Snookie's journal

  • 155 Replies
  • 3355 Views
*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 128
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #135 on: March 11, 2020, 09:05:58 PM »
Oh San, bless you.

Such loving words of support and valudation.  I like you too x  :grouphug:

Just to answer your question,  my mum passed away about 4 years ago. It wasn't until about a year afterwards that I realized the damage she'd done.  I'm slowly processing that - but the point is she can't cause any more pain.

I'm also really proud of my attempts to break the cycle with my daughter.   She was well on the way to becoming quite a narcissist, but now is more understanding and considerate.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6493
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #136 on: March 13, 2020, 11:52:38 AM »
i'm just glad she can't cause you any more pain.

and well done w/ you daughter! :applause:  i think all kids start out kind of narcissistic cuz they don't know that the world doesn't revolve around them.  sounds like you've been doing some wonderful teaching with her.

love and hugs, snook :hug:

*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 128
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #137 on: March 15, 2020, 08:07:13 AM »
A bit of a hard week at work.

First I have noticed that I'm over-sharing with my colleagues.  There are 4 of us in a small room. I think I'm eager to please, so I talk to much. Hence the power-sharing.

My shame is telling me that they wont like me for this, and that I should shut the heck up! 

The conflicting emotions, i.e. my neediness and shame are destroying my self esteem.

Then, on Thursday  my head boss cancelled another meeting with me - it'd already been rearranged once.  He'd rescheduled afternoon another meeting that we're both attending with other people.   

I was so angry, but I waited before I replied to his email. When I said that I wanted a way of dealing with problems and flagging up issues without disrupting his day/week but also to avoid the frustration of being cancelled.   I also pointed out that if we were to have our meeting after the other meeting, he'd  likely have demands on his time and our concentration would be low.  He replied by saying we'd have a short meeting to discuss the way forward.  *Faceslap* So effectively this is a meeting about how were going to have a meeting, without discussing specific issues we need to discuss - those issues will be parked till later.  So I've effectively been cancelled again!

I've done this job with no real training, no real resources either. I've developed systems and found out information by myself.   The agency that I  deal with can be very difficult to get accurate information from.

On top of all that due to not having a person in place who was responsible for the work prior to me, their are many cases that fell between the cracks, and haven't been dealt with properly.  Those cases have sat around for three, four and five years.  I've resolved most of them by myself.  There are around 10-20 cases that I may need input from my head boss.

When I have approached him on an ad hoc basis, he isn't receptive, and tells me he's busy. Even when I've offered to do the work for him, with a view to him checking it so I save him time, he has let me know that I haven't got time for this.

I am feeling very angry and unimportant.  I feel ignored.  I feel unassertive - or not assertive enough.   

I am soooo fed up with the negative emotions that work had generated in me, I want to leave. But it's difficult getting the same hours and pay. I'm trapped.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6493
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #138 on: March 15, 2020, 05:18:24 PM »
sounds like you're dealing with a lot.  here to support you, let you know you've got us in your corner as you struggle to find your place and space, both at work and with others.  i know that it can sometimes be difficult to find a lane that is comfortable to be in - please, be gentle with yourself and give yourself time, ok?

sending a hug filled with love and care. :hug:

*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 128
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #139 on: March 26, 2020, 12:08:47 AM »
Suffering with a big dose of toxic shame  :fallingbricks:

I have made a few mistakes (again) at work.  I can kinda rationalise all that. But I'm trying so hard not to do this.

I've had to issue several emails to Management with priposals for policies  as to how we deal with certain issues.  These emails are detailed and long and wordy.   Twice, a colleague has replied and summarised the problem and solution much more effectively.   Thus making me feel inadequate.  I've done the hard work, but he's more effectively seen to the heart of the problem

In addition I've been working from home for nearly two weeks, my colleagues have only been working from home since yesterday.   But despite all the chaos that the current health crisis is causing my new colleague has been pointing out problem cases that I haven't sorted yet.  Again, making me feel inadequate.

I just feel I can't get anything right. I can't seem to make obvious connections or avoid problems.  I feel like I'm not functioning- and I think that's because of my c-ptsd.

I was struggling before....but with isolation,  and no prospect of support from colleagues for some time,  I feel quite hopeless. 

