[Snowdrop]

As the head of the team he should understand that there are times he has to react and step up.

Absolutely! He may feel under stress, but he's being paid to take more responsibility and should do so. You're doing the right thing.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I hope it goes well with the new system.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you Snowdrop, I appreciate your reply.

I slept fitfully last night.  I really wanted to hide away this morning.

The new system wasn't as bad as I expected.  It will not deal with the old stuff from the new system.  So I can use my old system for that stuff, and the new processes on the new system for the new stuff.  I hope that makes sense.  It is a lot to do, but more handle-able. 

We have 13 new members joining us though - I will need help.  I am now waiting to see when the powers that be decide to discuss all this.

I am shattered.  I should know by now that when I get like this, nine times out of ten everything turns out okay and I have lost sleep for nothing.  I am genuinely concerned that I am damaging my health with my thought processes.

[Snowdrop]

If it helps, I can objectively say that getting a new system can be very stressful. Just using it for the new stuff sounds sensible.

I hope you slept better last night.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you Snowdrop.   I did sleep better thank you.

The dreaded automatic reminders dropped in today on the new system.  Most of these will repeat again in 14 days, so I've  just deleted the reminders. My intention is to start dealing with them when they drop again in 14 days.  I'll try to get rid of a lot of my old system before then.  Then I'll just rely on the automatic reminders  from then on.

Made progress today with lots of tasks at work.  I've got a few worrying items which I hope to sort in the next few days.

My boss has pencilled in a chat tomorrow to discuss how we deal with new members and the increase in work.

[Snookiebookie2]

Hard going day at work, and in general. I don't want to think about work at the moment, I'm sick of it. My boss was to busy to chat - totally fed up. This is a confrontation brewing......

Instead I'm going to focus on things that have made feel happy.  It's winter here, and cold and flu season. So on an evening I've relished getting in my PJs. And snuggling into my lovely soft dressing gown with big fluffy socks. Then I've cuddled a hot water bottle whilst watching one of my favourite programmes curled up in the sofa. Or perhaps dozed off whilst my cat had laid out across my chest.

Top this off with some nice warm toast dripping with lovely salty butter and a cup of green tea with lemon grass.

None of this is lavish, but to me it feels indulgent.  It has given me a sense of safety too.  It's been very soothing as well.

[Snookiebookie2]

So work had been tough.

I've been aware that it's been tough.  I've tried to work out why. The number of claims of increased. Other people haven't done their job properly, so the documents I need for my job just aren't there. People are responding slower to my requests, or ignoring me. We've changed our email system and have just changed our database. I've had meetings so I've been away from my desk. I've also taken most of my annual leave in the last third of the year. Then I took on the complex and difficult claims.

In the face of it I've had a good reason to struggle.  But in spite of it I've been triggered by it. I've been panicked by it to be brutally honest. I've feel very vulnerable - threatened and unsafe. Good old CPTSD.   I've noticed an increase in my generalised anxiety symptoms. My rumination has been a full pelt.  I've felt full of cortisol and adrenaline most of the time. As a consequence my sleep had been disturbed and it's been difficult to relax.

We have 13 new members joining us in February, almost doubling my workload! On of my supervisors and his boss wanted to chat to me about how I saw things going.  I was surprised to find that they'd already decided that I needed help, even before the new members had joined us.  This made me feel like a failure but as my comments above show, there are genuine reasons for it. But more importantly, they accept them and agree.

They said that they were impressed with the way I worked and my systems.  They agree I need a full time member to support me. It's up to me how we organise things. They are keen not to upset me too. The new person won't be with me until February and they told me not to be thinking/worrying about things.  Although I know that I will completely forget this, and I probably will worry!!!