Anyone else feel no grief whatsoever at the death of their abuser? (Possible TW)

[Errorzone]

Back in April, my mother passed away from complications of diabetes. After the initial shock of the news faded, I celebrated. This sadistic, homophobic, manipulative, lying woman is nothing more than a pile of ashes now, and will never be able to abuse me or anyone else ever again. She's dead. I won. I owe her nothing.

For anyone else who's been in the situation where an abusive person in their life has died, are these feelings normal? Probably not, but are they at least relatable? I don't feel any regrets about not being able to reconcile with her. My last couple phone conversations with my mother were very superficial but nice, more chores than anything else. Now my life will be devoted to those who are actually worth my time and energy, namely my wonderful boyfriend, who she'd never approve of.

[saylor]

I felt no grief when my brutal, sadistic "father" died. None at all. In fact, when I learned of his death, my first response was to laugh. I felt only minimal grief when my enabling "mother" died. She had always put her own comfort and convenience before the safety and well-being of her children. I guess all I can say is I'm glad my father died, and while I'm not glad my mother died, I have yet to feel as though I miss her, after all these years. I know there are plenty of people in this world who would consider me a monster for my a(nti)pathy towards the two now-deceased beings who brought me into this world and did what they did/didn't do to/for me. To that I shrug.
It is very taboo to admit this kind of thing. We're told by society to honor those who have died, regardless of how terrible they may have been to us in life. I don't subscribe to that way of thinking. I prefer to call a spade a spade. So often, when we have been abused, we're told to ignore reality and ignore our true feelings--bury them, even. I think that just adds to the pain.
I hope you feel at peace with allowing yourself the freedom to feel what you feel (or not feel what you don't feel).  Take care of yourself and enjoy your freedom! 

[Three Roses]

My emotions at the death of my F were mixed - relief, sadness, etc. I grieved heartily for my M, however, even though she also was dysfunctional and abusive, as she had ironically also been a protector of sorts at times (though not always).

I experienced a sense of pleasure at the news that my third grade teacher had passed away. I smiled about it for awhile. I'm embarrassed about my lack of compassion. But I also realize the child still within me had a right to feel some relief and a sense of safety from that particular abuser.

I predict that I will also feel some pleasure and relief when my sibling passes, that is, if he dies before I do.

[snailspace]

I cried a tear (yes 1 tear) when my mother died 5 years ago out of sheer relief that she was no longer alive and I was eventually free of her.  I've often wondered if I should be grieving, not for her but for 'the mother I never had', but no feelings have arisen, and I can't summon them up, not want to if there's nothing there.
I had no connection to her whilst she was alive so I think my current 'feelings' or lack of them reflect that.
She was a complete blank in my life and I don't miss her, or rarely think of her.
I'm not sure if it's a 'normal' state of affairs, but then she wasn't normal.
I had a dream not long after she died where myself, dad and siblings were sitting down for a meal together,  It felt nice and comfortable occasion, then my dad asked "where's your mother", so me, the dutiful daughter went out of the room to look but she wasn't there.  I returned and we carried on with our meal.  It was a lovely dream and I awoke feeling very calm and at peace.  So  I've taken heart from this dream whatever it means.
I hope you find some peace and relief now she's dead.

[bluepalm]

When my father died, I touched his cheek as he lay in the coffin to check he really was dead and then felt only huge, giddy relief. Now 'there would be no fresh pain' was how I expressed it to myself and to my brother.

When my mother died, I looked at her lying in the coffin and the words 'Oh mother' were somehow wrenched from me and my sons quickly led me away. At the end of the funeral I couldn't stop crying, not for the loss of that cruel and heartless woman, but for all that I had never had. I had always been a motherless child. Afterwards, I felt huge relief that she was no longer on this earth. I felt freed of her malign presence.

Although I am generally quick to feel guilt or self-doubt, I have never questioned these truthful reactions to my parents' deaths.

[Bach]

When my father died, I touched his cheek as he lay in the coffin to check he really was dead and then felt only huge, giddy relief. Now 'there would be no fresh pain' was how I expressed it to myself and to my brother.

When my mother died, I looked at her lying in the coffin and the words 'Oh mother' were somehow wrenched from me and my sons quickly led me away. At the end of the funeral I couldn't stop crying, not for the loss of that cruel and heartless woman, but for all that I had never had. I had always been a motherless child. Afterwards, I felt huge relief that she was no longer on this earth. I felt freed of her malign presence.

Although I am generally quick to feel guilt or self-doubt, I have never questioned these truthful reactions to my parents' deaths.

My mother is still alive, but I imagine I will feel very much like this when she dies. 

[woodsgnome]

On both occasions of a parent's dying, my feelings were rooted in a heavy numbness, a dissociation-like confusion. All the deep-seated emotions ranging from fear to anger were present with regards to them, but mostly hidden underneath that wall of confusion. 

As in life, the relationships weren't just strained, but entirely disorienting, wrapped up in fear that they'd ever been real in the first place. I do feel better thinking that somehow maybe they weren't. If that's wishful thinking, I also accept its necessity while still completing my own wall of separation.

That said, I guess they did function as role models -- as in I never ever want to be the least like them; ever.

[suffersilence]

. When I read the posts, I am a bit relieved because I thought I was the only one who felt like this. of course, both my parents are still alive, but I did wonder to myself in silence,  if my m passed away, I would feel relieved and happy and free. and my thinking was that I would not grieve at all. If my d passed away, it probably would be a bit different, but likewise.   I would grieve deeply if my siblings passed away because for me, my siblings are closer and dear to my heart, a lot more than my parents.  I sometimes feel bad and guilty for feeling this way.


S

[Kizzie]

Great thread Errorzone and all    I too felt relief when my F died and it's something I haven't spoken much about.  That's because I don't want to feel bad about myself but also because I feel I have to explain why and that, well as you know it's can be a bumpy path, everywhere except here that is.

It is something we need to feel OK about expressing though, and really when you look at the damage and loss our abusers parents or otherwise caused us, it's completely understandable why we do feel relief and sadness over all that trauma cost us.   

[jamesG.1]

just been through this.

Initial feelings were shock and anger, but now I'm feeling closure of sorts.

All our feelings make sense and none are wrong, I think. We've all been thrown such a curved ball, normal rules don't apply. But I do feel that there are always a minority who will see our survival and release as callous. Well, no. We were there, we KNOW,

Feel free, you are free.