Snookie's journal

[sanmagic7]

glad to hear that, snook, and also that you've got someone who has your back and is giving you a place to vent.  well done!    love and hugs

[Snookiebookie2]

I was due to have my fortnightly catch up meeting my head boss on Wednesday. When I logged on he had emailed to postpone it till Friday.

This week's meeting was a video meeting.  He is always late to the video meetings.  So I wasn't surprised at him not being there at the start time.  15 minutes in, I got an email saying he was stuck on the phone. 

He finally came online 50 minutes late and told me I could have 5 or 10 minutes.  I had 3 or 4 things I really needed to discuss.

I felt a mixture of anger and exasperation.  I also felt hurt and that I was unimportant.  I felt like I was being a burden to him.  I went into freeze mode. I wasn't sure what the appropriate response was.

He'd clearly had a bad morning.  He was clearly annoyed at having to even give me the 5 or 10 minutes.   He didn't apologise about being so curt or cutting our meeting short.

Sure he mentioned that he had an urgent call in the next 30 minutes, but only to press home that there was no way of going over the 5 or 10 minutes he had said I could have.

I started by saying that I would go through the 3 or 4 problems first - they were the most important.  I must stress that none of these problems are of my doing, I'm just trying to fix existing problems, most of which pre-date my time here.

One of the problems has been caused by my boss meddling with a case. This is likely to provoke a grumble or complaint from someone outsideour firm.  I emailed my head boss over a week ago, but he told me he was too busy to even read it.  I suggested that we discuss it at this meeting.   When I tried discussing it, he just didn't want to know.  I explained that I'd drafted he main body of an email to the person in question, but wanted to know how to finish it off.  He just said send it. I asked if he wanted see ot or approve it. No, he didn't.

He doesn't want to know. He just wants me to go away.  So my feeling is if there's any come back from this situation I will be left picking up the pieces, by myself.  No support.   That left me feeling very angry.

He was just as non committal with everything else. The message was that he has more important things to deal with and I should just go away and sort them.

Whilst I understand that he was having a bad day, it wasn't reasonable to be that way. That isn't support.   Being cold and grumpy isn't the correct way to be with someone.  That's just provoke a reaction, which isn't the right way to deal with someone.

If he thinks that I shouldn't be asking questions or raising these queries, then he should say. If he thinks that I'm asking too many questions or constantly seeking reassurance then he should say so. He shouldn't be grumpy and offhand because he's trying to push me away or put me off.

I have sent a brief email to my direct supervisor, to update her.  However I don't expect a reply. I would like the chance to vent to her and discuss how I'm feeling.  And to consider solutions or alternative ways of dealing with this.

I am still seething. I am so angry at the situation.  I'm also angry at my boss as a person - how could someone be so inconsiderate?

I did wonder if i was the problem.  Whether my anxiety was the issue.  But  actually I don't think it is.  So I'm also angry at him making me doubt myself.

I'm just so angry.

[Snookiebookie2]

I've had a terrible day.

My head boss has just had a go at me at the end of our regular meeting.

We'd arranged to have the meeting on Thursday.  He cancelled 15 minutes after the start time of that. He asked me in his email if anything was urgent.   I replied asking if he wanted to try again on Friday (today). He suggested that we hold it early at 9am. I sent a fresh zoom invite.

This morning when I logged on, I found that he'd emailed me last night saying he was busy.  I replied asking him to let me know when he was free.  He said 12.30. So I sent him a revised Zoom invite.

I rattled through my questions.  He really didn't seem interested.  He said that he had a lot on his plate.  And I suggested drafting things for him, for him to approve.  Or revisiting the issues in the new year. But I acknowledged that he's likely to be busy then too.

I mentioned a case that we'd discussed last time, which is very complex and there have been some developments.   I also mentioned previous cases where I was waiting on things from him.

At the end of the meeting he had a go at me for none of it being urgent. He was annoyed at having scheduled the meeting three times. He said he had other, more important things to deal with.  That all of it could have waited. He felt it could have been dealt with by a couple of emails. 

I said that all of the things I had were important and need answers.   That he'd agreed to having the meetings. 

He said he had other priorities and he'd have to think about future meetings and perhaps someone could help me.  I said if someone else could do it, just let me know.  He said that some of the items have been mentioned before (true because we never sort them).  I said that we'd had this before, that we need to discuss things whether by email or meeting and I'm happy whatever the frequency (daily, weekly etc). We ended the meeting.   It had taken 17 minutes - and some of that was general chit chat. So I had probably taken 15 minutes - bear in mind it's almost a month since our last meeting.

I am so angry.  I'm very upset and have been crying all afternoon.

I have rung and emailed my direct supervisor to raise this with her.  I'm waiting to her from her.

I have since realised that I should have pointed out to my head boss that he doesn't reply to my emails! Or his reply is that he's too busy to even read my email!!!

I feel that relationships have soured badly. I want nothing further to do with him.  I am stunned he was like that.

[Hope67]

Hi Snookiebookie,
I am sorry you've had such a terrbile day.  Sending you a hug of support, if that's ok 
I hope your supervisor will contact you soon, so you can raise the issues with her. I hope she supports you.
Take care,
Hope 

[Snowdrop]

I'm so sorry, Snookie, that sounds awful. I would have felt angry and upset in this situation too. I hope your supervisor contacts you soon.

[Snookiebookie2]

Hi Hope and Snowdrop

Thanks for your comments and hugs, they were appreciated.

