Husband and Triggers

[Badmemories]

So today uNPDH, ( definitely abusive) started ranting about how I was not getting anything done that HE needed me to get done. How he is NOT taken care of by me etc. I mean he ranted for about 20-30 minutes. I immediately went into the bedroom and slept very hard and didn't wake-up until 5 hours later! I guess his ranting and raving is definitely a Trigger...mmm now what to do about it!

I started reading the book I bought on abusive men... I guess I am going to have to make a decision at some point rather to stay or leave! I have been setting on the fence for years!! not really much else to say about this... Wonder IF I told him about triggers he's understand or use it against me? 

[schrödinger's cat]

Either way it might be helpful if you're theoretically willing and ready to leave him. If you told him about triggers and then he used them against you and you're unable to leave...  - ugh, I don't even want to imagine what that would be like.

You have my fullest sympathy. My husband used to trigger EFs nearly every freaking day. Deciding to leave him was still so surprisingly hard. We're still together because he stopped triggering me, but that's a long and somewhat bizarre story. And even so, I'm not sure anything would have happened if he hadn't seen how very serious I was about this. As for me, I don't think I could have been as calm and controlled and so much in earnest if I hadn't been so sure that I would get a divorce, so much so that I'd made specific plans on how I'd go about it.

[Badmemories]

I started reading the abusive man book. I have been underlining the things that he does to me. I have thought about giving him the book when I get done and let him read it. He did take an abuse class. that was so many years ago!

I mean everything is always him and what he wants. He lives in a trailer that he has been working on. sometimes I stay with him.. I used to have my own trailer but the pipes were broke last winter because I became unemployed and I did not keep the heat in all winter.  basically I stay at My daughters and his house and switch off.  It is nothing but junk! In fact I keep telling him it is dangerous because I smell sewer gas, and I know that that is not safe. Of course I don't know anything! On my last job I was a chemical handler and have extensive training in unsafe conditions! Sewer gas is definitely one of them!

He bought a new mobile home. It had a lot of upgrades and would be decent. (I thought to rent, but I am seeing that he is going to move the stuff (workshop+ his junk ) in there instead of renting the trailer out. I did ask him IF he considered moving into the NEW (to us) trailer. He gave me many reasons why he would not move into it. The main one being that he has the windows set up in the trailer we live in so he can see everything that is going on! He went through a minor rage when I asked Him if he considered moving in the new trailer. The new trailer is across the street.  So now he has torn out all the built in closets,drawers etc. I am so mad about it. Something that could give us $450-500- rent he just trashed for storage! Duh!

This is only ONE of the problems that I see with his management of the trailer court. I can't tell him nothing though! If I do tell him something then he tells me all the reasons why it won't work.. and then later on acts as if it was his idea! That has me in a funk also. I invested a lot of money in the trailer court when I worked, thinking it would be a retirement nest egg. I have never taken a dime from the business. He has spent most of the money on toys that he needs and wants. Then he has sat around all these years and basically done only what absolutely what had to be done. After 17 years having the trailer court we are still barely making a profit from it.  He continues to run it on credit cards...

Anyway I suggested that we sell all the rentals, and just have the lots for rent. Then I want to move to a warmer climate. My arthritis is very bad in this climate and I can't see any reason why we can't live in a warmer climate in the winter. I live in MN a very cold climate. I just keep thinking that why should I live here when I am handicapped 6-7 months out of the year, when I could be normal most of the time.

I did think about moving in My daughters building where I am babysitting most of the time anyways. If I do not get any answers I don't think I will be here after next fall...I just can't get motivated...to go through My stuff and get all My sh#T in one sock to get it done. I have been depressed since I lost my job in Jan 2014. So I am my own worst enemy!

Anyway Thank You for listening! Sorry to rant!

[schrödinger's cat]

I read yesterday that apparently venting helps us deal with CPTSD, so my first reaction to your post was more like "yay, she's beginning to heal!"

What he did sounds disrespectful of your resources, your abilities, and your peace of mind. And it seems like this isn't some new development or short-term weirdness, but a basic pattern of behaviour that pops up again and again. So... hm. It sounds pretty bad and hard to bear.

EDITED TO ADD: I re-read this just now and realize it sounds maybe a bit too low-key... but I was trying so hard not to use swear-words!

[keepfighting]

Rant away - it sounds like you need it  .

How is your depression now?

[Badmemories]

Hi ladies and gentleman!

Sorry I have not been here as much. I am doing better some days, and moving back some other days. I have so MUCH to work on! I am working on NOT denying the abuse!  so of course that is taking some of My time away from posting here. I have been reading everything I CAN on the abuse! Thank You everyone for the pep talk! I guess I have been sort of NUMB on the abuse...and Yall gave me a wake-up call!

Also I LOST everything on My computer!  My computer went back to the beginning of when I bought it.    so, that slowed me down! I only have time to post a short one but when I get the girls in bed I will write about it in the cafe, and answer some more posts 

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi badmemories! Good to hear from you. I'm glad that your silence was the busy kind and not the secretly-going-to-pieces kind.

[Rain]

I think of you often, badmemories.   Sending you a 

[keepfighting]

Glad you're doing okay, badmemories. 

Two steps forwards, one step backwards means you're still winning. 

Kudos and good wishes to you!

kf

[Badmemories]

so uNPD hubby is already doing the hoovering thing. He has been so excited that I got MY SSDI.  So he is going back and forth between being very nice... and brainwashing as I call it. He is saying all kinds of things he needs.. (it is always about him!) I have not even cashed the check yet as I have lots of bills to catch up and just know he is trying to figure out how he can spend it.

So, Saturday he bought a new vehicle. He did not have the money but borrowed from all the tenants to get the money! Actually I think HE thinks that I will help him pay for it!  He is just so smooth... buying a new vehicle when he knows I have money coming... borrowing money for it so I will feel sorry for him! 

Then the discussion came up that SSDI said that It would be best to file taxes jointly so that I's get most of My money back instead of paying taxes on it. it would be 30% married filing single, or 10-15% filing jointly. He ranted and raved that he needed to do it that way because of the business.

I have a lot of anger at him because he filed his taxes married filing single when I was giving him lots of money for the business and then when he filed that way... it made it LOOK like he made NO income while it made me look like I had $50,000. So he paid NO taxes... and the amount of taxes I had taken out did not cover MY tax bill at all! So, now I owe Uncle Sam thousands of dollars. and he owes nothing! Then like any uNPDH he always says that I owe so many taxes that he could not file jointly now, making it look like I was the irresponsible one! Right now I see divorce as the only answer... IF I divorce him then MY TAX bill will become one of both of our bills to be split up! A great option for me!

Then I discussed with him that we should sell the trailers we own,(pay off all the credit cards he uses to run the business) and then we would get lot rent to live on. He kept saying that is not enough?? I can not figure out why? We would loose all the repairs on the trailers, the land to take care of is not more than mowing OUR OWN lots and the license fee from state. (359. per year) with ALL of that done then we would have roughly $50,000 to live on.. before taxes and ect. honestly I am not even sure why I am writing this! I mean I never win with him anyway!

Then on top of it all he paid the taxes on Him and his brothers house now that his mom turned it over to her sons. They also have another property in MS that I have not found out what it is I have been mentioning him giving me the address so I can look it up on google maps to see what it is like. He is also paying his mother phone bill, monthly...I don't mind that... but just mentioning it.

I want to move to a warmer climate where I can get out and around and have a life! with My arthritis MN is very hard for me in the winter!

Anyway I need to put some boundaries in place but not sure what to put in place! any advice You all give me and any ideas I will contemplate seriously and try to put in place.