Snookie's journal

Started by Snookiebookie2, October 16, 2019, 01:18:53 AM

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Perplex

Quote from: Snookiebookie2 on November 13, 2019, 08:50:52 PM
I had  frustrating afternoon,  that was almost frightening.   I needed to make changes to an online portal that I use for work.  After three phone calls and several emails I'd gotten nowhere. So I tried to fix the problem myself.  I made it worse! I nearly deleted my access!!  I cannot  do my job without  access.  So in panic, I had to call again and got cut off again. So I called AGAIN!

Eventually,  my access was reinstated.  Phew.  I also sorted the original problem.

I am really  feeling like I can't do right for doing wrong ATM.   The harder I try the less successful things are.  Perhaps  I should try less...

I wish I could just switch my head off for a week! And then reboot myself.

I get hassled and pestered all the time and never truly switch off.  I often think of booking a hotel nearby and just laying and watching TV for 24 or 48 hours,  alone and peaceful.   It might help reboot my brain and my mood.

I'm feeling run down. I'm suffering from blurred vision in one eye, dizziness and vertigo.   I almost passed out.  I'm assuming it's stress or tiredness. Or too much cortisol or adrenaline.

So I'm having a lazy evening......a bit of self care
That all sounds really tiring and frustrating... I hope you will take the time to practice that self care a bit. It's deserved after such a long day.

Snookiebookie2

Another mixed day.

Finally got some help.   I've trained a colleague to fo some routine tasks   this should free up about 30-45 minutes per day. 

But....I've found some more mistakes!!!  My perfectionism is terrible!!!  I've made 7 mistakes in the last 4 months.  That's more than the last 12 months.  I feel useless!

I'm hoping that I can pull it all back on track with this help that I've got.  But I'm worried that people will lose faith in me or I'll get in trouble.

I don't think that I'm switching off properly.   With the new email system it's so easy to log in to check. And my perfectionism is making me do this all the time!! 

I know I need to forget about work when I'm not there. So that I'm at my best when I'm there.  But I feel quite dissociated at the moment.   I feel like I'm loosing my mind. It's quite frightening really.  I even forgot my PIN number (which I've had for years).  I'm doing things twice, or forgetting  them totally.....

:fallingbricks:  :fallingbricks:  :fallingbricks:  :fallingbricks:

Snowdrop

My memory can go a bit wobbly when I'm dissociated too. You're not alone in that.

I'm glad you've trained a colleague to free you up, but it still sounds as though you're under a lot of stress. Would more self-care this evening help?

Sending you love and hugs. :hug:

Three Roses

When I'm stressed my memory goes to 💩. You're not alone. And that amount of errors seems very, very low! Hang in there.

Snookiebookie2

Snowdrop & Three Roses thank you for your comments.

I did do an evening of self care. I've also made s decision to switch off from work every day when I get home.  Which is difficult when I'm still ruminating from the day.  But I'm not working from home anymore, and will try to resist the urge to check emails.

I need to focus on the positives that I've achieved.  I've reduced the debt by 75%. I've set up procedures that mean most fees are paid in 3-6 months (if not less).  Due to my reviews I have identified any errors and oversights by my predecesdors which have never come to light due to lack of system and due to apathy.  I have resolved most of these errors. 

Yes, I have made stupid and silly mistakes.  This is simply due to being triggered.  I am triggered because things feel out of control.  This has happened due to three things 1)  taking on more involved technical work 2) time off - a backlog of work accrues when I'm not there. So I have to work harder/faster to catch up as work is constantly flowing in 3) the amount of work has increased.

I need to keep in mind that the errors are simple admin errors. They are mainly typos, me not spotting something or clicking on the wrong box on the computer.  As soon as I spot the errors I correct it and notify all relevant parties (I am obliged to do this and I think that this is the most triggering part as I have to basically tell someone that I am not good enough to get it right). 

Thank you Three Roses for saying it's a low amount of errors. My ICr does not believe this, but it has made me realise that I may be catastrophising and only seeing the bad things. 

I do think these errors make me a bad worker, and a bad person.  I do realize how irrational that sounds, but that's the feeling I get.  I understand this is a throwback (emotional flashback) to my parents - who talked about being perfect and strongly criticised me for the smallest things.

I remember bring berated for having scruffy (but legible) handwriting.  Being shouted at to the point of tears because I was only on my five times tables, whereas my best friend was on her seven times tables, and someone was on the nine times tables.  Why wasn't I on the same as them?   It was all comparisons.  It was all about being the best, and staying the best.  There was no quarter given.  There was no understanding or compassion. No leeway.

This is why some silly mistakes have shaken me so much.  Shaken my world.

I have been through this before. But this time I understand the mechanism.  I can deal with this.  I will survive. Now I am aware, I have taken action and will continue to take action.

Snowdrop

This sounds very insightful and positive, Snookie. I echo what Three Roses said: those aren't many errors at all. You've also noticed them and fixed them. :applause:

One thing that helps me if I'm being overly critical of myself is to reimagine the situation so that it's about someone else. If someone else had been in that situation, made that mistake etc, I would be understanding and feel compassion towards them. This helps me to feel that same understanding and compassion towards myself and ease up a bit.

