Snookie's journal

[Jazzy]

Sorry you're having such a hard time. I hope you feel better soon, and get some good rest. Take care!

[Snookiebookie2]

Three Roses and Jazzy, thank you for your replies x.   It helps to know that there are people out there listening 

Currently can't sleep as my inner critic is eating at me.  It is making me feel worthless - and I know that I should not listen to it.  I need some mechanism to get through this.

Hubby sound asleep after sulking and then getting upset with me  .  I'm off back to bed and to listen to the radio in the hope that I can lull myself to sleep. 

[Snookiebookie2]

Mixed progress over the last few days.

I'm currently waiting to see if I've sorted a mistake at  work last week.  It should be okay, but I'm worried and scared in case it doesn't go my way. My ICr had been taunting with images of it going wrong. I'm properly terrified to find out what has happened, in case it's negative, but I need closure.

I did do some good work last week though. I got rid of some old difficult cases and did some good collections, and next week's collection are looking like they could be huge!

I finished the working week feeling more in control and more organized than recent weeks.

I also spent an afternoon with a work colleague, who I think had similar issues to me. I like her and we seem to have connected. So that was a big positive.

I've found my teenage daughter very triggering though. She lost her pre-paid bus pass and it was left to me to fix.  But she refused to speak to me on the phone, and ended up sending sassy texts.  I had to traipse out in the rain to arrange a replacement pass.  So her attitude wasn't appreciated.

She has been told that because of her attitude that it'll be responsibility to sort, and pay for, the next replacement pass.  Plus she's hoping to go to a concert, and she's been told that if she behaves that way again, then she will not go.

It was so triggering because their were echoes of my mother.  She would expect me to sort all problems, no matter how she treated me.  I have tried to show my daughter that she should have respect for someone, especially if they are doing you favour.  Occasionally, my daughter lapses back in to old habits and thinks she can push you to do something just being mean and sassy. 

I did manage to spend some quality, alone time with my husband.  He admitted that he'd been very grumpy over the last few months.  He said that his worrying, especially about work was the cause. He apologized for his behaviour. 

Finally, I'm very hormonal.  I'm finding that quite difficult to deal with as I haven't had any PMT since I had my coil. Now that's removed my hormones are all over the shop.

So some positives - some negatives. Two steps forward, and two steps back, but I feel spun around.

[Three Roses]

I'm impressed with the way you're setting positive goals and examples for your daughter. Teenagers can be very , so a big for you there! Also, it's awesome that your h was able to take responsibly for some grumpiness and get that off your shoulders.

Sorry to hear about the hormones. Been there etc! It gets better, hang in there.

[Snookiebookie2]

I've been meaning to do this entry for a while, but have been putting it off.  I need to write about my mother.

I grew up in an abusive household.  It's all I knew from birth.  But the abuser was my dad. I believe he had Borderline personality disorders.  He had the mood swings, fear of abandonment and explosive temper.  He also exhibited paranoia and control.

My mum, my brother and I were subjected to emotional and mental abuse.  There was also domestic physical violence.  But the crushing thing was the feeling of being trapped. We had no option but to put up with it. For many years I didn't think that we'd ever escape this prison.

Due to our mutual misery we all pulled together, against my dad. We supported each other through all of this.  That felt good, to have people there who understood.  I remember taking a lot of solace from this support system.  It was also one of the few places that I'd receive affection. My dad was very fragile and immature, and resented anyone getting more affection that him. So quite often I'd not get any attention from my mum when he was around.

I have a few memories of spending time with my mum and feeling loved. I also remember her speculating what life would be like if he wasn't around.  I dreamed for that to be real

When I was 16, just before my school exams, my mum snapped.  She climbed out of a window after my dad locked her in the house.  She never came back. She never made contact. I knew where she was, but I thought she'd be in touch or come home.

After about 2 and half months of dealing with my dad's violence on my own,  I cracked. I confided in a teacher. She contacted my mum, who criticised me for not being in touch with her! 

