Snookie's journal

[Snookiebookie2]

Thanks all

I'm installing the tapping app.

And I do appreciate that I'm overreacting.  5 mistakes arent that bad compared to the work I've dealt with correctly, and under pressure (even before the current crisis).

I've been struggling since October.   Its been one thing after another:

1. Taking on difficult claims - in a backlog,  with very little training & support
2. Dealing with a backlog after being on 2 weeks annual leave
3. An increase in work
4. People not doing what they should - making my job difficult
5. Problems with IT during a switch of computer systems
6. New computer system set up the way someone else wanted - causing me more work
7. Time spent to fix the above
8. Problems with how computer dealt with part of claims - time spent fixing this
9. Having to work round things new computer can't do - takes longer and is faffier
10. New members joining from other Chambers
11. Not able to process work from above for weeks - because of politics.  Tine spent in meetings to fix this
12. New colleague - not gelling and she is pointing out problems all the time
13. Different processes from new colleague - causing me to take on investigations.  Also our systems out of step due to lack of knowledge and training
14. Finding another colleague is dealing with some bills - and having to investigate what he's done and how it should be done
15. Doing a report for management as to interim payment
16. Drafting email regarding how we process travel claims
17. No support or meeting with head supervisor
18. Had meeting with direct supervisor, but no possibility of further meeting/conversation due to current situation
19. Doing my day to day job - in 4 hours per day

Phew.....no wonder I'm triggered!

[Snowdrop]

That's a huge amount, Snookie. As you say, no wonder.

[marta1234]

Hi Snookie, I wanted to come by and just say that I look up to your progress that you have made. I've been reading your journal, and it's a lot what you have gone through. Just wanted to say that I hear you and I've read it.
But that is a lot of stress, no wonder it's too much. Hope you can find comfort and relax a bit, though.
Sending comfort your way

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you to all who responded x I appreciate your love and support.

Marta, special thanks to you. Your comments moved me to tears. Your words meant a lot to me.

[Blueberry]

Oh man, Snookie! No wonder it's extremely difficult at work and you're triggered as well 

[Snookiebookie2]

Thanks blueberry 

[Snookiebookie2]

I've made another error.....

I wasn't aware of a fact. Probably should, but it makes a £30 difference to a claim. I can fix it but....

I am feeling useless.....again

Feeling disregulated.

I have been extremely triggered at work for at least six months, without respite (see all my previous entries!).   Things have just gotten more and more taxing and difficult. And given the lockdown I'm working from home, is not going to get easier - and there's nothing I can do.

I'd been putting extra effort in and being flexible with  hours. But today I've decided - no! I'm sticking to my hours!

Each month we have an employee of the month. This morning one of my colleagues was nominated - with several reasons, one of which was that he assisted on a project I did (the one where he slightly re worded one of my emails). Bit annoyed with that.

No matter what effort I make I don't get recognised.

I feel I'm giving too much of myself to my job. It needs to stop.

How can I stop feeling inadequate when these errors come up?

I've listed all the mistakes that I've made in the last 12 months. I think there's 16 that I've got wrong/ misunderstood/not realised. That's one every three weeks.

I thought about journaling again. I used to do it as lists - as is far less triggering.  I used to list positives and things I did well.  Any other ideas as to what else I could do.

And comments regarding my phobia re mistakes would be appreciated x Being so disregulated for sooooooo long isn't helping.

Also, looks like I've had a low grade chest infection (possibly very mild pneumonia) for a couple of months causing me intense rib pain on one side - which reached excruciating levels this week. Was prescribed antibiotics yesterday and the pain had resolved by 90%.

[sanmagic7]

glad you're feeling better.   you know, when you're system is battling an illness, it can make your thinking less sharp. that may have something to do with not only your mistakes but your feeling of disregulation.   maybe you haven't been sick this whole time, but i think not feeling 100% can knock us off track even more.

i hope you can be gentle with yourself as far as your mistakes go, snook.  it makes you human, not worthless or useless.  dang, i couldn't make a list of all my mistakes - way too many!  i value you.  love and hugs

[Snookiebookie2]

Mixed couple of days

I found an email from one of the people that I work for, he's quite senior.  He had been holding management meetings and had noticed lots of positive results that my team have had - he took time out to say thank you.

Much more than that - he actually said that "taking you on to do the billing is one of the best things we have done in recent years". Wow!  Gov smacked.

