Snookie's journal

[sanmagic7]

hey, snookie,

just wanted to chime in that i've gotten rid of things given me by traumatizing people.  didn't want the reminder around anymore.  i have enough triggers already w/o keep more in front of me.  i always thought of it as a sign of empowerment and growth.

i'm glad you're recognizing when you're feeling overwhelmed and going to talk to your t about it.  that work stuff can knock our socks off, for sure. 

last but not least, happy birthday!   all those steps you've taken have gotten you to another one.  quite the triumph!

sending love and a hug filled w/ your own special birthday wish

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you San x    

[Snowdrop]

A slightly belated Happy Birthday, Snookie!

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you Snowdrop x

[Snookiebookie2]

Working through my work issues

I've become quite triggered in the last 24 hours.  This is the third time recently that my anxiety has reached fever pitch.   My thoughts have been in a vicious spiral.  I'm quite used to that with my Generalised Anxiety. But usually I'm able to come up with a plan that seems reasonable. But this time, any plan doesn't seem enough and panic sets in.

On top of that, my thoughts are becoming increasingly nastier to me.  I'm feeling at a pretty low ebb.  I feel depression looming. So I thought I'd write down what has happened, good and bad. To see if it will lessen the rumination.   I intend to have an appointment with my T asap in January too. This may be a very long entry....or in several parts....

So... Approximately 20 years ago I was working an office job.  I had a team of 6 people (7 including me).  Our work wasn't considered cutting edge, and was frowned upon in the department. However, one of our Clients was generating the best income, and the Client I dealt with directly was the third best income despite a very low commission rate. 

The head of the department was focused on new, smaller clients because they could charge more.  However, the volumes were much lower, so they never matched our income.  But he needed staff members to do the new work. So he took people from our team. 

We dwindled to me and my colleague.  With repeated promises of help.  We struggled very hard.  I was much less aware of myself back then, so I didn't stick up for myself or my team.

Despite the lack of staff and being overburdened our collections never suffered.  I was collecting as much as the other rival companies.  Pretty much my colleague and I  could juggle the work and avoid major disasters.  However, I did have a bad habit of making mistakes.  This is when I really developed an issue with errors.  I'd make typos or miss stuff.  I was trying to do as much as I could, as quickly as I could and keep moving. But I'd still make mistakes as I hated checking things.

I still wake up now, thinking of mistakes I've made. Really shameful about stuff I did.  I remember having to type all my own letters, and I'd started and restated this particular letter. I printed and sent it.  When someone complained and sent it to my boss.  It contained spelling mistake, typos and made absolutely no grammatical sense. I feel deep shame admitting this - but I want to spotlight the shame.

Another time I'd drafted a document that has errors. To be told of this by another department that I had to amend it as it was my error. Again, deep shame.

I can genuinely say that those errors were due to a reduction in staff, too much work and no support or understanding from my boss.  But I feel terribly guilty.... Even two decades later.  It's no coincidence that it was during this time that I was first diagnosed with depression and had counseling for the first time.

Eventually, I found another job.  About three weeks after I handed in my notice they made the whole department redundant.  Apparently, we'd not been cost effective for a while.  Although we'd been billing lots, the Clients just weren't paying. This was something that the management were at fault for. They should have been aware of this and fixed it.

I also became aware of others who were struggling. A colleague -actually a friend of mine - had gotten in trouble for sitting on some cases.  She'd but known how to deal with them and ignored them..... for two years.  They'd been discovered, eventually. 

Another team was doing some quite technical work and basically noone had a clue how to deal with it. They simply kept moving any court hearing dates forward to avoid having to deal with matters. But this cost the company £50 each time. 

Then I heard of a guy who I'd always thought to be brilliant at his job.  He moved to a fantastic role at a different company.  I was very jealous of him at the time.  His ex-girlfriend confessed that he wasn't very good and quite often brought files home to burn the evidence of his incompetence.

Despite being stories of other people being human and making errors, I couldn't shake that shame. I know that this was my C-PTSD at work.  The situation was also fuelling my C-PTSD as it was continually injuring me, eroding my self esteem.

We had a farewell party.  My former boss said to me "I never blamed you for anything that happened". I always thought it was a strange thing to say, and also not sufficient to help me come to terms with what happened and how had damaged me.

