So Very Unmotivated

[Rrecovery]

I've been recovering for 30 years.  Here are some stats:
Have no one in my life who mistreats me.  Have work I enjoy and am good at.  Clean and sober.  Trim and fit.  Live in a beautiful, affordable place. Am respected and welcomed by everyone I know.

Here's the problem:  I feel SO unmotivated!!!  I continue to live out healthy habits, but I have to push myself every step of the way.  I don't WANT to do anything.  I have finally stopped chasing boys (at 56) and I am just being with myself, being mindful.  I am seeing that I have no enthusiasm, interest or motivation to do anything.  My mood is up and down - not too far up or too far down.  Even when it's up - I have to push myself to do anything and every thing.  Ugh!

Here's what I think I know about this:  My parents never appreciated life, work, the mundane.  They did what had to be done and then indulged in rest/food/cigarettes (mom) or sports (dad).  I see now that I have lived in a very similar way - do what you "have" to do so you can indulge in... boys/sex, sports.  My knees became unable to keep up with my sport in November and physical therapy did not help.  I can no longer be an athlete     As far as boys/sex, I have become very particular about who I'm with so it's mostly nobody.  Besides, I don't want to use anybody as an "antidepressant."  Apart from these "peak" experiences I see that I have no real interested in life, just like my parents, even after 30 years of strong recovery.

Early programming: seeing people as opportunities to have "fun" with or complain to.  Again, the mundane part of human relationships feels draining and uninteresting.  There are the highs of life, the peak experiences and then there is the rest - mundane, boring, uninspiring.  I've been trying to stop chasing the highs and just appreciate life, live in the moment, appreciate and enjoy simply living.  What I feel is a more intense awareness of just how unmotivating I find life - take a shower, do the dishes, work, etc.  Go meet (make smalltalk) with people.  None of it interests me at all.

With my knees going bad (I can't afford surgery) the peak experiences of my sport are no longer available to me.  Now what?  Regular life just doesn't interest me and I wish it did.  Should I try to pump myself full of antidepressants and hope they make me high enough to enjoy "life?"  I take supplements for depression now and I believe they are adequate at keeping a biochemical depression at bay.  But perhaps my screwed-up early programming has left me permanently unable to appreciate the mundane, routine aspects of life.

I am enormously disciplined when it comes to self-care and doing the right things - but it's exhausting to live this way.
Thanks for reading my words - I appreciate this forum and all of you 

[Jdog]

R-

We are the same age and share a few other similar circumstances although I have only recently become aware of the various things from which I need to recover so am newer at the process.  I am no expert in motivation but generally subscribe to the philosophy that one needs to begin with self compassion (not just window dressing but the genuine article - your issue is real and deserves attention and care).  Next, I would move into gratitude - sounds like you already realize the many good things you have going for you so maybe look "outside the box" for something you could have overlooked.  After that, think what advice you would give a good friend going through a similar circumstance.   

Sorry to hear about the knees - I would be grieving that loss as well, being a daily runner.  Want to take up a musical instrument?  Very absorbing and involves both heart and mind.....

Just my 2 cents worth.

[Whobuddy]

Much of what you wrote is true about me as well. I don't have anything very profound to say. Just that sometimes the mundane in life is only that - mundane. I read somewhere a not so encouraging thought: life is 90% maintenance and 10% fun. I am not sure about those numbers, really it's got to be better than that.

It does sound discouraging about your knees. That would call for a lifestyle change, I imagine. Do you like to do yoga?

I have not been recovering all that long. I have known something was wrong for many years. I could feel an overwhelming emotional pain that I could not shake and it made me too exhausted to do very much outside of work and essential self-care.

When the pain lessens these words to a Gordon Lightfoot song go through my head. I know the words are taken way way out of context:
Sometimes I think it's a shame
When I get feelin' better when I'm feelin' no pain.

