Snookie's journal

[Snowdrop]

As the head of the team he should understand that there are times he has to react and step up.

Absolutely! He may feel under stress, but he's being paid to take more responsibility and should do so. You're doing the right thing.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I hope it goes well with the new system.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you Snowdrop, I appreciate your reply.

I slept fitfully last night.  I really wanted to hide away this morning.

The new system wasn't as bad as I expected.  It will not deal with the old stuff from the new system.  So I can use my old system for that stuff, and the new processes on the new system for the new stuff.  I hope that makes sense.  It is a lot to do, but more handle-able. 

We have 13 new members joining us though - I will need help.  I am now waiting to see when the powers that be decide to discuss all this.

I am shattered.  I should know by now that when I get like this, nine times out of ten everything turns out okay and I have lost sleep for nothing.  I am genuinely concerned that I am damaging my health with my thought processes.

[Snowdrop]

If it helps, I can objectively say that getting a new system can be very stressful. Just using it for the new stuff sounds sensible.

I hope you slept better last night.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you Snowdrop.   I did sleep better thank you.

The dreaded automatic reminders dropped in today on the new system.  Most of these will repeat again in 14 days, so I've  just deleted the reminders. My intention is to start dealing with them when they drop again in 14 days.  I'll try to get rid of a lot of my old system before then.  Then I'll just rely on the automatic reminders  from then on.

Made progress today with lots of tasks at work.  I've got a few worrying items which I hope to sort in the next few days.

My boss has pencilled in a chat tomorrow to discuss how we deal with new members and the increase in work.

[Snookiebookie2]

Hard going day at work, and in general. I don't want to think about work at the moment, I'm sick of it. My boss was to busy to chat - totally fed up. This is a confrontation brewing......

Instead I'm going to focus on things that have made feel happy.  It's winter here, and cold and flu season. So on an evening I've relished getting in my PJs. And snuggling into my lovely soft dressing gown with big fluffy socks. Then I've cuddled a hot water bottle whilst watching one of my favourite programmes curled up in the sofa. Or perhaps dozed off whilst my cat had laid out across my chest.

Top this off with some nice warm toast dripping with lovely salty butter and a cup of green tea with lemon grass.

None of this is lavish, but to me it feels indulgent.  It has given me a sense of safety too.  It's been very soothing as well.

[Snookiebookie2]

So work had been tough.

I've been aware that it's been tough.  I've tried to work out why. The number of claims of increased. Other people haven't done their job properly, so the documents I need for my job just aren't there. People are responding slower to my requests, or ignoring me. We've changed our email system and have just changed our database. I've had meetings so I've been away from my desk. I've also taken most of my annual leave in the last third of the year. Then I took on the complex and difficult claims.

In the face of it I've had a good reason to struggle.  But in spite of it I've been triggered by it. I've been panicked by it to be brutally honest. I've feel very vulnerable - threatened and unsafe. Good old CPTSD.   I've noticed an increase in my generalised anxiety symptoms. My rumination has been a full pelt.  I've felt full of cortisol and adrenaline most of the time. As a consequence my sleep had been disturbed and it's been difficult to relax.

We have 13 new members joining us in February, almost doubling my workload! On of my supervisors and his boss wanted to chat to me about how I saw things going.  I was surprised to find that they'd already decided that I needed help, even before the new members had joined us.  This made me feel like a failure but as my comments above show, there are genuine reasons for it. But more importantly, they accept them and agree.

They said that they were impressed with the way I worked and my systems.  They agree I need a full time member to support me. It's up to me how we organise things. They are keen not to upset me too. The new person won't be with me until February and they told me not to be thinking/worrying about things.  Although I know that I will completely forget this, and I probably will worry!!!

[Snookiebookie2]

I knew I'd worry!

It's the early hours. I've done extra hours at work today, but I'm overflowing still.

I can't cope.

I want to walk away. I don't want to be here. I'm highly triggered.

I've not slept

I can't see a way out of the mess everything is in.  I need three pairs of hands.

I'm drowning in work. The new system is causing problems.  Others have caused me problems. 

I'm panicking

I will see how tomorrow pans out, but I think I need to talk to someone.  Something has to change... And soon

[Snowdrop]

Oh Snookie . I'm sorry you were so triggered in the night. It does sound as though something needs to be done.

Have you reread your previous journal entry? In the last paragraph, you said they were impressed with you (quite right!) and you didn't need to worry.

I hope you were able to get some sleep.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you for post Snowdrop x


I know that I was told not to worry and that they're impressed.  I know that I'm being irrational but I'm worried because soon I won't be doing such a good job because I'm so busy.  I'm firefighting.

I was going to speak to one of my supervisors but both were working from home today (typical!).  I was hesitant at emailing them about it as I felt it was a face to face conversation.   