[Snookiebookie2]

Continued from previous entry

The job I went to was very boring.  There wasn't enough to do. I hated it!  I only stayed six months.
I got a new job in a different area of work.  I felt quite at home, even though I was in a male dominated office.  I kind of revelled in being the token girl.

We basically taught ourselves the job.  We have mentors we could ask for guidance but we were all left to own devices.  I'm quite organised and methodical, so I ensured all cases were dealt with promptly and regularly.

Our supplier decided to audit us after I'd been there for six months.  They were very unhappy.  Things, in general, were slapdash. The firm got s roasting. However, they singled me or for praise.  They liked my approach of regularly reviewing cases.

We were all told that our cases should be reviewed every six weeks at a minimum.  A list of cases older than this would be circulated monthly. I would have one or two on the list. Others would have massive lists. I became annoyed at their attitude. When the boss was out they'd post football!  One guy would intentionally not deal with items of work. He'd be finished by 4pm each day and read his newspaper.  I moaned to the boss (who I considered my friend) about this - to be told "nothing I can do about it".

Ironically, it was the guy who'd read his newspaper who got promoted. I'd been passed over as I came across a bit nervous and shy when asked about it.

I pushed hard to be promoted and was eventually given it. But I had to move to the middle of a busy office. It had previously been suggested I could work from my desk in the corner of the office, as it was accepted that I was nervous and there was no need to upset me. But once I got promotion I had to move.

I hated my new desk. Some of the most disruptive people worked by me.  I remember one day struggling to get everything done but the two guys to my right spent an hour tying pink ribbon to a fan, as they wanted to see it blowing in the breeze created by the fan.  Again, I wasn't very assertive. I was bullied into changing my lunch break to the 12 noon break.  Again, I grumbled to my friend who was the boss - to be dismissed.

When I got promoted, I should have dropped the number of cases I had. I should have dropped half of them. Partly through shame, and partly through a sense of duty I kept far too many.  Hence I struggled. I fell ill with a cold and took time off.

When I returned to work, I pushed myself to catch up.  I remember catching up by then end of the week. But I didn't want to go back on Monday (this is similar to how I currently feel).  I took more time off.

I returned again.  I felt trapped on a treadmill. If I was at work, I could just about keep the work moving. As soon as stopped I slipped behind.  I was coming early and working lunches and struggling (again this echoes what's happening now). Yet the guys near me seemed to be taking it easy and chatting loads

As I set to trying to catch up, I felt a wave of emotion wash over me.  I lost the plot! I burst into tears.  I went to speak to my friend - the boss. He'd understand. He'd help. He'd make it okay. 

He took me out of the office. I was out in one of the partners offices whilst he was on holiday. I was left there, on my own, to get on with things.

Each morning the boss would come in with my days work.  One morning, when my spirits were very low, I was crying when he came in. Big fat tears rolling down my face. He looked at me, gave my work and left. He was no longer my friend, I knew that now.

I was eventually moved teams. My new boss thought I was brilliant.  I felt like damaged goods. 
My old boss came to me one day with one of my files.  I'd missed £200 that I should have included. It was a genuine mistake. I admitted immediately.  He left with a very disappointed look on his face. Bear in mind, this is one mistake in two years. If also brought in £35k of income that they hadn't expected.

I was also chatting to the head of the department and he accused me of ignoring an instruction. I claimed that what I'd done was before his global instruction was issued.   I was really struggling. I was really overwhelmed. And now I felt they were nitpicking.

Things had changed in the 12 months or so since the audit. Now I felt like I was useless.  I went sick for a couple of weeks. And eventually found a new job.

Now, I didn't want to leave my friend, my former boss without trying to clear the air. I didn't know what I'd done to upset him.  He was horrible.  He made it quite clear that he didn't want to know.  He said "I wouldn't mind but you were a really good worker".    I had nightmares about this for years.

I still see this guy around town every so often.  It is very triggering for me.  I get a knot in my stomach and just want the ground to swallow me up.  I'd love one day to stop and ask how we could go from being good drinking buddies to him being like this.