With your great self-care and self-discipline it sounds like you are in a good position to launch into some new things. Hopefully, some others on the forum can offer some useful suggestions.

[schrödinger's cat]

What are your opinions on adrenaline addiction?

I'm asking because I want to know, not because of rhethorics or drama or something. This could be something that helps explain what we're like and how we got that way. (Because I get this too: real life is too mundane and banal, so I need activities that boost my mood.) But then again it could be complete piffle. Not sure yet. Briefly sifting through google results showed mostly articles that come from smaller websites, almost none from bigger, "respectable" ones, which is disheartening.

Here's an article from a source that looks okay: http://mentalhealthdaily.com/2013/03/02/how-to-overcome-adrenaline-addiction-tips-from-a-former-addict/

My gut feeling is that this could be a part of the explanation. Our life was full of crises. We began to function accordingly. We had to be crisis-ready, so in non-crisis times we began to just drift and conserve energy, because the next emergency was sure to come. So I'm still doing this, either drifting or going "oh ho, a crisis, let me fix things!!". It's a wave pattern.

Then there's the adrenaline spikes. My classmates bullied me (comparatively mild, but still emotionally painful), and my mother used to start these loud, angry rants, or we got into quarrels, or she'd set her mind on getting me to Do Things Properly Right NOW, so those were the GAH-I'm-Being-Attacked situations that probably flooded me with adrenaline. And ever since, most times I'm terrified of situations that seem boring. A two-day-hike through the woods? That's purgatory. What if I get bored? And the thing is, it's not just that I'm uncomfortable with the idea: there's real fear involved there. It's like I NEED something that will feel exciting and novel and mood-boosting (and adrenalizing??), and if I don't get it, I'll sink into some horrible Limbo filled with bleak, beige despair.

Does this resonate for anyone? What do you think of "adrenaline addiction"? I suspect that all of us were exposed to too many adrenalinizing crises as kids. And it's not too far-fetched to think that this must have changed our bodies somehow. But is that it?

[Jdog]

Wow- the adrenaline addiction makes so much sense to me as well.  I was super-stressed as a child- had colic, have had psoriasis since 18 months of age, and never remember a truly calm time while in my parents home.  Into find calm and solace in nature, but even now I prefer drinking it in while in motion - running is my favorite addiction.

My spouse is not a calm person at all - just was noticing this morning how much stress I feel emanating from her as we prepare to go away for a few days.

Adrenaline junkie?  Yes, I think I am.  I will consider this as I continue my healing journey.  Thanks for the information.

[Rrecovery]

Thank you all so much for your compassionate and caring responses.  They were all comforting and encouraging 

The knees are definitely a big deal, thank you for acknowledging this.  I keep wavering between determination to destroy myself financially if that's what it takes to fix my knees (if they can be fixed at my age) and trying to cultivate acceptance and a willingness to switch gears.  Yoga is cool but it involves the knees quite a bit, not that I couldn't just skip all the moves that would bother my knees but...

Adrenaline addiction sounds like it could be a factor.  I definitely resonate with everything the article said.  Here's the rub... I do most of what is prescribed to cure it, but, mindfulness practices while great for relaxing and being present, make you feel and be more aware of what "is" and what "is" right now is depression, boredom, emptiness, exhaustion and loneliness.  I think it might help to frame it as a phase of recovery from adrenaline addiction.  Perhaps more calm distractions is the ticket?  Then most things do bore me. 

I was on antidepressants for more than 20 years, until my g.i. tract refused to take it anymore.  The last one I was on was Effexor - which boosts serotinin, adrenaline and dopamine!  I really liked it too, although I always felt really restless on it.  Yesterday I decided to call a psychiatrist and see if I could try to take effexor sublingually.  The article on adrenaline addiction has me rethinking this now.  Perhaps I should stay the course, if I can find and pursue enough calm activities and people to help with the depression, emptiness and loneliness.