I hope today goes well.

Three Roses

I heard something that helped me with my perfectionism, I'll share it with you - we were watching a show about how football referees are trained and their instructor said, "Perfection is not attainable, but excellence is; excellence is the relentless pursuit of perfection."  So in my book, that makes you excellent, because you're looking for a high standard. Hope that helps.
:heythere:

Snookiebookie2

So I've had a couple of productive days at work. My colleague has really helped and I have made some progress.  It's still busy and hard work, but I've made more progress than I wouldn't have done without the extra help.

However, we've heard that one of our rival companies is folding, and we're taking on some of their work and staff.  This means even more work for me, but one of their staff will become my assistant.  I will be responsible and in charge of organising all of the work, and I will take on the most involved and complex work. This is a massive endorsement.  :cheer:

I messaged my husband to tell him the news. He immediately told an old colleague of mine at another rival company.   As we're all in the same industry, we all know each other and everyone talks to everyone, so gossip spreads fast and rumours are rife.  I'm now worried that information that I was given in confidence may be circulating just because my husband couldn't help himself!! If it gets back to my employers that the rumours came via me, then they will be upset with me. I still can't understand why he did this. It's mind boggling.  :Idunno:

He has apologised, but I was so cross I couldn't speak to him. When I tried to explain he just wouldn't listen. He just kept saying it would be okay, or that he'd already apologised.

I didn't shout or get angry, but I did sulk for about an hour. He then said I was out of order for sulking with him.  I said that I was in my rights in being upset and that I couldn't understand why he'd contacted my old colleague out of the blue to pass on that kind of information. I explained that I know her better than him, and that she's a massive gossip.

He eventually seemed to understand and then looked crushed and upset.  I feel bad now. I feel like I have manipulated him into feeling terrible. This makes me feel like a bully. I feel like my bullying mum, who used to manipulate people to see things from her point of view.  :fallingbricks: :stars: ??? :blink:

Three Roses

If I may say this, I'd like to point out that maybe he might need to feel appropriately regretful so he won't repeat the error. There's a balance there, between "bullying" and letting him completely off the hook. If you told him how you felt, I think that's appropriate, and it's also appropriate to give yourself permission to feel the accompanying emotions, and to allow him to feel his. That's my opinion anyway.  :yes:

sanmagic7

 :yeahthat:

i totally agree w/ 3r here, snookie.  too often we've let people off the hook, and i don't believe you bullied or manipulated him at all.  personally, i don't think it was ok for him to spread info from you to someone else w/o your permission.  i've had that happen to me too many times, and often it felt like betrayal of trust.  here's hoping he doesn't do something like that again.

love and hugs :hug:

Snookiebookie2

Thank you San and 3R, your validation is appreciated.  :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

Snookiebookie2

#56
Another frustrating work week.

We switch databases next week. Luckily for me I have used it before.  I know how I would have set it up and tried putting my point of view forward when I had a meeting with the suppliers a few months ago. They said it could be automated so I left it with them and a colleague.

We go live on Monday and I had my training session on Wednesday morning.  Only to find that they had to make changes whilst we were going through the training.  The session was only supposed to be an hour long and we were still changing things after 50 minutes. 

Annoyingly the receptionist and office junior complained that their session was delayed and that they were busy and had stuff to do. Well, so do I and my session hadn't finished due to no fault of mine. So irritating.

Eventually we rattled through it all. I realised that all the processes are automated and I have no way of changing that. The way I'd originally proposed would have meant I could have chosen when certain events happen and change and update during the life of the case.  Again, irritating but not the end of the world.

But as we're migrating to the new system, it's going to think all existing cases are overdue and email me a reminder every 14 days until they're billed. So that a lot of emails.  I could ignore these emails, but for cases that are added to the system they will have reminders that I should deal with as they're not on my current system of monitoring.  Whilst I could just ignore all emails from the new system and continue with my own system, there is no point in having both systems.

I feel so overwhelmed.  I don't know how to organise it all and I have told a few people, but no one seems to understand.

Also, I think that my colleagues and people who I bill for have become blasé. They're not sending me the necessary documents, or uploading to the database, or replying to my requests for information.  I've got loads of outstanding bills which is unusual. The number of bills has gone up but I've noticed that more bills are missing the necessary documents for them to be paid. So I emailed to flag this up with my supervisor.  He emailed me asking some questions. He accepted that had promised to do an email on my behalf a while ago, but had forgotten.

I thought I could do an email to all parties to explain what I needed, but need to check with my supervisor first.  Rather than spending time  exchanging emails with my supervisor I asked him for a five minute chat.  He looked really annoyed and asked if it was urgent. I tried to explain that I was trying to save time for both of us.  He stood up looking really annoyed and we went for our chat.