My mum had found a one bedroom flat. She'd also met someone, who was sleeping over every evening.  And when I turned up, she told me I'd have to sleep on the sofa.

I later found out that this boyfriend of 2 months had cheated on her and split up with her before I came back on the scene.  So the relationship had been rocky in that short amount of time. Yet despite that she wasn't going to put her daughter before this new boyfriend.

As a mum of a daughter of a similar age, I cannot imagine making her feel second best.  I would walk over broken glass or through fire to protect and look after her. It makes me realize how my mum must have thought and felt about me. It's an issue that I've discussed in therapy on many occasions.

The idea had been that my mum would look for a two bedroom flat. But that never happened.  In the end I got terribly depressed. My mum told me off for crying.  I was also told that I was just run down and needed to take vitamins.

I became more and more lonely and withdrawn.  My mum just wanted to please her boyfriend and curl up with him watching TV. She never had any time for me.  She got jealous of him if he went out without her. One of the few times that she spent time with me was only done to make him jealous.

Eventually I got so depressed that my mum said that I should go home as I was homesick. I still can't believe that she suggested it. I can't believe she let happen. I felt like I was an inconvenience.

Life with my dad was thoroughly miserable. He punched me. He talked dirty, sexual stuff to me. He was emotionally abusive telling me how horrible I was. But now I didn't have a support network. I was desperate.

Mum couldn't help as she'd moved and they had no spare room.   I found somewhere and eventually moved in with my boyfriend.

Contrast my mother's attitude to that when my brother was desperate for somewhere to live, they actually converted and extended a closet to a box room for him.

When I lived away from my mum, if I didn't contact her, she didn't contact me.

I did actually move in with my mum again. But again her partner came first. If I wanted to talk to her I'd have to do it in the kitchen, whilst making a drink or a sandwich. 

My mum was very appearance oriented. She was vain.  You always had to dress and look your best.  But she had lots of spare money and had a great figure. I'm very tall and overweight. I don't always have lots of disposable income. Also I'm not really interested in clothes. So I never measured up in my appearance. She let me know it too. I felt incredibly inadequate.

She could be critical about other things too. When I was single for four years she couldn't help making comments. Bearing in mind that I developed incredible social anxiety and didn't have any friends to go out with (my only friend had gotten engaged and from then on didn't go out with me anymore).

But the worst was to come - my daughter was born.  I lived less than a mile from my mum. I'd bought a house that close hoping my mum would visit me as much as I visited her. But it never happened. I might as well lived in another country.  But then when my daughter was born she was never away.

Obviously a baby is hard work. My mum could see that I was finding it hard in the first month. She offered to take her for an afternoon.  It was amazing, I slept!

It became that my mum would take her every Saturday afternoon. We'd pick her up in the evening. That was great.But then when we there in an evening, I wanted to put my daughter to bed at her usual bed time. I was told I was being mean. Then I was ignored.

Slowly over a period of several months everyone agreed that my daughter would spend the weekend at mums. But as we spent most of Saturday there, I'd still see my daughter. But whatever I wanted to do I got shouted at. My suggestions were always wrong.

When she wa at my mums my daughter didn't have a bedtime. No regular meal times. No need to brush her teeth. Could eat what she wanted. Could gorge on sweets. Could ignore me. 

If I argued, then I was being harsh. No one else backed me up. I was a lone voice. Everyone else was happy. Mum got to treat her grandchild. My husband was absolved of all responsibility and didn't have to lift a finger. My daughter was in seventh heaven and got everything she wanted. I was a monster for arguing. I obviously had something wrong with me.

Once again I was deeply unhappy. I was powerless.  I was the scapegoat.   And the person keeping this going was the one person I adored - my mum. The one person that I wanted to impress - my mum.  Yet she seemed to be disgusted by me. 

She would do anything to keep my daughter doting on her. She just wanted to my daughter's favourite person, no matter the cost or amount of effort. It was clear that it didn't matter if that made me look bad. in fact , she benefited if I looked unhinged, mean or angry.