I need practical steps to help me feel better.  I need to shift the toxic shame, otherwise I will spiral out of control.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6493
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #140 on: March 26, 2020, 04:42:42 AM »
one thing that has been helpful is to just take a deep breath, relax, take another deep breath.  just breathe.  another thing i've done when i've had to write professional-type emails (or anything, really) is to write it out as it comes from my mind, then, take a deep breath, and read it over again.  sometimes it also helps me to read it out loud the second time.  either way, i can usually see where i want to make changes, to help me focus on what my goal is in writing, and what can be excluded in order to make it more efficient.  i hope any of that is helpful - if not, please ignore.

by the by, snook, writing is not everyone's forte.  we all don't have the same strengths.  some of us are better at one thing, others at another thing.  please let that shame slide off, if possible.  this isolation is getting to everyone in different ways.  i think you're doing the best you can, and i think having patience with and kindness toward each other (and ourselves!) is important, especially now.

keep taking care of you.  we're here with you, ok?  love and hugs, my dear. :grouphug:

*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 128
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #141 on: March 26, 2020, 06:30:30 AM »
Hi San

Thanks for your kind words.

I already use the tips you had suggested for emails. And usually I am excellent at written communication.   I spent several hours doing the emails - taking breaks, revisiting it, re-wording it, proof reading it.   Only for someone to saying better and more succinctly. So that was where the frustration lay.

I agree with you that I need to relax and be gentle on myself.

*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6493
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #142 on: March 26, 2020, 12:34:20 PM »
well, snookie, all i know is this virus has everyone going a little goofy, so please don't be hard on yourself, ok?  it is frustrating, i know.  i've had that happen many times to me, too, when i have my d read over something i've written, and she sees it thru different eyes, suggests changes, etc.  sometimes things just get away from us. 

love and hugs, my dear :hug:

*

Hope67

  • Member
  • 2045
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #143 on: March 26, 2020, 01:10:56 PM »
Hi Snookiebookie,
I read some of things you mentioned about your work, and I related to what you said very much.  I wanted to send you a supportive and safe hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 128
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #144 on: March 26, 2020, 07:02:51 PM »
Another day....another error has come to light

Feeling very low  :fallingbricks:

Thats 5 now....in the last 2 months

Feel useless  :aaauuugh:

*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 128
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #145 on: March 26, 2020, 07:03:52 PM »
It'd be nice to make it through the next day, without being triggered by a mistake

*

Blueberry

  • Member
  • 6181
  • 'Should' is never good for me.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #146 on: March 26, 2020, 09:21:08 PM »
These emails are detailed and long and wordy.   Twice, a colleague has replied and summarised the problem and solution much more effectively.   Thus making me feel inadequate.  I've done the hard work, but he's more effectively seen to the heart of the problem

One of my professions involves a lot of writing. It is much easier ime and imo to take somebody else's written work and write it 'better' and more effectively, summarise it etc. than to make it that good from scratch. You're right, you did do the hard work! In this profession of mine, there are actual mistakes you can make writing and then there is preference, taste etc. 10 different professionals would come up with 10 different versions and they would all be correct.

I just feel I can't get anything right. I can't seem to make obvious connections or avoid problems.  I feel like I'm not functioning- and I think that's because of my c-ptsd.

Feeling like not functioning could be because of cptsd. That's been my experience anyway. However, 5 errors in the last 2 months means that you get almost everything right, even if it feels as if you can't get anything right. This latter feeling of yours might be the result of an EF? What has helped me with those kind of 'feelings' has been EFT, tapping. "I accept / forgive / love myself even though I made xy mistake". EFT has been really helpful for me. There are free video instructions on doing EFT if you haven't done it before. I think somebody recently linked one that's easy to learn from, so you could search for that here on OOTS.   :hug:

*

Snookiebookie2

  • Member
  • 128
  • CPTSD is psychological and emotional injury.
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #147 on: March 26, 2020, 11:12:25 PM »
Thank you Blueberry x  :hug:


*

sanmagic7

  • Member
  • 6493
  • learn something from everything
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #148 on: March 27, 2020, 12:08:15 AM »
i've gotten more into EFT tapping lately as well, so i echo blueberry on how helpful it can be.  i use it a lot for anxiety, even when i can't find a specific reason for feeling anxious. 

and, bb's right - in 2 months, you've done things correctly 95 times out of 100.  not too shabby.  love and hugs, snook.

*

Snowdrop

  • Member
  • 840
    • View Profile
Re: Snookie's journal
« Reply #149 on: March 27, 2020, 05:37:58 AM »
Quote
I think somebody recently linked one that's easy to learn from, so you could search for that here on OOTS.

I mentioned the Tapping Solution app recently, because it includes free guided tapping for various things. You can find links to it here:
https://www.thetappingsolution.com/blog/tapping-solution-app/


Hugs to you Snookie :hug:.