He looked really annoyed throughout.  I whizzed through what I wanted to say and explained why I was raising it. I offered to draft an email to everyone to sort. He agreed.  But I'm angry as I took up literally 7 minutes of his time and I did the email in the end - something he should have done.

And finally, I'm finding my daughter very annoying. Three times in the last day she had asked me for favours, which I've agreed to. But shortly after she's been argumentative or plain rude.  So I sat her down this morning to point this out and explained that if it continued then when she asked for the next favour the answer would be a resounding no.

Then later today we were discussing something that we disagreed on.  I googled the answer and she was wrong. She carried on justifying what she said, and saying the wrong thing. I kept drawing her attention to what google said.  She just couldn't accept she was wrong over a really small piece of trivia. I found she was arguing for the sake of it and was trying to convince me I was wrong when I could see I wasn't.  I tried to explain this to her. Only to be scoffed and sneered at for arguing over a small thing. I pointed out that she was the one arguing. To be told I was harping on and but letting it drop. This is a tactic my husband uses to deflect when we argue, so I found it intensely irritating. 

I'm fed up with people trying to manipulate me, pass the buck, not appreciate how I feel, be confrontational, not accept fault, blame or that they got it wrong, or that they're being selfish, unfair or unreasonable.  When I was alone I just burst in to tears to release some of the bottled up emotions.


sanmagic7

i hear you on being fed up w/ people who will not be accountable, not accept the reality of the situation and put it on our shoulders. :fallingbricks:  it totally sucks.  very frustrating.  i'm glad you were able to release some of that frustration thru what sounds like cleansing tears.

and the incident w/ your super, well, again.  so very sorry you've been experiencing this crapola, snookie.  hang tough, ok?  people can be so annoying themselves.  sending love and a hug full of care and compassion :hug:

Snookiebookie2

San,

Many thanks for your words and hug. I really needed a hug x

Snookiebookie2

My weekend got off to a weird start, as I had one of my visual migraines but in the middle of the night. Visual migraines are new to me.  I don't get a headache but I do get a kaleidoscope of colours and sparkles in my vision for approximately 20 minutes.

My optician says my eyes are healthy and the "images" are generated in my brain. It's due to same mechanism as "normal" migraines which are caused due to change in blood flow.

So in the dark of 2am I'm treated to sparkles.  True to form all throughout Saturday I don't feel quite right - a bit foggy headed.  I'm sure these are caused by stress. I'm certain it happens when my senses are all over stimulated.  The first couple happened at rock concerts, where it was loud, flashing lights and I was super excited.

Anyhow, due to the after effects, I decided to try to take it easy.  I did my cleaning, but only very quickly and put my feet up. My hubby wasn't feeling well so he'd decided to not work overtime.  When he felt better we had a gentle still and stopped for a snack and s coffee. It was nice to have some quality time.

My daughter had arranged a sleep over and it was the first time in 2 years hubby and I had the house to ourselves. We had some nice food and snacks in front of the TV.

Despite this peace and quiet, I kept having recurrent intrusive thoughts.  I kept flashing back to how my supervisor was on Friday.  I felt he was very annoyed and disappointed in me. 

He had approved the email that I drafted but he was so brief in his reply.  This has made me feel stupid for asking him to approve it in the first place. However, as I'm basically setting out some guidelines to those who I bill for, I thought it best to be approved by the head of our team, i.e my supervisor.

I thought of other things where that I may need to flag up in the next week. I know that there are at least two or three things I may have to email him about.  I'm not looking forward to doing that. And it's causing me anxiety.

He has never really had to spend much time dealing with me.  Since taking on the more complex work I have to have two or three catch up meetings and we've had a couple chats about a particularly complex case.

So Friday was only the second time that I've actually asked to speak to him. I made it clear it'd be five minutes (I timed it and it took 7).

Usually he is mild mannered, if a little bit quiet.  I really like the guy and actually have a little crush on him (although I have no intention of it going anywhere).    It was the first time he was grouchy with me and it was clear he was impatient.

I kept having flashbacks throughout Saturday. And my mind is having conversations and arguments that haven't happened yet. It's gone in to problem solving mode and I'm having imaginary conversations and getting quite tense at the emotions it generates.

I'm trying to be mindful of when it's happening and pull myself to the here and now, but I'm very upset now.

I feel that I'm not in control at work. That I'm too busy and overwhelmed. The new system that comes in tomorrow could really throw my organisation out the window.  The way I'd usually deal with this is to talk to someone.... i.e my supervisor!!! Thankfully, I'm kind of part of two teams, so I may be able to speak to the other supervisor.

TRIGGER WARNING

It's made me feel so unhappy. It the first time in ages that I've had suicidal ideation.  I wouldn't take action, as I have my daughter to think about.  But it's a sign as to how highly triggered I am.  And how much I'm dealing with.

I'm trying to remember that maybe my supervisor is under stress too. And that he's at fault for making me feel that I shouldn't bother him.  I have also realised that he doesn't get involved in technical or difficult things.  He likes to have his day smooth running and stay that way as much as possible.  As the head of the team he should understand that there are times he has to react and step up.