I was struggling throughout the morning and kept thinking that I should send the email.   Just as I though I  might get somewhere I got an influx of work, including a really complex email from one of my supervisors.   That was the last straw..

I emailed my supervisors, apologising for the fact I was emailing them at home.  I explained that I was struggling and that it was affecting me, my mood and anxiety levels.  I said I would carry on as best I could but wanted them to know.

One supervisor apologised for not being there.  She offered assistance of one of my colleagues.

The other supervisor said that were all busy and have to accept a bit of a backlog situation.   I found this to be unhelpful but my hubby didn't think there was anything wrong with his comments.   It made me feel like I was overreacting and expected special treatment.   I was trying to explain that I'm not processing the work as quickly,  efficiently and thoroughly as before and that they needed to know this and that the worry was getting to me.

We exchanged a few more emails and it transpired that a new member of staff is starting in February.  But we're getting 13 more people to work for in February too.

It's also been suggested that I go to work in one of the conference rooms as I do struggle with all the others in the office as it's hard to concentrate and triggers my social anxiety.   Finally an email is to be issued to ask everyone to be patient with me.

I feel like I've failed but I've tried hard.   I feel like I've overreacted when I was trying to do the right thing and keep them informed.

I now intend to take a sleeping pill to try and get some rest.  X

[Snowdrop]

I don't think you've failed. Getting a new system is stressful for anyone, let alone when you have cptsd to contend with as well. I think you did exactly the right thing in emailing your supervisors.

I hope you sleep better tonight. Sending love and hugs.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you Snowdrop 

[Snookiebookie2]

Today I spoke with one of my two supervisors.  This particular supervisor is much more easy to approach than my other supervisor.   I explained to her in much detail how how my workload is.   

I explained to her that a couple of months ago I was on top of all elements of my work, however in the last 2 to 3 months I seem to have slowly slipped behind.   I have more items outstanding than ever and I've not reviewed or chased anything for at least 2 weeks. 

I also explained how I was feeling emotionally - that is I am drained tired and frustrated. 

I also I told her that had emailed both her and the other supervisor because of how I was feeling.   I made a point of explaining that I don't complain very often and therefore if I was complaining than it was was really really necessary for me to flag up an issue. She agreed.  She also agreed that the response of the other supervisor was a little flippant and not very much help.   I was very reassured by this comment as I felt that he had not been interested.  I also told my supervisor that the other supervisor had been very unsupportive on several issues.  Again she agreed with me that he should be supportive as  he is the overall supervisor for the team and the office. She said that she'd had similar grumbles and complaints from other people about him.   I explained to this supervisor that I was struggling and I had noticed certain things that I have not dealt with correctly that could become issues in the future.  I told her that this upsets me very much and that it triggered my anxiety. I am worried  that I may get into trouble or even be sacked or disciplined.   I told her that that these problems were being caused by not having sufficient time time to deal with things and due to an increase in volume of work.   I made it very clear to her how frustrated and demotivated I felt. She offered sympathy.  Unfortunately there is no solution at the moment and it may be that I have to carry on as this for some time.  She did however point out that they're more than aware that I'm capable of doing the job and that any shortfalls are shortcomings is down to the situation rather than me as a person as worker.   I wanted her to be aware that it will soon be obvious that I am having difficulties as it will affect income and and people will start noticing that claims are not being cleared as quickly. She accepted this.

I made her aware that the other supervisor had agreed to email everybody to make them aware of the situatio. However as at today's date he hasn't done that.  She was in total agreement that he should step up a bit more to support me and should follow through on what on what he promises to do.  And that you should take notice of me when I asked for his input    I told her that I don't expect him to do all of the work when I do ask for his input,  but I offer to do part of the work such as drafting emails and correspondence for him to approve. So when I do ask for his assistance I am at least doing some of the work for him. Yet he still seems to have no time for me. On a couple of occasions even not even had time for a 5-minute chat! This makes me feel like I am not worth spending time on.  It makes me feel is not interested in me as a person.  It also makes me feel that all the problems are mine, and mine alone to fix.

I do feel a little bit more reassured from speaking to the female supervisor.  And it was nice to rent some negative emotions that have been generated by the female supervisor and his attitude.

I now have a day's leave which means I have a nice long weekend to look forward to.  I'm looking forward to having some downtime.

I'm hoping I can relax however I seem to be suffering with my visual migraines and dizziness again.  I can't but help worry that this is a sign of a serious illness.  But I know that it is probably just the anxiety and the excess cortisol and adrenaline that's in my system. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, snookie,

i don't see you as a failure.  we all have setbacks where our symptoms want to run the show and make it difficult for us to do what we want.  but, then, that's why those fears are called irrational - they don't necessarily make sense, aren't logical, but they're there just the same.

good for you for talking to your supervisors.  sounds like self-care to me.     i hope you get some rest and relaxation w/ your extra day off.  and, using something to help you sleep, well, i do that every nite.  sleep makes all the difference.  sending love and a hug full of *aaaaah*. . .

