Opinions on are these emotional flashbacks?

[Indigochild]

Hi Schrödinger's Cat

Thanks so much. Im glad you don't mind me asking.
And thanks so much for the links too. I have purchased the book on amazon.

Ive never heard of Alexithymia. Ill have a look at it.
I have been keeping a journal for a while now.
And i also learnt about recording your emotional states, to see how they change from hour to hour, minute to minute...so you see that they don't last forever. It helped me get in touch with my emotions and put names to them- i had a list of emotions as in, what each emotion is called. They have them on the internet if you didnt know...

I have honestly never thought of it as like learning a new skill. Its true isn't it.
And i agree with you there that doing something creative helps. I like to sing (at home!!)

I have the outlook that depression is a normal emotion that people need to feel.
People freak out if they are depressed, or if someone they know is depressed, Doctors tell you you need pills...for some that might be helpful but I'm all for trying to sort it out organically first before going on pills. Yes pills can help you get into therapy etc. and even complete the therapy properly.
For myself, id rather be an emotional wreck and enter therapy and deal with the raw...crap as it is as i worry that pills would numb bits.
I see depressed feelings as part of ptsd, of red flags..of childhood crap that needs sorting...athough for some its not ptsd, but i believe that ptsd and depression and everything...its a result of something else in your life.
Chemical imbalances? I believe they exist, but i think you are unbalanced because of life...not sure if some are born that way. Theres a huge debabe about weather depression is genetic or not.

All of the things you do to help when feeling depressed are good...i hope they help.
I like excersise for the natural high...it was confusing to me that even if you feel good and calm and healthy, emotional flashbacks still happen out of the blue.

Yes...stodginess makes sense after efs...sometimes its a high calm feeling.
I have heard of seeing where an emotion is in your body...but if you don't feel the emotion, how are you meant to feel it in your body? If you don't know the emotion exists. I guess you'd have to pay total attention to your body a lot of the time.

I never knew a family could be *narsasistic*.
I can see why you found reading the book taxing, based on your experience. I hope it helped you.

Yes...i thought that with the box thing..you had to put your qualities, as well as what happened in your childhood.  I didnt think that the symptoms / results of what happened would go in the box but of course it would!

I am so glad that there is no format for recovery. 

[Indigochild]

Hi...i replied but the reply didnt send...so I'm sending another...

Im so glad you don't mind me asking about you...

Thanks for the pete walker link.
ive never heard of Alexithymia, but ill look it up.
Trying to feel emotions is scary to me right now.
I have kept a feelings journal...and i used to record my emotional states to notice how quickly they change, so when your in a bad one, you know it wont last forever.
I do agree that doing something creative helps. (I like to sing)..you cant not help feel emotions in songs i think...

I always thought depression was part of cptsd. Depression i believe - with me anyway...is here as a result of life experiences. if there is a chemical imbalance, i believe my own circumstances in life caused that imbalance.
Yes...excersize helps a lot.
It was weird to me that efs still happen even if you excersize, meditate and eat well. I guess they are different from depression.

I heard that when you feel an emotion, you also feel it in your body...just people are so up in their heads all the time they don't notice.
I hope that connecting to your body helps you.

Thanks for the link for the book- i purchased it on amazon.
I had no idea *families* could be narsasistic. Makes sense.  Thanks for the warning about taking it slow. Never done that with a book before. Just read and it hits you like a tonne of bricks.

I see how a family with those sorts of problems would be very hard to grow up in. I see why you'd feel you couldn't *bother* your parents. Im glad you finally realised what it had been like.
Do you mind if i ask?.....was that realisation hard for you or a shock? Or did you sort of expect it? Did you sense before that something was wrong at home?

You make me feel so much better when you say its not a rush. (at the minute, I'm kind of stuck)
Im glad that there is no set format for recovering. 
Before talking to you...it never occurred to me that trying to make everything ok and to please your parents or trying to be invisible etc etc. you put away parts of you...therefore your identify isn't totally there.
Rejection has a lot to do with it...but i never thought of this simple explanation...how can you have an identity and be yourself when your too busy trying to stay safe.

Hope your doing ok...

[schrödinger's cat]

Trying to feel emotions is scary to me right now.

Yes, that's something many of us say. So I'm getting the impression that there's a time and a place for feeling emotions, particularly overwhelming ones. It's not ideal, feeling numb or purposely numbing and distracting ourselves. But if the alternative is getting flattened by flashbacky feelings, then... well, what can you do? It's sometimes just the only option, or it seems like that - to wait until we're feeling more stable, and to take it little by little, in very tiny portions.

