Snookie's journal

[Snookiebookie2]

I'm feeling a deep aloneness. 

I feel so very, very sad and a sense of hopelessness.   

Lockdown is isolating (even though I have my husband and daughter - I spare a thought for those who live alone).  No sense of purpose.   

[Blueberry]

 

[Snookiebookie2]

It's been a while since I've written or logged in here.   It's been trying times, but I found some distraction in a enjoyable fantasy and daydream world.  I've not been so consumed in maladaptive daydream.  Whilst that's soothing it's quite jarring and a small shock when real life kicks in.

Work has caused me problems as I fall fowl of regulations that I wasn't aware of.  I did try discussing this with my head boss, who clearly had no idea either, only to be left to feel that I was overthinking the situation.  Now I have a couple of problem cases to sort, and there will be some fall out. Remember I've not had training, and my head boss was always reluctant to support me and cancelled our sessions twice. Emails to both my bosses this time last year were ignored - no reply whatsoever.

They have recently hired a new direct supervision, but she too doesn't have direct experience. So I need to explain everything to her. She is quite good though and we've started tackling problems that I've inherited.  It's just that I am deeply ashamed of the problems that are of my making, or occurred as I did not know otherwise.

I had to speak to my new supervisor this week about a problem.  She was supportive but also pointed out what went wrong and what should have happened (cue me feeling shame).  She knows that about my lack of support and training, and is impressed with what I achieve. She said she only hears positive things about me. She also said that I'm intelligent, conscious and never give up.

I explained to her about my anxiety and again she was supportive. She let me have her mobile number for if work overwhelms my anxiety. 

Since then I've not felt (physically) well, so I have taken a couple of days sick leave.  I'll be returning to work tomorrow and I'm now starting to ruminate.

Yesterday, I could not help but think of all the things I got wrong....not just in this job but every job. And then thinking of every time I got things wrong in my life.  My inner critic was running away with things.

I always feel that my mum, dad and brother just didn't even like me.  I don't have many friends either. I've previously posted how people don't take to me, they just aren't interested in me.  I am super awkward  when I meet people. 

Whilst ruminating I thought of boyfriends and relationships where I was treated badly.  People just seen to not care about how they make me feel.

At home, during lockdown I became close to me daughter. But in recent weeks that's become strained. She's started lashing out at me, and treating me with contempt, just in the same way as my mum did. My daughter has been feeling the strain of A levels, and peer pressure and social media. She's started with problems with food and possibly early stages of anorexia. When I've tried helping she's most definitely thrown everything at me. I've taken the brunt of her anger. Whilst I know this is a deflection tactic, it's another tirade of emotions and blame that I don't need to take. I'm intending on reaching out for support and advice on how to deal with it.

Then there's my husband, who seems more interested in everyone but me. He's addicted to Facebook and WhatsApp or chatting to his mates on the phone. He's even spoken to an old (female) school friend several times, for an hour or so each time. Meanwhile I'm upstairs watching my TV programmes as he was supposed to watching football.

This week I needed him to run errands and I felt unwell. He was so impatient and uncooperative, because he didn't want to do it.  I stayed calm, and he did the errands but he made it difficult.  I just don't need that kind of petulance.

When I was struggling with my anxiety after a bad day at work, he let me rant and kisses on the cheek and sheepishly walks off and then ignores me and pretends morning happened. I appreciate that I have complex issues, but .....

So yesterday I realised that I've spent most of my life feeling unhappy. And that I currently feel so unhappy. I'm craving a bit of peace and quiet and harmony.  I'm in emotional pain, and have been for quite some time. I'm sick of it and want it to end.

I think I need to change my job. Yes my new supervisor might help and things eventually be better. But there's a lot of pain and discomfort to go through. I think I've found it painful for 18 months or two years. I genuinely think in that time it's caused some emotional damage and added to my condition. I think that getting out world be better. I also think that I could do with a change in direction, something other than office work.  But my self esteem is non existent and jobs are thin on the ground due to the pandemic. Work is such a big trigger it'd be a big step if I could find something else that didn't cause me as much to ruminate about.

If you've read all of this, what is essentially a rant, then I thank you. 

I think I need to book an appointment, or two, with my therapist.

[Snookiebookie2]

Feeling at a low ebb. The lowest for a while.

At work, I've had to teach myself as no training has been given. I've had very little support.  This last couple of weeks, I've realised that I've not understood the rules, despite seeking guidance from my manager and from the agency who runs the scheme.  I've now got some difficult cases to rectify because of this. 

