Sasha is not my real name

[Sasha]

Thanks so much for all your comments and support.

Absolutely amazing news today. I've got the job! It's one that I really want, it's part time and doing the thing that I love the most in a position that is really good for this point in my career.

I just feel so grateful. Yesterday when I went to the job interview in a very triggered state I decided that at least I could be proud of trying my best despite difficult circumstances. I also felt like there was a "realness" to how I was at that point, maybe a little bit quieter and less chatty, but also quite calm. I wondered whether that might actually come across nicely. Seems like it did.

I suppose this outcome, combined with what felt like a hug from an NHS doctor yesterday and my partner being so incredibly supportive has just made me feel like the future is just going to get better and better. I know we've all experienced such atrocity and adversity but I am amazed by my own resilience and the resilience of the people that I speak to you on here.

This forum is so special to me. Thank you.

[Sasha]

I'm glad you've taken some healthy, beneficial steps! That's huge! 

One thing I might add is that ptsd is much different than cptsd. I know you're exhausted at the moment but here's an article to save for later - https://www.talkspace.com/blog/complex-ptsd-versus-standard-ptsd/

And some printable info for any upcoming appointments https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads

I know that's a lot so I'll quit  take care and if you can I'm interested in updates.

Hey Three Roses

Thanks so much for sharing this. I am aware of some major differences, especially the impact on one's formation of their personality, and these guides you've sent will be useful, no doubt, as I start to talk more with professionals about this.

Right now I am following the basic PTSD route because of the guidelines published by NICE that clearly state that PTSD sufferers should not be given medication and non-– PTSD or trauma based therapy options as a first a routine response.
https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng116/chapter/recommendations#access-to-care

This is what keeps happening to me so I'm going to push back using the official line for now, and then will explore the nuance of complex PTSD in more detail as this progresses. I believe that my symptoms for quite clearly into PTSD diagnosis anyway, due to flashbacks and triggers, and it's been interesting to see what the PTSD UK organisation have to say, as they subcategorise PTSD in different ways.
https://www.ptsduk.org/what-is-ptsd/c-ptsd-pdsd-and-type-2-ptsd-explained/

Right now I don't know what language is being used in the NHS or by the professional I am being arranged speak to you so I will present to them what is going on and take it from there.

[Snowdrop]

You got the job? Hooray! That's brilliant news, well done you!

[Sasha]

Awww yeah! I did get the job. It’s a big deal! Thanks so much

Have so many emotions... very happy ones. It’s weird after being low recently. Don’t quite know what to do with myself?!

So have decided to listen to music and cook xx

[Not Alone]

Congratulations on your new job! 

[Three Roses]

Congrats!

[Sasha]

Thank you notalone and Three Roses

Despite the good news I feel a little frustrated. My emotional range is just a bit wonky at the moment. In the past I would have jumped from very down to very up at the good news, and probably would have blindsided a rough emotional state by replacing it with the extreme high of going out, drinking and socialising. However, due to a hectic rollercoaster month and hard week, I still feel frazzled from experiencing such a load of hard physical and mental symptoms, including difficult memories and sensations. For five years I have been unearthing, bit by bit,  the adversity of my childhood. The tough bit now, as I continue to work on all of this, is realising the absolute enormity and volume of it (0-18+ years) and also that I have recently experienced additional trauma due to my family circumstances.

So today I want to celebrate the self compassion and awareness that I have developed. I have got this job during a very difficult period, and I am aware that I am still having a tricky time. I can feel it, as last night after getting the news I felt jittery and quite 'un-real', which has been happening a lot recently. Later I had an anxiety attack, which is such a shame after getting great news, but I'm really trying not to get down about it.  Getting the job is going to be great in so many ways, however I really need to take care of myself at the moment. I need to rest a lot, and I need to be gentle.

I suppose self-awareness is a quieter type of success. To celebrate I am going to focus on self-care as my number one priority. I want to be stable, and I want peace and security, therefore I am going to try to hone in on the elements in life that bring this to me. Job is looking good, so now I can try my best keep focus on the other areas of my life that need addressing. Step by step.

I feel like this is a big step for me, in the way I am looking at things.

I was thinking of going out at lunchtime and finding some lovely smelling bubblebath, maybe some massage oil and a scented candle. Also possibly a piece of fluffy clothing!  I would love to find new ways to celebrate success that are safe, stable, secure, peaceful, caring, gentle and restorative. If anyone has ideas, I would love to hear them.

[Snowdrop]

Your thoughts on self-awareness and self-care sound great. I think they are significant steps.

A couple of weeks ago I treated myself to a new throw from the teddy bear range at Dunelm. It's the cosiest thing ever, and being wrapped up in it is like getting an extra special hug .

[Not Alone]

So today I want to celebrate the self compassion and awareness that I have developed. .....  Getting the job is going to be great in so many ways, however I really need to take care of myself at the moment. I need to rest a lot, and I need to be gentle.

I suppose self-awareness is a quieter type of success. To celebrate I am going to focus on self-care as my number one priority. I want to be stable, and I want peace and security, therefore I am going to try to hone in on the elements in life that bring this to me. Job is looking good, so now I can try my best keep focus on the other areas of my life that need addressing. Step by step.

