Snookie's journal

  • 236 Replies
  • 8600 Views
*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 217
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #105 on: January 13, 2020, 03:52:28 PM »
First post of 2020  :cheer:

I was pretty anxious to return to work - I felt I'd made a big mess of everything.  Actually upon returning it felt like I had blown it up out of proportion.  In fact, one of the problems, someone else kind of admitted fault for!  And I had fretted over this problem - just goes to show.

I have had a good week or so.  The incoming work has slowed, and throughout the first part of the year I managed to catch up.  I also resolved some of the issues with the new system with a colleague - who actually apologised to me as he thought he had made me uncomfortable.

I am still thinking that I am useless - so I have found an app to download and have adapted it so I can record when I do thinks well and also when thinks go wrong with work.  The idea is that I will see that problems/errors are small proportion of what I do and that the amount of outstanding work I do is more than I accept.  And yes, the stat prove this.  But I am still worrying!!!

I have had a so-so kind of day.  I have come across two things where things have not gone as they should do. One of which I inherited from someone else.  So now I a beating myself up - because things aren't perfect.  I will be able to deal with both issues tomorrow and put them on the straight and narrow.  And I have come up with plan to avoid one of the errors happening again - so I am proactive.

BUT I am feeling very wound up.  I have noticed this.  I think I may loose sleep again tonight - or find it very difficult to switch off.  I found it difficult over Xmas and New Year to switch off.  I need to find something to help. 

I also notice that it was approximately one month ago since I last lost sleep due to thinking about work.  I wonder if hormones are at play too.  I am not sure what I can do about that if they are.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6933
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #106 on: January 14, 2020, 05:04:50 AM »
hey, snookie,

isn't it too often the case that we get ourselves worked up over something, then someone steps in and relieves us of the burden we've created by speaking a few pertinent words!  i can't tell you how many times i've done just what you've described, only to hear that someone else made a mistake or took credit for a fault.  dang, these thought processes can be nasty!   :blink:

i do hope you get some sleep and whatever has you upset goes the same way as some of what you spoke about in your post.  here's hoping!   :yes:

and onward into 2020.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 217
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #107 on: February 10, 2020, 06:55:10 PM »
 :fallingbricks:
Feeling overwhelmed at work. 

Got a new colleague, but the atmosphere is stilted - don't think she likes me. Sure she likes my approach even less.  It is up to me how to do things - but still it's not pleasant.

I'm now only dealing with the complex cases.  But due to the merger, we've twice as many cases. So whilst I've lost all the easy cases to the new colleague, I've got loads and loads of difficult cases.

I'm juggling things again. Problems and errors coming to light (some are my fault, some are others, or computer glitches).  Or the cases are just so time consuming. Just feels like a thousand hands after holding me back, or holding me down.

Had catch up meeting with my boss and told him.   No suggestions.

Hubby partially supportive, but generally speaking doesn't want me to be like this. Just wants peace and quiet.

I'm feeling threatened and unsafe. I'm feeling a failure and someone who just moans and whines.

 :stars:

*

Blueberry

  • Member
  • 6631
  • 'Should' is never good for me.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #108 on: February 11, 2020, 02:06:21 AM »
Feeling threatened and unsafe in no way makes you a failure!  :hug: :hug:

*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 217
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #109 on: February 12, 2020, 10:51:26 PM »
Still very triggered. But a little less irrational.

Still feeling unsafe, threatened, inadequate.

Struggling with perfectionism - lots of negative thoughts from my inner critic.

Experiencing automatic negative thoughts. Thoughts going in circles, but going nowhere. Loosing sleep and unable to switch off. 

*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 217
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #110 on: February 15, 2020, 09:38:59 AM »
Finally been able to work out why I've been so triggered.

I've been struggling at work with the volume and complexity.  We have increased the team by 1/3 too. So we've taken on a new stater.

We've come across differnces as to how we do things. One particular issue came up on her first morning.  I explained why we didn't do it that way. She was quite insistent and a little put out.

I agreed that we would do it her way as it brought in more money.  But She kept harping on about it. I kept referring to the regulations and she kept saying her method works.

I spoke to my supervisor and we agreed the simplest solution was to go with her method.