I had no idea *families* could be narsasistic. Makes sense.  Thanks for the warning about taking it slow. Never done that with a book before. Just read and it hits you like a tonne of bricks.

Yes, I learned that the hard way, too.  We even have an emoticon for it: 

I see how a family with those sorts of problems would be very hard to grow up in. .....was that realisation hard for you or a shock? Or did you sort of expect it? Did you sense before that something was wrong at home?

Both. All of it. There was one incident where I suddenly realized that my mother keeps on crossing my boundaries, that she doesn't respect me at all, and that she's constantly distancing herself from me. THAT was a shock. It all made sense in hindsight, and I realized I'd always sensed that something was off. But I'd kept on explaining it away. I kept on thinking it was MY problem - that I'd caused it and that I simply had to do things the right way to fix it. In short, that I'd simply have to keep on jumping through hoops and things would turn out well, she'd finally like me and treat me with kindness. So when that house of cards collapsed, it was hard to digest. It felt mostly like grief, like abandonment. But you see, I'm now convinced that I can only heal if and as long as I'm keeping my distance from her. So that step was VERY necessary. And it was also a great relief to find out that it wasn't just me - that I'm not THAT unlovable or incompetent.

Before talking to you...it never occurred to me that trying to make everything ok and to please your parents or trying to be invisible etc etc. you put away parts of you...therefore your identify isn't totally there.
Rejection has a lot to do with it...but i never thought of this simple explanation...how can you have an identity and be yourself when your too busy trying to stay safe.

Yes, exactly. In abusive situations, so much of one's energy and brainpower is used to think up ways of pleasing our abusers, of dodging abuse, of being invisible. Meanwhile, our peers used that same energy and brainpower to discover themselves, to assume different roles and see which one fit, to explore the world... So if there's now this sense that we have deficits when it comes to a stable identity (or social skills etc) - well, we've come by it honestly. It wasn't our fault.

If I'm honest, I'm sometimes finding it enjoyable that I've got this fluid sense of identity, and that I'm not yet done finding my place in the world. Most days I find it annoying, but sometimes it just brings this incredible sense of freshness and newness to the whole world.

Thanks for asking how I'm doing. I'm better now - I had a flashbacky day yesterday, because we might have to move and I was afraid of not finding a place where my kids will be happy. My oldest seemed VERY against moving even to the next street, let alone to another town. She's the kind of kids who doesn't have many friends, but who's extremely loyal and close with the two, three friends she has. So taking her away from them? Yikes. And sometimes our kids' troubles triggers flashbacks to times when we were in a similar situation. But I talked to her just now, and she seemed a lot more open to the idea of moving elsewhere, without any panic or fear at all. PHEW.

[Indigochild]

Hi ...
This is like the fith time ive tried to send this, for some reason it isn't posting.

Im so glad you don't mind me asking you questions.

Thanks so much for the Pete Walker link and for the book link...im actually reading it right now. Only a few pages in and it makes a whole load of sense.

I had never heard of Alexithymia, but ill do some research.
I started journaling a while ago...i find it really helps to get stuff out of you and straightens things out in your head.
I also did the whole recording your emotional states thing too. There were lists of emotions i found on the internet i used to refer to to name the emotion i was feeling.
The idea was to get back in touch with feelings but also to help me realise that feeling states don't last forever, although some last for a few hours at a time, but not *forever*.
States are like clouds, changing from minute to minute...even happiness is short lived like all the other emotions.

I agree too that doing something creative helps. Ive always sang at home and i personally cant not feel anything whilst being emerged in a song.

I have no idea if its part of a depression.
They put me on meds for it at 17.
I felt depressed back then, not as much now...sometimes you just feel stodgy and slow with out feeling depressed. Perhaps that feeling is actually lack of feeling-
but i always thought that if it was depression, that it ties into this whole cptsd thing.
You are depressed for a reason.

I do hope those things help you. I like  exercise- natural high.

Whilst emotional flash backing for about a week...the stodginess was around. Maybe this is normal.
But yes it makes sense to feel that way afterwards. Especially if nothing productive is figured out from the ef for the time being.

