Sasha is not my real name

[Sasha]

Starting a new journal.

Today has been tiring. I have emailed six therapists in my area, had a phone assessment and subsequent rejection for short-term counselling, and redirected back to doctor. Obviously 

What do I want? Peace
When do I want it? Um... now?

Have some aches and pains, physical symptoms maybe. Cognition has been foggy. Couldn't quite see earlier. Managed to get some work done though!

Phone assessor said, what is one word to describe your mum when you were younger? I said 'depressed'. And the word to describe my dad was 'drunk'.

Have cancelled plans tonight. Need to rest.

[Not Alone]

Those two words "depressed" and "drunk" say an awful lot. Hope you get good rest tonight.

[Sasha]

Those two words "depressed" and "drunk" say an awful lot. Hope you get good rest tonight.

...indeed.

Thank you notalone. I put on some relaxing music and made a lovely warming stew, feel tonnes better. I'm fighting off guilt about not going out of the house today by reminding myself that tomorrow I will be walking thousands of steps at work and managing a team of staff 

Sometimes (when I can see straight) I think I'm pretty incredible. Resilient and that.

Super glad that, althought the symptoms are very strong at times, life in general does seem more settled these days. Want to do what I can to find increasing sense of peace and security.

This is the first time I've lived somewhere for more than a year in a long time.

[Sasha]

I dream of autumn fires
Where the only colour I feel is
Deep burned orange
Where the only sounds I hear are
Cat purr, dog snore and log crackle

I dream of my husband's words
As he adores me eternally
Each night in his arms
Under a sky of stars that smiles
Happy at the peace we have found

I dream of small worlds
In my arms that I keep safe
And the sounds of my children laughing
When we wrap them in warm bath towels
After bubblebath punk hair antics

I dream of walking in my garden
To deadhead the roses
Another summer behind us
Pink twilight an hour backwards
Looking into my house of love

[Aphotic]

Those two words "depressed" and "drunk" say an awful lot. Hope you get good rest tonight.

...indeed.

Thank you notalone. I put on some relaxing music and made a lovely warming stew, feel tonnes better. I'm fighting off guilt about not going out of the house today by reminding myself that tomorrow I will be walking thousands of steps at work and managing a team of staff 

Sometimes (when I can see straight) I think I'm pretty incredible. Resilient and that.

Super glad that, althought the symptoms are very strong at times, life in general does seem more settled these days. Want to do what I can to find increasing sense of peace and security.

This is the first time I've lived somewhere for more than a year in a long time.

Your post's positivity really radiates with me. I know how hard it can be to fight that guilt. I'm rooting for you and your tomorrow endeavours!

[Sasha]

Thanks Perplex.

I really want to feel connected. Feel very lost and spaced out at the moment. Depressed.

Lots going on. Also not a lot going on. If you get me. The lots going on is my head. The not a lot going on is what I'm doing with my life.

Feel stuck. Empty.

Have private therapist intro today.

They said they recognise my name from local stuff so first need to work out if we can work together.

Also they just changed the time which I can adapt to but I don't feel confident about it.

Trying to manage my expectations. Felt so happy when they got in touch with a time. Now feel pessimistic about the whole thing.

Plus I can't really afford it.

Nothing is ever simple. Really wanted to swear then. Feel angry!

[Aphotic]

I understand the pain, Sasha. Especially the thinking part. The world around could be so peaceful yet our inner minds in such turmoil. It happens like that sometimes... But I think you'll be able to manage it all! Just one step at a time.

[Sasha]

Thanks for the understanding Perplex 

[Sasha]

Therapy intro went well I think. I felt nervous, definitely worried that they wouldn't like me, or wouldn't want to work with me. However I felt empathy from them. I noticed how frightened and helpless I felt, and I imagine they perceived that. I had to stop myself from just blurting everything out and fought back tears. It's been five years I've been working on this alone. The idea of a space to speak about my inner world, memories, symptoms... I just can't explain how right that feels. The relief at the idea of placing it somewhere and with someone specific. An assessment session has been scheduled for next week.

