therapy vs. family

[zeekoctane]

I have been trying to open up to my husband about my recovery. He is under the impression it should be like AA and then all is fixed. I told him today that my counselor told me I need to find something that relaxes me and then we can focus on changing responses to the triggers. Because of my childhood, I have countless triggers. So, I told my husband what I am working on this week and he replies something about my creating all of these triggers so I do not have to do anything I don't want to or go places I don't want to. He says I control what they are so it is convenient for me. I am so frustrated. He wants me to share but he tears me down when I do. Anyways. I am not using these as a means of getting out of something. I work very hard and I am a full time student. I take care of my family. He is closed minded and not willing to read up on cptsd.

[Kizzie]

I am not using these as a means of getting out of something. I work very hard and I am a full time student. I take care of my family.

Really sorry to hear your H is not supportive Zeek, I'm sure that must hurt. It's important and healthy that you know it's not fair though, so many of us do accept the negative things people try to make us believe about ourselves.     Also, good for coming here and sharing about this

Do you have any thoughts on what you might say or do when it comes to his behaviour?

[zeekoctane]

I do not really know. His tone when he says stuff like that is a trigger for me, so I just stop talking and stare blankly, which annoys him. I have been working hard at trying to talk to him but these things set me so far back. I just don't know.

[Jazzy]

Sounds horrible zeekoctane, sorry to hear this is going on. Its so hard when you can't even speak up. Hopefully you two can work something out.

When I was in a similar situation, I had a  printout that I could show, which said that I was too triggered to speak. At least that way, the other person had an idea what was going on, and didn't feel ignored. I can't help but think that other person should have had a lot more compassion though.

Anyway, all the best as you go through this. Take care!

[Three Roses]

There is a visceral reaction in me to hearing what he's saying to you. "Ugh!!" 

Triggers are not created! We do not make them up. He is just showing his ignorance. My husband tries to be supportive but unless someone has a background that gives them insight, they're just not able to understand. It's like learning a second language, in that they must take steps to educate themselves about the nuances of the new language or they'll never be fluent.

I come here for support instead. I'm also lucky to have a few friends whose backgrounds are similar and who also are educating themselves about the effects of trauma on our brains.

He is under the impression it should be like AA and then all is fixed.

Even people in AA know this is a journey that lasts a lifetime! There is no "all is fixed" as if they/we can clap our hands together and say, "There!" as if it's done, as if it never happened. But, there is healing to be had, and compassion to be given to and accepted from others. I'm offering this to you, along with my best wishes and all the support I can give you online.

[Bach]

I think one of the very hardest things to understand about triggers is that not much about them is steady or predictable.  They can affect us differently at different times, and our ability to handle them varies depending on many factors.  It's impossible to say "This particular thing always triggers me in this particular way and has this specific consequence" because there are so many variables.  For example, on a day when I've had plenty of sleep, the weather is nice, my physical pain levels are low, my hormones are behaving, and I'm not worried about money, I will only be perhaps annoyed and disappointed by discovering that we've run out of the thing I want to eat for breakfast.  I might grumble a little, but I will find something else to eat, take my morning pills and get on with it.  On another day, however, maybe I won't have slept so well, maybe there will be a persistent pain above my right eye, maybe money for groceries isn't a problem right now but energy to deal with grocery shopping is.  Then, adapting to the discovery that I have to change my plan for morning sustenance and medicating will demand a considerable amount of psychic energy.  And then there are the days when maybe lots of little things are wrong, or maybe nothing obvious is wrong on the outside, but I had a nightmare about my mother that I don't even remember, and it will take everything I have to not melt down.  Same trigger, three different reactions, right?  And that's only scratching the surface of the complexity of the interplay between circumstances and triggers.

It's not only hard for our loved ones to understand this, it's hard for US to as well!  My inner critic craps on me endlessly about things like how "Yesterday you were totally able to (enjoyable thing) but now that you have to clean the bathroom you're too sick to get off the couch? YOU'RE NOT SICK, you're (blah blah blah mean inner critic voice)", and I'm only just recently starting to fully comprehend that it's not just whether or not I want to do something badly enough that dictates whether I can control my triggers.