It's funny, because we began passing each other quite regularly recently.  But he must have altered his route or routine as I haven't seen him for a few months.  Maybe it bothers him too.

[Snookiebookie2]

Continued from previous entry

I never liked the next job I took. I was taken in desperation.  On my first day, I was day down with a printed booklet with an explanation of the legislation. I was to read this to teach myself the job!  I did get about an hour at the end of the day sat with my team leader.

My second day, I was asked to do the work and he'd check it. I worked under my own stream and passed him the work to check.  I did this for weeks. Only to later find out he'd just filed it!

The other girl that had started on the other team on the same day as me was having someone going through her queries on a one to one basis.  These sessions would be at least weekly and could last an hour or more.  The thing was that whilst there was some core work we all dealt with, there was such a variety of work we did get. I constantly felt unsure. Now I'll accept that my anxiety makes feel like that, the was a lot ambiguity in the job.

I eventually stuck up for myself. I spoke to my boss, and compared myself to the other girl and the amount of help she got.  He agreed to do a daily session at 9.30 each morning. By dealing with it daily, there wouldn't be many queries and so would be easier to deal with. 

He made me feel stupid when I did speak to him.  I understand it's important to think for yourself, but sometimes I just didn't know the answer.  Sometimes it was off putting asking.

I moved teams after maternity leave. That team leader wouldn't allow me to send any work out until he'd checked it. I could understand this but it was weeks and weeks until he checked it. 

If I was unsure of something and tried asking him a simple question, he'd proceed to tell me how busy he was.  It was like the third degree sometimes. At an appraisal he told me I was high maintenance.

I was moved to a third team during a big change. That team leader wanted all queries in writing.  I remember one day compiling a note for him. I set out the facts of the case. I set out my questions/queries. I gave my ideas to show I was thinking about the issues and but being needy.  I set out bullet points that needed answers or permissions. I sent it back with the word "yes" written on it.   There were things that needed more than a yes or no answer!!! Very frustrating.

I don't remember many mistake happening there. But I do remember feeling like I never knew what to do, I'd had issues with all my team leaders with regards to gaining knowledge and confidence (i.e. training).

I moved on again....

[Not Alone]

Snookie,
If I were to synopsize what you you wrote, I would say, "Snookie is a very good, diligent, conscience, hard worker. She is human and occasionally makes mistakes. She has worked in very stressful, unsupported work environments."

With cPTSD, it seems that things in the here and now, sometimes make a beeline to the pool of difficult feelings from our pasts.

Working through my work issues
I still wake up now, thinking of mistakes I've made. Really shameful about stuff I did. . .  I feel deep shame admitting this - but I want to spotlight the shame.

Shame is such an awful feeling. I wish I had a way to make it go away for you, for me, for all of us.

Continued from previous entry
I moaned to the boss (who I considered my friend) about this - to be told "nothing I can do about it".

Ironically, it was the guy who'd read his newspaper who got promoted. I'd been passed over as I came across a bit nervous and shy when asked about it.

Being ignored, being passed over-----upsetting in the here and now and extremely triggering to the past.

Continued from previous entry
Now, I didn't want to leave my friend, my former boss without trying to clear the air. I didn't know what I'd done to upset him.  He was horrible.  He made it quite clear that he didn't want to know.  He said "I wouldn't mind but you were a really good worker".    I had nightmares about this for years.

I still see this guy around town every so often.  It is very triggering for me.  I get a knot in my stomach and just want the ground to swallow me up.  I'd love one day to stop and ask how we could go from being good drinking buddies to him being like this.

It's funny, because we began passing each other quite regularly recently.  But he must have altered his route or routine as I haven't seen him for a few months.  Maybe it bothers him too.

I also have a friend who I used to be very close to, who I run into occasionally. When that happens or when I just think of her, the pain is sharp and deep. I imagine (?) that would be true of everyone, but for those of us with such deep childhood wounds, the pain of rejections &/or abandonment is excruciating.

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time right now, Snookie. I hope you get in to see your T soon. That sounds like a positive thing to do for yourself.

[sanmagic7]

work stuff can be so devastating.  i feel for you, snookie.  like notalone, i wish i could take those awful feelings away, wrap them up, toss them into the universe to be disposed of. 

right now all i can offer is much love and a hug full of support and compassion.   