Over the years though, I don't quite recall how, but I managed to reduce the amount of time that my daughter spend at my mum's. But my daughter and I were still at loggerheads. I was the person who insisted on a bed time, that she eat her greens, and brush her teeth. So, still proving all the things my mum said to her behind my back.

In 2016 my mum passed away. I was there with her, supporting and loving her to the end. I was heartbroken.

During therapy over the last couple of years, I've been piecing together the damage she reeked.  I find it hard to connect the image of my mum giving me some attention when I was eight years old with the woman who made me feel alienated in my own family.

I've worked hard on relationships with my husband and daughter.  I've had some very intense and trying times with my daughter since but we have reduced the anger and strife.  She is more rational and understanding. She accepts that things were dysfunctional and that things are calmer now.

I genuinely feel that my mum is the major cause of my CPTSD.  I know that it's said that narcissists cause it. I've never quite been able to consider my mum a narcissist. Sure she had traits, but a full on narc? 

I find it hard to deal with though.  The daydream of how life would be without my dad didn't live up to expectations. But, oh my god, I never expected the hurt and pain that I'd feel.

I feel like I've never had any love from either of my parents.

I've made sense of it in therapy, but I'm still processing the emotions.

[Not Alone]

Snookie,

I want you to know that I read your post and have heard you. Brave of you to share. It all sounds very complex and extremely painful. Sending you a compassionate hug.  You were worthy to be love by your mom and your dad. They both failed you. Those were their shortcomings and brokenness.

[Three Roses]

I have read your entire post and empathize with every word.

I agree with notalone, you're brave to share, you're worthy of love, but they failed you because of their own pain.

It's brave and good that you are confronting the dysfunction you were raised in so as to change your daughter's trajectory through life.

I'd like to also state that my f definitely had narcissistic tendencies, but I don't think he would have been diagnosed as one. People can have narcissistic tendencies without having narcissistic personality disorder, and it's every bit as damaging to the children they raise. Sending you a hug filled with compassion and understanding (if it's okay).

[Jazzy]

First of all, good job with sharing this. That can be hard to do, but it can be very helpful as well. Sorry to hear about your F. My M is diagnosed with BPD as well. While she's not as obviously bad as your F, it is still difficult to deal with. Good job making it through all that!

Also, I'm sorry your M has treated you horribly. It is amazing how someone would abandon their own child in an abusive household like that. Even worse, continuing to show she cares least about you, as time went on. It sounds like you have done your best to treat your M well, despite how she treated you. I hope you can be proud of this. As the others said, the way she acted in return is a reflection on her, and not at all on you.

It is good that you've been able to make sense of all this. I hope your processing goes well. That can be a tricky thing, I think. Take care!

[sanmagic7]

thanks for sharing, snookie.  i hope it helped to get it out.

our traumas can come from many different kinds of people in many different kinds of ways.  they don't have to be narcs.  neither of my parents were, yet the emotional neglect has left its own set of scars and issues.

glad you've been able to process this in therapy, and are taking your time dealing w/ the emotions that spring from it.  sorry you had to go thru such treatment.  you didn't deserve it, not for a moment. 

sending love and a hug full of compassion

[Snookiebookie2]

Hi guys, 

Wow!  I am bowled over by your responses. 

it was very difficult, but also very important for me to write about my mum.  I was also very reassured that you all responded so positively too.  All of your comments have been heartwarming.

So thank you Notalone, Three Roses, Jazzy and San.  Thank you for your love.

[Snookiebookie2]

So for today's entry.....

Work has been the worst day ever     

We had a new email system installed.  It has not gone well.  But I actually can only do a limited amount of work using the system.  So that means work is going to back up. 

As you may know from previous entries, I have taken on a some more taxing, complex work recently.  So obviously that increases my work load.  And I have taken a bit of annual leave, due having so much accrued.  When I am away, my work mounts up and I have to catch it up.

