New to out of the storm

[maylin84]

Hi, I have an npd son and have been in nc for 2years, having suffered 30 years of abuse.  We have been nc before for 5years, which was broken when I was very vulnerable as my hubby was ill.  Big mistake.    This time my t gave me the following  choice  - it was either my son or my mental health.  I chose my mental health.  I am in t still and working through the problems this abuse has caused me through my life.  T also feels my mom was unpd too - which explains so much, her emotional unavailability, her self-interest, not interested in my feelings ..... etc etc etc.
I just wanted to be part of a "normal" family, I guess, and tried harder and harder never reallising I was on a hiding to nothing.  It was only when I got so bad mentally that I went into t and over the time have learnt about npd and the damage it has done to me, but I am working hard to heal.  It doesn't feel "right" to be nc with my son, and I do beat myself up about it, but I just can't do it anymore.  Glad to have found you, along with OOTF, thanks for listening.

[maylin84]

BeHealthy thank you so much for your reply which gave me great comfort, I am so glad I posted now.  I must admit I do hope that people don't judge me harshly as I am a mother and our role is not to give up on our kids, but I stuck in there not knowing what I was dealing with for so many, many years.  It is great to hear that you understand, and although it is very un-natural for me to even think of putting myself first, things had got so bad that I have been left with little choice.  I am in t and we have left discussing other family members until recently, and my t thinks my mother (now deceased) was unpd too!  No wonder I feel so "damaged" at times, but the most hurtful thing I have learnt is that I thought I was loved and now realise I never was, npd's only use, discard, hurt and manipulate, gaslight, hoover etc etc, so I was truly in the fog for most of my life, thinking something was not "right" but always thinking it was me.   I would try harder and harder to get their approval, little did I know I was on a hiding to nothing.
Once again thank you for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Maylin, and welcome! I second what BeHea1thy said. Everyone has the right to draw healthy boundaries, even mothers. What you told about your story  reminded me of mothers of addicts, who also often mention this struggle - they want to stand by their kid, but they can't let themselves be Enablers or they'll only make things worse for everyone, their kids included. If you don't draw boundaries towards your son, you're giving him a situation where his tactics work, and that doesn't sound like something that's really good for him.

[maylin84]

Thank you very much for your understanding and insight.  I really hope I can keep this nc up.  My t is working on trying to make me healthier so that I will not succumb to him again, but it is so hard some days - wanting a "normal" relationship with him, and just being family.   
I have gradually lost my grandchildren, apart from one who does acknowledge me at Christmas and birthday.  Goodness knows the lies he has told about me, but I now from past experience everything is my fault - I must add here that he was very wanted and loved and his personality seemed to change when he came to his teenage years although there were signs before that.  He is wealthy and always says "money is power", well not with me it's not, I just wanted a healthy, loving relationship and stayed in there wishing for that far, far, far longer than was good for my mental and physical health.  I wish I could think that me choosing to go nc wih him would make him assess himself in some way and think "hang on, mom has always been there, why isn;t she? Is it something I have done"  - 
Yes, I know, pigs don't fly but I wish he would get help.  He has been in t twice and lasted about 2 - 3 times, saying it was all rubbish.

[Whobuddy]

Welcome maylin!   

For your own sanity, your health and your peace of mind, stay the course. The script you'd like to have is not happening soon. You can express love to your grandchildren by sending cards, gifts and letters. The universe knows and keeps track of Karma! Whether it reaches them or not, the reality is, you keep on loving. When they are old enough to have their own relationships with you, it will be pure and sweet.
Sometimes we just have to face up to the fact that our biological family, whether they be children, siblings or parents are capable of destroying us. It's up to us to value ourselves more that those blood ties. I see myself in your posts. Please forgive me if I come on too strong. I do care.

Wow, Behea1thy, that is some very great wisdom!

[maylin84]

Hi Behealthy and WhoBuddy, thank you so very much for your posts, it really helps to not feel so alone with this, although I wish with all my heart that this is something that none of us should have to face - the reality of never really being loved by your own family members.  It is a very bitter pill to swallow. As regards my 2 eldest grandchildren, both my hubby and I had skin cancer last year, and I am in t.  I sent letters,cards and cheques at Christmas with no reply from them.   At the beginning of Jan 2015 it was my eldest granddaughters b/day.  My t advised me to change what I had been doing (parcelling up presents/cheques  and cards)and getting no response from them, and to just send a card.  Thius didn't sit well with me but I took her advice. I don't know how it happened, I guess because my mind has been all over the place but I thought my gdaughter's 21st was next Jan.  Anyway, a few days after her birthday she sent me a text "Thank you SO much for wishing me a happy 21st!!!!! Thanks for the card!!!".  I replied and told her that I was very sorry for the genuine mix up, hoped she had had a lovely day etc., but also explained that we had both had cancer in the last year and that I had recently been told (via an MRI scan) that I had a growth on my spine. No response, instead she went to her dad (my son) and he phoned me telling that I had upset her and  that SHE had had all sorts of problems over the last 6 months (she is always falling out with everyone, her friends, mother etc etc) in passing he said he didn't know we had been ill but hoped we were ok - but it was really all about her and her problem, which he didn't explain,  there was no sincere concern for me.  I didn't respond and at the moment don't intend to.   That has been a couple of months ago now and I continue to work on myself through t, and learning all I can about his condition as I feel knowledge can only be a good thing - I was in the "fog" my whole life and I don't want the rest of my life lurching from one of his dramas to another.  Thank you so much for your help, I am glad I have found you, thank you for listening.

[maylin84]

BeHealthy, thank you for your post and very sorry to hear about your melanoma.  I hope the surgery was successful and that all will now be well.  Yes, you are so right, it is a harsh learning curve when you realise that even the "c" word doesn't even get them to act in a normal never mind compassionate way!  It was a real struggle, everything coming at once healthwise, and t as well.  Have just learned that my t thinks my mom had npd too, (she is now deceased) so am coming out of denial about her behaviour and all that did to my life, another ootf moment
Sometimes, I wish it would all go away and that I could be part of a "normal" loving family, but for me and many others it doesn't seem to exist.  Most of my relatives are deceased, am in contact with a couple of cousins but wouldn't burden them with this mess.  Thank goodness for my hubby and t and this forum.
Thank you once again.