Snookie's journal

[sanmagic7]

i hear you, snookie, and virtually, i see you, too.  i can also relate to the pain you're feeling, having a third person put distance between you and your daughter.  i've had that experience, myself, and it's horrible.  i'm glad your experience ended on a happier note than mine.  i really am.

the damage these people cause, yeah, it's all about them looking for ways to make themselves look good, but doing so at our expense.  that disconnect is real and it harms our psyche. 

holding out my hand to connect with you, snookie.  i'm glad you're here, sorry you're in such pain.  sending love and a hug filled w/ pain reliever.

[Snookiebookie2]

San,

Thank you for your words. I cannot express how important they are. To be seen and heard, but also to be understood. The love I feel, I return to you to help you heal your wounds too. I'm sorry to hear your story had a less happy ending. I hear and see your pain too  and take the hand you offer and hug you too.

[Snookiebookie2]

Had a conversation with a work colleague today. It brought back all the negative thoughts and feelings that I've been having recently. 

Tried explaining it to hubby.... Again. But as the last few times that I've tried discussing it, he ended up losing his temper with me. I felt he tried shutting me to. He wants to pass his judgement and that is the end of it. Just shut up now.

He doesn't want to listen, or talk about it. He doesn't want to understand my feelings, or try to understand the irrational thoughts. He gets very very annoyed.

I've finally reached the point where I realise that it's causing problems at home. It is making us argue. I've told him, in no uncertain terms, that I am not discussing it anymore.  This initially upset him, and he tried to argue more.

I really do need support right now.  I feel inadequate at work.  I feel that they're going to scrutinize everything that I've done, and decide to do it differently. That will be painful for me.

No one to listen to me.  No one to understand. Feeling very hurt that my husband is more interested in maintaining peace in his world than he is in the pain and turmoil in mine.

I feel very, very angry.  I feel very disconnected - which to my mind is a big source of anxiety and depression. 

I've been forced to pull away from my husband, because he won't listen, and just wants to impose his views.

I did suggest to him that the only way that I'd speak to him about this issue is that we go to couples therapy. He just walked away saying that he'd not talk about anything work related - including his job.

On top of this, I'm excited that a band I like is touring. I don't drive, so will need hubby to drive. Last  twice he did he was so grumpy and ungracious that it ruined the concert. I have offered to pay for his ticket this time. But he announced that he'll go and sit in McDonalds for a few hours. That, to me is, saying "I really don't want to go".  I've told him that I will go by myself and stay overnight. He wasn't happy at that and said he'd drive me and go McDonald's. I've told him it's not for discussion.

He went to sulk for an hour or so. We've not spoken properly all evening.

Bad day at work. Disagreements and arguing all evening. He's now snoring his head off - happy that he's watched football and been bantering on Facebook all night! I'm left with a sleepless night with my automatic negative thoughts and ruminating.

Feeling very fed up with the world.

Glad that I've got a counselling appointment.

***Trigger warning****

Having suicidal ideation again - no plans. Just feelings of wanting to escape this pain

***End trigger warning***

[Snowdrop]

I'm really sorry, Snookie, it sounds so tough for you right now. I hope you were able to get some sleep.

I'm glad you have a counselling appointment. It sounds as though talking to someone would be helpful.

Please stay safe, and I hope you can do whatever brings you some degree of comfort. Please know that I hear you and I care about you.

[sanmagic7]

 

right there with you, snook.  i hear you, see you, feel you.  been there, done that - it's so tough having someone you hope to be able to rely on not understand, put their own take on it, and basically dismiss you and your problem.  dang, i've been thru that too many times.  holding onto you while you go thru this.  i also get the feeling of just wanting a break from it all, some peace.  hang tough, sweetie - we're hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs

[Snookiebookie2]

Snowdrop and San many thanks for your support.  X

My hubby came home from work and gave an unreserved apology for acting like a jerk.  He said he should listen more.  I accepted his apology and thanked him for it.  I didn't feel like discussing my work issues to be honest and didn't want to start an argument.

I've clashed with my new co-worker again.  I feel very fed up. I feel scrutinised.  I'm sure that people are going to decide her way is best and I'll feel sidelined.  Ughh 

Anyway, I'm killing time till my counselling appointment. That should help.

