New Letter to M

[Elphanigh]

Dear M,

I am writing this down so I don't say the words aloud to you. I know you are stronger and safer than you have ever been. It is beautiful to watch you grow as a person, and I want you to know I am proud of you. I can see it in the way you treat everyone around you, including me. Feeling the difference in how you treat me has been a love and hate kind of thing for me. I lvoe it because for once in my life I feel like I have a mom that hears me, but I hate it because I know I didn't have it before. I hate it because I don't know how much I can trust it... and because with every improvement, you make I want more and more to tell you things you don't know.. things that I swore I would take to my own grave. I hate that I want to tell you the truth and let you in because I know it will hurt you and that is is still somewhat risky for me. I hate that your betterment is weakening my age-old resolve to never share with you that part of me.

I will see you in person a few weeks from now, and I am worried about how this part of me will hold up. Will it slip out in smalls ways, or will I manage to keep it to myself this time?

I finally feel like you are present in my life, more than you ever were when I lived closer. I am working so hard in school right now and you are encouraging and caring. I feel heard by you and like you are curious about my experiences. I feel supported and loved in a way I did not before. It feels almost safe. How will I know when we are both ready? or if I am ever ready? What would I even say?

I know if I ever want you to know me fully I need to tell you. That in order to be honest about my motivations to go into this field, in order to truly discuss my passions that you need to know. I know now that you wouldn't want me to be doing this on my own. It feels like you would want to hear me now, and that you would stay with me this time.

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Okay, I will have to come back and write more later. That put me pretty heavily in tears for the moment.

[Three Roses]

Beautifully said, a poignant letter dear Elphanigh. Much love and admiration to you.  ❤️

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Three Roses  It is always good to hear from you and know someone has read these words. Lots of love 

Now that I have had some space I will write more.


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Dear M,

If I told you, would you stay with me this time? Would you see through your own pain enough to comfort mine? I feel like that is why you left me alone to cry when I was younger.. you couldn't see past your own pain and emotions to comfort me when I needed you most. I was never completely honest about what happened, I told you the bare minimum back then... and it hurt you so much to hear it that you left me in your room, in the dark, alone to cry until I could come out on my own.

I was scared M.. I needed you to tell me I was going to be okay, that I did nothing wrong, and that you loved me. I did not need to even hear that if you didn't have words. It would have been okay if you cried as long as you stayed with me and held my hand through it. I am not sure if you thought your tears would hurt me more, or if you thought talking about it later would do me harm... but I needed you to do those things. I needed to learn that crying was okay, and that sad emotions were valid when dealing with what I experienced. I needed to see my M allow the space for my feelings so maybe one day I could allow my own. I needed you to teach me it was okay to talk about what happened, and that I did not need to feel shame or guilt. I needed you to hug me that day, allow me to cry, and start truly healing..

I know you were hurting. I know now as an adult how hard it must have been to hear your daughter so hurt. I know you probably wept for me out of sight so I would never see you feeling vulnerable or weak. I know you were likely trying to be strong for me. But it left me in the dark, alone, and unabl to ever share more with you. Instead I learned what you did. I learned to hide away my tears, and to never allow people to see me weak. I learned my strength from you, but I also learned some weakness too.

So M, would you stay with me this time? Will you listen to my truth and accept it as it is? You love the person it has made me, and support me now. Can you accept what got me here? Could you give me that hug I so desperately needed back then? Would you allow me to be emotional with you instead of hiding away? M, are my emotions and experience enough for you to see through your own to comofrt mine?

I want to trust that you would stay with me this time. You have grown so much, and become a much better person. I see it all the time. I want to believe in you, the way I believed in you that day. I thought you would save me that day, I needed you to save me that day. I was young and had been threatened all my life. I spent those years protecting you and the other people I loved.. It was your turn to protect me, and you left me to cry alone and to never really talk about it again. It is hard to trust that now would be any different. I see your growth and your genuine interest in me but are you strong enough to hold my truth and stay this time?

M, I want you to know me. I want you to get the chance to love all of me, and to be close. I want to have faith you will listen and stay. I want to be able to let you in. I wish for it more than I can regularly admit to myself. I am sorry I am not sure I am ready to trust yet. I am sorry I am scared still, to let you see the parts of me I worked so hard to conceal.

I am scared to hurt you with this, I know as someone that cares deeply that this truth would hurt you for a time.  I know that you would likely feel guilt and shame for not protecting me. I am sorry that I am not allowing you to work through that yet.. You deserve to get to wor through those emotions and come to the other side. You deserve to know the daughter you are so proud of. You tell me so often how proud you are of me for all that I am doing and becoming. You tell me you are proud of the kind, caring person that I am. I want you to know how I got here. I want you to be proud of the journey it has and will continue to take me to get there. You deserve to know me, all of me. I am sorry I cannot yet allow that, but I wish all the time that I could.

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okay, break time again. Obviously I have a lot of stuff to sort out in my mind but more importantly in my heart. 

[Kizzie]

I'm so glad for you your M is well enough now that you can allow yourself to express these feelings and thoughts in writing. Perhaps at some point it might be face-to-face with her.      

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Kizzie  Perhaps one day I will be brave enough to talk with her face to face. I want to but am not yet ready to do that. I know how healing it could be, but I also know if it goes 'wrong' it could really hurt me. I want to be as stable as possible when I decide to risk it.


I see her in person in just over two weeks. I see her in person once at most twice a year. This will likely be the only good time I would have in person for another year or two. With grad school I see my family even less.  However, I know I am not going to be ready in three weeks. I know emotionally I want to talk to her, but logically this is not the time in my life to tell her. I can't afford to take any big hit to my system while I am in school. 


I need to learn to be okay with that, even though there are parts of me that aren't.

[Not Alone]

Just want you to know that I read your letter. I feel compassion for you and your pain as a child and your pain now and conflicting feelings and thoughts about telling your mom.

[Elphanigh]

Notalone, I am grateful for your compassion and validation  It is always good to know I am not the only one to feel and fight with these emotions.