Snookie's journal

Started by Snookiebookie2, October 16, 2019, 01:18:53 AM

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Snookiebookie2

Hi San

Thank you for your reply.  Sooo appreciated x

I know that it reflects what kind of person my head boss is. He is insecure as he was lashing out at me on purpose to push me away. He should just have communicated to me instead of being mean and rude. 

My direct supervisor also said that I shouldn't take it to heart too. That the problem is with him and not me.

I think you are correct in your assessment of why someone is coming in a team leader. And it'll cut down on contact with the horrible head boss.

I have been applying for other jobs and have an interview on Tuesday.   I'm ambivalent about it.  It's four full days per week whereas I only work 4 hours for 5 days.  I like my current hours, it helps my anxiety.   The job was full time and they've offered 4 days instead,  so it's unlikely they'll drop to less.  I'm so fed up where I am but it's comfortable. 

I suppose I have to wait to see how the interview goes.  I may do appallingly and not get the job. So not point worrying about it.

marta1234

Snookie, good luck for your interview today!  :hug: Sending you support for everything you're enduring at work and also for applying to new jobs. If it's ok for me to say so, I'll be there extending my hand, before and after the interview; whatever happens.  :hug:

Snookiebookie2

It's been a tough day.

I've had a couple of cases, where I haven't necessarily done anything wrong, looking with the benefit of hindsight, I should have done something differently or dealt with them better. 

Then I have a case where I've been going around in circles, very frustrating.  I have no one I can refer my problem cases to either. 

Finally I'm  trying to make a claim on a really old case and I'm feeling my way as it's the first time that I've done this.

Feeling overwhelmed.  And inadequate. Things aren't perfect.  I feel exposed, that I may be trouble.   

Although I'm overwhelmed,  I'm not in melt down though...which is kind of positive.

I'm struggling with my back pain, that I've had for years.  My lower right ribs are really really sore. The pain is radiating right through to my abdomen.   I had an MRI scan at the beginning of the year and it showed degenerative changes (I'm getting old).  I need some injections, but the NHS is putting treatments like this on hold.

The rib and abdomen pain is getting worse. It's soooo sore. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about, but I am.  I keep meaning to call my GP, but keep thinking they'll say I just have to put up with it, or that I'm overthinking it.  But I'm fed up of being in pain.

Snookiebookie2

Better day at work today. Quieter and more productive.

Visited GP who said she thinks the pain is coming from my ribs.  She's prescribed alternative pain killers and and a antacid (as she thought ibuprofen may be irritating my stomach).  I'm having blood tests, an ultrasound and an Xray.  Very thorough.

I'm glad I went. The fact that I was in pain when she examined me justified going.  I some times think I'm just being feeble.

Snookiebookie2

I was very fortunate, and I had a good festive break. In fact one my best Christmases. It was so nice and easy going. Such a contrast to previous years when my mum or daughter would cause so much friction.

Sadly, I had to work today, but at least I can work from home.  I discovered some cases that I didn't know about as they were under a code we don't usually use.  I'm not sure why these weren't on the correct code.  We inherited these cases in February and I have only just become aware of them. One is quite a large amount so I'm hoping that there are no adverse effects by me only just becoming aware of it.  The other 4 are overpaid, so there's no urgency to sort those. I'm trying so hard not to beat myself up..
But its hard.  I really need to work on my self esteem and perfectionism.

I feel very alone at work.  I've never been supervised.  I don't really have anyone I can bounce things off. Training is non existent.   I'm teaching myself and also trying to work out best practice too.  I feel very threatened if anything goes awry.   I have had problems for over a year and it never seems to get any better.

I found the afternoon hard as my husband is playing up.  I suspect he has some form of ADHD as well as OCD traits.  He can be quite stubborn and hard work at times.  And if you try and discuss how he's acting a barrier comes down.   I try to be patient with him as he cannot help how he is.  He has set patterns of behaviour.  But it's very hard as he's very childlike.   And he will not be as as accommodating with my anxiety or CPTSD.  It feels very much like a one way street. He can be very draining and anger provoking.

Snookiebookie2

Just come here to lurk... and sulk. 

Finding it difficult at the moment.   All the usual stuff: lockdown, back pain, lack of support and training at work, working from my bedroom, being in close proximity to people but not seeing other people for months etc.  Finding the news and social media triggering, so trying to avoid that.   

Found out from blood tests I'm vitamin d3 and b9 deficient, so that doesn't help.

Having an early night with some easygoing TV. :zzz:

Hope67

Hi Snookiebookie,

I hope you were able to get a better night's sleep.  I know you had an early night.