[Snookiebookie2]

Continued from previous entry

My next job was brilliant to start with.  It was a role I'd done before.  Originally it started out as a job share.  When my opposite number was away, I battled to do both our work.  It wasn't returned when I was off.  So it was decided that we'd work independently of each other.

Interestingly she made some kind of  grievance claim after she left the firm.

I worked the days a week by this time.  I didn't mind the four day break, but it was a long slog to catch my tail each week. Only to catch up on Friday, just as my week was coming to an end.  I changed my hours to a few hours per day.  That helped.

I felt totally inadequate by now. Full on Imposter Syndrome.  Struggling with my mum and my daughter by this point.   

I had flashes of doing well. Being in the top five for getting clients in. And I was always in the top half for income.   All this in spite of me doing less hours.

I only remember one or two errors.  I did speak to the partner of the department about one mistake. We sorted it, and she was fine with it.

I also spotted other people's mistakes. I remember taking a call for a colleague and she'd completely missed a big section of the claim.  I passed her a message. She never ever dealt with it.  I also realised that a colleague was extremely behind - at least two months behind with his work. But he never brought this to anyone attention.

The main reason I didn't stay get here was simple: I didn't feel like I fitted in.  There were lots of women around my age or a little younger.  I just didn't seem to be gel. I felt awkward.  I remember that this was when my mum was particular bad at making me feel bad for the way I dressed.  I remember me comparing myself to these girls and how they looked.

A couple of the girls were doing really well. They'd been guided through the process of taking a case a very long way. The thought of this overwhelmed me. And besides Is not been picked to take a case so far. I felt inadequate.

I also realised that I developed quite bad anxiety.  I became self conscious making calls, particularly if people were nearby listening.

I did get picked as the employee of the month once. For good client care and  dealing with work with a smile on my face.  My team leader actually scoffed at that last part, indicating that I was far too serious.

We used to have random audits on our cases.  I can't remember having any serious issues flagged up.  I had inherited a file from a colleague. It wasn't in a bad state but wasn't how it should be either.  I set to dealing with the issues and slowly fixed them.    One month this file for selected for audit and the person who I'd inherited the file from was doing the audit. She was scathing! Saying I clearly had issues and listing everything that was wrong - some of the items she'd listed just didn't make sense.   

I spoke to my team leader. He reviewed it himself and agreed with me.  He wrote and amended audit and sent to the audit team. 

It started to feel that overwhelming feeling again.  I appreciate that this is probably rumination, but I felt all encompassing. 

When I resigned the head of the team was quite upset. She actually turned up to my leaving do, she had never done that when people left.

[Snookiebookie2]

Continued from previous entry

The next job I took was the one before my current one. It's similar to what I do now, but with bills for different kinds of work.

I was supposed to be trained by two people.  One took me to one side for a couple of hours on a couple of occasion. I picked that work up really quickly. The other person was very busy, but never made any time. I got just one hour with him.

I tried doing the work, and asking him to check it.  I thought that was working. Then I realised he was sending out even though it was wrong. Or he was correcting it himself.  I'd never learn.

I grumbled to my supervisor who grumbled to his boss. The answer came back, it was up to me to shout at him until he did what I needed him to.  He had been ignoring me anyway. But it was my fault for not shouting! And no one was going to help me!  I was in the verge of leaving.

It was only when another newbie was having problems in her role that things changed.  She understood the bits of my job that I didn't send vice versa. We rejigged our jobs and I felt much better. Incidentally, she had problems with the same guy that I had, and just as little support.

I was doing okay for about a year or so. Then I noticed that I was feeling depressed again. Partly work, partly home life/mother issues.  I saw my GP and was referred for CBT and put on a long waiting list.

The system for billing changed around this time, and it was making it harder.  I reached out to my supervisor for support and input.  I did this a few times. Sometimes she ask for a list or a spreadsheet. Is obliged and provide the data. She'd try to put me off.  However, when my other colleague needed help, even with personal, non work issues, she jump up and help.  I felt unlikable because this

It was around this time I turned 40.  I was given some earrings from a group collection.  I couldn't help comparing it to the gifts my colleague had received when she turned 30 a few months earlier.  I have recently got rid of the earrings as they still upset me.