[Snookiebookie2]

Thanks for the words of support, San. 

*******

I had a great long weekend.  I switched off from work immediately on Thursday.  It was election night here in the UK and I was absolutely fascinated with all the coverage so that was a good distraction on Thursday night/Friday morning. 

I met my daughter from school on Friday evening and we ate out and she did her last minute Christmas shopping.  Nice to spend some quality time together.  My husband was not working on Saturday, which is unusual.  So he took me out for breakfast and a cup of coffee and bun later on. 

It was my work's Christmas party and I usually hate these kind of things.  I only go because you can take a guest.  I wouldn't go without my husband.  I did find myself catastrophising about some things (why are they not talking to me etc....) but for the most part I managed to relax.  I even got up on the dance floor and really let my hair down - although I had some excruciating  thoughts at the memory of it the morning after.    I sat with a work colleague quite a bit of the night as she struggles with anxiety and body image issues, and would not get up to dance as she is so self conscious.   I wanted her to feel that I wasn't totally abandoning her and kept going to sit with her.  I think some of my work colleagues saw me in a different light, which cannot hurt. 

I was a little worse for wear on Sunday morning.  Not quite hung over, but definitely struggling!  Thankfully, I didn't have much to do.  I went to the cinema with my daughter and really enjoyed that, well all apart from the ruminating.  Monday morning was looming on the horizon, and I was definitely not looking forward to it.  It effected me from about midday.

Surprisingly, I didn't have any problems in sleeping.  I think I was totally exhausted, from the worry, from the excessive socialising and from over indulging.  So thankfully I had good night's sleep.

I found a really horrible email in my in box this morning.  So I am really glad that I did not check my emails this weekend.  I had had an email from a former member of staff a week or so ago.  I sent it to my (male) supervisor as he is the head of that team.  He said he would think about how to reply.  He has not replied.  I was due to chase him this morning.  But instead I have received a snotty chase email.  So I emailed my supervisor who asked me to deal with the email!!!  He asked me to give a little summary of each case.  The reason I have not done that already is because before I came, no one dealt with the two cases properly and whatever I say, it will be obvious that we have let this person down.  It is not my fault in anyway, as it all  happened before I worked there.  But I am trying to deal with things tactfully and not show that the firm has been lacking. 

Anyway, I drafted a reply, which I sent to my supervisor for approval.  He has approved it and it has been sent.  But I don't think this is the last we have heard of it.  I just feel so ignored.  I know when things are likely to kick off - and I always point this out.  I hate it when I am overlooked and ignored.

I was so riled about this that I almost walked out of the building.  I did let my other (female) supervisor know how cross I was.  She agreed that I done what I should. 

I also had a morning where lots of things seemed to be wrong.  This was a bit depressing, as I suffer really badly with my perfectionism.  However, when I looked into all of these things, I had not done anything wrong.  I have informed the relevant parties of the problems, and now just have to wait to have them corrected.

I am so fed up that things feel like this at the moment.  Although there is a glimmer of hope.  I have managed to clear my inbox and sort a couple of minor mistakes I made.  I have also rejigged my to-do list so that I deal with it in the next few weeks.  This is simply shifting the problem, but I feel better not having loads of reminders in bright red at one side of my inbox.

Anyway, I am looking forward to a quiet evening with a work colleague tonight....where no doubt we will do nothing but vent.

[Snookiebookie2]

Feeling quite upset.....feeling really pressured at work.

I just about caught up my in box and moved all outstanding items on my to do list on to future dates. So I started from a good place on Monday.  But today, I became bogged down with really faffy complex claims.  I reached out for help to one of our suppliers, only for them to be rude and belittling. Basically telling me it's my place to know the regulations. I felt very foolish.

Then I had lots of replies from things that were pending, that needed actioning pretty much immediately. So I was unable to clear everything and I'm starting to slip behind again.

Then we got into conversation regarding the shortcomings of the new system. I have used this system at another firm and tried putting my input when  it was being set up. However, everything is on automated systems that I cannot change.  My colleague said that if he had been me, he'd have set it up how he wanted. I felt criticised.

The system probably can be changed, but I don't have the time or the energy with everything else that's going on.

I tried confiding in my only friend. For her to point out what I'm doing wrong, and listing all sorts of things I should do. I didn't feel she was being helpful, or listening but just to shut me up.

In four weeks, we will have a new member of staff, but also lots more work.  If I speak to anyone at work and how I feel, they will just say that it's just a temporary situation.