they just keep ;coming

[sanmagic7]

i have caved today.  the triggers, flashbacks just keep coming.  i can't get ahead of them for more than a day, when i'm hit afresh. 

TW  **************************** TW  SI

2 mos. ago, hub $1 died.  i grieved, mourned, all sorts of feelings came up, i was overwhelmed.  this man left me when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, was verbally and emotionally abusive throughout our relationship.  he was moving in w/ another woman when i was living at a friend's house a month later. i nearly ended it a few days later, except my baby kicked, and i couldn't go thru w/ it knowing i would be killing her, too.  i moved back to live w/ my mother.

end TW

2 yrs. ago this same man who had shown me kindness and generosity, out of guilt i'm sure, for a few years before, was also integral in helping me get out of mexico because i was dying.  i wouldn't be here today except for him.  needless to say, my feelings about/for him were all over the place. 
gratitude, warmth, healing all took place on that road trip spanning more than 2 days.

a few days ago, ex hub #2 contacted my d to tell me that hub #1 had died, and there were lawyers who were trying to contact me, that there was money coming to me.  again, a number of feelings came up, including more warmth toward #1 and revulsion/gratitude toward #2.  my nc D also came up by association, and all the feelings around her.

during all this, my book was finished, and my d is editing it.  i knew there would be some issues, but she suggested several changes that i didn't expect.  this is a program that i'd created and presented many times in the past w/ nothing but praise for it, yet, i guess that transferring it from personal presentation to the written word is more difficult than i'd imagined.  she raised good points, but i felt blindsided for some reason. 

more feelings came up about not only that, but the fact that this book is finally finished after more than 25 yrs., something that my d is telling me (as she's reading thru it) that it's really good.  the triggers here came from ex hub #2, who, at the time, assured me he would edit it for me, pushed me off for months about getting started, then finally told me, when i confronted him, that he wouldn't do it after all, cuz he didn't want to have his name associated w/ something that was going to fail.

and now, i've been able to contact the d of hub #1, who told me that he'd told her that there are no lawyers involved, and that her dad had told her that i'd gotten half his pension in our divorce.  this was a shock to me as i'd not only not gotten any money from him, no alimony or child support as decreed by the judge, but that i remember nothing about pension money.  ex #2 was w/ me at the divorce proceedings, and he never mentioned it to me afterwards, either, so i believe it was never there.  as it is, i'd not received a penny of anything from him or his pension.

bringing this up now saw a glimmer of hope for my financial status, and i was able to contact his d who is executor of his estate!?? which is virtually non-existent.  however, she has found me to be someone who she could vent to (she and i have communicated ever so slightly in the past) about the lies of his current estranged wife, telling lies to and about her, which triggered me again re: the lies told to and about me by my nc D. 

this morning, his d wrote again, venting, but ended her email by saying she hopes he's in a better place with lots of sailing (he was an avid sailor) and lots of women.  blam!  lots of women was part of the reason our marriage didn't last, and i went into a tailspin, which i'm not dealing well with today. 

these blasts from the past are doing me in.  i just want all these people to go away!  leave me alone!  i can't turn around, do something pos. for myself that a trigger doesn't raise its ugly head and make something exciting and enjoyable for me turn to crapola.  and, due to my alexithymia, i can't put my finger on all the emotions i'm feeling, but i found myself simply weeping at tv shows last nite for no reason i could distinguish.

i looked for t's in my area, couldn't find any that dealt w/ trauma, so i'm hesitant to go to someone else - burned too many times on that front.

maybe i should've put this in the area of having an exceptionally difficult day, but i put it here.  this feels like major setbacks on so many fronts, and i'm having a hard time functioning.  i was hoping i could write it out here, get a little relief at getting it out of me.  a xanax day for sure, which is helping to take the edge off, but honestly, i feel like crapola.  can't get my feet under me, can't identify how i'm feeling, just want it all to go away and leave me alone.  tears are forming right now, and i don't know exactly why, cuz i can't feel a specific emotion, except maybe sad.  that seems so small, tho.

[MoonBeam]

San, first off, big  You are dealing with sooooo much. Feeling overwhelmed and triggered seems to me a perfectly appropriate response to all that's happened. And, it sounds like you are trying to take care of you even through the EF, which is really hard. You reached out. I find when I'm bombarded if I can surround myself with golden light as a filter, and try to just look at one thing at a time, it alleviates some of the crushing panic that all the things at once brings on.

I'm sorry to hear about hub #1 and all that its brought up.  I totally relate to not being able to identify feelings. It's like I'm incredibly uncomfortable and can't stand being in my skin, that something is wrong, but I have no idea what feeling is causing the discomfort. Super unsettling when I think I'm supposed to be sitting with the feeling to let it out and let it go. I think crying during a tv show is a safe release and sounds supportive.

I don't have any wisdom to share, but I can say you are one of the strongest and bravest folks I know. I believe this will pass and you are not alone in it. We are here with you. You are not mismanaging any of this it seems to me. All that's coming at you is multi-layered and complicated present and past mixed together. Hang in dear one and I hope you won't be too hard on yourself with it. 

[Blueberry]

  to you san! I'm so sorry, that is just so much going on all at once and so much from the past being brought back up. 

[Not Alone]

. . . you are one of the strongest and bravest folks I know. I believe this will pass and you are not alone in it. We are here with you. You are not mismanaging any of this it seems to me. All that's coming at you is multi-layered and complicated present and past mixed together. Hang in dear one and I hope you won't be too hard on yourself with it. 

San, those are so many complex and painful issues hitting you all at once. Very understandable that you are having such a difficult time. Sending you care. 

[Jazzy]

Sorry you are going through all this difficulty.  As the others have said, this is a big, complex situation. It sounds like it is really overwhelming. Hopefully things will begin to settle so you can start sorting them all out soon. Until then, sending you strength and stamina. Take care!

[Three Roses]

So very sorry to hear you're feeling  and and - if you feel like , may I offer you my shoulder? You are worthy of love and support, of tenderness, and healing. May your own voluminous earth mother skirts rise around you to envelop you in kindness and warmth.

[sanmagic7]

moonbeam, blueberry, notalone, jazzy and 3r - i can't tell you how much i appreciate your support, kindness, and caring.  yes, 3r, my head is on your shoulder as we speak, but it's hard for me right now to get w/ ems - she'll have to take care of me w/o my help.

i got the name of an emdr therapist in town, and cried w/ relief when my d handed it to me.  i need help with all this.  i'll call her tomorrow.  i'm very scared as i've been hurt too much by t's in the past.  fingers crossed and prayers flying that this one will work out for me.  wish me luck.  it would be so great to have someone irl to lean on w/ all this, who can help guide and support me, bring me back on track, and help me find my way back to sanity.  i'm feeling so lost right now. 

when my d told her t about what i was going thru, that it was a xanax day for me, her t said, 'well, yeah!  that's an awful lot of stuff to be dealing w/.'  it was good to get validated by a pro.  doing this all on my own for so long is taking its own toll.   what sent me over the edge today was an email from hub #1's d, when she said at the end that she hoped he was in a better place, with lots of sailing and women.  it was lots of women that sunk our marriage, twice, so i couldn't support that sentiment from her at all - haven't written back to her because of that.  it was the final straw.

[Snowdrop]

Oh San. Sending you the biggest hugs I have. I hope it goes well with the EMDR therapist. Thinking of you. 

[Kizzie]

Here for you San, lean on us