Over the last few weeks I seem to have even more difficult cases to deal with too. And I had one day off leave and two days when I feel sick. So I had to crazy l catch up.

I have a new supervisor who had given me lots of one time tasks, mainly writing notes and flow charts. Initially she said that I didn't need to rush, but I got through the work when I got through it. Then she pinned me down to a deadline of the end of June. Now I feel overwhelmed.

So the above is why I'm triggered. Quite understandably.  My rational self understands why I'm triggered.  And probably would day that it's not all my fault. But my inner critic is having a field day! And perfectionism and shame is making it worse.

For the last week or so, my self hatred has been really high. I've ruminated and thought about all my other jobs when I've made mistakes, got things wrong or just didn't live up to my perfectionistic standards.  It's made me feel totally useless. A total liability. Like I'm a not a worthy human being. 

I've pretty much held a job since I was 18, so that's over 30 years.  I had a six months period of unemployment about 20 years ago. Then six months maternity leave 17 years ago. Since then I've work part time at 21 hours per week. 

At every job I've worked at, I've gotten to the fever pitch stage, for one reason or another.  Whether it's lack of support, lack of training, fear of my mistakes coming to light, but being happy at the management, being bullied/side lined/ignored...etc.  I always end up in a state of crisis.  And I end up leaving because of how I feel.

The above paragraph shows is two things. First, that the only constant is me.  That it is me.  It's because of how I am.  Effectively is my "fault", in that it is down to me being me. It's down to me reacting the way I react. It's down to how In see the world. And secondly, that means that whatever I do, whether I leave for another job, It's going to happen again. I'm only ever going to be me. So I'll act the same, react the same.  I'm doomed to find myself back in this situation again.

Feeling that I'm going to be constantly repeating the cycle at work feels very depressing.  That's made my rumination worse.  So when mistakes pop back into my head, the feel all the more painful - they may be in the past, but something similar is going to happen in the future.  It's all so depressing.

[Blue Rose]

Hello Snookie, your last entry really resonates with me as I have just come to a similar realisation. There is a definite pattern to every job I've had, and your experience that at every job you always reach the fever pitch stage for one reason or another is exactly my experience too. I think with the realisation that the constant factor is us, also needs to come with a massive dose of compassion and self-care, because it is as a result of CPTSD. And somehow that understanding needs to be a first step in being kind to ourselves about this. Sending you a hug as well if okay with you.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you Blue Rose,

Your reply and hug was appreciated.  I hear your comments about self compassion, but sadly I've always struggled with that. I think that's because I've not seen much compassion in my life, so find it hard to knows what it is.   I'm pretty good at self care, and practice that daily.

I need to do something, as I feel on the edge of breaking down.  I'm exhibiting physical symptoms, such as chronic muscle pain and I think I'm starting with "silent" migraines - a feeling of pressure and fuzziness in my head, flashing lights, nausea and malaise. I feel like I'm going insane (which means I'm probably not, if I'm rational enough to recognise how I'm feeling).

My logic and self esteem are non existent. I just want the ground to open up and swallow me.  See my utter self loathing!

I agree though, that we should accept that we are the way we are due to having CPTSD. It's an injury, that was inflicted on us.

[Snookiebookie2]

Just some more feeling that have surfaced.

At work, I constantly feel like I'm not very good. But generally speaking, in life I always feel that way. I'm no good at anything. I have no talent, no skill. 

I can kinda paint. I can kinda draw. But not very very well. It's not amazing. There are loads of people who are better.

I'm not good at sports.  Being asthmatic means I don't have much stamina. When I've tried things such as yoga, I'm not the best.

I can't even drive. I can't sing (I love singing but it really sounds awful).  I'm not a people person.  I'm not outgoing, and I've often written that people don't tend to warm to me.

Whilst I could say I'm intelligent and articulate there are many that are better. My high school exams were good for my school, but I  soon realized that there were people with much better grades.  I have dropped out of every cider l cost course since then, because the perfectionism gets too much. 

I just feel like I'm no good at anything.  It overwhelms me.

[Blueberry]

I hear you snookiebookie "can't" used to be a big part of my life too. An accompanier. I don't remember now how I reduced it, but I have done so. 

[Alter-eg0]

Hey there Snookie. That's a tough way to feel. It sucks.

I will say, i've felt the same way, and often still do. But...a lot less than I used to. For me personally, one thing that made a huge difference, was what I learned from the book "mindset" by Carol Dweck, where she speaks about the difference between a growth mindset, and a fixed mindset. That knowledge did wonders in helping me deal with my perfectionism and imposter syndrome.
Maybe it could be of use to you, too.

Take care