I know it's the weekend, but I've checked my work emails.  My direct supervisor has emailed at 4pm yesterday (after I logged off for the day).  She apologized for not getting back to me earlier. She has something to talk to me about as there's changes to the structure of the billing and credit control team. She said it wasn't anything to worry about, but she just needs to fill me in.

I also got an email from my head boss. He reiterated what we'd discussed.  He also said that he's being pulled 100 different ways and that we'll have to postpone our meetings until the new year. I will have to email him and if it's urgent (only if it's urgent) then I can call him. He then said in the new year he'd schedule monthly meetings.

I very much doubt that he'll be happy or polite of I called him.  And I expect it'll be towards the end of January or beginning of February before he gets around to scheduling the next meeting.  I feel nervous asking him to diaries something now, and equally nervous at the thought that I'll have to chase him up in the New year.

I'm starting to feel that it's all me. I'm feeling like I must be unhinged.  I don't feel rational. 

***"TW self harm/suicide ideation***
I'd been feeling down for the last 7-10 days.  I've had some problems with my daughter recently (although they seem to be resolving with some emotional support from school).  In the UK we're part way through a lockdown again.  I'm working from home and all hospitality and non essential shops have closed and we cannot see our friends and family.  This time around school have remained open, so that means I'm in my own for upto 9 hours per day. 

As a result of all this, I've felt really down.  In the first lockdown my daughter was around and we spent time together each day. But this time around it's just me, so my mood is much darker.  I'd been thinking of self harm and have head suicide ideation.  But now this has happened at work. I feel overwhelmed.

I also know that I've had similar issues at other jobs that I've done.  I'm starting to think it's me. There is something wrong with me, with my thought process, how I react. I'm the only common denominator.

I know that it's totally ridiculous that my job illicits such a strong reaction and makes me want to hurt myself!

I also understand that the thing that's wrong with me is that I have C-PTSD. And that I function am quite high functioning.  But I still have the reactions and I am different to others.

[Snowdrop]

Oh Snookie, I feel as though I want to wrap you up in a big soft blanket.

I get how hard and upsetting work is. Your head boss says he has a lot on his plate, but so do you, and he has a duty of care towards you.

I'm in the UK too, and I hear the impact the second lockdown is having on you.

I don't think you're unhinged, Snookie. Navigating the world with CPTSD injuries is hard. Please don't hurt yourself. I care about you. Sending you much love and support.

[Snookiebookie2]

**pulls big soft blanket around myself **

Thank you Snowdrop,  it's a lovely blanket and your care and understanding is really appreciated.  Thanks so much for hearing me and understanding how I feel x

A friend has suggested that I'm being bullied.   I'm not sure it could be considered that from a legal standpoint but I am prone to being bullied.  My CPTSD is the root cause of the due to my self esteem being nonexistent and a vicious inner critic.

[Not Alone]

Your head boss saying that he's being pulled 100 different ways, makes me think that maybe the system at work is disfunctional.

I would like to add my care to Snowdrop's soft blanket wrapped around you. The lockdown; stressful, unsupported work; and cptsd is all a great deal to hold. 

[Snowdrop]

Hope today goes ok, Snookie. Thinking of you.

[Snookiebookie2]

Snowdrop,

That was so thoughtful x

I've spoken to my direct supervisor who thinks my head boss was completely out of order.  She informed me that they're recruiting a team leader over me and a couple of other colleagues.   So I should never have to speak to my head boss again.

I am not sure about a new team leader  it makes me feel that I'm inadequate  and need supervision.   I also feel a bit usurped. I'm anxious how it'll affect me and where it'll leave me in the pecking order.

I feel like I've come in a pretty much come in with very little training or support.  I've reduced the outstanding debt, the age of the outstanding cases and got systems in place to keep things moving. I've solved so many of the difficult cases by myself.  I have pretty much trained myself the difficult bills although theres so much I'm still unsure of.  Only to find someone is coming in over me.

This happened at my last job too. I felt like I wasn't quite up to their expectations.   Quite deflating.

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad your direct supervisor validated you by saying your head boss was out of order.

I understand your anxiety, but I don't think you're inadequate. To the contrary, I think you've done brilliantly well. Look at all the things you've achieved. Wow.

It sounds to me as though there's lots going on, so they need more people. Notalone said earlier that maybe the system at work is dysfunctional, and I wonder if this is an attempt to try and correct that.

[Snowdrop]

I hope your week's going ok, Snookie.

[Snookiebookie2]

Hi Snowdrop

Thank you for your thoughtfulness and concern.  My week has been challenging but not total chaos.  I'm bearing up. 

Thank you

[sanmagic7]

hey, snookie,

i think your boss was totally out of line, and, to my mind, it sounds like bullying - legal definition or not, it's still bullying.  i think you stood up to him really well.   

for a time, i was up for a job as team leader.  it had nothing to do with anyone's ability, adequacy, or the need to be supervised, such as one would do with children. instead, it was a way to coordinate separate factions, make sure everyone was on the same page and knew what was going on in the same way.  maybe that's what this team leader role would be about as well.  from what you've written, it sounds like a bit of oversight might help with getting the bigger picture and perspective, as well as having someone kinder to ask questions of.

i hope that's the case.  you don't sound inadequate; rather, just the opposite.  i think the boss bully is the one feeling inadequate and pressured, and looks for someone to take it out on.  pooh on him!!!   just a bunch of hot air he's blowing at you.  sending love and a hug filled with a fan to blow that hot air back where it belongs