Eventually I got fobbed off one too many times. I went over head of my supervisor. I even had some suggestions to make. I got some help, but some of my suggestions were rejected.

My supervisor made lots of snidey comments after that. She said she had no knowledge what had been agreed. Or if she was still my supervisor   it was clear she was upset and that I couldn't ask her for help again.

She eventually made herself redundant.  During her serving her notice, my colleague found another job, for the same money.  Somehow, she managed a 10% payrise.  I am sure that my supervisor had a hand in this. What is even worse is that she told me about it.

I obviously told her that I wanted the same. To which she said I was a b***h.  I didn't deserve a rise as my job was easy.  I accept her job was more technical, but I had to collect money from individuals whereas a single agency paid her claims. She'd had numerous complaints made against her (attitude), whereas I could manage people's expectations. Our collective were more or less equal, despite me being part time and get being full time.  She had loads of support, whereas for the most part I sorted my own issues.

The worst thing was that she made out the rise wasn't that much and wouldn't be much of I had been given the same. Classic gaslighting!

I kept my mouth shut. But eventually spoke to someone. My colleague got told off for bullying me.  I was ultimately sent to Coventry by everyone in my area of the office.

Then one day I text my husband about my colleague. I could have said lots of things, lots of rude, mean things. But didn't - it was just a bland message. Sadly in my stressed out state I sent the message to her by mistake!!!  I spoke to someone about it and went home in tears.

I took two weeks off of work.  I wanted longer but was scared that I would lose my job. It was awful! No one had done my work.

Eventually my supervisor left and we got a new one.  I felt undervalued. That 10% are away at me. I would never get another rise whilst I was there.

My new supervisor could see my organizational skills and asked if I wanted to work with him.  I said I couldn't do both roles and expected a rise.  I said as much to the main boss.  I also said that someone should inform my colleague, but I was ignored.

I was told that when I return from leave, I'd be training someone to do my job.  I pointed out we'd but discussed my job description, payrise and informed my colleague. They gave me some flannel about it all being in the pipeline.

I returned from holiday. No one knew about my job move. My colleague had been told by email. She pulled me into meeting. Asking if I was her boss. That's all she was bothered about!! 

I didn't even know what to tell everyone else. My survivor was out for three days. I just had three days to survive. I set to training the new member of staff.  I immediately hit a problem. No one had set any systems up. And I didn't know how.  My colleagues were less than helpful.    I muddled through and sorted an email address and access to the database.

When I started training her, I realised my supervisor had gotten a credit controller in.  This was a technical billing job.  I broke it down for her as best as possible.

Obviously I wasn't there in the afternoon. I'd just returned from leave and hadn't been given much notice before I went in leave. So I'd not had much chance to prepare for her arrival.

Overnight I felt concerned. I phoned my boss on Tuesday morning just before I arrived at work.  His instructions were to carry on as planned.

When I got in, my colleague was angry about how the afternoon had gone. She seemed to threaten me with calling our boss.  I tried to explain that I'd
Spoken to him shortly before. She got very cross and picked up the phone to call him. 

I couldn't understand what was wrong. I was following instructions. It wasn't down to me that the situation had been made difficult. I tried to carry on.

I then received an email. It took me a while to realise that I wasn't the intended recipient. The email was from one colleague about me. It had been sent to me in error. I phoned my supervisor  and he asked for the email.

We then received an email from our supervisor telling us off, like a grumpy dad telling children off. I was really annoyed. I knew there was no support.

Apparently we were a team, and I couldn't expect "clear blue sky" between my work and their work.  He was basically saying I still had to do some of my old job as well as my new role. This wasn't what I wanted. I wouldn't have agreed to that. I began to feel totally manipulated.

