Time to let go... Cptsd or bpd

  • 5 Replies
  • 956 Views
*

Boatsetsailrose

  • Member
  • 1427
  • Hello welcome - so glad I am here and you are too
    • View Profile
Time to let go... Cptsd or bpd
« on: October 20, 2019, 02:12:58 PM »
Oh how did I end up trying to disentangle myself fr another highly emotionally unstable person...
Ha I know because I needed to have this friendship to help me realise further :my strong boundaries, my self containment, my rights, my- I am not responsible for anyone else and just what a healthy friendship looks like.
I've long been the person who walks into a room and chooses the v person that I really shouldn't. I'm starting to see more clearly why and I'm starting to feel I have a choice.
The above said 'friend' has become much more unstable this past year. Before that I was seeing signs that weren't right for me ie lack of empathy, gas lighting, all or nothing behaviours, being projected on etc. This last Yr however even with putting in strong boundaries its not enough and I can see I've exhausted all possibilities and its time to end this relationship.
Now comes the question is the how to do it...
I am going to keep it short and direct, assertive, yet with a hint of kind.
This relationship is too emotionally charged and difficult and I need to walk away and end the relationship  .. (or words to that effect.. Anyone with experience in this area I'd be happy to hear.
My fear is of her gaslighting,
Exploding, interigating or worse doing something to herself...
Any wisdom in this please I'd like to hear

*

Three Roses

  • Member
  • 3462
  • CPTSD is an injury, not an illness.
    • View Profile
Re: Time to let go... Cptsd or bpd
« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2019, 02:55:24 PM »
First of all, I'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with this, it's never easy. But sometimes we need to do this, and I'm happy to hear you have the strength to stick up for yourself!  :applause:

I think it's best to use the "I feel" statements and not get drawn into rehashing the past. After all it's not one of two or ten things she's said or done, it's how she makes you feel.

https://www.bustle.com/articles/172378-11-ways-to-break-up-with-a-toxic-friend-no-matter-how-hard-it-seems gives some helpful advice, such as -

Quote
You don't actually have to give anyone a reason for doing what's best for you. If you feel like it's time to move on, keep your breakup short and simple, without much room for argument. Lifestyle writer AJ Harbinger from lifestyle site Art of Charm explained, "Any explaining you do is more for you than for them. Again, tell them how you feel, which is a subject not open for debate. Or, if you prefer, keep it simple: Tell them calmly and kindly that you donít want them in your life anymore, and leave it at that." Giving long drawn explanations are more for helping you appease your guilt ó and you have nothing to feel guilty over.

I've used The Broken Record approach in situations like this, and it works great. No matter what the other person says to try to draw you into an argument, just keep repeating a key phrase such as "This just isn't working for me" or "I feel it's time to move on" or "I'm not able to continue this friendship but I wish you well". Don't be swayed or baited into a debate.

Here's a video that might help you come up with some phrases that work for you - https://youtu.be/6TSh9zTHz2k

Good luck!

*

Boatsetsailrose

  • Member
  • 1427
  • Hello welcome - so glad I am here and you are too
    • View Profile
Re: Time to let go... Cptsd or bpd
« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2019, 08:25:12 PM »
Three roses thank u so much for posting this is all v helpful to me...
Feels so good to get support around this

*

cookiecat

  • Member
  • 3
    • View Profile
Re: Time to let go... Cptsd or bpd
« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2019, 04:05:55 AM »
How did it turn out?  Itís so hard when youíve invested so much of yourself in a friendship to finally admit how toxic and unbalanced it is and how unhealthy it is for us.  I hope things are going better, but I know itís still sad even when itís for the best.

*

Boatsetsailrose

  • Member
  • 1427
  • Hello welcome - so glad I am here and you are too
    • View Profile
Re: Time to let go... Cptsd or bpd
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2019, 08:02:13 AM »
Thanks cookie..
Yes so it seems that things have shifted..
She has got my boundary I think and I feel stable in where I'm at with it..
We are in a meeting every wk that we both attend so see each other but last wk it felt like because its now clear there wasn't any awkwardness between us..

Feels like a loss and sad but clear

*

Phoebes

  • Member
  • 396
    • View Profile
Re: Time to let go... Cptsd or bpd
« Reply #5 on: January 19, 2020, 05:39:25 PM »
I know this post is a little older but it came up and I read it and I was almost at the same time going through something like you, Boats. I'm so glad your situation had a comfortable and effective resolution for both of you. You probably did her a favor to boot. Although, I know that was a very uncomfortable scenario to be in.

In my similar situation, it amped up because I didn't immediate respond to his frantic messages after he posted something pertaining to me, only in a twisted way, on FB. I backed away and he frantically tried calling, texting, emailing and coming over to my house while I was working. It REALLY freaked me out as I have a fear of engulfment and can't deal with that behavior. Upon my initial short response saying how I felt, he gaslighted me, told me I just needed to think differently and that he did nothing wrong. I thought about replying, but then upon thinking through any which way I said it, I know he would continue to gaslight as this has been a pattern. So, it ended with me just never saying anything again. I still feel awkward and bad about that. I don't want to poke the bear now, but I know there will be the inevitable run-in. I'm glad yours worked out! Maybe I should say something.