But today I came across another couple of minor errors - one was the computer's fault as for some reason it hasn't applied the correct rate - and I would know to check for this!

Then one error I came across last week turned out to have been compounded by someone giving me totally incorrect info.  If they'd told me the correct info I would not have made my mistake. But upon checking that out, I realise that I had misread something, and got something else wrong!  It's a small difference, but it's not perfect.

Then I've come across mistakes others have made - my head boss had input two cases incorrectly, and if I hadn't spotted this, it would have an impact on the fees. And then someone else input  incorrect info as to the type of work - again it would make a big difference to fees. On top of which it is extra work for me to sort out what has happened.

But then I have seemingly sorted out the worse case we had - which was down to my actions.  And I think I may have sorted one the oldest fees we have.

So, my head is pre-occupied with errors. It's just spinning.  And I've tried to think why this happens.

I think the following explain it:

1. It makes me angry and frustrated with myself - how could I be so stupid or careless
2. It says I am bad/useless/negligent - which confirms everything my parents and other toxic people have said about me
3. I feel unsafe/threatened (this is the biggest one).  I am putting myself at risk of harm - I could be criticised/told off/disapproved.  This feels very scary because it's happened so much during my life and I can't take the thought of it occurring again.  I been disapproved of so much - with little in the way of positive experiences to offset this horrible feeling.  It also potentially could end with me being sacked (although this frightens me much less than disapproval/humiliation).

I'm working on trying to reconcile the positives I've achieved against the errors (albeit some are minor).  I think I'm suffering with black and white thinking, or is it all-or-nothing thinking?  I also discount the pressure that I've been under (see previous posts).

Need to find some peace in being imperfect - as this is one of my biggest triggers.

[Three Roses]

Your parents and other toxic people who've told you that you are bad/useless/negligent had gerbils between their ears where their brains should have been.

You're consistently supportive and informative here in our forum. You're a priceless addition to our collective voice.

This other customer or client who has emailed you saying "taking you on to do the billing is one of the best things we have done in recent years" seems closer to the truth! Especially when he's a senior - he's been around long enough to see and recognize quality.

[Snookiebookie2]

Three Roses,

Thamk you for your wonderful words. I'm blown away.

But another day, and another mistake...kind of...

The people who send us the work can register it for high codts - this means that we can bill at higher rates. Only they have the right to register it.

I noticed  a case where they should be registering it. But they told me the total fees were to short at that time.  So I billed fees at the lower rate.

There were subsequent items to bill, which would mean it qualified for the higher rates  Now this only came to my attention after the fact.  There was no reason for me to see the case in between bills.

When I saw the case after the subsequent hearings I contacted them and asked again if they registered it for high costs.

At first they said that there were insufficient days.  Which I pointed out was incorrect.   Then they said the Court hadn't ordered that many days.  Again I pointed out that was incorrect.  They finally saw that it should be registered for High costs, but were refused because it was too late!

The people whose bill it is are likely to question me why it's not high costs, and that they're effectively out of pocket.

Whilst it's not my responsibility to check it's registered as High costs, I should really be protecting our fees by checking.  I had checked once but it fell short at that time. 

What I have failed to do, is follow it up. In an ideal world I should have done. 

The people who send us the work are the ones who have really messed up.  But I have failed to prevent that.  It's clear something has fallen  between the cracks with those who send us the work as it took several enails and about 2 months to admit I was right and that they got it wrong.

Given the above, we could make an issue with them (although unlikely as they still send in work). It'd be a Management decision as to whether we'd complain,  so I needed to email my head boss. And in the email I said that I thought I'd probably not done enough - I am not sure what I hoped it would achieve, but I was being honest.  And also when it is billed at lower rates, the people whose fees they are may complain,  so my boss needs to aware.

......unsurprisingly,  he has not responded.  Another unanswered email. I accept he's busy and stressed....but its not right.  He should answer me at some time,  but he won't.

I tried discussing this with hubby.  He said it's not my fault and picked his phone up to check his emails 

On top of all this, one of the senior members asked me for all kinds of data last week,  so that they might plan financially given the crisis.  He asked for updated info yesterday  ...which takes a big chunk of time to prepare.   So that made me feel even more bogged down.

At beginning of his email, he asked how I was and how I was coping at home.  I replied by saying that I found it intense and preferred being in work.  I also said that it had made a difficult job even harder.

