I don't even know what this is

[Blueberry]

Yup, I don't even know what this is.

A friend is going to help me with written formulation of something important. I just need it by the end of the month but earlier would be better. Well, she's just emailed me that she's going to help me on the 25th. Cognitively-speaking, time enough, but I'm worried. So I thought, maybe I could write it after all on my own.

I can't even explain or describe what then happened in my brain. Things went haywire is about the best I can say. Then SH impulses. But I'm more interested in what happened before the SH impulses? I don't even feel particularly bad or triggered rn because I realise due to my reaction that I simply cannot write this response on my own. I suppose things feeling as if they are about to go haywire works as a warning to me to not try on my own so once I've realised that then I no longer have to feel it? It's not just haywire though, it's also like a dead-weight in my gut. And problems breathing - forgetting to do so and/or just shallow breathing.

I suppose it's an EF. I'm surprised at the intensity. otoh it shows me yet again how triggering writing is to me when I have to try and prove something, explain something, apply for help, for an exception to be made.

I'm not actually expecting an answer on what this thing is. For one thing, it's so difficult to describe, how would anyone else know? Also I suppose that how I'm reacting to it is the most important thing now.

[sanmagic7]

dear blueberry, whatever it is, it sounds awful. i hope it goes away as quickly as it came on.   wish i could help.  can only send love and a supportive, caring hug.

[Jazzy]

Hi Blueberry,

Sorry you are having such a difficult time with this. When I filed for disability, I had an absolutely horrible time. Just seeing the papers would throw me in to an EF. I tried many times, but I was paralyzed. I never managed to fill them out myself. Maybe don't try to push yourself too much. It sounds like you are having a lot of trouble with this, and you have your friend helping anyway.

Anyway, sounds like one of those situations where words aren't going to help too much, so  if it will be helpful. I hope this all works out quickly and positively. Take care!

[Blueberry]

Thanks, san.   It did go away quickly but I know it will be back if I even consider doing this paragraph on my own again. Well, now I know why I haven't written this particular additional paragraph under Other on this form for months. Yeah, you read that correctly, I've been trying to do it and giving up for about 6 months. 

Thanks for validating Jazzy! I've never had anybody else tell me about similar reactions before. "Paralysed" is a good word for it. When I try to push through the paralysis, something goes haywire. Protective mechanism? Could be because it's certainly better to have a brief moment of 'haywire' and back off than try and push through with it and get way too close to some traumatic incident. Because when that happens, really bad things take place. I don't even want to think about those bad things. Not the kind of severe EF I want to get into. Maybe this kind of severe EF is even a retraumatisation, like those past 2 times I had rl FOO encounters.

I won't be trying to write this on my own. It'll be hard enough trying to get a few papers together to photocopy and send in with the application.

[Kizzie]

BB I'm sorry you had such a reaction to this situation.  I think you're very brave to try and figure out why, as most of us know it's tough to do when something is that traumatic we feel paralysed.

I know you weren't expecting answers but your post made me think of how I feel when I can't do something on my own. It makes me feel really vulnerable. We MUST rely on others in life and that has not gone well (to say the least) in the past. Either my family was just not there for me at all (and how frightening & lonely is that?), or I paid mightily for any help I did get (eg criticized for being weak, not very capable, now had a debt to repay .....).

In life whenever someone did let me down I would feel intense anger, followed by the thought "That's what I get for relying on someone else. I'm on my own, always have been." Like you though I've tried to figure it out what's beneath that and have come to see it's grief, deep grief that I did not matter to my family, that they would take any opportunity when they saw "weakness" to make me feel bad about myself, etc.   

Anyway, not sure if this resonates with you at all but wanted to put it out there in case it's helpful.   

[Blueberry]

Thank you Kizzie! That does resonate strongly but it's not actually what's going on here. In this case I'm not triggered about not being able to do something particular. The problem involves trying to go through a blockage too early, trying to force myself to do something when doing so would send me spinning and spiralling downwards into retraumatisation. Yep, it's that bad.

I've been forced over these kinds of blockages before usually by impatient Ts and the results were never good.

** TW SI in past **





In inpatient settings, T would prod and poke for more information and I'd say things like "there's a big black cube in my guts and if I have to look at it then I want to kill myself".  T. would brush that aside and poke further and I'd start screaming hysterically and then crying for hours, sometimes days. Of course in retrospect I know I didn't want to kill myself but that was what came to mind in the situation. This was so bad, so dangerous for me to be getting so close to the trauma that it looked to the Ts as if I had gone crazy. In actual fact I was trying to protect myself.