[sanmagic7]

good luck w/ your appt. - i do hope it helps.  hope you're not sidelined.  love and hugs, snook.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thanks San x

My appointment with my counsellor was definitely needed.  I was welling up as I entered the room. She could see that I was visibly upset.  It's the most distressed that I've been with her. I was so relieved to see her though, I felt like hugging her!

I explained all that had gone on. She listened patiently. She's always has been of the opinion that if my home life was stable then it's possible to deal with problems at work.   She was concerned that my home life has been unstable too.  She said that I'm never able to feel safe - that about sums it up!

I explained that I am beginning to feel that the way that I am (with my C-ptsd) means that whatever job I do then I am going to have these deep emotional issues and triggers.  She commented on how self aware I am and agreed with my assessment.

Finally she urged that I take some self care.

I am going to speak to my supervisor about my new colleague and her resistance.  If I am sidelined, then so ve it.  I have to prepare myself for that possibility.   Maybe I shouldn't fear that kind of failure anymore.

I am feeling very tired with life at the moment.

[Snowdrop]

Never feeling safe is really hard. I hope seeing your counsellor brought some relief.

Finally she urged that I take some self care.

^^^ Yes, yes, 100 times this.

I hope you feel better today. Sending you love and hugs.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you Snowdrop X

I've not checked in for a while, due to a combination of being busy and being very overwhelmed.  I'm totally triggered, to the point of feeling panicky. It's no wonder that I am struggling to deal with things. It's no wonder I can't plan and focus, or find "easy" tasks very difficult. I'm in a state of distress. I feel constant threatened and unsafe. In short I'm dysregulated.

It's hard to deal with things when anyone  is dysregulated. But at least I've recognised this. I'm trying to take as much down time as I can - although this can be hard.

There have been some positive though.  My new work colleague has mentioned how one of my systems had proved to work. We also discussed one of the other issues that we'd previously disagreed about. I thought she'd dig her heels in and want her way. She actually came up with a third choice - which met my criteria of but being time consuming. So I agreed to her idea. And finally, something she'd moaned about, she said she didn't mind doing it. Fingers crossed this means things will get better.

I have also noticed that I'm feeling depressed. I don't usually suffer from this. My biggest issue is anxiety (which exhibits itself as social and generalized anxiety). 

I'm feeling very low mood, mainly low self esteem.  I feel fat. Ugly. Stupid. Useless. Unlikeable.

I can challenge most of the above with evidence. But the one thing I struggle with challenging is the feeling of being unlikeable.

I don't have many friends - and those few I have make me feel that they are only interested in what I can do for them.

My best friend visited this week visited and asked "so, how are you". Great, I thought. I started to explain how my back pain had gotten to a difficult level to handle. Only to find that she took over the conversation and tell me about how her ankle and knee injury were playing up.   I tried again to explain that I was to have an MRI scan etc.... She changed the subject.

My hubby does really pay attention. He clearly doesn't have the mental or emotional capacity to deal with my issues/problems.  He's more interested in posting childish memes of Facebook!  He's just a 6 year old at heart, or just 15 year old adolescent. 

No one else seems to want to connect with me. So I feel unlikeable. This has brought back some flashbacks. I remembered how my mum didn't even want to spend time with me. If I didn't go to her, she wouldn't seek me out.  She would walk over broken glass for my daughter, but wouldn't be interested if I was upset.

My mum rarely thought about my mental well-being. I'm constantly trying to make sure my daughter is well adjusted. If she's having problems, we talk then through. We try to understand people's motivation. I always explain what human nature is like. I point out when someone is behaving badly, and that says more about them, not about my daughter.  My mum never really even listened to me, much less understood me. And there was no way she'd ever make me feel better.

How can I feel good about myself? My own mum didn't even bother?

I know that self esteem should come from mySELF, but when you doubt yourself, you need evidence to the contrary. So at times like this, I do need others to help me feel okay.

[Snookiebookie2]

Following on from my last post, I thought I'd share a couple of my flashbacks.  These are examples of people seemingly not liking me.

flashback 1

I was working in a office of about 70 people, in a team of 8 staff which included a clique of 3 women/girls.  It was tradition that they would have a collection of it was someone's landmark birthday.  One of the girls from the clique was due to turn 18 at the beginning of December and I was to turn 21 at the end of December.