I was reading what you wrote about feeling very alone at work, and that you don't get training or supervision - that must be really hard. 

Sending you a hug of support, if that's ok  :hug:

Hope  :)

Snookiebookie2

Thanks for checking in Hope.

Yes I did get a good night's sleep thank you.


Snookiebookie2

Not having a very good day. Not having a good time of it at the moment.

My back has been causing me pain for some time.  It's really caused me some problems recently. I had injections into the nerves of the spine on Friday. I've been resting up since. As a result I've not been able to go out for a walk for a week (I had to self isolate from Tuesday).   I feel very cooped up. Thankfully I've had a walk today.

I'm not sure I'm feeling much pain relief.  I'm sure a chest x-ray and abdominal scan later this week.

I woke up this morning feeling quite emotional and worried about work.  It turned out to be a horrible day. Lots of difficult queries from difficult people. I've don't really have anyone I can ask. It's left to me to try and find out the answer.  Not support.

They decided to recruit someone to deal with similar work on other bills. That person would have been quite high up, and would have become  my supervisor. But the person who they offered that job to, turned it down.

Even when they recruit someone, they'll probably not know how my job works.  So I'll have to teach them before they can help me.

Mid morning I had so much stuff and emotions running around my head. I literally felt dizzy with it - possibly a bit of dissociation.  I couldn't think for about 10 minutes.

I thought about speaking to my direct supervisor. But I had my appraisal last week and it was decided that we'd just have to hang in there until the new person starts and takes over as my supervisor.

I spent so much of the morning feeling frightened and crying.   I really shouldn't feel like this.  Then I felt that it was all my fault. Feel like I haven't dealt with any of this correctly. Then beat myself up and felt stupid. 

Oh, my head hurts. But sure if I'm making sense.

I've emailed my therapist for an appointment.  But now I'm worried she'll just judge me

mojay

Dear Snookie, thank you for sharing with us! It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Great job on emailing your therapist even though you are worried about her reaction, that's a really self-caring thing you've done for yourself :) I think it is also a good way to get some support.

Work sounds like a real mixed bag with the new person coming in. I noticed you mentioned your worries over work so I wanted to quote this to you, I think it shows how capable you truly are despite the difficulties you have faced:
Quote from: Snookiebookie2 on November 23, 2020, 01:36:37 PM
I feel like I've come in a pretty much come in with very little training or support.  I've reduced the outstanding debt, the age of the outstanding cases and got systems in place to keep things moving. I've solved so many of the difficult cases by myself.  I have pretty much trained myself the difficult bills although theres so much I'm still unsure of.
I have faith in you! I truly hope the new person is able to aid you with those questions and give you the support you need to keep doing wonderful work.

It sounds like your inner critic was a terror this morning! I also go through the awful cycle of feeling frightened/anxious, blaming myself/second guessing myself, then beating myself up for having a problem in the first place. I wish I had more words of wisdom, it must be a very hard situation to balance everything and I really feel for you. I hope that your therapist is able to offer you some support in lieu of your work and your husband. Sending a hug if that's okay with you  :bighug:

sanmagic7

hey, snook,

just trying to catch up a bit.  so very sorry you're having such a rough time right now.  truly sucks. 

i've had chronic back pain for many years.  once, muscles farther up my back seized up because of the stress i was under to have surgery, and i went to the doc, asked for muscle relaxers.  he gave me nerve meds, too, but they didn't help one whit.  it was muscle pain i was feeling, not nerve pain.  perhaps you're experiencing something similar.  i hope you get some relief.

so much you're dealing with right now, i don't think it's surprising it's making you dizzy.  everything going on that you described is more than enough to knock you off balance.  hang tough, ok?  and, as one of our former members used to say, breathe.  just breathe.  you only have to get to the next minute, the next hour, the next day.  keep breathing, tho, ok?  much love and hugs full of relief :hug:

Snookiebookie2

#266
Hi San and Mojay

Thanks for your comments. It's so good to feel heard and understood.

I've had a better day since, so feel much better.

X

Snookiebookie2

#267
Just woke  from vivid bad dream.  More of an EF than anything but featured an old boss who really hurt and upset me.  Feeling pretty low now.

Not looking forward to work as am struggling.   Hating lockdown.  Feel like a pretty useless unlikeable piece of rubbish. (I kinda know that's my CPTSD talking, but I still feel yukky).

And I've not heard back from my therapist after emailing for an appointment this time last week. She doesn't usually take that long, and isn't the best at administration. I'm sure she doesn't mean to ignore me, but it just makes me feel she's not really interested.

sanmagic7


Snookiebookie2

Thanks San

I've got an appointment with my T on Wednesday.  Phew....I  think I need it.