Condemned to a Life not Your Own

[Silverspoon]

Hi everyone

Some time ago, and after I was diagnosed with CPTSD the words 'Condemned to a Life Not My Own' came to me. These words spoke to me. These words described how I felt to a tee. These words made my heart bleed!
Out of curiosity can anyone relate to these words?
Silverspoon

[Patticake]

Hi Silverspoon, 

I can relate quite well to what you're saying here. I feel as if I've accepted my fate of having CPTSD.  I don't know that I feel as though I am "condemned" to a life of living with this horrible condition, as much as I feel  that this is my lot in life, cards I was dealt and must play. Maybe that's the same thing as "condemned", I don 't know. It has taken
me many, many years to even reach this point. I am now acutely aware of my limitations in living with CPTSD, and I hate it.

I know that those of us who have this don't live the lives we want to.  We really can't, but do the best we can.

Thanks for posting, Silverspoon.

[woodsgnome]

I concur to an extent.

This feeling grew out of a numbness that seems to have quickly settled into my being. From my earliest experiences it was characterized by a brutal shocked confusion, prodded by everything not making sense. Everything about life seemed to close in early on. I've tried umpteen approaches to recover a sense of purpose and meaning, and yet  my daily confusion about life continues, at least in the background.

I'm doing alright, but only in the sense that I've given up on trying to resolve anything about what happened, and the effects of that right up to the present moment. Except then I contradict that by worrying about what I am doing, even the good stuff, and end up dizzy and always sad on that score.

I'm also not sure about the 'condemned' description. There are parts of me that I'm slowly liking more. I realize I was taught to hate myself, and apparently I learned that one really well. I have many reservations about things, but not being like my abusers were -- I'll take that and run with it, even into creating an entirely 'new' life.

It's the only thing I can grasp that could be equated with a sense of hope. Not a hope that I can change the past, but just a patient wandering into what feels right, for a change.

[Jazzy]

I feel very much condemned. My life has been influenced and molded from early on to be this way. I've been set up for failure in a big way since the beginning. But, I'm also stuck with it being my life. Nobody else is here living it for/with me. Especially when the loneliness gets bad, I feel trapped in this life that has been set up for me. I've also had tremendous difficulty taking control of anything in my life, like keeping up or setting new routines. It seems beyond my power until very recently, and even then, most things still seem out of my control.

I guess, that while we all have some similarity, we also have some differences.

I know that those of us who have this don't live the lives we want to.  We really can't, but do the best we can.

This really resonates with me.

[Silverspoon]

Hi Everyone
Many thanks for your posts.
Yes using the word 'condemned' poses some thought. There are various meanings for condemned in the dictionary. One that I relate to is 'force (someone) to endure'. In my mind i process my childhood as being forced to endure mental and physical trauma, year after year, after year. I know condemned is a very strong word, but i believe it suits my (and many others) situations.

For those who suffered childhood trauma, they had their persona and self-beliefs altered in their entirety, forever. Never able to live the life they were meant to. I'm not saying that things can't improve, because they truly can. I'm simply saying that this is a psychiatric fact. God have mercy on our souls!
With love to all
Silverspoon