Snookie's journal

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Hope67

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Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #225 on: August 15, 2020, 10:43:00 AM »
He said I have done everything to cover myself and can't do anymore. He said I should try and enjoy my break.


Hi Snookiebookie - I hope you can enjoy your break.  You certainly sound like you did everything you could!  Also you mentioned that you will get a bit more head space soon, and that sounds so good. 

Hope  :)

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Snookiebookie2

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Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #226 on: August 18, 2020, 07:49:16 PM »
Thank you Hope x

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Snookiebookie2

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Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #227 on: August 18, 2020, 07:51:32 PM »
My inner critic is killing me!!!

Feeling such self loathing for myself.

Self esteem very low.  Inner child frightened and bullied.

Difficult to be motivated and deal with the tidal wave of negative thoughts.

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marta1234

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Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #228 on: August 18, 2020, 08:42:53 PM »
Sending you much love and support, snookie  :hug: We’re here for you :)

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Snookiebookie2

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Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #229 on: August 19, 2020, 06:36:50 PM »
Thank you for your support Marta x

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Snookiebookie2

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Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #230 on: August 19, 2020, 06:52:03 PM »
It's been a bit of a mare today.

We've had an intermittent fault on some of our lights.  Last week the main circuit board tripped. This has never happened before, so we knew it was something that needed fixing. 

My husband a is equally highly strung as me, but this plays into his triggers so I knew he'd make it hard work. He makes a drama out of a crisis, and is a problem finder rather than a problem solver.  I knew it'd land on my shoulders.

So I ended up booking an electrician, who came today. It turns out that the bathroom is leaking near one of the sockets. He's made temporary repairs.  So next problem is to get a plumber.

My husband is friends with someone who does plumbing for a job. But wouldn't get in touch with him. Instead he wanted me to contact a friend of my step dad who has done a couple of small plumbing jobs.

Thankfully, this family friend came, and we found the problem fairly quickly. It took him two and a half hours. He's coming back tomorrow to check it's alright and then he'll replace my floorboards.

Felt really triggered all day.  I've had tension in my stomach all day.

Thankfully I've got some money saved to pay for all this - I'd been hoping to pay someone to decorate the hallway. That needs to go on hold as that is where the problem light switch is. I want to be confident that the problem is truly fixed before we decorate that area.

Tomorrow is my daughter's exams results day.  There's been chaos in the education sector as to how to award results in the absence of exams which were missed due to Covid19. This has added to the stress that my daughter has had.

I'm supposed to be on annual leave from work, to rest and relax.   :fallingbricks:

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #231 on: August 20, 2020, 08:43:10 AM »
Fingers crossed with the exam results. Hopefully today will go better after the fiasco over the past week.

I hope you can enjoy the rest of your time off. :hug:

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Snookiebookie2

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Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #232 on: August 20, 2020, 03:19:43 PM »
Thank you Snowdrop.

*******

Today was a good day

My daughter smashed her GCSE'S

She got

2 x 9 (A**)
4 x 8 (A*)
3 x 7 (A)
1 x 6 (B)

So proud of her x

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Hope67

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Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #233 on: August 20, 2020, 03:33:41 PM »
 :cheer: for your daughter's success, she has done really well.  Glad you're feeling proud. 
 :hug: to you, Snookie.
Hope  :)

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Snowdrop

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Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #234 on: August 20, 2020, 05:28:07 PM »
Oh that's brilliant! Hooray! Hooray!
 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

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marta1234

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Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #235 on: August 20, 2020, 08:54:32 PM »
 :cheer: That’s amazing Snookie! Congrats for her and you :hug:

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Snookiebookie2

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Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #236 on: September 20, 2020, 12:17:40 PM »
I have an appointment with my T this week. I only see her when I need to. And lately I feel that I'm losing my grip on reality. It's not until I spend time or interact with 'normal' people that I realise how dysfunctional I actually am.

I am back working in the office one day a week. My first day back was very triggering.  I just wanted to curl and die! I really didn't want to be there. I felt so.... different.... to everyone.

I'm having regular fortnightly meetings with my head boss too. And they're very triggering too. Firstly, even though I'm reasonably happily married and I assume he is, I can't help but be attracted to him - not that I'd act on it either. But it does add an extra layer of difficultly to having one to one with him.  And as I think most people with C-PTSD I have difficulty with those in management - so another layer of difficulty. And my inner child is always craving approval, and my inner critic is always making me justify myself and explain my anxieties.  In short I come across as serious, and intense, and probably like a jibbering idiot!!!  Lots of fuel for my inner critic at 4am when I am trying to sleep.

