Activity 1 "Journal about episode(s) of abuse"

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Re: Activity 1 "Journal about episode(s) of abuse"
« Reply #15 on: April 02, 2015, 08:17:26 AM »
Oh my words, C. I never thought to look at those stories of my early years. Now that I do - holy cow, do I ever see what you mean. Most stories are from how I inconvenienced my mother, or how I was convenient, or how I was embarassing. Not all stories. But there's a definite tendency.  :blink:

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Kizzie

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Re: Activity 1 "Journal about episode(s) of abuse"
« Reply #16 on: April 02, 2015, 04:40:43 PM »
Bee - thanks for the idea about sealing that emotional goo up and sending it off  :hug:
 
I was thinking about pictures this morning and realized through this discussion thread that I just can't look at them yet because they tell a huge lie.  As you touched on C, it was all about my parents and how they appeared to others.  In pictures my B and I are carefully positioned and smiling as props to feed my M's fantasies about being a good mother and a wonderful family.

In one picture that I remember I am dressed in a pretty dress (age 5 or 6 again), sitting smiling in front of the Christmas tree with a new dollhouse.  Looks pretty loving and warm and fuzzy on the surface, but then I remembered I told my parents what I really wanted a carriage for my dolls.  Wham, big time shaming. In turn that brought up lots of those kinds of memories of not being grateful enough, a long term pattern of shaming. Really sad stuff these seemingly "small" acts, but they're not and they add up - death (CPTSD) by a thousand cuts. 

Anyway, I can see this now as a loud and clear message that what mattered was not how I truly felt, but that I go along with the story line (wonderful family, great parents). And if I didn't - lots of shaming and anger, all too much for a little girl. 

For younger me - You did nothing wrong and did not deserve to grow up feeling ashamed and afraid and like you were a prop in someone else's life by  people who were supposed to love and care for you.  You are not inconsequential, you matter so very much to me and I will take care of you.  And if you still want a carriage I will get you one because you're the best little girl in the world and I love you  :bighug:

« Last Edit: April 02, 2015, 04:45:00 PM by Kizzie »

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VeryFoggy

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Re: Activity 1 "Journal about episode(s) of abuse"
« Reply #17 on: April 02, 2015, 07:33:20 PM »
Like others there are so many things that were wrong and abusive it would be impossible to list them all.  It feels like most of my life, but I think that was because it is just hard living with someone who is mentally ill.  If you are not mentally ill and you are a child? Well you see it, you know it, you know it's not right, and there is something wrong with them, but you do not know what to do.

So anyway the other day instead of listing abuses I made a list of all of my cries for help that I sent out to the world before finally leaving home for good. Because I did do things to try to get attention for what was wrong at home.  I wasn't successful, no one heard me, but I think that part of that was due to moving so often that no single adult person really had opportunity to observe me long enough to know anything was wrong.  We moved 13 times in the 16 years I lived at home.


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C.

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Re: Activity 1 "Journal about episode(s) of abuse"
« Reply #18 on: April 02, 2015, 07:49:33 PM »
I hope that you got that carriage Kizzie!  I don't think anyone is ever too old to play ;D   I know someone whose parents asked what he wanted for xmas, then didn't buy it to teach him a lesson about life, that you can't always get what you want, so sad...  As we recall memories I am again reminded that my aunt really did step in in appropriate ways.  Like she (and later her husband who was also quite loving) would always buy me exactly what I wanted for xmas, the barbie airplane, roller skates, etc.  I always felt at least ok about myself around her. 

I worked in the early child field for a long time.  I think b/c of that I see and understand the reality of those years for me.  Like I can "see" the unhealthy attachment between myself and my parents by my facial expressions, body positioning, and their role in the photo(s).  Anxious attachment (mom), Avoidant (dad)  - in my 0-3 y.o. (even older child) pics i'm usually with eyes wide open, "flat" facial expression(s), body a bit tense, parents seldom in the pic, and never a parent looking at me.   I was thinking how grateful I am for having worked in early childhood, I think that it saved my own children b/c I learned what "to do" for healthy attachment.  My work was all about helping parents have healthy parent-child interactions.

