Preparing for parenthood

Started by Sasha, October 13, 2019, 04:21:58 PM

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Sasha

I'd like to have children, and I think I will, but I feel so frightened.

I'm frightened of pregnancy and the hormones changing my body and mind in ways that I will find destabilising, as I have worked hard to feel more control over these domains.

I'm frightened if a pregnancy doesn't go well I will fall apart. Early in my adult life I had a terminations where I wanted to keep the baby but was influenced to abort by an angry ex-partner. I felt like I killed my child and the guilt and pain of this, combined with raging confused hormones, brought on OCD, intrusive thoughts and my first major EFs, leading me to feel suicidal and to take almost a year out of work. I'm grateful now as they would have been born into a real mess.

I'm frightened that I won't be able to look after myself when I am a parent, and that lack of sleep and increased stress will cause me to relapse.

I'm frightened I will feel jealous at seeing my partner nurture our baby, and will want his attention all to myself.

I'm frightened that I won't be able to love my baby, won't feel attached and will panic at the attachment needs they have.

I'm frightened at the idea that stress might cause me to lash out, shout, hit and behave in the ways my mother did.

I feel frightened that certain members of my family will believe that they are entitled to be involved in my children's lives, and that there will be violence and pain if they are.

I'm frightened that I'll end up alone with children if my partner dies or leaves me, and I won't know how to cope alone.

I'm frightened that I'll lose my mind, irreparably, and no one will be able to help me.

On the other hand...

I'd like to have children, I think I will, and I feel so excited.

I feel excited to create a family with my beautiful partner, and to bring the joy of  new children into his loving and supportive family.

I feel excited to raise children of my own, with caring values, love and support from me, my partner, my dear friends and my partners family.

I feel excited to immerse myself in motherhood, to devote myself to my children and all that they are and will be.

I feel like excited to play with them, to be creative, have fun and my inner child feels so very excited about this too.

I feel excited to teach them about the world, to talk with them and hear their voices, see their many expressions, and learn their personalities.

I feel excited to encourage all of their development, to the best that I can, being on time, consistent, supportive, practical and humorous.

I feel excited to hold a warm little bundle of new life in my arms, close to my chest, and breathe in my baby's smell

I feel excited to cuddle with my partner and our baby, safe and warm, singing lullabies together.

I feel excited to be pregnant and to feel my close friends and community's love and care for me

I feel excited to meet other mums and join a whole new community, a whole new life, a new stage in my life existence.

I feel excited knowing that I will do everything - every damn thing - in my power to ensure that the top list of things that frighten me do not occur, and if they do I will do everything I can to make things well, to bring peace, and calm, love, stability and support into my children and my family's lives.

I am excited to learn what strong stuff I am really made of <3