Snookie's journal

[sanmagic7]

 

[Snookiebookie2]

Thanks for the hugs San, they're very welcome X

[Snookiebookie2]

Feeling things aren't perfect. Perfectionism is very high at the moment. 

I need to focus on 'enough' being good enough.  The best that I can do, is all so can do.

The root cause of all of this is fear of criticism. That will mean that I am no good. I am what my parents said I was. That I may not be liked, approved of, held in any esteem. Or worse, I may be sacked or abandoned. All because I'm bad....I made a mistake..... Or many mistakes.

These are all irrational automatic negative thoughts though. But even knowing this and understanding how my anxiety works doesn't help shake the hold it has over me. And so I continue to be gripped by fear. Cold, dark, cloying, draining fear in the centre of my very being. It's sucking any joy, happiness, peace, contentment and harmony right out of me.

This cycle has to stop! I need to overcome this fear of * something up!!!!!

[Snookiebookie2]

Feeling blue. On a downward spiral.

Been a very chilled day, and it's a Bank Holiday weekend, so a three day weekend. But the thought of repeatedly experiencing the feelings that work generates in me fills me with dread.  I don't know how long I can endure this and hold on for.

My inner critic is strangling me.   I'm constantly on edge. My self esteem is non existent.  Just very fed up now

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear you're feeling so down today. I hope things get better soon! Hang in there, I have confidence you're stronger than your ICr, even though sometimes it may not feel like it!

[sanmagic7]

i agree with jazzy, and may i add a POO! on your ICr.  i was given a blanket the other day (virtually) by a member here about a problem i was having, and i want to give one to you, too, that says LEAVE SNOOKIE ALONE!!!  it's soft, calming, and cuddly for you, but has a spine made of steel against any nasty ICr messages that aren't true.  love and hugs 

[Snookiebookie2]

Jazzy and San thank you for your words of support. They really helped x   

And San thank you so much for the virtual blanket, I love it! And will treasure it! I love the slogan.

I am feeling much better. I'm trying to be aware of my ICr, because then I have a chance of separating the lies that it tells me. If I can see the lies, then  I may be able to stop them harming me.

I am thinking that this cycle ends with defeating, or minimizing my inner critic.   It'll preserve my self esteem, neutralise my perfectionism, minimize shame, self loathing and emotional pain.

Any tips on dealing with my inner critic would be appreciated x

[Three Roses]

I'm finding a ton of improvement in dealing with my ICr by using the IFS approach, recognizing that the ICr was something that developed within me as a protective measure. Our inner critics, according to IFS, are "parts who run a system in ways that aim to minimize the activation (distress) of its exiles." (p 282 "Internal Family Systems Therapy). Approaching my ICr with an attitude of non-judging, honest curiosity and asking it to just take a backseat is more helpful and successful than anything else I've tried so far.

According to IFS, we all have parts within us. These parts develop within our psyches to guard us from exposure to pain and danger, real or imagined. Some of these parts are protectors, taking the role of either manager or firefighter. Managers are motivated by fear and use their role to inhibit the Self from exposing themselves to further abuse or danger.

I'm truly excited about this book and its approach as an avenue to real, lasting healing.

[Snookiebookie2]

Jazzy many thanks for your comments. I keep hearing about IFS - I will investigate this.

****

It's been quite a week. I've had lots of very technical and contentious claims to deal with. At one point someone suggested I missed £7K of work! But I didn't panic - I dealt with the situation, and it turned out that the other person had their facts wrong. I did think for about 30 minutes that I would be sacked though! Phew

I can't believe how involved things have been at work. I need to relax - my muscles are killing me (really bad muscle armouring).

A colleague made me feel bad for 'fretting'. Like I'm overacting. I've worked this through in my daily journal. She doesn't understand what I feel and why. She doesn't have my responsibilities. She refers her problems to me to sort. I don't have any such help or support. My work is harder and larger value. I think she missed the jokey tone of my email - and I may have misconstrued hers. So I feel better.

And finally. I realise I'm over working/putting too much effort in at work. I'm placing to much importance in it. But I think that's because I've always been a disappointment (to my mum and dad). And I'm trying to stave that off at work because It would be painful to experience again. But like perfectionism, it's never ending.  I will never feel safe. I will never ever feel approved of... Unless I approve of my own efforts. The best I can manage is...I don't do bad and I am persistent until we get stuff sorted

[Snookiebookie2]

Not feeling great today. At first put this down to very early Monday morning blues.  I usually don't get the until tea time on a Sunday.

But I am wondering if I am having an EF (or several EFs).

I am feeling and having thoughts about being useless.   I am feeling emotions welling up, that I have felt over and over again.

My mind is throwing up memories of mistakes that I've made from over the years.  My ICr smuggly trying to prove how much of an idiot I am.

I'm trying to counter or moderate what my ICr is saying. Trying to see it froma different perspective.

What isn't helping is my inner child is crying. She is realizing that she never had a proper father figure or mother figure. She does have the skills and confidence to make and keep friends.  She's craving someone coming along and comforting her ..but knows it won't happen.   

I'm going to sit with my Inner Child and offer whatever comfort I can offer.  I was given a virtual blanket recently,  so I can use that for us.

[Snowdrop]

I think sitting with and comforting the child is a kind and compassionate thing to do. She deserves that kindness.

[Not Alone]

May I add my care to your inner child?

Snookie, you are allowed to be human, allowed to make mistakes.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you Snowdrop and Notalone

******************

Bad day at work again.....

I have a potential problem (not of my doing) which I referred to my head boss for approval before I deal with it. Only for him to tell me he's too busy to deal with it right now. He has been on leave and is playing catch up.

I understand what he is saying but every time I ask him for assistance (which isn't often) he fobs me off! So angry.

I'm not sleeping because I'm thinking of work. Husband is no support or help.

I've emailed  both my bosses over the last there months. I've mentioned the difficulties I've had and my anxiety.....no reply.  I'm so upset

I have a therapist appointment tomorrow   it's the first time I'll have some privacy to have a video appointment. I so need it!

[Snookiebookie2]

Had an appointment with my T yesterday and felt better.  Both agreed I need to speak to someone from work.

I decided to email my direct supervisor this morning. She arranged for us to have a video meeting this morning.  She said she'd had grumbles from people about our head boss before, and from people who are no longer with us. She said she not to think it's me, which is reassuring.

I'm doing my best on a technical job, with no supervision or training.  I've flagged up issues to be ignored.

Just this morning one of the senior members is trying to bend the rules to bill more than normal.  I have no issue with that, but it's now clear that he's wanting to bill for more than that, and I didn't realise. I can try adding it in now, but we may get knocked back.  I just feel everyone is digging at me. 

I got an email from my head boss and responded with two queries, to receive a sharp response. I think that this isn't an healthy working relationship.

My direct supervisor is speaking to the senior member about my head boss.  I just feel eveyone is going to be unhappy at me and can't see a way forward.

I explained that I wasn't happy or enjoying the work and wished I could leave (but obviously cant because I need the money and new jobs will be hard to come by).

Feeling very trapped and unhappy.   Worried it's all going to be my fault (cue flashbacks to previous jobs).

[Snookiebookie2]

...if nothing changes, I think I may need to go on sick leave