Frozen, griefstruck, unable to soothe

[Sasha]

Hello to anyone who is reading this, and thank you for being here and for hearing me. It just means so much.

Recently I have been feeling safe and supported enough to do more grounding work when triggered, and I have been 'angering' - directing feelings of shame, fear and loathing towards my abusers, allowing myself  to feel more fully the pain of the abuse.

It hurts. It hurts so much. Like... a monster inside me eating me, and there is a little girl who I can't help. I feel so helpless. Tears are in heavy flow as I write this.

And that is where I am at the moment. I feel like I have made some sort of progress, I am proud that I can feel and connect more with this original pain, and am beginning to be able to distinguish this from current life, hopefully resulting in a more stable present as I project less, and direct my emotions in the correct direction. Also! Thwarting the inner and our critic! This is a success. Wow, okay writing this I can feel that I am making progress in this area...

I do feel like I am getting stuck, however, in the grief. The fear I feel when I allow myself to connect with my child is paralysing. There is that sentiment... "the worst of the abuse has happened, you are an adult now ".... However I just can't connect with it. There is a stage that I need to get to, because through angering and connecting to the feelings of pain, I am becoming immersed in full blown flashbacks without much of a ladder, or the tools, to soothe my child, or to climb out.

Thus, I am on the fifth day of a very full on series of symptoms, including body dissociation, migraines, brain fog, alienation, disorientation and depression, following an abandonment trigger. False alarm, but one that caused a big mess. I love my partner very much and any thought of The End sends me into a huge spin.

Last night he came to be with me, as he has every night, because despite my outer and inner critics attempts to isolate and shame me, I reached out to him, in trust, and he was there and still is here. Thanks be to those who support us through the roughest times xxx

Yesterday I wanted to rip up or hide pictures of myself as a child. I realised I have so many staring at me in my flat, there must be something in that? They were triggering such grief and pain.

I felt nauseous, swirling disgust and pain in my stomach. Absolutely terrified, dropping from numb blank into pain, crying and anguish. My partner supported me through this. I thought it would never end but it did subside after some time.

Today I still feel the grips. I am on the brink of tears, and still have an ache in my stomach area. Is it grief? Or disgust? Or pain?

What can I do to help myself and my child?

Many thanks, your responses mean a great deal to me.

Sasha x

[Hope67]

Hi Sasha,
I read what you wrote, and wanted to extend a supportive and gentle hug, if that's ok    You are going through a lot, and I can see that you're experiencing many things.  I sometimes find that putting arms around one's own body and giving a gentle hug to all parts - any inner children who need that support and hug can benefit from it.  It's just something that I find has helped me, and I don't know if it might be helpful to you - I just wanted to say it.
I'm glad your partner is supportive, and I wish you the best with things today.
Take care,
Hope 

[Kizzie]

So sorry to hear you're having a tough time right now Sasha, but glad you are here reaching out and talking about it 

One thought I had when I read your post is that maybe you're not stuck in your grief so much as there's just a lot to grieve?    

It might help to acknowledge that with your Inner Child, let her know you know how hard it was for her and take her out to do something fun or relaxing so she and you have a bit of relief. Doing fun things worked well with my ICh so it might help yours.   

[Sasha]

Thanks for the hug Hope67. Body stuff feels very weird at the moment. Putting my arms around myself ... sometimes I can do that but right now I finding it hard to place my 'self'. Thanks for your words, nonetheless.

Kizzie, what you have said about there possibly being a lot of stuff feels very true and I cried a lot reading your comment.

I feel like I might be reaching new stage in my understanding of the attachment trauma I experienced, and a lot is indicating that it goes back to when I was a baby/toddler. About 18 months ago a therapist I did some body work with couldn't progress much in our session because I became frozen in fear when consciously recalling a memory of abuse of a particular kind that occurred a lot. I dissociated very heavily and became fairly unresponsive. She said that she felt this indicated that these events may have been happening when I was an infant.

I also remember things from my very early years that are unpleasant, although I am reluctant to write details here, for consideration of others feelings. They are mainly sad stories of neglect, some involving my siblings as well. Today I remembered that when I was very little I had a number of recurring nightmare about my mother/primary carer, and I used to have very strong anxiety as a child too.

I am thinking this. In newly reaching a younger part of myself that is traumatised I am feeling new and quite overwhelming things: my original feelings of absolute fear and sadness at being abandoned/neglected as an infant/toddler, and my adult horror, shock, disgust and anger at accepting (realising?) this happened to me.
I feel like I am vacillating between these at the moment. The original fear manifests as some sort of paralysis. It has less cognitive thought and shame as my older memories do. It is either a numb, dead, blank feeling, or a very needy feeling, that is accompanied by body stiffness, hunched shoulders and stiff jaw. Fighting the need to need. It is one of the saddest things I have ever felt, and I have been struggling a great deal to soothe.

Kizzie, you suggested I do something fun or relaxing with /for my inner child, like possibly take her out. This makes me realise that often when I am dissociated or heavily processing I find the idea of 'out' quite dangerous and scary. However I'm going to try to look after my very young inner child today by watching some light movies, drinking hot milky drinks and snuggling in warm blankets. Hot bath later and a light story to read. I feel better just thinking about it. My partner called in and cancelled work for me today, which no one has ever done for me before. I was in a mess so it was a good call, and also made me feel very looked after, which is exactly what I am craving right now (although I feel quite ashamed to admit it).

Update is that the counselling service I contacted got back and said they can offer concessionary rates. Need to call them tomorrow.

[Blueberry]

Sounds like you have a ton of really difficult stuff going on rn. 

I too find 'out' pretty difficult and off-putting or even scary when I'm in a bad EF. So I think it's a good idea that you plan to make some time for your little ICs with soothing inside activities. It's great that you feel better thinking about your plans - it sounds as if they are the right ones for you atm.

on your partner for cancelling work for you. I'm so glad that somebody is taking care of you now. For me anyway that goes a certain distance to healing IC longing to be looked after to make up for long ago situations where I wasn't looked after.

[Kizzie]

I'm going to try to look after my very young inner child today by watching some light movies, drinking hot milky drinks and snuggling in warm blankets. Hot bath later and a light story to read. I feel better just thinking about it.

Sounds lovely and safe Sasha   

[Not Alone]

However I'm going to try to look after my very young inner child today by watching some light movies, drinking hot milky drinks and snuggling in warm blankets. Hot bath later and a light story to read. I feel better just thinking about it. My partner called in and cancelled work for me today, which no one has ever done for me before. I was in a mess so it was a good call, and also made me feel very looked after, which is exactly what I am craving right now (although I feel quite ashamed to admit it).

You have a lot of very difficult things going on right now. Glad your partner was so thoughtful in calling work for you. Those sound like really good ways to take care of your inner child. I hope you found some comfort.