Think some progress was made but still having anger triggers

[MaggieMayCat]

Have been dealing with an older woman who's life is pretty much just lonely and she's pretty angry in general... when ever the group is together she tries to monopolize individuals with her stories and political views - such as - any woman who has a child out of wedlock and is on assistance should be forced to do this, that, or the other, they should have no rights.... or something about this person died, that person died of a horrible disease or how she punched some dude in the nads a long time ago.  Same stories repeated over and over... anyway, she brought me some old photos to scan and adjust for her in Photoshop. 

I scanned and attempted to fix the photos, but the originals were very fuzzy and some of them were nothing more than xerox copies...  I brought the originals back to her and told her there was really not much I could do with them some time ago (last year).  Over the past two weeks she has been hounding me to get the originals back.  Since I'd already given them back to her, I told her she had them and had taken them home.  In front of our friends at a large gathering she told me I had not given them back numerous times.  Came real close to creating a scene in front of the whole group.  I figured she just set them down somewhere in her house and can't find them.  So, I take the scans that I had, printed out a whole new and improved set and gave them to her (all free of charge).  I asked her again if she had found them and of course she said I had not given them to her, that I had sent them to someone else and that I should contact that person to get them back... don't know where that came from because they were not sent anywhere.

During the verbal exchange I told her in private that I didn't appreciate being told that I was lying and doing it in front of mutual friends was not appropriate nor fair.  Told her that if she had a beef with me it should have been addressed privately.  I started feeling my frustration and anger build.  Took several deep breaths and then told her that I didn't need to talk to her right now that I was getting angry and didn't want to continue the conversation.  She would not leave me alone and followed me around wanting to talk about it more - I walked away from her several times during the evenings event. 

Now I'm wondering if my anger/frustration was justified or if I should have just let it go because it was a trigger reaction that is mine to own.   I grew up facing this same dynamic within the FOO as the SG.  It is so hard to stand up for myself and this was one of the few times I did.   When I dealt with her I was respectful but firm, told her quietly that I did not deserve to be treated that way and wouldn't accept being called on the carpet in front of a group of friends by her or anyone else.  Now I feel guilty for standing up for myself and for letting her trigger me.  On the plus side, at least I realized it was a trigger and was able to stop myself before it escalated... this crap is tough to deal with. 

[Kizzie]

How are you doing with this now Maggie?

[MaggieMayCat]

Kizzie - doing better now but have to see this woman on Friday so we'll see how it goes.  I'll probably avoid her for a while - just don't need the stress of dealing with people like this in my life.  Unfortunately, I don't do well with people like this at all - mostly because of FOO issues.  DH will be with me and that always helps. 

[Kizzie]

I don't do well with PD folk either so I disengage whenever possible - keeps the BP down     Good luck on Fri 

[keepfighting]

Hi, MMC,

it's not you, it's her! No doubt about it! And though FOO issues may be in the background, it's her behaviour towards you now that causes your anger/frustration. Totally normal and justified feelings.

She sounds very passive aggressive to me. Whenever you feel like you want to or actually have to explain normal behaviour towards a person who should know it by now (like you explaining to this lady that it's inappropriate to discuss matters in front of a group of people that should be discussed between the two of you - she should definitely know that at her age!) it's a red flag that you're dealing with passive aggressiveness.

Passive aggressive people are unable to find an outlet for their own anger/frustration so their game is to  frustrate others into displaying the emotions they cannot - and then come across as the 'reasonable' one while you are exploding after having been subjected to their little arrows of poison (often cusioned in nice and innocent words) for weeks or even months (in your case). I HATE passive aggressiveness (covert Nm and paPDsis) because it's a back stabbing game which seems perfectly innocent from the outside and it's very hard to set boundaries with them. They often get worse when they age, too.... 

Well, what might help a bit: Do not JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. (I learned this on OOTF)

She knows perfectly well that you returned her pictures and you've done more than enough already. Stop JADEing and try avoiding her as much as possible on Friday - nothing else you can do and her behaviour is her responsibility.

Good luck on Friday! 

[MaggieMayCat]

Thanks ya'll.  The validation means so very much.  DH will buffer if need be. 

I'm not real sure but she may be suffering from the beginnings of dementia or some other type of brain disease.  She's diabetic too - really freaks me out when she does her injections right there at the table in front of everyone - so there are some aberrant/inappropriate  behaviors present already... so I don't want to put the hammer down so to speak and plan to take the high road dealing with her. 

I'm sure our friends know what the deal is - they have to deal with her too.  I've got to learn to deal with this kind of crap and learn to stand up for myself regardless of her behavior.  My plan is to be civil and polite - but take no crap.  Take the high road unless forced to be confrontational - then I'll just walk away - she's not worth it. 

I feel sad for her that she's so lonely, but know that most of that loneliness is of her own making and there is nothing I can do to fix or appease it.  One day she'll come across those photos in her house.  Not my problem any more.