A different colleague suggested we really ought to follow the regulations and do it correctly.   We checked the regulations and differed on what they meant. So I went back to my supervisor.

In the meantime the new colleague had quite pointedly stated that her system is working. 

She has moaned about my procedures, pointed out if there problems and repeatedly mentioned how things were done at her last place.  She had 2/3 of my work in full time hours and pretty much used a manual system.  I have loads more work and we've now got an automated system.  Yes, there are some discrepancies because we've changed databases and updated how that works.

Shes very disagreeable.  She seems to dislike my approach.

So the first issue we disagreed about has been referred to one of the management team. It looks likely that they are right that we can claim it, but we are not providing justification that the rules require.  The Management guy still wants to check it out and may even refer it higher.  My colleague is quite put out about this - insistent that the claims are being paid.  I've tried explaining that it is not a criticism on her or her old firm, we probably will continue to claim her way,  but may just add in the justification that rules require.  She repeated that clains are never rejected.  I pointed out the rules.  She said but she new the justification.

She had also riled another colleague over two separate incidents.   She had also upset one of my bosses by trying to go behind her back.  My boss brought me in for a chat (and I'd been thinking of talking to her anyway).   She is going to talk to her and insist she do things our way.

I'm now aware that shes going to be second guessing me. And on the original poinr our firm was completely wrong.  So how much else do we (or I) have wrong?  This is a worry.

My bosses want me to insist that we do it my way, as it clearly works. But as was shown by the first issue  - we may have it wrong. What happens if over time more things turn out to be wrong?  My standing will be eroded.

It's not that I was proved wrong (as was  everyone else).  Its her tone. Theres been a few things when there is an either-or answer.  She will press to do it the other way.

With mt cptsd I am finding it challenging to say the least. We're in a room on our together for 4-5 hours and the atmosphere is icy.

I'm now left with all the technical work - and not necessarily the knowledge how to deal with it. I am beginning to dislike how my job has panned out.

Apart from her resistance, the new stater had cut through the work and is keeping on top of it.  So it's likely that she'll stay.

It's no wonder I feel threatened, unliked, unsafe.

One positive though.  My husband and I had a massive argument.  I'd suggested getting a new job.  He basically replied  that I would mess that job up too!   I explained how hurtful it was and he reacted very badly.   However in the aftermath we talked and he said he'd try to listen.

A few days ago, after a particularly triggering day, he came home and just listened to me. Allowed me to explain what had happened and what emotions I was feeling.  Amazing

I do accept that I have always had emotional difficulties at what ever job I have. I react internally, always.   I've left jobs because of this. I've struggled for years in deep pain in other jobs. I totally accept the point my husband tried to make. I am a flake. But in other ways I'm not,  because I stick out. 

Apart from six months, I've been employed for 30 years.  That six months was due to taking sick leave for depression whilst on a probationary period.  I kind new that they'd terminate my employment - but I was in one of dark periods, alone and unlistened to. I took six months out to get my head in a better place. As soon as funds ran out, I got a job. And yes  I wanted to flake out of that one.

I know that I have "issues ' at work. It's not that I'm lazy,  its that it aggravates my c-ptsd.  Being with, and interacting with people is hard. Add in my perfectionism and need for approval.  Overacheiving to feel safe - then making mistakes and feeling inadequate.   All very, very hard. It all feeds back in to my c-ptsd and makes me feel that I'm a terrible person

Yet, until recently, hubby hasn't even listened, much less understood all this.  Fingers crossed he continues to listen

*

Snowdrop

  • Member
  • 1172
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #111 on: February 15, 2020, 01:36:43 PM »
This sounds like a lot, Snookie.

You're not a flake. You're carrying an injury (cptsd) and you're doing your best to carry on despite having that injury. Dealing with cptsd on top of everything else is tough.

I'm glad your husband is listening to you. :hug:

*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 217
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #112 on: February 17, 2020, 07:01:53 PM »
Thank you Snowdrop.  :thumbup:

I visited my brother and his wife yesterday. I let off some steam about my work situation.  Surprisingly they were quite constructive and understanding. My brother had previously been mean and confrontational with me. So it was a breath of fresh air that they were helpful.