When he came in next, he told both of us off. He did get my colleague to agree to me moving to work with him and promise to accept it.   I tried telling my boss a couple of times about how anxious I was. I'd even been given sleeping pills by my GP. He told me that he would make me too busy to worry! I tried explaining it wasn't "worry" but an anxiety disorder. He didn't listen

At one point I was covering  my colleagues payments, training another member of staff and taking a share of reception duties. I worked two full time days to help out.  I started with a chest infection

I was then told that when my colleague returned I was to work with my supervisor as he was struggling. Again I pointed out that they were getting me to do the work without discussing or sorting out money. I was fobbed off again

I spent the next few months juggling lots of work. All difficult bills came to me. My colleagues refused to deal with lots of things that I had previously done. They'd petulantly dump it on my desk.  They were awkward and obstructive. Ml

Eventually I succumbed to the chest infection. I was coughing up blood. I was l away for about 10 days. I felt utterly broken when I returned. My colleague got chatting to me. I tried put my point of view forward and explain l how I felt.  She kept l saying "I was sick" "you're not well".  I think she was manipulating me.  She also told me then, and a few times after that she'd demanded a 10% patriae herself for the extra work they expected but I only deserved a payrise because they'd promised one.  Apparently I'd not taken on any extra work! My supervisor even told me that I wasn't doing two jobs at once. But I definitely was dealing with tasks from both roles. It was difficult and pressured to have responsibility for work from both roles and most people expecting their work to take precedence.

I was also being pressured by the accountant to fix errors on sage that dated back two, three and four years. She told me I had three months to do it. Non negotiable.  NB They were still fixing those problems five years later with two accounting staff working on it!

I was on the edge of coping. Then one day when doing my job of reconciling the bank, I saw it. My colleague had been given the demanded 10% payrise!

I spoke to my family who urged me speak to my supervisor.  I'd been robbed off so many times with regards to my payrise. When I called my supervisor, I asked about my rise. He told me that there was a problem, noone was getting a rise. I checked that with him. He confirmed it. I said I knew it wasn't true. He hit the roof, said I'd breached confidentiality. 

Scared I emailed the head boss who promised to call me. But then said it wasn't appropriate. The email would become a greivance.

The outcome of the grievance was that I'd misunderstood the fact that is get a payrise, that I did have too many duties and I should get a job description. There were suggestions about my mental health.

When I returned to work my supervisor had been promoted, but I still reported to him.   He never sorted a job description in the further five years I was there. They never sorted occupational health as recommended. I only had one appraisal in those five years, but never received any paperwork before or after.

Details of my grievance were circulated as part of a questionnaire that required input from several members of staff.  It misrepresented the outcome.

I was bullied, belittled and put on by the Accountant for years.  I was so cross one day I went looking for statement from others during my grievance. My supervisor tried to prove that is set out to find evidence of the payrise. This way true. Incidentally, when my colleague got unfettered access to the bank account the first thing she did was check everyone's salary details.  My supervisor also said I was rubbish at the job - even though he'd hardly spent any time with me.  And he didn't take into account that in my last month at least 1/3 of the billing was done by me. I"d reconciled the bank up to date and brought all invoices up to date.

My first colleague and the accountant said they had to do my work and did more of my work than I did. The head boss denied that he'd discussed a payrise. They had all lied

It hurt. But it wasn't fair because it meant I'd never win.

I did get told in subsequent years that I was amazing or did a brilliant job.  But I couldn't trust them. I felt utterly crushed. And spent a further five years feeling that way

[Snookiebookie2]

Final entry on this subject

So we're up to the present day.

This employer has been better. I've had two appraisals, with associated paperwork. I have a job description, which is updated when new tasks are added. They have given my first (inflationary) patriae for seven years. I've earned two bonuses for being employee of the month.

What I don't like is the staff are in the teens, twenties and thirties. I've just turned 48. So they think it's all about banter and jokes. There's more focus on fitting in and joining in on the fun.


I've never been part of the 'IT' crowd.  I am a little too dysfunctional.  My social anxiety is quite bad. I also miss a lot of the social cues, I inadvertently can seem rude.  I also like different stuff to the popular stuff. I like rock music, punk, tattoo, piercing. I also like theatre and Shakespeare. I like documentaries and dramas.  Not the weirdest of things, but I do get blank looks quite often.

So quite often I can't but help that I don't fit it. 

I also didn't like that at interview I was told I was doing the complex bills. For a colleague to grumble and get to keep it. I've only been asked to do it because I've shown that I'm good, and he's not done well. It's like they have no plans and are just reacting.