I feel like this is a big step for me, in the way I am looking at things.

I was thinking of going out at lunchtime and finding some lovely smelling bubblebath, maybe some massage oil and a scented candle. Also possibly a piece of fluffy clothing!  I would love to find new ways to celebrate success that are safe, stable, secure, peaceful, caring, gentle and restorative. If anyone has ideas, I would love to hear them.

Great that you are focusing on self-care and self-nurturing. I recently bought myself two pairs of sweat pants. It sounds like a minor thing, but it really was a big deal to me to be able to care for myself by wearing comfortable and nurturing clothing.

The ideas that you listed to buy to help you celebrate sound like great ideas. Do you have a soft, comfy blanket?

[Sasha]

Comfy clothes and soft blankets.... mmmmmm.... I love those things so much <3 Have a number of lovely comforting things, including my favourite blanket that I call Big Red. That blanket is always there for me!

Both of your comments helped me to feel more accepting of looking at celebration in a different way. I'm going to keep working on this.

Yesterday I did a fair bit of writing, which really helped.

Today I feel better than I have done in a while. Relaxed and fairly happy. Less anxiety. What a relief.

I have been reading The Secret Garden on and off for about a year. I love the themes inside it and feel like it was written for me. I definitely recommend this book for comfortable reading, with gems of beauty and meaning.

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you're feeling better. I love The Secret Garden.

[Sasha]

The job news is settling in. Lots to think about as it a position of responsibility during a time of organisational change. And I'm excited. I love my work and want to help bring about positive change for this org as best as I can.

I think I'm going to tell them about my PTSD from the offset. I will explain that I attended my job interview on a rough day, so I can and will often be functional despite symptoms. I want to let them know because I am there to influence positive change in the organisation, so for me it is important to find out more about their current occupational wellbeing and support system, and to see what might need improving. 

I've used Mind's Wellness Action Plan in the workplace before, where I disclosed to my manager and provided examples of how my workplace could help. We developed a plan together and it showed me how supportive managers and workplaces can be. It helped me a lot, as I felt more able to come in on rough days, to do what I could. I was praised for persevering and in turn it actually often helped me through difficult patches. I still work as a consultant with this org so it didn't dampen their view of me at all. Inspiring, no?!

Here is a link in case anyone might find it useful
https://www.mind.org.uk/workplace/mental-health-at-work/taking-care-of-your-staff/employer-resources/wellness-action-plan-download/

[Not Alone]

Today I feel better than I have done in a while. Relaxed and fairly happy. Less anxiety. What a relief.

I have been reading The Secret Garden on and off for about a year. I love the themes inside it and feel like it was written for me. I definitely recommend this book for comfortable reading, with gems of beauty and meaning.

So glad you are feeling better and also finding nurturing ways to celebrate your new job.
I love "The Secret Garden" also.

[Sasha]

Trust.

That's what has been affected.

I trust people easily when my instincts tell me it is safe to do so.

However it is fragile. Small incidents that have triggered me have damaged the trust I felt.

I don't feel relaxed anymore. I am doing the abandonment tango with myself. Everything with this person feels tainted.

When sorry has been said, when weeks have passed, how can trust be rebuilt?

Maybe they could do more. Maybe they will if I tell them this.

I'm scared that saying my trust has been affected will be used against me, and past partners spring to mind ... "you have trust issues".... yes, I do, but only when something has frightened me.

An incident a couple of weeks ago frightened me.

How do we rebuild?

[woodsgnome]

Sasha, you wondered: "How do we rebuild?"

I've looked long and hard at this, and every time I thought I'd figured it out, it often collapsed again. The 'whys' are easier than the 'hows'. The words (resiliency, faith, love, etc.) also come easier than the doing parts associated with those values.

From my own experience, I've often wondered why I ever tried trusting again. The long answer involves thinking circumstances were different the next time I encountered a trust situation. Often they were, but my willingness to trust was turned against me so often I had to wonder if I was maybe gullible or what was the matter.

The only word that stuck from the values I wanted was discernment; beyond the word, though, I still needed to develop better discernment. This meant working with my inner notions of what was right for my whole being -- body, mind, heart, soul, spirit. It still isn't foolproof, but it helps to acknowledge and honour this aspect of learning when it seems safe to trustor . Perhaps that involves more unlearning, or just better boundaries, I don't know. So much of this is like trying to find a foothold in the dark. 

So I guess the basic trust I need is trusting myself, and not being so easily pressured into situations and/or people I only thought I could trust. Deep down wanted so bad to finally trust while ignoring the signals (discernment) that all was not well. It's like so much else -- it's tiring; why can't I just trust? On top of that, it's bitterly disappointing. Yet here we are -- still looking, survivors writing our own handbook for the next direction to take.

Sorry I stepped into your journal like this, Sasha; you obviously touched a nerve of mine that rides close to the surface. I hope your journey and wonder about trust can somehow mellow to where these tricky trust issues are at least tolerable.