I'm trying to focus on some DBT and ACT techniques, i.e. avoiding the struggle switch; being aware that fighting how things are can lead to suffering; accepting things as they are; radical acceptance; distress tolerance.

I'm experiencing some resistance though. It's rooted in my perfectionism. I'm afraid to fall short of perfect, as I believe by aiming for perfection then I am safe if things are perfect. I know that is faulty thinking, as actually if I do fall short (as we all do), then I feel very, very, very exposed, at risk, vulnerable and unsafe. As you can see, very intense negative emotions.

I've always been criticised, by my borderline father, my narcissistic-traited mother, my golden child brother or bullying survivors. So it's very demoralising and triggering when I do get it wrong.

I feel that I make silly mistakes at work. Whether they happen more than anyone else, or are sillier than anyone else,  I can't honestly say.  But I feel deep shame about them. They have stayed with me for years, sometimes decades!

I can use the rational side of my brain, and I understand that perfectionism isn't working.  I also accept that I've achieved loads and done some good work. But as soon as I discover a mistake, then my world caves in and my anxiety rockets.

I need to escape this prison that is perfectionism. But not really sure how.... I've created myself a playlist of videos in YouTube. Hopefully that'll throw up some ideas.

I'm also realising that I'm emotionally exhausted.  I'm not able to think straight. I'm forgetting things and feeling totally useless. 

Time for an early night with my YouTube playlist.

*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 217
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #113 on: February 19, 2020, 12:06:19 PM »
Just realising that I may have been dealing with something at work in the wrong way.  It's come to light due to the new starter. They evidence everything for the claim, we don't. We cover the basics.

Until recently our method has been quicker. And in my bosses eyes, it's working. But I've had two or three instances of work having been billed and claimed when it shouldn't. This wouldn't have happened using the other person's method.

I've tried to remember why I did it this way. I think I was told to use any document to upload to show we were instructed, and we couldn't be expected to provide evidence for each and every item. In fact, one colleague told me amend copy documents to add any missing info!!!  I did feel uneasy about that, and didn't do that often - and wouldn't do that now.

All the bills were accepted by the people who instructed us. And paid by the agency that we claim payment from. But it's clear that's not sufficient to safely say that it's correct.

I wasn't given any specific instructions that I needed X, Y and Z.

Despite doing what I thought what was right, I now realise that it isn't right now. I need to speak to someone about this.

It hasn't been a problem until now. I accept it needs to be fixed, at least going forward.

I'm really frightened that I will be criticised. Or even be in trouble.   And it's not doing my anxiety and self esteem any good either.

I intend to be totally honest about this. And just accept whatever happens.

It's the second time that we (as a group/company) have got it wrong.

Bear in mind that the other person, when she was at another company, had half or a third of my work in twice the hours. She had clear direction/instructions that had been shown to work. She was dealing with 80 cases in full time hours.

I came in to a 400-500 case back log. With no clear system in place. And I work 4 1/4 per day.  I've taken on the difficult cases too - with no training and a small amount of support. The workload increased by about 20% in October. We've also taken on about 13 new people who generate work for us, almost doubling the team.

As you'll see from previous posts, I have spoken to my two supervisors in the past. With not much joy.

There is an issue with some historic stuff from the 13 be people. This will make billing it even more difficult.  The straw to break my back.

I have discussed this with hubby. Who got very frustrated. He thinks I'm overreacting. Over thinking things. And that is not my fault. He had little sympathy with me and my anxious thoughts.

It's my day off. I'm unable to sleep or settle. I'm going to speak to one of my supervisors tomorrow (sadly she doesn't work Wednesdays). I'll explain all of the above - and hope her reaction isn't too bad.

I think we can come up with a new way of doing things. But I'll basically have to tell the new starter that we we're wrong, again! Very embarrassing. Not great for a working relationship either - when I've been told I'm in charge because my methods work - but clearly not!

I've no proof as to why I've done it the way I have.

Feeling very inadequate, stupid, vulnerable.

*

Snowdrop

  • Member
  • 1172
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #114 on: February 19, 2020, 12:50:54 PM »
I've felt like this in situations too. You're definitely not alone. I know you feel vulnerable, but this isn't your fault. You're not stupid.