Oh yes....have you heard that when people feel emotions, they also feel it in their body?
But people are normally so unaware of any sensations in their body because most are so up in their heads thinking all the time.
Breathing and meditation helps connect the mind and body together so they can work together. its supposed to help you to think better if when stressed, you take yourself out of your thoughts by breathing.

Thanks for the warning about taking the book slow. I see what you mean.
Im sorry your dad was ill and that you had to deal with your problems on your own. Thats awfully frightening for a child, even for an adult- no adult can deal completely alone.
Its also not surprising that your box is empty.
I never thought of it that way....im my case...trying to be invisible, to not rock the boat...you are not being yourself...therefore you wouldnt know who you are later on in life. I was initially confused as i never *merged* with my mum at all- we had no connection, relationship or friendship. 
But maybe this is what merging is...you merge with her demands...trying to please her.

Before your dad passed away....did you ever have a sense that anything was wrong in your family? Or with your childhood?

Im so glad theres no pressure and no format to recovery, especially as i feel ive taken a step back lately...so thats ok!
Its probably to be expected when trying to recover.

[Indigochild]

Hi ...
This is like the fith time ive tried to send this, for some reason it isn't posting.

Im so glad you don't mind me asking you questions.

Thanks so much for the Pete Walker link and for the book link...im actually reading it right now. Only a few pages in and it makes a whole load of sense.

I had never heard of Alexithymia, but ill do some research.
I started journaling a while ago...i find it really helps to get stuff out of you and straightens things out in your head.
I also did the whole recording your emotional states thing too. There were lists of emotions i found on the internet i used to refer to to name the emotion i was feeling.
The idea was to get back in touch with feelings but also to help me realise that feeling states don't last forever, although some last for a few hours at a time, but not *forever*.
States are like clouds, changing from minute to minute...even happiness is short lived like all the other emotions.

I agree too that doing something creative helps. Ive always sang at home and i personally cant not feel anything whilst being emerged in a song.

I have no idea if its part of a depression.
They put me on meds for it at 17.
I felt depressed back then, not as much now...sometimes you just feel stodgy and slow with out feeling depressed. Perhaps that feeling is actually lack of feeling-
but i always thought that if it was depression, that it ties into this whole cptsd thing.
You are depressed for a reason.

I do hope those things help you. I like  exercise- natural high.

Whilst emotional flash backing for about a week...the stodginess was around. Maybe this is normal.
But yes it makes sense to feel that way afterwards. Especially if nothing productive is figured out from the ef for the time being.

Oh yes....have you heard that when people feel emotions, they also feel it in their body?
But people are normally so unaware of any sensations in their body because most are so up in their heads thinking all the time.
Breathing and meditation helps connect the mind and body together so they can work together. its supposed to help you to think better if when stressed, you take yourself out of your thoughts by breathing.

Thanks for the warning about taking the book slow. I see what you mean.
Im sorry your dad was ill and that you had to deal with your problems on your own. Thats awfully frightening for a child, even for an adult- no adult can deal completely alone.
Its also not surprising that your box is empty.
I never thought of it that way....im my case...trying to be invisible, to not rock the boat...you are not being yourself...therefore you wouldnt know who you are later on in life. I was initially confused as i never *merged* with my mum at all- we had no connection, relationship or friendship. 
But maybe this is what merging is...you merge with her demands...trying to please her.

Before your dad passed away....did you ever have a sense that anything was wrong in your family? Or with your childhood?

Im so glad theres no pressure and no format to recovery, especially as i feel ive taken a step back lately...so thats ok!
Its probably to be expected when trying to recover.

[Indigochild]

Hi ...
This is like the fith time ive tried to send this, for some reason it isn't posting.

Im so glad you don't mind me asking you questions.

Thanks so much for the Pete Walker link and for the book link...im actually reading it right now. Only a few pages in and it makes a whole load of sense.

I had never heard of Alexithymia, but ill do some research.
I started journaling a while ago...i find it really helps to get stuff out of you and straightens things out in your head.
I also did the whole recording your emotional states thing too. There were lists of emotions i found on the internet i used to refer to to name the emotion i was feeling.
The idea was to get back in touch with feelings but also to help me realise that feeling states don't last forever, although some last for a few hours at a time, but not *forever*.
States are like clouds, changing from minute to minute...even happiness is short lived like all the other emotions.

I agree too that doing something creative helps. Ive always sang at home and i personally cant not feel anything whilst being emerged in a song.