The kind of work I do, there is always new work added daily, so it is important to keep on top of it and work at the same pace as the incoming work.  I have struggled when I take time off to catch up.  I have mentioned this a couple of times to my managers.

Well today, when I sat down to create today's list of new work, I felt overwhelmed.    I have previously had 3 or 4 claims per day to deal with.   Today there will be 9.  I still have 19 claims to do from last week, when people hand me their paperwork.  I did do a few claims from last weeks work, which actually means that I there were 25 claims last week.    That's far more than I am used to doing. 

On top of which, we may be getting new people in and this may add a further 50% to my work load.  I am at breaking point. 

so I spoke to my team leader and explained all of this.  She is going to see what she can do, even if it's short term. 

I am so deflated.... it feels like one thing after another.

I feel a failure - even in spite of the evidence as to the fact that the work load has increased. 

I feel like I am starting from scratch....

My boss did say I have done a fantastic job.  she also said that they will accept that things may slip till this is fixed. 

[Three Roses]

I actually had verbal responses to this post! Haha! Sitting here alone in my room, with my first cup of coffee, a couple of your comments elicited exclamations from me namely

We had a new email system installed.

Just that comment alone made me say " "! Before I even got to the rest of your post.

I have previously had 3 or 4 claims per day to deal with.   Today there will be 9.  I still have 19 claims to do from last week, when people hand me their paperwork.  I did do a few claims from last weeks work, which actually means that I there were 25 claims last week

and

On top of which, we may be getting new people in and this may add a further 50% to my work load.  I am at breaking point

also brought exclamations and facial contortions!

Administrative work was my background, too, and the tiredness from thinking is every bit as exhausting as physical work, just a different kind of exhaustion. Hopefully your team leader will be able to find some extra support for you, this is really too much for you. It would be unreasonable to expect that you could keep up, it's just simply too much!

You're most definitely NOT a failure, that is really a lot to deal with. I know, I've been there! You're awesome 

[Snowdrop]

I agree with 3R.

I can understand the feeling of overwhelm, but I think there are many positives. You spoke to your team leader, which is a big thing, and you've been told what a fantastic job you're doing. This is in the face of an increased workload, and the new email system - I know what that's like!

You are in no way a failure. Maybe you feel like that because your inner critic is being a bit tetchy? What it's saying isn't true. You're doing brilliantly. 

This might sound a bit random, but have you ever tried using Rescue Remedy? Everybody's different, but I mention it because I find it helpful. I find that it takes the heat out of stressful situations so that I can cope better. Just a thought.

[Snookiebookie2]

Three Roses & Snowdrop thanks for your repies. They were helpful.

Today has been better.  Emails working.  Mistake that I made has been fixed. Progress made with backlog.   When I catch up I can train someone to help with repetitive tasks. 

Light at the end of the tunnel

[Snookiebookie2]

I had  frustrating afternoon,  that was almost frightening.   I needed to make changes to an online portal that I use for work.  After three phone calls and several emails I'd gotten nowhere. So I tried to fix the problem myself.  I made it worse! I nearly deleted my access!!  I cannot  do my job without  access.  So in panic, I had to call again and got cut off again. So I called AGAIN!

Eventually,  my access was reinstated.  Phew.  I also sorted the original problem.

I am really  feeling like I can't do right for doing wrong ATM.   The harder I try the less successful things are.  Perhaps  I should try less...

I wish I could just switch my head off for a week! And then reboot myself.

I get hassled and pestered all the time and never truly switch off.  I often think of booking a hotel nearby and just laying and watching TV for 24 or 48 hours,  alone and peaceful.   It might help reboot my brain and my mood.

I'm feeling run down. I'm suffering from blurred vision in one eye, dizziness and vertigo.   I almost passed out.  I'm assuming it's stress or tiredness. Or too much cortisol or adrenaline.

So I'm having a lazy evening......a bit of self care