Snookie's journal

[owl25]

Hi Snookie, I don't think we've met yet, I just wanted to say hello 

Your work situation sounds incredibly stressful. It sounds like your direct supervisor may be someone you can talk to? Maybe try to keep working with her to find a solution.  it's tough when work is a place of dysfunction.

[marta1234]

Hey Snookie, I hear you and I'm so sorry you're having this much trouble at work and not being listened for speaking about your mental health. I wanted to send a supportive hug, if it's ok.
And please take care x

[Snookiebookie2]

Hi Owl25 

Nice to meet you. And thank you for your comments.

Marta,

Many thanks for the supportive hug.

*********

So my direct supervisor called me on Tuesday. She'd spoken to a senior member of staff who'd offered to be my 'go to' person. They'd both said that given the complex nature of the work, the amount of work, lack of support and  zero training that they didn't want me worrying if the wheels came off on a case, so to speak. Obviously they don't want to to happen all the time, but as long as I learn from it, they'll back me. They wouldn't go as far as saying that they'd do anything to keep me happy, but they do want to keep me happy.

This all seemed fine. I just needed to email the senior member of staff to get the ball rolling. So I thought I'd think about it overnight.

When I logged on, my head boss had thanked me for a problem that I'd solved and suggested we restart our monthly meetings! 

What! You've ignored my emails for months. Cancelled on me several  times. Not kept in touch. And out of the blue suggested we start having meetings.

So I'm waiting for confirmation as when we can have a video meeting. I'm would like to tell him what is been like for the past six months and how difficult things have been and how I felt 'left to it'. 

Yesterday, my most difficult case that was close to being settled took an unexpected turn. Everyone has missed something on it - including me, but the main problem is the agency who pays.  This was a very very stressful day, due to this. But I did well accepting it for what it is.

I flagged the problem up with my head boss, expecting him to ignore me or to kick off. He simply acknowledged my email, and asked I keep him informed.

Today is a very quiet day. I finished my work early, so I'm shamelessly skiving! There have been many days where I've done extra work for free, so today, I'm taking back that time. I need to purge some of the angst that I've been feeling for months.

[Snookiebookie2]

Feeling a bit done with lockdown today.  Need connection

Suffering from 'whats the f@@$%^g point' thinking.

Inner critic is strong.   I'm fat, ugly, useless. Need a boost.

[Snowdrop]

I've just seen your post, Snookie. I'm sorry you were feeling down, and I hope you're feeling better today.

[Not Alone]

Sending care to you. 

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you Snowdrop and notalone x

*************

Every so often I get random memories that pop back in to my head.  They're  not flashbacks really, just me remembering stuff. But I do have certain emotions that are associated with specific memories.

And with the benefit of hindsight and having a good understanding of my cptsd, I can now appraise the situation differently.  And sometimes its startling  that I am seeing it from a different anfle for the first time.  It's  a revelation.

For example this week I remembered when I was hospitalized with a severe chest infection and my asthma when I was 6.   I was taken to hospital in an ambulance and I remember the room seemingly being crowded by people treating me (this is a very blurry image).

I was taken to the ward where I fell asleep. When I woke they'd erected an oxygen tent around my bed.  I cried so much that they had to take it down. My mum wasn't happy with me telling me that it was meant to help me. She has referred to the incident a few tines since too.

For years I've felt it was wrong or bad of me to do that. But this time when I remembered it, I actually realized it was natural for a 6 year old to be frightened.  And given the fact that it had been done without my knowledge,  to wake up and find I'd effectively been put in a plastic bubble, isolated from everyone.

I googled oxygen tents when I had the memory and it does look awful for a child to be in one.  Its a giant plastic sheet hung from poles and tucked under the mattress to keep the air in. They also used warm or humid oxygen  and I remember feeling hot and sticky which made me panic more.

My mum should have been soothing and protective.  But she was more worried about the fuss i was making.  For so many years I have felt bad about this whilst now I realise, with compassion, that 6 year old me was just very scared, alone and hadn't had anything explauned to me.

I think I've now released the negative emotion that come with that memory.

[Snowdrop]

That would have been scary for anyone, let alone a 6 year old. Little Snookie deserved compassion and kindness, and to be told she was safe. She did nothing wrong.

[Not Alone]

My mum should have been soothing and protective.  But she was more worried about the fuss i was making.  For so many years I have felt bad about this whilst now I realise, with compassion, that 6 year old me was just very scared, alone and hadn't had anything explauned to me.

She should have been soothing and protective. I'm sorry you didn't receive the comfort that you needed and deserved.

[Snookiebookie2]

During a guided meditation (which I won't be using again) it suggested that I visualise my fear.  I went back to being a young child (around 4-6 years old). My parents were shouting at me for something minor that I'd done. They were so angry, their faces contorted. They were so intense. I felt deep shame. I so inadequate at being a human being.

I carry that feeling everyday. I'm scared of re-enacting that scene.  I don't want anyone to make me feel like that again. But people have made me feel like that - compounding my fear.