I have no idea if its part of a depression.
They put me on meds for it at 17.
I felt depressed back then, not as much now...sometimes you just feel stodgy and slow with out feeling depressed. Perhaps that feeling is actually lack of feeling-
but i always thought that if it was depression, that it ties into this whole cptsd thing.
You are depressed for a reason.

I do hope those things help you. I like  exercise- natural high.

Whilst emotional flash backing for about a week...the stodginess was around. Maybe this is normal.
But yes it makes sense to feel that way afterwards. Especially if nothing productive is figured out from the ef for the time being.

Oh yes....have you heard that when people feel emotions, they also feel it in their body?
But people are normally so unaware of any sensations in their body because most are so up in their heads thinking all the time.
Breathing and meditation helps connect the mind and body together so they can work together. its supposed to help you to think better if when stressed, you take yourself out of your thoughts by breathing.

Thanks for the warning about taking the book slow. I see what you mean.
Im sorry your dad was ill and that you had to deal with your problems on your own. Thats awfully frightening for a child, even for an adult- no adult can deal completely alone.
Its also not surprising that your box is empty.
I never thought of it that way....im my case...trying to be invisible, to not rock the boat...you are not being yourself...therefore you wouldnt know who you are later on in life. I was initially confused as i never *merged* with my mum at all- we had no connection, relationship or friendship. 
But maybe this is what merging is...you merge with her demands...trying to please her.

Before your dad passed away....did you ever have a sense that anything was wrong in your family? Or with your childhood?

Im so glad theres no pressure and no format to recovery, especially as i feel ive taken a step back lately...so thats ok!
Its probably to be expected when trying to recover.

[Indigochild]

Hi again...
How embarrassing! Im so new to this forum that i didnt see the 1..2..at the bottom of the thread, so i was looking down on the first page and seeing my reply hadn't posted. 

As for asking how your doing...no problem...I generally want to know. 
You sound like a great mum...worrying about your kids not being happy and caring weather they are or not.
And its great too that you understand your daughters point feelings and point of view...as, as you know, a lot of parents don't!
I hope your alright after your flashback day. It must be hard having children and flashing back..I mean, where do you find the time to manage and take a break!
Apparently a lot of people start looking at their childhoods, when they realise they are automatically looking at them again through their children. That must be difficult for you.
I like how you call it a flashback day also.  Its like...oh yeah...i just had a flashback day yesterday...nothing to worry about! haha...its like saying...i had a rest day yesterday...i like it. 

I also cant believe you have children.  I don't know if you find this, but I paint a picture automatically in my head of what i think someone will be like.

I am so glad she is more open to the idea of moving. It must be nice to have a mum who talks to her.

Can i ask how you put the quotes in?

You know what, you're replies are so helpful...and make me feel so much better!
I was all ready for feeling feelings and examining them etc. and now ive gone backwards. I feel like I'm failing and letting myself down.
I thought you had to be *ready* completely to do this sort of work...so I'm glad that others say the same (but not for them of course!)
Im so glad you understand the need to numb out. I guess its normal to be scared.
I leapt right into stuff...and maybe little by little is ok.  Especially as now I'm totally alone in doing this where as before...i felt i had someone who at least *understood* what it was like.

And haha...i like the falling bricks emotion...its how it is...bit by bit you get hit then your drowning!


Wow...realising your mother was crossing your boundaries...thats got to be more than hard...you must of been so angry. And the distancing too. Painful.
I understand how it could have felt like grief and abandonment.

Similar with my dad, as i never saw his...distance...his lack of attention or understanding until just recently.
I don't think i did anything to get his love etc. just thought he was truly here and he isn't.

Growing up, i never knew that my family was...different or wrong...or the way i was treated was wrong. I thought everyone's parents were like that, in fact, i never even questioned it.
I do remember feeling a lack of trust for them though...cant remember why. I realised early on that adults are not always right.
It was more of a relief when i read a few books...and the mum book....same as you...i realised that maybe i wasnt worthless and fatally flawed...maybe her being distant had nothing to do with me.
Such relief came from that. 
As a child i gave up completely on trying to get her to love me, as I thought it was me that was too worthless, therefore i didnt blame her.
I guess i felt like i couldn't change myself for her. Maybe i thought she wouldnt' want me even if i could change, as inside, I'm still me. This was probably all subcontious...but it makes sense relating to current beliefs.

Im glad your doing something for you and keeping your distance from your mum.

