A Day That I Couldn’t Control

[mikenoodle]

Hi everybody.

Today marks 30 years since my Father died.

He was my primary abuser and is responsible for much of what I suffer with today.

When your primary abuser is a parent, it alters your entire sense of reality. All of the typical answers don't apply because the people that should give you strength and support are the people who abuse you. There is no place for you to find unconditional love, and there is no place to learn how to love and how to accept love from others.

I know I'm kind of rambling, but it feels right.

Normally, I don't give this day too much thought, but lately my Therapist and I have been working on my issues with him that still haunt me. This made today more present in my mind and therefore, more unavoidable.

I am sad. I am angry. I am confused. I am lonely, and I hurt.

I just wanted to get it out somewhere as I don't feel comfortable sharing things this deep with anyone, except maybe my wife.

[Not Alone]

Mike, I hear you, your sadness, anger, hurt. My words feel weak, but I feel for you.

[Kizzie]

So sorry you are feeling this way 30 years after your F's death.  Sadly one thing about Complex PTSD is that time does not heal all wounds but allowing ourselves to remember and feel in the company of caring others who understand can go a long way in healing/recovery.

So if rambling feels right then go right ahead, we're here to listen and support you   

[RiverRabbit]

It seems our backgrounds are very similar...

I know, very well, what it is like to have no sense of "home", "shelter"... or a "trusted embrace".

I have been extremely lucky to have married a person who is from a background where "home" is a very concrete concept, that can be trusted and relied on.  And some day, I hope to understand what "home" really feels like.  But, it is still foreign to me, even after 26 years of being in this relationship.

Luckily she has patience...

I have picked up writing poetry, again, after 30 years of only technical writing (I am a programmer, and I write instruction manuals for the applications that I create).  This as kept my skills sharp, but kept me blissfully away from any emotional content.

Unfortunately, hiding in this way, just forces the "demons" to surface in other areas.  The creative writing serves as a "safer" way to get some of this out... a pressure release of sorts.

My advise... do consider the source  ... read the areas that peak your interest in this forum... when you feel ready, write something... pour it out... then post it before you can talk yourself out of it.

[mikenoodle]

That's sound advice! Thank you!

I believe that many of us share common experiences as our particular brand of "damage" comes from a specific set of circumstances. Thanks for the kind words. I also married a woman who had a very strong sense of family and a strong sense of home. In my 33 years of marriage I have learned the ways of family and mourn for the loss of mine.

[Kizzie]