Yesterday it helped to post this thread.  Today, reading all of your replies is helping me to feel less lonely and hopeless. Thank you 

[schrödinger's cat]

I hear you about the yoga. I tried the sun greeting once (is that the English name for it?) and YIKES. My knees are a bit wonky too - I'm not in any pain, but I can't ski, running is a bad idea... I love ballroom dancing, but when I took a course as a teen, we had to do this twirl, so that was something I had to sit out... what's left is pretty much swimming, and I'd rather watch paint dry. Pilates seems friendlier to the knees than Yoga, from what I've seen. Or diving? I never looked into it, I'm too much of a wuss, but wouldn't that be knee-friendly too? Or stuff to do with boats? Kayaking and such? Maybe too cramped, sitting with the knee up all the time...

Wish I knew what to do about the adrenaline thing. That's something I want to look into a bit more - the effects of constant stress on the body and psyche.

[Rrecovery]

Hi SC 
Thank you so much for the Adrenaline Addiction article, it really spoke to me.  I'm going to try to approach my low energy and lack of motivation from this perspective and see how it goes.  I was about to try Effexor which boosts adrenaline and it would have just prolonged this entire process.  Not to mention that Effexor withdrawal is beyond the beyond - I've been through it 
Sorry to hear you have wonky knees too; they do limit athletic activity - in the extreme.  Swimming?  I agree - wet paint 
I have decided to pursue answers about by knees - first step an MRI.  The right knee may be okay; it hasn't given me any problems since I started physical therapy.  My left knee had surgery for a torn meniscus in 2009; it's the one that's the problem.  I've been researching things and I'm willing to have knee replacement surgery if necessary.  I know for sure that I am not ready to give up fun movement; it's the main way I experience fun.  I'm not ready for the rocking chair just yet. 

I feel motivated again - to overcome the adrenaline addiction and to get my knee fixed.  More tough times ahead but at least I have some goals.  I appreciate your input 

[schrödinger's cat]

Thanks, Rrecovery. And sorry that I wasn't able to tell you more. All I know is taken from that one article, so I've no idea what's best to do. Will you keep us posted about what you're doing and how things work out?

[Rrecovery]

I've experienced a profound shift over the last few days.  I am working on my recovery from adrenaline addiction and feeling a lot better!  I have weaned off of the Tyrosine I was taking.  I am actively paying close attention to my body and relaxing it.  I feel a lot better and... more motivated!  Ironic!  Feeling relaxed makes everything feel better.

I have also decided to do whatever I can to get my knees fixed!!!  Going back to my knee surgeon and made an appointment with a new physical therapist who also participates in my sport.  I feel really encouraged.  I think the lack of motivation was caused by depression over being sidelined from athletics.  I'm an athlete.  I should not give up on that so easily.  I'll get these darn knees replaced if I have to.

I'm so glad I posted about this!!!!  You have all been so very helpful 

[schrödinger's cat]

Hey wow! Congratulations!    And the best of luck to you with your knees.

[Jdog]

I am so glad to hear that you are moving toward resolution of several issues at the same time!  Isn't it interesting how healing works sometimes - multiple obstacles sometimes can be overcome once we reframe the situation and take a breath!

[Rrecovery]

SC and Jdog thank you! 

[lonewolf]

This discussion is very interesting. I can relate to a majority of it. The article is quite enlightening. I get bored quite easily. I do things at the very last minute. I'm used to drama in my relationships. I had not considered the adrenaline aspect but it makes a lot of sense for people dealing with CPTSD. I plan on integrating this into my recovery. Thanks for sharing.

[Rrecovery]

Hi Lonewolf    I'm glad this thread has been helpful.

I have practiced mindfulness and meditation for many years now.  There are many ways to do both (though it's most often done using the breath as the anchor).  Since the adrenaline addiction awareness I have been using "tension in the body" as my anchor.  When I become aware of it I relax it.  My energy is up, motivation up, sleep improved, depression - none!