Hearing you validate why were having problems now is amazing. I blame myself all the time for everything that i don't do properly or right or the same as others.

Thats interesting about enjoying the fluid sense of identity you have. Ive never though of it like that, just unsettling, but thats a positive spin to have on it.  i have heard that finding out who you are (in therapy)...is really enjoyable and exciting.
I am sure that when you do find your place in the world, that it will be something beautiful and well worth waiting for.

Im not sure if this is ..inappropriate? but i just wanted you to know, that if you do want to talk something out...or rant...feel free to message any time if you would like to.

[Indigochild]

Hi Scroungers Cat

I hope your doing ok.

Was just browsing through the forum topics and clicked on this one i wrote while back and scrolled through it.
Thank you for being here back then and for answering all my countless questions!

Its very embarrassing to me as reading this back, i think i sound like a little girl, and quite despite.
I came to the forum at a time when i had lost a *friend*, a person who i thought was, only she was like my mother, and screwed me over, as she has issues of her own (NPD) undiagnosed, and i know i offloaded a bit here. So yes, sorry about that, and I'm just so embarrassed reading it back.

I have all the answers to the questions I asked you back then, I feel i have really grown and learnt so much. I am also in therapy. Maybe i am at a similar knowledge level now that you was when you messaged me, and i only hope to keep going up and up.

So, thank you for tolerating all the questions and for replying to all my posts.

I really do hope you are well, and if not, i hope you are keeping on with this journey.

Indigo

[Dutch Uncle]

I think so, but at the time, before I had ever heard of the concept, I thought this was just 'a memory'.

The case: I was studying in the city where my (now NC) sister lives. The plan to stay over at her place had fallen through, as she had started to unload buckets of manure over me. She then wanted to "talk it over", which simply meant I got the same buckets of manure emptied over me again. I guess she has a stash .

So I start staying at bed-and-breakfasts, no biggie, I could easily afford that.
But every time I did this, sitting in the room, on the balcony overlooking a neighborhood, I was reminded of my sister's abhorrent destruction of me.
And the contrast was so stark! The B&B's were mostly with people who just rented out one room in their house. With one couple I would even share the breakfast table. Practically all of these people were kind, warm, hospitable. Some of them were really nice, and we chatted quite a lot. I got along fine.
The same with many people at the Uni.

And so all these meetings triggered anger, sadness, disbelief over how my sister had treated me. It came to have a crippling effect on my studies. Months after the 'buckets' I decided I did not want to meet up with sis in town. The first step to what now is NC.
Actually that only intensified the 'memories' on what had happened.

So, my question is: were these an Emotional Flashbacks, rather then mere reminders/memories/ruminations of what had happened?

Any reply is welcome.

[stillhere]

The contrast between your sister and the people you lived with for a while would certainly evoke sadness.   I don't know that firm criteria determine what qualifies as an EF (I think it's Pete Walker's concept and isn't broadly used otherwise).  But seeing at close range that life could be so different has, for me, been a source of sadness, off and on, for years.

Of course, sadness isn't the only response.  I'm also relieved and sometimes grateful to have good relationships, some with entire functional families.  But the sense of loss never goes away.

[Indigochild]

Hi Dutch Uncle

Firstly, sorry to hear about how she treated you.
I hope your doing ok with the none contact thing, but i have heard that it is hard, and i can understand why.

It is incredibly hard to spot emotional flashbacks.
They are VERY intense feelings, or sometimes milder feelings.

When you said
*And so all these meetings triggered anger, sadness, disbelief over how my sister had treated me. It came to have a crippling effect on my studies. Months after the 'buckets' I decided I did not want to meet up with sis in town. The first step to what now is NC.
It sounds to me like an emotional flashback. You said the *meeting* triggered these feelings.
And you said it had a crippling effect on your studies.
Do you think that it would have effected someone who doesnt have flashbacks as much as it effected you with your studies?
Or in general?

It could be that you were upset about the *preasent* situation with your sister.
if you have these feelings now about her and how she treated you, and other things in your life are triggering those feelings, you could be having flashbacks to the time she dumped manure on you.
This with your sister, could have made you mad, well because it sounds infuriating, but it could have been reminding you of another time that you dont remember.

When you felt these feelings, did any of the feelings feel like they were echoing back to a time you didnt remember, but that felt strangely familiar?

