Snookie's journal

Started by Snookiebookie2, October 16, 2019, 01:18:53 AM

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Snookiebookie2

Hi,

Just rejoined the site. I can't remember why I deleted my profile a few months ago. Ironically, I was probably very triggered - so staying in the site probably would have been a good idea. Mind you CPTSD isn't a rational beast.

Anyway, I've missed having somewhere to come. And this is such a good site. Thank you for letting me back.

I'm feeling triggered at the moment. I've made mistakes at work.  I've posted about this before.  Work is a big part of my identity. I'll explain why. As a child I was made to feel useless and important. That was until I was about 9 and I started doing well at school. For the first time I was noticed and got positive attention. I worked very hard to keep up my only supply of positive attention.

As an adult I get the same satisfaction and reassurance at work as I did at school. So when I make errors, I worry my source of comfort is threatened.  My whole fragile world is threatened.

I understand it's a maladaptive coping system that I have developed. But for the most part it works. It's quite simply perfectionism. But it's what makes me a darn good member of staff.  I have an enormous work rate. I'm driven.

I work part time and I'm very organised. I'm taking on additional more complex work.  Also, there is a constant flow of work, which I can keep up with if I don't take time off. If I'm off, is hard to catch up. That combined with the new, more involved work is what had caused the errors.

They are relatively minor errors, all resolve-able. But they trigger my Inner Critic: I'm useless - they're gonna sack me.

But, I've recognised what is happening. I've come back here. I will speak to someone at work too. These are positives.

sanmagic7

welcome back, snookie.  good to see you again.  i agree, these are positives.  good luck w/ the work stuff.  sending love and hugs. :hug: :hug:

Snookiebookie2


Blueberry

Welcome back, Snookiebookie!  :heythere:

Snookiebookie2

Intense. Frustrating.  Irritating.   Triggering.   Just a few ways I'd describe today.

Not enough time. So many things needing my attention.  All involved.  All technical.  Just a few of the feelings I had.

I spoke with my boss and tried  explain that I'm beginning to juggle many things.  I offered to work some extra hours but stressed this was a temporary measure.   He was receptive  and offered to arrange payment of overtime.   At the time of the conversation I thought it had gone well, but snippets keep popping in my head and I feel stupid.   Damn my Inner Critic.

I should be focusing on my proactivity, that I took responsibility,  that I came up with solutions.   Yet, feel shame and self loathing at the phrases I used.

The thing is I think I'm in for a few more weeks of struggling and juggling.  It's going to difficult and unpleasant, but it will get better and easier.  My Inner Critic isn't helping or the intense negative emotions. 

Snookiebookie2

Woke up. Can't sleep. Thinking of work.  Ruminating.  :fallingbricks:

Remember: I have CPTSD. This makes life hard.  I am just dealing with a difficult situation, made a little worse by my CPTSD. My limbic system is in overdrive, that's all.

Stay calm. Be focused. Be realistic. Be compassionate. Do self care. This will pass.

Right, off to listen to BBC Radio 4 - great for distracting me to sleep.

sanmagic7

sending love and a hug filled with support and care. :hug:  hang tough, snookie - we're hangin' right beside you!  :grouphug:

Snowdrop

I hope you managed to get back to sleep.

QuoteI am just dealing with a difficult situation, made a little worse by my CPTSD.

That's good self-awareness :applause:. I find it so easy to forget this.

Snookiebookie2

Sanmagic7: thank you for your comments and support.  :hug:

Snowdrop: Yes, I fell back to sleep.  And thanks for your positive comments too.  :)


Snookiebookie2

Another busy and taxing day. Similar to yesterday, but there's much less rumination today.   I think this is partly because I have a few days off of work.  Looking forward to relaxing.


Snookiebookie2

I'm feeling a little empty today.

I visited my brother. Honestly, I don't know why I bother. He hardly spent any time in the room. He was cooking. Or washing up. Or sorting the tumble dryer.  Really wanted to see us!  I wouldn't mind but he made the arrangement.

I felt unwanted. Just like with my mum. I wasn't important. Invisible. Ignored. Not worthy of any attention.

Then I heard from my only friend. Her father is quite ill. She's having a hard time.  It looks like she's not going to be able to go on holiday with her family next week. She's insisted that her husband and daughter to without her.  Her dad is really suffering emotionally - and obviously she's finding that hard.

I really feel her pain.  I've offered to be there for her and be shoulder to cry on.   I feel quite upset for her. 

Jazzy

Sorry to hear your brother was so distracted, and how you felt unwanted. I know that feeling well, its not very nice. Hopefully things clear up for you, your friend, and her dad soon. Its great of you to offer to be there for her. Take care! :)

Snookiebookie2

Thank you for your comments Jazzy :)

Snookiebookie2

#13
**"TRIGGER WARNING ***
This entry mentions CSA

I've only ever mentioned this to one person before.  So this is a brave step.  There was CSA from my brother.

I suppose I ignored it. I rationalize it - it only happened twice. And as soon as I said I wasn't happy, it never happened again. So I forgave him. It was like he couldn't help it. He was just curious.

I think therapy and having my own teenage daughter had brought this memory back. And now I see that it was wrong. I feel so angry.  I feel used.

My dad had violent mood swings leading to deep emotional and mental abuse with lots of domestic violence. Then my mum became emotionally distant and highly critical of me - casting me as the family scapegoat.  She got between me and my daughter and made me feel a failure and a monster.  And now the realisation of what my brother did being so deeply, deeply wrong. It makes me feel like dirt. My whole family were mean to me. I find that hard to deal with.

For many years I looked up to my brother. I adored him because he was so cool. But whilst we've always stayed in touch over  the years, I've slowly realised that he isn't interested in me (see previous post).  I think he only stays in touch out of a sense of duty and because there is no easy way of breaking ties.

Since I've reappraised what he did to me, I've realised it was abuse. It's been hard to maintain our friendship, but for the sake of our families I have.  I will never confront him about it, it reveal it. It will cause so much wreckage, and that's unnecessary.  But the utter disdain or disinterest he shows is insult to injury.

He always seems to disagree with me. As judgemental as my mum used to be.  Always willing to show his anger at what he perceives are my mistakes. Quick to point out where I'm wrong or stupid.

A few years ago I was at loggerheads with my employer at that time.  I was trying to explain to him, as he is quite up on HR issues and employment regulations. I mentioned mental health issues. He got very cross with me, raising his voice and got critical. Telling me to stop playing on my mental health issues. Making me feel awful and stupid whilst he was a guest in my home.

After that incident I wanted to go no contact. My mum convinced me not to do so.

Since my mother's passing, I see a lot less of him. But there have been good times.  Times that remind me of the good times we had as children. 

A lot of the toxic situations have gone, hence the improvement in my mental health.  My brother only occasionally is a trigger now.   What happened yesterday inevitably brings back the had things that he's done to me

I just trying to make sense of all this. Bit overwhelmed now...

Blueberry

I'm sorry Snookiebookie. I find these sorts of family realisations really hard going. I have similar issues with one brother just that in the past it was CPA not CSA.

You are not dirt!

We are here for you. Safe  :hug: if appropriate for you, otherwise ignore.