He replief to thank me for the detailed information.  He also said he was sorry to hear it was intense, and that most of us were finding that. He asked permission to  mention it to my lower boss. I agreed. My lower boss is also one of the mental health first aiders.

I have felt deeply unhappy at work for a while.   I've been trying to communicate my problems for a while now (see previous posts).  I was due to have a couple of meetings to resolve some of the problems just as lockdown happened - so everything was put on hold.

I feel very overwhelmed. I feel very exhausted: emotionally, physicallyand mentally (tine off only means coming back to a backlog).  I feel the flight emotion in me - I just want to run away from it. But I can't afford to. There's no alternative jobs due to the lockdown.

I feel great shame over the errors that have happened.   I try to remind myself that there have been reasons, not excuses.

I feel isolated.  Despite my severe social anxiety, I hate working from home.  There's no separation. It feels like I'm living at work.

I feel like just letting it all out with my lower boss. Just ranting.  But I'm certain that nothing will happen.   They are so busy with issues the lockdown are causing.   And I've spoken a few times to her, and nothing has changed.

I feel so unsupported.  Unlisted to.  I must be unassertive - as the problem isn't going away.

And I feel useless.   My 4 year old inner child is very upset.   I'm trying to comfort her. 

I need to get out of thete. But whatever job I do, it'll be complex to keep the same kind of salary.   And I'll always be me, so I'll act and react the same way.  I've been in similar situations before and I know it'll be the same elsewhere.   Ijust wish I wasn't me - someone with CPTSD.

I've been thinking about what kind of job that I could tolerate with my CPTSD.

[sanmagic7]

hey, snook,

reading your post, it struck me that you are being very hard on yourself. it sounds to me like you are really doing a very good job on the whole - you've been the one finding and changing mistakes to make them right. you have every reason to be proud of yourself for doing so.  that kind of thing takes a lot of determination, perseverance, and intelligence, and you're proving that you have all three. i agree w/ 3r and the gerbil theory. you are so much more than what you've been told.

plus, the idea of reasons, not excuses, is huge.  to be able to see and know that shows that you are also possessed of integrity. these are not small characteristics in any person. maybe you make mistakes, as we all do, but you're also seeing and fixing mistakes that others have made.  and, as you've said, they have a difficult time being accountable for their own errors, while personally, i think you take on responsibility for errors that aren't your responsibility. 

hopefully, as you continue in your healing, finding your true self amidst all the gerbil talk, you'll be able to see yourself like we see you.  you are very precious and valuable, not only here but where you work as well.  they're lucky to have you, as are we.  love and hugs

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you San x 

[Snookiebookie2]

Feeling a little dissociated today.  Think it's because it's like being in groundhog  day.  And Easter messing about with my days.

I am also wound up about work.  I think I've been having bad dreams about work. I've woken up a few times in a confused state - I'm convinced I'm not doing any work and can't figure out how I still have a wage coming in. Or that I've completely forgotten to logon for work for weeks.  Pure anxiety dreams, with imposter syndrome thrown in.

Despite feeling a bit confused and disconnected, I also am feeling apathetic.   I'd love to curl up under my duvet and not come out. ***TW*** I'm also having having suicidal ideation again. No plans or active intent. If I could flick a switch and turn off 'life' then I would. But actually its not life I want to turn off, but its the emotional pain that I  feel so much.  I wish I could get rid of that.  My daughter is the reason that I keep plodding ***TW ends***

My direct supervisor finally checked in on me today (one of the senior guys said he'd ask her).  I replied with what felt like a shopping list of minor grumbles. I felt like a whinger.   I felt so deeply about everything I said, but once it was in writing  and sent, then I minimized it all in my head.

I haven't had a reply yet...and worry that:

1. They'll not reply
2. I'll get some bland and insincere platitudes back
3. They downplay it and/or they will say we're all feeling stressed
4. They'll not know how to respond

I just can't help feeling different to everyone else - adds to the confused feelings I mentioned earlier.  I also think it's why I feel I want to hide under the duvet etc....

[Snookiebookie2]

Feeling very 'done' with the world today 

Treated myself to lots of nice food and a bottle of cider - a bit of comfort eating.  Will probably take something to help me sleep tonight.

I'm really fed up with feeling so much, and so much negative.  Just need to shut that feeling off for a bit. It feels never ending and it's dissociating me even more...