Perhaps when you were
sitting in the room, on the balcony overlooking a neighborhood, I was reminded of my sister's abhorrent destruction of me.
it reminded you of feeling alone, some other time in your life?

Was there anyone else in your life like your sister??

Im sorry that i cant tell you weather they are flashbacks, but hopefully you will be able to have some idea with my questions.

I find that situations that wouldnt make others sad ie. seeing parents interact lovingly with their child...
are emotional flashbacks...
Intense emotions are flashbacks...
Things that make me mad / sad that have happened before may be flashing back to the original hurt, or the string of hurts...
Or if it feels uncomfortably familiar ie. loneliness...even though i dont *remember* being lonely as a child.

Whatever it is, your inner child seems pretty upset and angry and needs some comforting I'm sure. You do too.

[Dutch Uncle]

Thanks Indigo, you gave me quite some stuff to ponder. 

I hope your doing ok with the none contact thing, but i have heard that it is hard, and i can understand why.

Yes, it's ok. I took a slow path towards it. I did al the stuff to first maintain boundaries and stuff, doing Medium Chill, Low Contact, but it seemed it only aggravated 'the situation', until she (emotionally) blackmailed me (I didn't fall for it). It then still took two months or so before I really realized how abuse and manipulative she is, and NC is the only way out, and I needed to tell that to the rest of the FOO.
But yes it's hard too, it's been a choice between two 'evils'.

Do you think that it would have effected someone who doesnt have flashbacks as much as it effected you with your studies?
Or in general?

I think not.

This with your sister, could have made you mad, well because it sounds infuriating, but it could have been reminding you of another time that you dont remember.

One of the things is that this manure has been dumped on me for at least 15 years, the same over and over again. She even said so herself.
Perhaps I should be a bit more specific, to paint the picture: One of the ever returning complaints is that I am not interested in her, don't listen, only talk about myself. On the flip-side, during the past three years during the MC, LC, etc. she has also repeatedly tried to 'hoover me back in' by lamenting she missed how "we could always "talk things over" so well!" and couldn't understand why I now wouldn't want to discuss 'our problems'. 

When you felt these feelings, did any of the feelings feel like they were echoing back to a time you didnt remember, but that felt strangely familiar?

At first yeah (no memories), but later on, when I essentially embarked on my trip Out of the FOG, I did start to remember a lot of it. In a sense it's been an avalanche of returning memories, and shockingly starting to see relations with a lot of other 'suppressed' stuff.

it reminded you of feeling alone, some other time in your life?

Definitely.

Was there anyone else in your life like your sister??

Yes, mom. In the years since I've come to the point that I think they're both uHPD's. They both hate each others gut btw.

I find that situations that wouldnt make others sad ie. seeing parents interact lovingly with their child...
are emotional flashbacks...
Intense emotions are flashbacks...
Things that make me mad / sad that have happened before may be flashing back to the original hurt, or the string of hurts...
Or if it feels uncomfortably familiar ie. loneliness...even though i dont *remember* being lonely as a child.

Thanks for sharing that. I can relate.

Im sorry that i cant tell you weather they are flashbacks, but hopefully you will be able to have some idea with my questions.

Your answer has been a great help. 

No doubt I'll need some more time to digest it all, but that's great. I have a nicely filled stomach. 
Thanks again.

[arpy1]

Dutch Uncle, here's a big to give you a bit of support with your memory avalanche and all that stuff. know how tough it can feel.

[Dutch Uncle]

 Thanks.

[Indigochild]

No problem Dutch. I hope it wasnt too much.

Umm yes it makes sense for it to only aggravate the situation. Good for you for putting boundaries up etc.
Its a shame that it came to no contact.
I understand about it being two evils.

Sounds like she has issues she needs to work through too.
It does sound like she is using you for supply but I'm not sure. i dont want to say she is when she may not be. She maybe be confused. who knows. I'm sure you have a better idea perhaps.


Sometimes feelings ARE the memory. Scary that. Scary to think that you might not have any visual memories, but only feeling ones.
I hope your aright having these memories back, you will be I'm sure is what i mean.
Do you have a good support system? any at all?

Yes sounds like an emotional flashback as you said it reminded you of being alone...
And your mum is like your sister. maybe sisters behaviour is reminding you of how your mum treated you.
Yes haha, narcisists usually hate other narcissists. They trigger each other.

I hope you get your answers. And if you are stuck and want to talk it out with us, thats ok to come back and do that too.

Indigo