Hate being so needy

Not Alone · September 29, 2019, 06:08:21 PM

My therapist has given me permission to email him between sessions. Usually I email him once, sometimes even more if things are super-bad, occasionally no emails between sessions. Normally he responds back, although it can be several days. There have been a few times when he didn't get back to me, for various reasons.

On Thursday I sent him a lengthy email regarding a very difficult and upsetting discussion with my husband. (I might post about that later.) Today is Sunday afternoon. I haven't heard from my T yet. My session is tomorrow morning so maybe I won't hear from him. It is so hard for me when he doesn't respond. I hate it that I am so needy that I am checking my emails every 30-60 minutes to see if he has responded. Then I have to fight the messages in my head:

"He is tired of hearing from you and is trying to give you a clue." "Your problems are too big for him and he doesn't know what to say." "You are bothering him." "He's dead." (No kidding--that comes to my mind.) I try to counter with other thoughts: "He has told you it is okay to email." "He is probably really busy." "Maybe there was a technological glitch."

The messages used to come into my head after a day of waiting. This time it has taken four days, so maybe that's growth?

I HATE feeling so needy and desperate.

Blueberry · September 29, 2019, 06:40:20 PM

Good for you, responding to the distortions of your Inner Critic.

Also for not having any of these 'messages' till the fourth day

Bach · September 29, 2019, 08:01:27 PM

Four days where it used to be only one? Definitely growth. You are progressing. I know how hard the work is, and how uncomfortable the desperate needy feeling, but hang in there. You are doing well, and you will soon have a moment of being able to feel it.

woodsgnome · September 29, 2019, 09:36:30 PM

It's hard to be patient when it feels so yucky. Sometimes when I've felt like that (more frequent than I'd like...sigh

), I later felt almost embarrassed ('almost' now; used to be stronger guilt/shame) after I'd find out later there was some legit reason someone's response didn't happen pronto.

Which is not to say there's any fault in feeling that way; it's all part of a terrible cycle regarding circumstances you never asked for, and definitely not understood. And so we need help; and It's a bit of a wonder that we don't feel even more needy at times.

Meanwhile, none of the delays are your fault. Only the inner critic thinks so. Repeat -- you're fine, and it's normal both to grasp for help and wonder if it's your fault this is happening.

Take care ...

Jazzy · September 29, 2019, 10:24:52 PM

Sorry you are so upset notalone. I have been in that situation before, desperately waiting to hear any word. It is very tough. I agree with the others that it is good that you have waited four days this time, and made it through. Hopefully you can use this to try to feel better about yourself, instead of hating that needy feeling. Also, tomorrow you will find out what is going on, so you only need to wait for one more day. You can do it! Take care!

Kizzie · September 30, 2019, 04:02:09 PM

I agree, four days is definitely progress imo notalone

One thing that helps me with feelings like this nowadays is to reassure myself about what are normal, natural feelings for a survivor. Eg., "Given the trauma I've been through in my life of course I would feel uneasy about not getting a reply in a timely manner. Hugs to all my abandoned, rejected parts"

If you're comfortable maybe you could talk about these feelings w/your T? It might help to work through things you never had a chance to with those who caused your trauma.

Not Alone · September 30, 2019, 07:56:05 PM

Blueberry, Bach, Woodsgnome, Jazzy, Kizzie,

Your responses and wise words were very meaningful to me. I went back and read your replies several times last night. Woodgnome, I did repeat what you said along with other words that people said.

In my session, my therapist said that there was so much in my email that he thought it best that we talk about it in person. When we finished talking about the content, I asked him if next time, he could just reply in email that he read it but would like to talk about it in person. I told him that it was hard for me to be waiting for a reply. He said he could do that and thanked me for letting him know.

Living in this world with "normal" people sometimes makes me feel like I'm nuts. Who would understand being anxious and looking and looking for a response from your therapist? Well, you understand and I'm so grateful for your input and empathy. Yes, these are "normal, natural feelings for a survivor." (Kizzie)

Thank you all.

ShadowsOfLuna · September 30, 2019, 08:18:31 PM

Recently, I went to a seminar that had a portion on how not to take things personally, which I struggle with a lot and sounds very similar. What they had us do was list as many answers to the question "what else could this mean?" whenever we start feeling upset from someones responses. I find it helps a bit, maybe not 100% but a bit.

And I definitely want to echo what others have been saying that this is definitely progress and you are doing really well with tolerating these feelings and thoughts.

MoonBeam · September 30, 2019, 10:56:30 PM

Hi notalone, wanted to say I read your post and thanks for sharing. Yes! hanging in for days is amazing progress! Really appreciated Kizzie's response too regarding...

"One thing that helps me with feelings like this nowadays is to reassure myself about what are normal, natural feelings for a survivor. Eg., 'Given the trauma I've been through in my life of course I would feel uneasy about not getting a reply in a timely manner. Hugs to all my abandoned, rejected parts' "

That is a great reminder for me too. Scolding myself for "neediness" has been a thing lately and the shame that comes with it is real.

You are doing really great, deep, healing work.

Kizzie · October 01, 2019, 05:32:50 PM

QuoteIn my session, my therapist said that there was so much in my email that he thought it best that we talk about it in person. When we finished talking about the content, I asked him if next time, he could just reply in email that he read it but would like to talk about it in person. I told him that it was hard for me to be waiting for a reply. He said he could do that and thanked me for letting him know.

Bravo notalone, bravo!!! This brought such a big smile to my face as I read this, thanks

Not Alone · October 02, 2019, 01:27:46 AM

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful replies. Your encouragement and wisdom means a lot to me. Your support is significant to me and an important part of my journey.