Compassion

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Jazzy

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Compassion
« on: October 08, 2019, 10:40:11 PM »
This has been on my mind the last few days, so I'll post it here. Maybe someone can relate, maybe someone has some advice, maybe not.

In short, I wish I felt compassion for people more often, and am wondering how to bring this about. I think I'm a nice person, I really try to be. I'm sure that I am so much nicer than NPD M raised me to be (always telling me being horrible was being nice, but I've learned so much of it is not true).

The problem is more that I take up most of my emotional effort dealing with myself. Being me is difficult, and I don't have much left over. Add on to that depression, anxiety, and the other symptoms, and it doesn't leave me much time to think about others. This sounds selfish, but I think there's some truth to all those sayings that say you need to look after yourself first, so that you're in a good place to help others.

I also hope that social situations will go better if I can more actively show compassion. I just see other people who really show they care a lot, and I wish I could be more like them. In person, I'm told that I'm extremely stoic, or neutral, or emotionless... even my facial expressions are blank/non existent.  I know this comes from a childhood lifetime of hiding my feelings, thoughts, reactions etc. but I'm not a child anymore. I just want to break away from how I was forced to be as a child so badly. I feel trapped, and I don't know how to change myself.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2019, 10:41:51 PM by Jazzy »

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woodsgnome

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Re: Compassion
« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2019, 06:05:20 PM »
I've been told umpteen times of my compassion; especially by my therapist, but over the years from others as well. I've never taken it in, given my own baggage of self-doubt.

Thinking about the impression others have of me;, I've my doubts anyone would regard me as being compassionate. Similar reasons as Jazzy gives -- I learned to hide my emotions well when younger. Apparently this can be unlearned, but perhaps not consciously.

I mean planning to build compassion wasn't exactly on my radar. However, when I saw or see needs that others express, I sure have responded; to the point, perhaps, of being extreme -- instinctually I want to help; once started, I tend to dive in, reluctant or not.

I especially did this during stints as a hospice volunteer and also with youngsters in a preschool situation. In both areas I was lauded for my depth of service. Except -- I never thought about what I was doing, other than following whatever and however my instincts took me.

Again, though, I'd hardly strike someone as being full of compassion; until a need was directly present, apparently. Thinking about it, even in retrospect, I still have no idea how I came to be someone regarded as compassionate. Go figure -- I can't.

Somehow this does seem related to the scars I carry from my own past. Somehow that translates to action. So it's great to have been abused? NO ... NO ... and NO! Perhaps not being helped struck a nerve, I don't know. Maybe caring for others became an outlet for the pain inside? Dunno  :Idunno:

It isn't so important that compassion is shown, IMO. But it seems there's a well, perhaps, from which we draw when it seems we can? Again, a mystery. And like other mysteries, figuring it all out doesn't mean as much as being able to respond if and when situations arise.

The inner emotional roils are stumbling blocks, for sure. Yet one never knows when these might fall aside; and allow the outer to reflect the deep well of caring inside.

Jazzy said: "I just want to break away from how I was forced to be as a child so badly. I feel trapped, and I don't know how to change myself." Like so much, how we fare in various areas seems to ride along our intentions to first, incover where we went awry, and unlearn the leftover bad vibes.

Jazzy, what you've shown in all your posts is that you have that well of compassion already inside. When and if it always shows to others, it's the best starting point. And it builds the self-work you're doing. Nothing to strive for, just a mystery as to how and when it will appear (or already has).  :hug:



« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 06:13:45 PM by woodsgnome »

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Jazzy

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Re: Compassion
« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2019, 10:48:46 PM »
Thank you woodsgnome; beautiful words!  :hug:

I think you make a good point that we, knowing first hand, how horrible it can be to be mistreated, will go far out of our way when we can to help another. I also think we're on the same page looking at the little day-to-day things.

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about this topic, but they aren't well sorted out yet. Before I wrote this post, I didn't realize how much it tied in to childhood events, and the symptoms of CPTSD. So, I guess that's growth for me already.

I guess for now I'll just do my best to keep trying, and hopefully some improvement will follow. :)