Snookie's journal

[Snookiebookie2]

Thanks Blueberry.

Thanks for the affirmation that I'm not dirt. It helps when someone validates me.

And I really do value the feeling of safety here. 

[Snookiebookie2]

It's been a gruelling day.

Back to work after a few days off.   I had four or five urgent emails, several other bits of work and a last minute meeting!

I actually lost sleep thinking about work. Literally had three hours sleep.  I can't believe just how triggered and deregulated I was.  I found it hard to settle. The positive I'm taking away, is that at least I got some sleep.  I ended up trying to lay quietly and focus on my breathing. It did the trick.

I was extremely focussed at work and whizzed through loads. As I've said before I'm putting in extra hours to push through all this new and complex work.  I feel proud at what I managed to do today.

So tonight is feet up and relax watching TV in bed.  And hopefully a reasonable nights sleep.

[Three Roses]

 Here's to feet up and relaxing! 

[Hope67]

Hi Snookie,
I hope you had a relaxing evening and that you slept a bit better last night? 
Hope things go ok today.
Hope 

[Snookiebookie2]

Thanks Hope.

I had a great night's sleep, thank you. And my day went well.

Thanks for your comment and interest.

[Snookiebookie2]

Feeling triggered again.

I'm not having much down time. Not much "safe" space time.    It's been quite hard going lately. I'm feeling unhappy and disconnected.

I'm trying to think of actinY I can take to improve things.

Work is a big trigger. I only work part time and I fret and worry what's happening when I'm not there. I also convince myself that I've done things wrong, and lose sleep.

One time, I was worrying over a weekend, and losing sleep. So I logged on to my works email account. This allowed me to check things out and put my mind at rest that everything was okay.

Over the last few months I've been logging on from home frequently. I've been doing this to put my mind at rest and see that things are controllable. Usually it's okay and puts my mind at rest. But I'm not truly switching off.

A few times though I've actually seen emails where someone had suggested that there is a problem. This then causes me to worry even more than normal. Ironically,when I arrive at work the next day, I can see that has been caused by someone else and that I've done everything perfectly.  But by then I've lost sleep and triggered myself really badly.

So the first positive action that I've taken is that I've deleted my link to work emails.  It's not in my job description to check them.   I'm going to try to have work free evening and weekends.

The next positive step is that I've put in extra hours at work to take on some extra technical work.  This is mainly a temporary thing, to get on top of the additional work.  I'm doing a few more early starts this week. After that, I will only do early starts occasionally to do a particularly difficult technical item of work. This is because mornings are quiet and it's ideal to have that peace to focus.

I've had difficulties with my husband. He's very highly strung and stubborn. He has his own mental health issues, such as OCD style traits. 

We've had a difficult few weeks in which we've had problems with a second hand car.  We eventually swapped it for another vehicle, but not until we'd bickered and argued a lot.  I'm very jaded by it.  Thankfully the situation has been sorted. I did point out to my husband that he was making problems between us.  He was stubborn, changing his mind at will, argumentative, impatient and bad tempered.   

My family also think they can use me to suit their purpose, without talking to me properly.  So if they want a cup of coffee, they'll just demand it, it hint at me.  I have told them that they should ask me politely. They can have some respect.  I am going to try and only do things when they ask me politely and considerately.

Finally, I'm lonely.  But I crave attention, approval and friendship.  I often find myself fawning over people. Or making myself uncomfortable to trying and fit in.  Yet I just feel disconnected and disjointed. I've noticed recently how much everyone around me seen to be sparring with each other. They're constantly point scoring or jostling for position.  They seem insincere.  So now that I've noticed this, I'm not bothered if I fit in with them.  I'm going try and be me, and do my own thing. Actually, I don't really like them

[Snookiebookie2]

 

I'm shattered! It's not quite 6pm and I'm in bed.   I slept better than expected last night, but it wasn't a restful sleep.

Work is a bind. I'm just about keeping on top of everything, but only just, with lots of effort. I'm feeling frustration. But I've made some good progress in other ways.

I'm snuggled in bed with my cat. I have a coffee and I'm watching TV and I'm looking forward to my favourite program. 