What have done well?
I've learned the system.
I've set up my own systems so work is pushed through quickly and nothing is forgotten
I've reviewed all cases
I've identified some "controversial" cases and dealt with some - waiting instructions on remainder
At its best I reduced the outstanding by 77%
Most of the debt is under six months
Until recently all bills dealt with in 24 hours
Until money claimed in 24 hours of money being allocated
Dealing with all correspondence on the complex cases within 48 hours
Submitted claims on at least six complex cases in the three months I've dealt with them.

What I'm struggling with
Too much work
Mistakes - see below
Too many time consuming technical bills
Problems with new database
Colleagues not doing what they should - storing documents, inputting data at inception of claim. Not sending their paperwork, or replying to emails
Debt has risen to £130k

I've made mistakes.  Such as not ticking the correct box on the computer. Or not noticing that the computer hasn't saved data properly.  I recently came across a claim where for some reason it hadn't included VAT. It should do this automatically. It's not something I would ever think of checking! These I consider genuine mistake.

But then there are careless errors. I almost missed two dates on two different complex bills.   This is due to rushing. I have fixed both of these, but they shouldn't happen in the first place

I've also incorrectly did a claim, knocking off 60 minutes for a lunch break. It was then pointed out to me the form clearly says "worked through lunch".  What on earth was I thinking?  This made quite a difference to the bottom line and made me look stupid!

Another case is where I was told we'd been granted permission for something. I was told permission had been granted. I asked for a document to prove this. I checked page 2, where that l information is. It wasn't until afterwards when I got some conflicting information when I rechecked the document, it jumped out at me. Page 1 of the document clearly says permission is refused.  It's not my responsibility to get this paperwork in order, but had spotted it earlier it would have been easier. We've other documents we can possibly use to sort this. But if not then it'll be up to those who sent us the work to sort or pay the fee. But I missed it and could have avoided all this hassle.

I have, however, dealt with some difficult and faffy bills that have been abandoned because they got too hard. I've picked them up, and they've been fixed and paid.  I can think of at least £15k of cases that I inherited and fixed.

I emailed both supervisors.  One was like "were all busy" and "we all have a bit of a backlog in our emails".  He has also promised to email people to support me and he hasn't.  I feel ignored.

The other supervisor had listened. But she is little cold. I did suggest (well threaten) to go sick. I honestly feel exhausted.  She said she didn't want to sound funny but that would only make it worse for me.  That kind felt like a bit of a threat back at me. But she did say to me to look at what I have achieved. And that any errors that I occur due to me being too busy, we will just deal with them.

It genuinely feels like there's too much to deal with.

In light of what happened before, at previous jobs is hard to keep calm.

I keep adding up all the mistake I've made at all my jobs. Remembering all the times I didn't respond or act quickly enough. All the times I've been told I'm wrong. All those times I've been bullied or not stood up for myself.

[Snowdrop]

I think you've worked very hard in toxic environments that were unsupportive. I know how stressful that can be.

I think anyone would make mistakes in these circumstances. The difference is that you care, and take responsibility. I think that's to your credit as so many other people don't. You have done so many things well.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. Sending you much love and support.

[Snookiebookie2]

Hey Notalone, San and Snowdrop.  Many, many thanks for your replies.

Many thanks for taking the time and effort to read/peruse/skim through my very lengthy and detailed  posts. That in itself means a lot.

Thanks for your support x

[Snookiebookie2]

So last night I slept fitfully. Worrying about work.  I thought about emailing my (head) supervisor (the male one).  I should have monthly meetings and haven't had one in ages. I have a few cases I'm worried about, could do with discussing what I focus on this month and need to know about the new incoming work/staff thats coming in February.  So that seemed like a plan.

Work didn't seem too bad.  I even managed to get a colleague to understand what difficulties I'm having with the new system.   He has set an appointment to talk these problems through and my proposals for changing them.

Bouyed up by this progress I emailed my head supervisor and set out my reasons for needing a meeting (using the reasons above).  It is clear I need to discuss January's work and that I'm planning for changes in February.

He replied saying his diary is busy for first two weeks.  He has suggested 20th January.   That's three weeks away!  The month will almost be over. And I'll only have two weeks to prepare for the new work.

I simply have to get out of there!