My inner critic had me merciless lately.  I was eating lunch the other day and I caught my reflection. The "voice" from my critic was so very harsh. I noticed how fat I am; my terrible posture; my lank hair...... I suddenly realised how horrible and mean this voice was. I felt awful, but it was my own mind that was doing it.  And it's worse than its been before.

I keep a CBT journal, with positives, to offset this voice. But that's not helping. I hate myself, even in my own daydreams and fantasies. I can't find many redeeming things about myself and the inner critic turns it's spotlights on all my errors and flaws. I cannot understand why anyone would like me, and that's evidenced by a lack of friends. And what's more not many people throughout my life have even been bothered to make an effort to get to know me. It's like I'm totally unappealing.

I've seen my core beliefs good from I'm rubbish to I am bad.  My mind had started to not only focus in things I've done wrong but finds bad things I've done.  It finds things I can't do, that I'm incapable of doing - I'm defective.

When I am with my work colleagues I just feel like I don't fit, I don't know how to be normal. They're always better than me. They're so relaxed and cool.

The work colleague who I work closely with never ever makes mistakes! But she'll pester me on things that I'm getting on with - really annoying!  I have found myself really resenting her. And trying to find things she's done wrong or slowly. Then I feel like a creep for this, or that I'm twisted for feeling this way. And then she gets Employee of the month! And my head boss says "she's like a machine", complimenting her. And all I can think is, he doesn't like or appreciate me!  How sad is that?  And I feel so bad and ashamed at how I feel inside.

Anyway, I'll relay all this to my T this week. She's quite good at making connections and understanding me. It's also great to unload all the intense emotions with her. And sometimes she will be able to explain the mechanisms in my head and come up with a solution or coping technique.

I just feel so ashamed of who I am and how I am. I wish could be who I am and not worry about it. But when I'm so intensely triggered I don't have a personality, I'm a ghost, I don't know who 'I' am.  It scares me as I know that's a symptom of BPD.  I've often felt that maybe I am Borderline (my T denies this). My father was quite possibly Borderline and his personality was very brittle and his ego very fragile - and whilst I hate to admit it I am like this too.  However, since seeing my current T I have totally calmed down how emotionally reactive I am.  And my anger usually was internal rather than external.

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Snookiebookie2

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Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #237 on: October 08, 2020, 07:34:09 PM »
Needed to post about a bad day.   I didn't want to put in my new journal.   This post fits in with my previous posts on this journal.

At work I sent a bill, which I checked to a master document.  So on 30th June all the fees were correct.

In September I obtained 100% payment on account for the person I was billing for.  Ive have just realised that we've  duplicated two fees, so at some point they'll need paying back by the person who I billed for. They won't be happy.

I've looked into why this happened.  It looks like my head boss  added those extra fees on 14th July. He shouldn't have done that as those fees HAD been billed on a different part of the case, as they  should have been.

I added new fees on around  22nd July for work done from 1st July onwards.  As I knew the fees up to 30th June were correct,  I didn't think I needed to check those again. The duplicate fees were for January, i.e.in the batch of fees I'd already checked.  So I wouldn't have noticed them.

I'm worried that I'm going to be blamed. So I email my head boss.

I received a reply saying he was too busy to even read my email!!!

I'm so angry.   Firstly, he cant even read my email.   I matter that much.  I appreciate that he maybe busy but he he can't take 60 seconds to whizz through my email to see if it's important.  Second that he had to mess with bills!! And finally I know that I'll have to fix this. He'll just tell me email the person who's bill it is to tell him, and take any flack from him.  This is the same person who my head boss should have contacted about an overpayment at his previous office. My head boss delegated to me, but I got all my emails approved by my head boss. The person got very shirty and my head boss just left me to take all the fallout.

I have flagged up to my team leader, as shes listened to me moan about my head  boss before.  We've scheduled a meeting tomorrow.   

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sanmagic7

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Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #238 on: October 09, 2020, 10:30:17 PM »
hope the meeting went well, snook.  love and hugs :hug:

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Snookiebookie2

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Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #239 on: October 10, 2020, 09:02:45 AM »
Thank you San

Yes, the meeting went very well.  My team leader was just as exasperated at my head boss as I was. 

I'm having my usual catch up meeting with him on Wednesday, so I'll talk to him about the problem then. But I'll preempt him by drafting some documents - he's sure to ask.

I'll just have to cope with him being like this. But my team leader wants to be informed of problems like this. And told me I can vent to her.

She told me they're very happy with me. I've realised that I'm willing and able to fix long standing problems at work. Some caused by my head boss. Most of which he's ignored for years and years. He wants to concentrate on one area of his job, and that's it.  Usually it's me coming up with the solutions in our meetings. But given the sensitive and controversial nature of the cases, I still need the meetings to have it on record that I've discussed it with him. (I keep minutes).