What a great insight about the photos.  That's probably why I hurt so with my more recent ones, I feel like they're all a lie about the happiness/devoted father role of my ex...

I really like the locked box idea.  And I appreciate the honesty about this work possibly causing an EF. I've used that strategy for stressful work days in the past and it was quite effective.  In fact I'm thinking that I'll have a "place" for my written/drawn memories where I can put it away when I'm done-a box, a drawer, car trunk.  I find that helps move my thoughts on to another topic.

Also, re-reading those memories for a reality check.  Perhaps that's why I like some of those baby picks where I can see I'm already anxious...though painful, it confirms the truth.

Very Foggy, kudos to your efforts as a child to cry out for help.  You knew something was wrong and cried out.  I am sorry it didn't work then, but it's working now.  Moving a lot might be one reason people didn't help.  I also think that times have changed some.  Now if a child has been moving a lot there's sometimes extra attention at the school setting or efforts to connect w/social service agencies say at the high school level and awareness that kids who move a lot fit in to the "at-risk" category warranting more help.  Adults are also a bit more trained, I hope, in noticing the cues of kids who are struggling.  But, sadly this is still a reality for children even as we speak.

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anosognosia

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Re: Activity 1 "Journal about episode(s) of abuse"
« Reply #19 on: April 03, 2015, 02:44:21 AM »
Because my memories are disorganized and non-sequential essentially. 

Me too!

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anosognosia

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Re: Activity 1 "Journal about episode(s) of abuse"
« Reply #20 on: April 03, 2015, 02:46:53 AM »
I'm gonna try to PM you all and I'm wondering how I would most efficiently do a group message to everyone who is participating? I also don't know who is a participant in this group work and who isn't.... (Sorry, still relatively new).


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C.

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Re: Activity 1 "Journal about episode(s) of abuse"
« Reply #21 on: April 03, 2015, 03:59:25 AM »
Sorry I just saw this message.  I will send you a PM to help to describe how to do so and who's currently in the group. :thumbup:

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bee

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Re: Activity 1 "Journal about episode(s) of abuse"
« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2015, 04:06:32 AM »
C. Ans SC
Oh my words, C. I never thought to look at those stories of my early years. Now that I do - holy cow, do I ever see what you mean. Most stories are from how I inconvenienced my mother, or how I was convenient, or how I was embarassing. Not all stories.
This fits for me too. So much so that it was noticed by my sister in law. She said that the stories my M tells are weird, not what a normal parent likes to talk about.

Kizzie - interesting note about the pictures telling a lie. That rings true. They make us look like a normal family. Always had to play happy family for the camera. Oh, and my M only ever gave me what she thought I should want, not what I actually wanted. It was very painful. I have purchased some of those things for myself, that I wanted, and did not get.

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C.

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Re: Activity 1 "Journal about episode(s) of abuse"
« Reply #23 on: April 03, 2015, 04:18:11 AM »
yeah, one of my first clues was when I learned that an in-law didn't find some of the stories funny, they sounded like neglect to her and made her mad...

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Kizzie

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Re: Activity 1 "Journal about episode(s) of abuse"
« Reply #24 on: April 03, 2015, 04:26:42 PM »
My H has often said that he thinks there were/are some in my FOO and friends who saw things more clearly than I thought. I was so utterly convinced that my M had everyone fooled about her and about me, and that they believed I was a bad daughter I couldn't take it in. 

As I read your posts though Bee and C (we have a bit of an alphabet thing going here lol), I realized that last week when friends of my FOO came to visit, it was because they wanted to see us, they like us and they don't see me as some screwed up, bad daughter, blah, blah, blah. So maybe my H is correct. 

Now the FOO I am NC with definitely are FM's of my M's, but perhaps I have not given others credit for being able to think for themselves and too much to my NPDM for being able to fool people. That said, I still don't think anyone understood that my FOO were actually abusive, dysfunctional maybe but not traumatizing.   

C- Once my NPDB gave us a book about planes for our anniversay because his picture is in it (he's a pilot)!  Now it that NPD or what lol?!  :doh: