Battlescars ** Trigger Warning ** Physical Violence, CSA!

[PleaseWait]

If anyone wonders why this is so odd in its presentation, I call it Autistisorting. Hypervigilant analysis, some from the ASD and some triggered by trauma. It all started when I was 5 or so. ADHD and all sorts of other considerations. I was duped into thinking there was something seriously wrong with me. For years I hyperanalyzed, then I realized who was wrong. It wasn't me. I had been doing what I think a lot of people might do. I was hurt, and when it all started I was 5, when my parents divorced. Easily described as the most traumatic event in my life, until more. Trying to find a place where I felt needed and belonged was hard. I was holding onto the wrong things, and still am.

1. Lost my family age 5.
2. Beaten by step mother, taken from home by state age 11.
3. Nearly died from mystery illness, spleen removed. Viral cause
4. Aged out of group homes.
5. Into drugs age 19.
6. Married age 23, 15 years of *.
7. Skull fractured at work 2007, still not working.
8. Kids removed from home 2008 (medically unfit to care for children)
9. Mother concocted sexual abuse allegations against me, state of WA withheld this info until 2016 when I was finally informed that the reason I lost my children was because my daughter was telling stories that were not true. I knew she was doing it, but no one would tell me. She recanted her testimony in court 2016.
10. After my divorce in 2012 my 9 month old daughter was raped and murdered by my ex's live in boyfriend.

And I still have more things that seem incidental but surface at times with aggressive or isolation response. Too many events I need to reset. The worst part is that due to the implications, I want desperately to lash out and defend myself. I learned the hard way though, thats when people develope the wrong understanding. I'm looking for a place to feel safe and sane because I can be thankful that this all taught me how to be absolute and never let these things happen again.

And then I rush in flailing my arms like Gumby running out of a warehouse fire. Uggggggggggggggg

[woodsgnome]

You deserve peace and safety.

I hope it was a bit of relief just to put out what's been roiling for a lifetime. You are deserving of the best as you struggle to get past the unfathomable hurts you've been through.

Let your presence here feel like a safe haven. For many here, this was a last refuge in a lifetime of searching for healing.

Here, what matters the most is that you know you've found people who understand the journey -- that's often a hard quality to find, might even be surprising. But, for once, you can feel free to rise above the old stuff.

It's good to see you taking a step towards the daylight. 

[Not Alone]

I am so sorry for the immense pain you have experienced.

[PleaseWait]

I am so sorry for the immense pain you have experienced.

Thank you, I came here because in so many ways I have not resolved that pain because I blocked much of it away. I am working on realizing that I am not in control of having those feelings. I used to think my rationale and justifications of the past were getting me somewhere. Rationalize everything empathetically and no one is to blame and feeling hurt becomes counter intuitive to moving on in life. So in all I thought I was doing well in health, I was doing poorly to heal. My good grip on reality allowed me to take on more than I should, adding to what was already there and allowing a false sense of recovery to develope.

The elastic emotional ninja, ready to provide full relapse into thinking errors and poor impulse control. But alas' Senor Ninjito, there's a coup developing and I plan on sticking around!

This life has conditioned me to behave for other people. To adjust to systems, cultures and illnesses. All in the interest of doing things the way everyone else wanted. Outside of the crud I had to endure I feel its a solid foundation to work from. I am ME! Until I fell in love with someone almost half my age i hadn't been taught that it was ok to be who I was. I'm not a deviant or perpetrator, I'm an autistic kid who was never allowed to develope. Allow me to develop and its like a Schooner covered wagon that gets too enthusiastic (too soon?) I come in hot, hit the turn and show my poorly assembled undercarriage to the world before I'm actually ready.

If it were only possible to not feel like my brain is Southern California freeway interchange with the Hancock gun battle going off on one leg, dude trying to jump on another, hating life in slow hot traffic Dave Grohl? I need to learn to Walk again, I believe I've waited long enough.

Where do I begin?

[Kizzie]

Where do I begin?

Maybe by talking about your CPTSD symptoms and what you have done or are planning to do in terms of recovering/healing?    

[PleaseWait]

Where do I begin?

Maybe by talking about your CPTSD symptoms and what you have done or are planning to do in terms of recovering/healing?    

For as long as I can remember, I've always been focused on what was wrong with me. Or, what I did that made the situation my fault. Until now, I didn't realize that almost every behavior and coping mechanism I use today, are a result of one trauma or another.

Stubborn as I could be, I refused to listen to anyone. As if what they said was wrong with me I could change or simply hide and deny. I didn't ever believe a diagnosis since they always changed. Then I learned that it can look however you want it to. Wanna be crazy, act it. Wanna be normal, act. Either way I wasn't really myself. I felt like the diagnosis was a label, like now I fit a pattern or shape. I became more defiant. Refused to listen to much of anything. Then I learned about my ASD.  A new understanding of who I wasn't was on the horizon. This will be complicated.

I have a problem with victim mentality, but maybe I should move up to that instead of the isolation mentality driven by the CPTSD. Some things won't change, but some can.

Grief and Loss group is #1 priority at this time.

[Three Roses]

I also have trouble with saying I am a victim. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, that grosses me out. And I certainly don't want to feel sorry for myself.

In a way, I feel my discomfort and denial of my victimization is due at least in part to the indoctrination given me by my parents. How could I be victimized? I had a roof over my head and food to eat. I had clothes to wear. So what did I have to complain about?

Well, plenty. And so do you.

It's always helpful to me when facing issues of meaning to refer to a dictionary or some other such resource, to aquire the basic definition of a word or phrase. Here's what I found.

Victim mentality is an acquired personality trait in which a person tends to recognize or consider themselves as a victim of the negative actions of others, and to behave as if this were the case in the face of contrary evidence of such circumstances. Victim mentality depends on clear thought processes and attribution. (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_mentality)

victim - one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent: such as
(1) : one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions
a victim of cancer
a victim of the auto crash
a murder victim
(2) : one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment
a frequent victim of political attacks
b : one that is tricked or duped
a con man's victim (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/victim)

I hope this information is helpful to you (but I will still have trouble saying "I was a victim"). I also hope your grief and loss group brings you the comfort you so need.

[Kizzie]

For as long as I can remember, I've always been focused on what was wrong with me.

Two thoughts popped to mind when I read this Pleasewait.  The first is something a trauma professional Dr. Christine Courtoise wrote a book about that many of us hold close to our hearts - "It's not you, it's what happened to you" (https://www.amazon.ca/Its-Not-You-What-Happened-ebook/dp/B00OF2ADL0).  It's simple but oh so elegant in that it conveys that there is nothing wrong with us, what happened to us was wrong and we did what we had to to survive the trauma we experienced. It's an important mind shift for us as survivors, but especially for professionals IMO.

Which brings me to the 2nd thing that you're likely to hear here.  We responded in a normal way to a highly abnormal situation - ongoing relational trauma that we could not escape.  Surviving the trauma required us to respond in certain ways in order to survive (eg being hypervigilant), versus we are weak or defective or any number of other negative things we and others tell us about ourselves.   

I hope this is helpful