I think you're doing the right thing being honest about it and telling someone. It takes bravery and integrity to do that, and not everybody would. :hug:

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6933
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #115 on: February 20, 2020, 01:35:46 AM »
 :yeahthat:

i agree w/ snowdrop. integrity is in short supply, and it takes courage to do what you're doing, especially feeling less than at your strongest.  we're with you on this.  hope it goes well.  sending love and a hug filled with strength :hug:

*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 217
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #116 on: February 21, 2020, 07:43:28 PM »
Thank you Snowdrop and San. I always appreciate your input and support. X

My boss seemed a little confused, as she clearly w saw things differently. I genuinely thought I'd be criticised, or be in trouble. It was totally the opposite!

She said I'd done nothing wrong. She thought I'd done a fab job. She'd left me to my own devices and I'd delivered. She also said I'd been presented with a terrible situation, with a rubbish amount of training, no supervision with limited hours. And I'd done far better than expected.

Yes, there are things what we've got wrong, but that involves several people. And yes, I've realised that I could have done one task better, but that isn't my fault. She also said I'd brought it to her attention immediately. She still thought I was doing well.

We discussed how this affects my relationship with the new starter. She could see how this can undermine my role to tell her to do things our way.  As a firm we've already been proved wing twice, but we still think our systems have some merit.  My supervisor is going to support and assist me in dealing with the new starter. She's going to stress how much pressure I was under. Effectively I've dealt with twice the work she has in half the time, with little help or training. She's going to use this as the justification for me being in charge.

I felt quite very relived. But then have been consumed by feeling stupid since. I was very dysregulated, I see that now. Totally irrational.  I looked like I wasn't coping - because I wasn't.  Hubby has since made fun of me for overreacting. But I've tried to explain that I obviously have a problem - and that needs support and understanding.

But despite feeling relieved, I'm now thinking my boss was just pacifying me!!! Oh!! Those automatic negative thoughts!!!!

In my rational moments, I know I did the right thing. It has put my mind at rest. We have a plan to deal with things

But I'm unsettled by my irrational side

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6933
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #117 on: February 22, 2020, 05:52:16 AM »
those irrational sides of ours can really knock our socks off.  i hope you know that even when you feel stupid, it doesn't mean you are.  this stuff has nothing to do w/ intelligence.  it just takes over sometimes.  i'm glad that underneath, you know you did the right thing.  love and hugs, sweetie :hug:

*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 217
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #118 on: February 23, 2020, 03:16:09 PM »
Thank you san  :hug:

*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 217
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #119 on: February 23, 2020, 03:33:37 PM »
Feeling alone today.  I often feel invisible, and that's how I feel today.

I sometimes only feel seen or relevant when I am giving part of myself. My family only cares about me when I am useful to them.  When I need something,  it's too much effort for them. They want to minimise my feelings, wants and needs.

When I reflect on how little I've  felt connected, it makes me feel sad. WhenI realise how much I've been ignored and overlooked, I get overwhelmed.  I try not to think about it, but today that feeling is sitting with me.

Yesterday, I went to buy my daughter her prom dress.  It was a perfect day.   We got the perfect dress. She looked stunning.  No arguments. No tantrums.   Just perfect.

I remembered how it was when my daughter was due to leave junior school.  She wanted a posh dress. There were tears and nastiness from my daughter.  She was manipulating me  I had no support.  Hubby just ignored my pain. My mum enabled my daughter by overruling me by buying a much more expensive dress despite her bad behaviour. She justified this as "helping me out". She actually was buying favour with daughter.  She was making me look irrational and bad.   Ironically she had to get a refund as the party was cancelled!

Comparing those two occasions, made me remember just how much hurt I've  bottled up.

I knew things were wrong back then. I knew things could be better.  But mo one listened.

Whilst I should be pleased that things are better,  I want to reflect on how trapped I felt back then.

I also want to recognize that my mum should never have made me feel that way. She disconnected from me, and me from my daughter.   And all so she looked good. That absolutely slays me. It was all so she got more love and affection than me.

I felt like a monster.  I felt like I wasn't worthy of love, of anything.  Still do. And it was all cos she put herself ahead  of me - cos she wanted more attention and affection than me.

I still find it hard to figure.  The damage she had caused me.