At the time I wasn't the most stylish person. My hair was a little long and straggly as I was trying to grow it. My fashion sense was more based on what I could afford rather than what was fashionable. I didn't tend to bother with make up. My mum was always chiding me for being like this.

It was clear I wasn't part of the clique, and that they didn't like me.  I can only assume that it was because of how I looked and because my social anxiety made me stand offish.

The girl from the clique turned 18 and was presented with a beautiful necklace and bracelet set in front of the whole office. From memory it cost about £30 (going back about 25+years).

My birthday came and went. About a week into January we were all asked to assemble. It turned out to be the presentation for my birthday. It must have been at least 10 days after my birthday.  I was given a small box with the smallest, thinnest gold chain you can imagine.  I did actually wear it. When it broke I bought the same chain for £8.

Now I know I shouldn't be hung up on the cost of a gift. A gift is a gift. But I felt it said something about me. Either of the following scenarios had happened:

1. Not many of my colleagues liked me and didn't want to contribute
2. The clique who would have organised my collection couldn't be bothered or purposely didn't bother
3. They took money from my collection to buy the other girl a better gift

None of those are very palatable. They all made (and still continue to make me) feel horrible to my core.

I remember telling my mum about this. And rather than make me feel better or listen to me, she said it was due to me not fitting in.  If I looked more like them, they'd be more accepting.

My boyfriend at the time didn't listen either.

It is still a painful memory, even now. That feeling of being unlikeable.

flashback 2

A few years after the above incident, I was team leader of about 8 people. We were to go out with people who worked for one of our clients.  It was a quite informal event. Myself and 5 or 6 women/girls arranged to meet the clients.

At the venue I chatted to people, but felt they weren't really interested in me.  I felt a little upset that most people seemed to make a beeline for three of the girls.

One of the guys I was talking to was a little condescending. I felt he would rather talk to the three girls. He made a big deal of saying that I looked like Steffi Graf, but he definitely was saying it in a poking fun kind of way. This isn't the first time this has been said to me. And being honest, it's true, I have a resemblance. But I hate the comparison because it's due to my nose. Steffi and I had a prominent nose. I've always had fun made of my nose!

The next day I spoke to my mum about how I felt. I mentioned the Steffi Graf comment. Rather than console me, my mum said "well if it bothers you, save up for a nose job".  I felt very hurt. Very very hurt.

I was chatting to another colleague a few weeks after. We were talking about my relationship status. I mentioned about the fact that everyone was interested in the other three girls on that night out. To which my colleague said that the other girls were "Real crackers". The inference was I wasn't a real cracker - I wasn't as good looking as them.

Now it's only my opinion, I honestly didn't see how two of the girls were any better looking than me.

I could have accepted that, well they're younger. Or even they're more outgoing than me. I could have even accepted that they're trendier. 

Again, a very painful flashback. Another time I needed my confidence boosting - and no-one was there. In fact, I was made to feel worse.

Flashback 3

There was a guy at work who I fancied. He was good looking and a pretty cool guy too.

One day in a fit of bravery, I left my name and phone number with a kiss on a note on his desk.

On a night out I got talking to him. I said I thought he was cool and I'd like to get to know him, either as a friend or more.  I said we could go for coffee. I explained that when you get to know me I open up and I'm different to how I'm at work.  He agreed that he could see that. He'd kept my number and call me. I felt optimistic, he'd had my number for over a week and he kept it!

He called me the day after. Told me he didn't need anymore friends.  I was crushed.

I could have accepted that he didn't fancy me.  I could have accepted that he wasn't looking for a relationship. But what he was saying was "I don't want you expecting a friendship will develop into anything". He was also saying "I don't even want to give you a chance, at all, ever".

It would have been kinder to come out with some other answer. It made me feel at fault. Also at the time I couldn't understand what it meant.

I called my mum, to seek some clarity. She just got annoyed with me. I'd told this guy to keep my number and call me if he changed his mind. I know this sounds desperate, but I was! My mum was annoyed I'd shown weakness. She ignored the emotion and the crying. At no point did she explain that he just wasn't into me. She should have tried consoling me. When something similar happened with my daughter I explained that we can't help of we're attracted to someone. When the boy my daughter was attracted to wasn't attracted to her, I explained that sadly this happens sometimes. I explained it wasn't down to anything about my daughter. She shouldn't take away any judgement from it. It's all about finding that person who feels the same about you, and that can take time.