This is why I have perfectionism. This is why mistakes are sooooooo terrible. They're reminders of how bad and useless I really am. They're threats of someone treating like my parents did.

I just want approval. I just want safety. I just want to be a good person and be loved.

[marta1234]

  I know this is not enough but sending you a gentle hug if it's ok.
I hear you Snookie, I really do. I'm so sorry you have that fear, and unfortunately, I feel I have the same. And for me, this fear also comes around when strangers or just people that take that stance of chiding me for a mistake. I hear you and what you need. I'm sorry you didn't have that, the safety and love. But you can get support from here (this forum) and acceptance.
Any case, hope you feel better

[Hope67]

Hi Snookie, I also wanted to send you a gentle hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Snookiebookie2]

Marta & Hope

Many thanks for your replies and hugs X

******************

Following an anxiety spike mid week last week, I've done some reflecting.  I've realized that on top of being hypervigilant etc, my inner child is constantly craving approval.

I recently started having catch up meetings with my head boss. This was something I insisted on, given the complex nature of my job. I need a space to discuss problems and difficult cases.

But I still had anxiety and negative feelings. During a therapy session my T suggested that it was these new sessions that were creating the feelings. She suggested it was reminding me of similar past experiences where I'd been judged harshly.  I think she was spot on.

We decided that once my meetings became more regular then the feelings would subside.  This made sense.

Each month there announce two people for recognition - an employee of the month.  I've been picked twice in two years. But each month, when the award is announced I have such a bad reaction. To be honest I get angry inside and feel very very resentful.  This isn't a good reflection on me, but that how I feel.  I then feel invisible, overlooked, taken for granted and simply not good enough.

Some months it's been the junior clerks who've won for printing documents! And one won three months running! I'm dealing with technical and difficult stuff; trying to clear stuff that historically hasn't been handle properly. And I'm overlooked.

I did soon realise that it was usually the 'in crowd' who won. So if you were liked by, or friends with one of those who choose the award then you'll be picked.

My daughter also pointed out that sometimes the award is given to members of staff who are difficult, to pacify them.  And, yes, I can see that has happened. But it make me look very sour and resentful (again these are emotions that I AM feeling).

Whilst doing my daily journal, it struck me that a number of times this week that external people have been grateful and impressed by my work.  So the lesson is, approval comes from different sources. This has offset the feelings I felt mid week.

I then realised how desperately I want my head boss to approve of me. Hence why having meetings with him are anxiety-provoking.  He might not approve. He might judge.  This fear of being negatively judged is constant presence.  I often find my thoughts drifting to what this boss will think of what I'm doing. When things are difficult, then I worry how , he'll judge me.  I'm constantly waiting for him to praise me.

I can be addicted to praise. Yes, I'm a praise-junkie!! It's something I became aware of many years ago, and I coined the phrase "praise-junkie" during therapy.   I'll often take on too much just to please. I'll over stretch myself. So I suppose it's people pleasing. It's also like an automatic thought too - it just bubbles up, out of nowhere. Or is constantly ticking away in the background.

[rainydiary]

Snookie,

Your reflections about work resonate with me.  My work also has in the past done an employee of the month and the "winner" is always an "in" crowd.  I want to be recognized and seen and heard too.  I'm not sure that award would actually do it for me but I also crave external validation since I never had it growing up.

I appreciate that you are noticing these things about yourself and taking what steps you can to work with it.  I hope that you find some ease.  Thank you for sharing. 

[Snookiebookie2]

Rainydiary

Thank you so much for your comments. Your validation and support is really appreciated.

***********************

I've just broken up for holiday.  Literally the last thing I did has gone wrong.   The third party I was dealing with has messed up. I pre-agreed something subject to an amendment.   She has changed something different to what I expected and now that could cause problems! 

I email her to point out it's still wrong.  No reply.  I called, no reply.  So I emailed my head boss because I knew that I'd worry.  He said I have done everything to cover myself and can't do anymore. He said I should try and enjoy my break.

Now I'm worried that I'm coming across as intense and crazy.

We had our fortnightly catch up this week.  And I could see myself on the zoom call.  Oh, I look so wound up! And I sound soooo serious.  I noticed how much I apologise and justify.  I must be such a bind

I have noticed my thoughts so much this week.  How sour and twisted they sound.  The worse case scenario is I'm becoming paranoid.  At best my Generalized Anxiety is really playing up. I need to switch off or I'll burn out, make myself ill and have a breakdown!!!! My thinking has become very dark, irrational and slightly more distorted. I'm no longer sure what's real any more - how things really are. This is a combination of a rampant and vicious inner critic and a very scared and threatened innet inner child. 

My work, isolation and working from home triggered my c-PTSD,  big time. Ironically the lack of quiet time is a problem too - hubby and daughter are constantly pestering and bickering with me.

There....at least feel better for a vent.

Now to focus on not ruminating on work and on relaxing and enjoying my annual leave.  And in September I have arranged to work in the office 1 day per week. I am proud of arranging that - I am aware how easy it is to give into avoidance with my Social anxiety.   My daughter should be back at school too, so I'll get a bit more head space. So change is coming, which offers some hope...