I've been feeling so alone. Changes to my partners schedule are difficult for me to cope with right now. Gone from present and living together, to not living together and a lot of new work commitments. Last night I cried a lot and was comforted. Have been writing the whole relationship off in my head due to not coping well with the sudden distance, due to circumstance and also him being more tired and sometimes moody. Have been going into eggshell-treading mode and I struggle to voice up in a way that could be helpful. I hope that he can notice more and manage his own behaviour. I don't have the strength to tell someone what to do, or how to treat me.

Last night I thought that I crave the feeling that I am the centre of someone's world. That they can't 'put me down' or won't even leave me. Inner child cravings, from very young to older. I think there was a long time that I felt 'left' and alone. I understand that this isn't healthy adult thinking.

I told him and he gave me so many hugs and stroked my hair and I felt bonded again, and it just feels so amazing, like I've never felt love before. Our skin touching when I'm connected is like new worlds exploding in my mind. I told him that I wish that for one day he could feel what I feel, and have the memories that I have, and that I feel like a tree that is all leaves but no roots.

I've spent so long feeling alone. Even in previous romantic relationships, I think I've been alone in my head and in my inner world.

[Three Roses]

I told him that I wish that for one day he could feel what I feel, and have the memories that I have, and that I feel like a tree that is all leaves but no roots.

What an eloquent depiction! I hope you're feeling better, Sasha.

[Sasha]

Thanks Perplex.  It does feel apt.

After connecting again two days ago, today I was numb and flighty again, finding it difficult to connect again with partner. I 'blocked him out' for the first part of seeing each other.

And then I said to my parts that could t believe his existence, that denied I could have something here and now that is true and consistent and loving, and the parts that live in the sad neglectful lonely past...

I said: Look at him. Put down your book. Look at him, and notice his hair and his body and the way he moves, in your house. He is here.

[Sasha]

It has been an eventful 24 hours.

I went out last night and felt totally spaced out - and then fully detached, dissociated what have you, in a pub where I normally feel comfy.

I struggled to ground. Got home and shut down, 'tidying' but actually just shut down. Overwhelmed. Lay down to sleep and suicidal thoughts and half dreams of self harm freaked me out. Got up and told partner. Was honest. Wasn't sure what to do. Considered A&E as felt so bad. So tired. So bad and like my brain was just melting. We talked for a long time and I drank herb tea. Felt calmer. Decided to go to bed and get urgent DRs appt next day.

Cuddled and talked this morning. Partner has more awareness after my honesty. Started off relatively stable today but a trigger sent me into frozen mess, couldn't move, slow, couldn't speak. Very strong symptoms atm.

Partner helped me a lot throughout today. I incredibly managed to attend a job interview. Have no idea how I did. Just amazed I even got there and gave it a go.

Had DRs and spoke with very nice person who was understanding. I went to request psychiatric assessment, as have not been diagnosed with PTSD and have read guidelines that say PTSD sufferers should not be treated with non-trauma specific options. She totally got it and has referred me to the in-house psyc team for assessment for PTSD.

Partner came with me to docs. Felt so supported today.

Absolutely. Exhausted. 

[Three Roses]

I'm glad you've taken some healthy, beneficial steps! That's huge! 

One thing I might add is that ptsd is much different than cptsd. I know you're exhausted at the moment but here's an article to save for later - https://www.talkspace.com/blog/complex-ptsd-versus-standard-ptsd/

And some printable info for any upcoming appointments https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads

I know that's a lot so I'll quit  take care and if you can I'm interested in updates.

[Jazzy]

Its great that your partner was such a support for you today, and all the things you got accomplished. I hope you get some good rest to help you feel better soon.

Take care!

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry you've been having a rough time, but well done for going to the DRs, and I'm glad your partner was so supportive. I hope your assessment goes well.