I just feel hurt

[goblinchild]

I'm frustrated to tears! I was doing so well!

I'm back in an old environment with family and it's like... I've made such great progress but here I am again back in the same routine. And I'm fighting it! I'm so confused. I don't know how all of my new tools and coping mechanisms work in this scenario.

I'm used to people who are manipulative in one way or another. I can deal with people who isolate, target all your healthy coping mechanisms and the general daily gears in your life that keep everything turning and functional and try to ruin it all and drag you down. I've been doing really great with building myself a strong little foundation in life for keeping myself stable and my feelings and well-being out of other people's grubby little hands, lol.

Right now I have to be around a family member who is less than healthy to be around but not because she's manipulative. She has developmental problems. She could step on your foot ten times, accidentally, and if you suggest maybe she could be more careful she will completely not understand. She didn't step on your foot to be mean. She's not wrong or bad. Why should she change anything if she's not wrong or bad? It was an accident, that's life, I should forgive her every time.

We're also getting into fights over boundaries about me owning my own stuff and like.... maybe ask me before touching/moving my things. Be nice/respectful with my things if you're handling them. Yes I get to treat them whatever way I want, they're mine. She told me a story the other day about how she liked a picture on someone else's key chain at the store so she just took their keys and started telling them how nice the picture was and was shocked and appalled when the person was upset with her for just grabbing their keys away all of a sudden. She was telling me how surprisingly rude the person was for speaking to her that way.

I don't know what to do! She genuinely doesn't understand when I get upset and then she gets upset and I feel awful. But also, she's not treating me with basic respect and humanity sometimes and when I get upset she gets more upset. Not to out-do me and not because she's angry but because she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand why I'm upset. (After treating me badly!) It's like a CPTSD nightmare. But it's that same old "I don't feel like I'm allowed to genuinely express my feelings when people treat me badly" song and dance for me! Also "I have to forgive this person eternally while they treat me badly because they can't help themselves" song and dance. Part of my emotional well-being and worth has gotten all tangled up in this somehow and I feel wounded. I need to understand what part of this situation is making me feel like she has control over my feelings/situation and untangle it and never give it a chance to tangle again. I don't really feel like I 100% understand it right now and I feel frustrated and hopeless! But I have to fix it.