** End TW **

My GP calls it getting too close to the furnace. He has a much better feel for this kind of thing than lots of Ts.

It's hard for me to say, but I feel proud of myself for having figured out the nuance in this case and for listening to the message. I feel proud is a step beyond giving myself cheerleaders. 

[Kizzie]

Good for you BB     Your post is a reminder for all of us that we need to stop when we need to stop and our T's must honour that.  They of course want us to face our trauma but we have to live with the consequences of that and know better than anyone what we're capable of dealing with at any moment in time.   

[Jazzy]

Wow, sorry to hear you've been through that. It can be really dangerous to push someone when they're not ready.

[Blueberry]

You're right Jazzy, it can be really dangerous. It happened to me more than once too. Of course in the incident at the top of this thread I was about to push myself too far when I wasn't ready.

[sanmagic7]

good for you, blueberry, for knowing when to stop.  self-care at its best and brightest.  that black cube analogy is very telling.  i'm glad you've stayed away from it when you weren't ready.  love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

Thanks san Maybe sometime I'll even know what that black cube analogy means but I guess it's still too early for me to understand. I'm good with that.

Though once in group therapy with trance imagination work where we then we drew pictures of our journeys, I remember there was something terrible that turned up, but my subconscious wouldn't allow me to look at it. I remember I buried it in a pile of autumn leaves and one of my therapy stuffed animals held this terrible thing until I was ready for it a number of years later. It wasn't a memory. It was the realisation on some deeper, emotional level that I was incapable of working at all (as was the case then).  I was flabber-gasted. I remember asking my therapy stuffed animal if that was all that had been covered in that pile of leaves and she nodded.

So I mean if I give this black cube time enough it might be 'not that bad' cognitively-speaking but just way too early atm.

[Blueberry]

Your post is a reminder for all of us that we need to stop when we need to stop and our T's must honour that.  They of course want us to face our trauma but we have to live with the consequences of that and know better than anyone what we're capable of dealing with at any moment in time.   

Once again I am so grateful that I've found such a good T! We did very careful work today in therapy to try and take a look at whatever this is. My T works a lot with imagery. Taking a slow careful look is like holding my foot above hot bath water and maybe skimming the surface with my big toe to test temperature instead of plunging my whole foot in or worse jumping in with both feet. Back when I started with this T, he'd spend a long time just working through that kind of imagery with me, while I undoubtedly yawned and/or dissociated. Now it's just part of a session, one of the tools I use. I had to practise this so much because I think I'd had so many Ts who'd pushed me too far, or had Ts e.g. in group therapy who would encourage people "who had always held back" to go that extra mile. I thought I had always held a bit back, so I would go that extra mile despite physical aches all over etc etc. For years I just had no idea that I was pushing myself too far. I was believing FOO stuff "lazy, slow, overly cautious" So once again, I'm very lucky to have a T who notices and correctly interprets my signals. I'm better at noticing now too and putting the brakes on but that's because he's been teaching me.

[Blueberry]

Sometimes I re-read my old threads.

Reading the final post here - I can't believe I wrote that less than a year ago. It does show me I have made real progress since last fall which I can feel when I read the post! It helps me believe that dipping back into EFs might be a way to avoid going too far into something.

[Kizzie]

              

[Blueberry]

I can't even explain or describe what then happened in my brain. Things went haywire is about the best I can say. Then SH impulses. But I'm more interested in what happened before the SH impulses? I don't even feel particularly bad or triggered rn because I realise due to my reaction that I simply cannot write this response on my own. I suppose things feeling as if they are about to go haywire works as a warning to me to not try on my own so once I've realised that then I no longer have to feel it? It's not just haywire though, it's also like a dead-weight in my gut. And problems breathing - forgetting to do so and/or just shallow breathing.

I suppose it's an EF. I'm surprised at the intensity. otoh it shows me yet again how triggering writing is to me when I have to try and prove something, explain something, apply for help, for an exception to be made.

I worked on Go-Haywire-Part last year in inpatient therapy. Once I listened to this Part, let her express things, she wasn't haywire. I remember I thanked her for carrying so much for so long. She calls herself Blue, not Go-Haywire, so I call her Blue too or think of her as Blue. When I think of her, the image I had of her in therapy is more sad and tired than anything else, certainly not crazy! This progress doesn't necessarily mean I'll be able to write anything particular of the type of thing I was trying to 5 years ago. It means more that I'll be careful not to go over my limits in this kind of case so that some inner part of me doesn't have to really act out to get my adult parts to listen.

I remember the work on this Part was pretty exhausting. But worth it because it's all toned down a bit.

fwiw, I never finished that application. It wasn't for a job.