[Three Roses]

Snuggling in a cozy bed with a beloved furry friend and watching an enjoyable show sounds like heaven. Hope you get some rest and recuperation.

[Snookiebookie2]

I'm really struggling with my temper.  I'm reacting far too quickly and out of proportion. I haven't been reacting like this for quite some time.

I was out walking with  husband and daughter at the weekend. My husband was talking to me, so I wasn't looking where I was going.  I bumped into a lamp post but was unhurt. However my daughter began to make fun of me.

In the past all of my family would bring up embarrassing situations, over and over again. My mum in particularly was bad for this.  She'd even make fun of me for things from when I was as young as eight.  It wasn't the ridicule that got to me, but the inference that I'd done something really stupid. This has left  me feeling very very sensitive to this kind of thing.

So when my daughter started to make fun of me, I was really triggered. So I reacted. I snapped at her that I'd been distracted and that I'd not done anything wrong.  My daughter replied flippantly that "it wasn't that deep". I shouted at her, and my husband. 

Unfortunately, both my husband and daughter didn't understand why I felt hurt and humiliated, so they weren't very sympathetic.

Whilst I think they should try and understand, I can accept that I was a little too quick and out of proportion. So now I feel ashamed of my reaction. I did apologize to them both and tried to explain why I'd reached like that.

I've had other instances where I've been a little quick with my temper, or a little overbearing. But I don't want to be that person.

I had been doing well in maintaining my boundaries in a measured and calm manner. We'd done well as a family in reducing conflicts. 

I think there are several factors at play. Firstly, I think my hormones are out of sync as I've had my coil/IUD removed. I'm probably peri-menopausal too.  My skin had erupted with cystic acne too.

I've found my husband even more difficult than usual. I discussed this with my therapist this week.  My husband has OCD type traits and his mannerisms have really tested my patience.  He will put high priority on minor things, and ignore major things life my opinion, my thoughts, my needs. He'll fall over himself to help others, but be difficult and argumentative if I ask for anything, despite me being calm and explaining things to him.

I'm also a bit jaded with work (talked to much about this in previous posts here).  I've put in lots of extra hours recently, so I'm tired.

I think I could cope with all this if I was getting some success or satisfaction in life - little victories.  The absence of nice things can make a rough patch feel worse.

It's no wonder my patience had worn thin and I've reverted to old habits

[Three Roses]

I found myself nodding in empathetic agreement while reading this post, snookie. I'm very irritable today. Feels good to not be alone. Thanks for the post.   

[Snookiebookie2]

Hi Three Roses

Thanks for your comments.  It's nice to feel understood.  I feel less isolated.  X

[Perplex]

Hey Snookie,
I really empathise and feel that struggle. I would probably feel quite snappy in your position as well. If your husband/child doesn't understand, at least entrust that we do. ^^ You're not alone.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you Perplex. I appreciate your comments and support x

[Snookiebookie2]

 

Toughest day for a while!

Another error spotted at work.  Could not undo it but its okay and isn't too much of an issue. But it's  upset me.  So demoralising.

But it happened because  I was under pressure and too busy.    This is the third or four problem in the last 3 months.

But despite these errors I have been proactive and dealt with some really difficult matters at work. But I can't feel good because of the errors.

I have forgotten things at home.  I even posted a letter and I don't think I put a stamp on it. It was some quite important documents too!  I'm hoping it'll be okay.

I always pride myself on being organised and good at remembering things. I feel like I've lost a sense of myself now.  And my shame and perfectionism is in overdrive.   

And I've had to speak to hubby.   He interrupted me and talked over me loudly when I was talking to my friend.   Even when I pointed out that he'd done it, he just carried on talking.

When my friend left I calmly explained that I was upset.  I said that he ignores me, snaps, gets impatient and talks over me all the time and its getting me down.  I explained that I wasn't trying to make him feel bad, but it was really getting  to me.

Eventually hubby hugged me and said sorry.   But he's upstairs sulking - which is irritating.   

And it's  just been a frustrating day, and I seem to have dealt with soooo many irritating and frustrating people.

I worried that I wont sleep tonight

[Three Roses]

I've no words of wisdom for you but I just wanted to let you know that someone listened. I'm sorry you feel frustrated and worried.  if you want one.