I have so many thoughts and feelings about this.  I'm so sorry that your husband doesn't understand, Zeek.  I know how painful it is to have a loved one think that you use your illness to manipulate them when that couldn't be further from the truth.  I hope that you will not become discouraged from trying to share with him and help him understand, and that he will be able to open his heart and his mind and become more of a partner to you in your recovery.  Lots of good wishes to you and a hug if you want it

[zeekoctane]

Thank you all. I like the idea of a paper to let him know I cannot talk. I have been keeping a note pad to write him after I get out of the moment so he can try and understand what was happening. Sometimes he receives it well and other times he thinks it is time to get over it. My upbringing causes me to have triggers from people, environment, and religious things, so there is a ton of them and they are all intertwined. I bought a book for him to read about it so he will get a better understanding of my reactions to triggers he doesn't see. I hope he will read it. In the mean time, thanks for your encouragement. I feel alone sometimes and just need a non-condescending word.

[Three Roses]

I also feel alone sometimes, and the understanding support I get here helps with that. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I found the book "The Body Keeps The Score" enlightening and validating. Lots of info on the physical changes to the brain caused by trauma, interpersonal and other. I would really like my h to read it so that he can better understand the symptoms he sees in me. It would also show him that many things are not just in the way I think or perceive things.

[Not Alone]

I understand what you are saying and the frustration. My husband says he wants to be there for me, and is in some ways, but then says things like: "That was 50 years ago" and "Where is the light at the end of the tunnel." Very hard.

[zeekoctane]

Thank you again for your support. the "just get over it" or "your mom didn't mean anything by it" comments are hard. It does not validate any thing I am going through. I do feel alone even when he says he is there for me. I do not think he truly understands the magnitude of the impact of trauma. I was wondering if any of you have ideas of ways to relax. I am at 90%- 95% max stress all of the time. I am tired but I cannot seem to find anything to stop the mind. My T says even if it is a small fraction of relief it will benefit me, but I can't seem to find anything. Reading, writing, coloring, deep breathing. I am out of ideas.

[Bach]

Have you ever tried listening to binaural beats?  I've been using this Spotify playlist of delta waves to help me go to sleep:

https://open.spotify.com/album/4zYqtVq2OykNatVy9iD1AO?si=5zvUhCa0RcSQB2yqDn_Cvw

I've been using delta waves because sleep has been a huge issue for me lately, but there are other varieties of binaural beats for other purposes, with lots of stuff available at places like Spotify and YouTube.  I did a Google search and did a little reading about how to use binaural beats and have found it helpful, so perhaps it might also be helpful for you.

Wishing you a calm quiet mind.

[zeekoctane]

I have tried them. The problem I have is most of that or other calming music draws a constant memory of my mom telling me that satanic messages are implanted in it and I should not listen to it. It has become  a mild trigger for me. I love music, don't get me wrong, but I can get past it. Thank you though.

[saylor]

Zeek, that is truly devastating. It's one of my worst nightmares to have someone I thought loved and cared deeply about me be dismissive/accusatory about my CPTSD-shaped behavior. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I hope your H reads the book. My partner read a few books (including The Body Keeps the Score) because of the problems I was having, in an effort to understand better. It really helped our relationship, and I think that has been useful towards healing.
Have you considered possibly having him go to your counselor with you for a session? Maybe your counselor could provide some additional validation that could push him over the threshold of understanding and compassion for what you're going through. Just a thought--not sure how feasible

[Kizzie]

Have you considered possibly having him go to your counselor with you for a session? Maybe your counselor could provide some additional validation that could push him over the threshold of understanding and compassion for what you're going through. Just a thought--not sure how feasible

Great idea from Saylor if you're comfortable with it and he would agree to go    Another thought I had was to see if he would watch a video about CPTSD.  There are some good ones around and it might have more impact than a book or article.

[zeekoctane]

Thank you all. I haven't considered taking him with me to my T because I am afraid that I will get triggered with him in there and not be able to say a word. I guess he could just talk to her. I have also not thought about looking for a good video. He might watch one of those quicker than reading a book. It all seems so complicated and I feel a bit overwhelmed with trying to heal myself, trying to make him understand, raise my child, and other life stuff. I would say I am nearing my all time lowest point in life. I will get through, it just seems like an impossible mountain to climb.