My mum didn't console me, she made me feel worse.

I spoke to my brother a few months after. He didn't say anything, other than "bizarre". No help. No support. Just a feeling of not being cared about.

fourth and final flashback

I'd been seeing a guy for about eight months. It was a bit on and off. He clearly was using me. I only saw him when he wanted - usually when he wanted physical contact.

Again, my mum was mean. I think if my daughter was going through the same I'd probably make the same points that my mum said, but in much nicer and calmer tones. She was very harsh to me.

One morning I was woken as there was a phone call. I went downstairs to take the call, with my mum listening.

It was this guy. He was ending things. In my drowsy, but surprised state, all I could think about was "why". Why was this happening, and why now. What had happened?

After the phone call my mum told me off. Apparently I'd shown weakness. What I should have done was show that I wasn't really bother and said "oh, okay, that's fine".  But because I asked him two or three times "why", I'd shown him that I was bothered.

But I was bothered. I wanted him to like me. He'd treated me like rubbish throughout the relationship. And now he was saying he didn't en like me enough to treat me badly! I was worthless. But if there was another reason (such as another woman), or I wasn't at fault then I wouldn't feel as bad. That was why I needed to know why.

Again, at a time of hurt, I had no understanding, no support. But worse I was being criticized by those who should be helping me.

All very, very painful memories. Hopefully they'll have less of a hold over me now that I've written them here.  They do pop back into my head frequently - together with raw emotions.

[saylor]

Snookie, I feel for you. The events you described would have been hard on me, too. And the repeated, abject lack of support and compassion from your M is the icing on the cake—so sad. I can relate. My M was never really on my side, and almost seemed to delight in my failures/shortcomings. If I succeeded, she'd insinuate that it was "her doing", but if I failed, it was all on me (and she made sure to rub my nose in it)

I've been involuntarily ruminating a lot recently over past hurts. It's maddening how tough it is for me to leave bad memories in the past—my mind seems to cling to them tenaciously. Sometimes, I wish I could undergo an operation of some sort to physically eradicate them...

Sending you a hug of care and understanding

[Snowdrop]

I don't feel I have many words at the moment, but I wanted you to know that I read your posts. I don't fit in with the cliques either, so similar things have happened to me. I can relate to what you're saying, and these things hurt.

I also want you to know that I think you're being "you" when you post here, probably far more than you are at work. I've read your posts, and I don't think you're unlikeable. I like you.

Sending love and hugs.

[Snookiebookie2]

Saylor and Snowdrop

Thank you. I can't express how important your words are to me.

the repeated, abject lack of support and compassion from your M

⁰

It's so important that someone has recognized this. 

I like you

And I like you too Snowdrop. Thank you for your warmth.

Thank you to both for taking the time to read such a lengthy and personal post. And then taking time to make some very important and lovely comments.

[sanmagic7]

hey, snookie,

i echo the above sentiments from saylor and snowdrop.  by the by, i'm a tennis fan, and i love steffi and her nose!  i don't think she'd be the same without it.  just like jennifer gray from 'dirty dancing' (when she got a nose job, it took away some of her personality, i think), and streisand (once, on stage, she asked the audience of thousands if she should get her nose done, and they yelled a resounding 'no'!).  what i'm saying is that this surface body parts thing is so subjective.  there is no way anyone should be made fun of, mocked, or humiliated because of how they look.  i'm sorry you've had to endure that.

plus, the lack of support and comfort from your M just angers me to my core .  one thing i think you can be very proud of, tho, snookie, is that you are breaking that cycle with your own kid, and i think that counts for a lot.  is there a chance you can avoid talking to your M about things that have upset you?  that way you won't get such neg. feedback that it seems she's all too eager to tell you.  maybe you can eliminate some of those hurtful messages that way.

i've been eliminating friends over the past 2 years as well - similar situation.  if i didn't put forth the effort, i really didn't hear from them.  i'm much lonelier now than i've ever been, but when i remember what it was like to live with those people in my life, i know i'm better off without them.  the people here, you included, have been kinder and more supportive than any friends i've had in real life.

i was really glad to hear that you got some pos. feedback at work. just keep being you, snookie - i like you, too.  love and hugs