Freash start

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blackbird1

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Freash start
« on: March 29, 2015, 08:35:27 PM »
I promised myself I would be more active on this board.  I lurk regularly and am constantly amazed at people having the same experiences as I've had.

For example - disassociating.  I have tasked myself to be more aware of my bodily reactions and am surprised how much I do it.  I'm new to this, but my definition of disassociation is not feeling completely in my body "floating" a little, and feeling anxious with some stomach upset.  I also close in my peripheral vision, if that makes sense - I'm not completely aware of my surroundings.

What is upsetting to me (and not the least of my problems) is that I do this a lot when I'm driving.

How I've managed to avoid accidents, I have no idea. 

I'm also not sure exactly what I perceive the danger as being.  I know I feel safer in some locations, but what triggers it is still a work in progress.

I also find myself starting the day off badly.  If I need to go to work or go somewhere at a specific time, I go nuts making sure I have everything.  It's not just fretting because I can't find my cell phone, it's a blind panic.  I can't find my brush, I can't find my keys, and then my vision field, like I mentioned before, gets smaller.  When I'm finally ready and driving off, I double-check everything again (more unsafe driving practice) to make sure I have everything.

All before I even really start the day.  No wonder I'm exhausted when I get home. 

First, it's weird and sad to me that I didn't even think this was self-defeating behavior.  Second, I never considered getting things ready the night before.  Third, are these symptoms of C-PTSD?
As in, what normal people would consider being in a rush in the morning I take as more life and death-I'll be yelled at for not being prepared, that is a horrible thing, and I'm too stupid and disorganized to get myself together(says the inner critic) Thanks