Sasha is not my real name

[Sasha]

Thank you for chiming in woodsgnome. Your words were confusing to me at first but reading them again I think I get more of what your saying.

I have been crying a lot the past two weeks. Speaking with a friend last night I felt so sad in front of her, which was revealing to me, as she is someone I can truly feel how I need to feel with as I feel so incredibly safe with her. We talked about the sadness I have been feeling about my relationship changing, and recent disappointments that have weighed heavily on me. We explored a spectrum of possibilities - end it? just do my own thing? ... (which feels to me like ending it tbh)... I kept coming back to absolute feelings of sadness. Despite knowing that my partner has been trying very hard, and clearly cares, it seems a few key incidents really rocked me during a period when I have been having a bloody hard time! That sadness is possibly about hardship and life pain.

I had an 'assessment' for PTSD that turned out to be total rubbish... a 15 minute chat with someone who talked over me, scoffed at the idea of me having an assessment, and suggested I had a personality disorder (despite not listening and not assessing me). I felt humiliated and hugely deeply bereft at this experience. I built up to this so much, thinking it would lead to treatment options, and felt very nervous about the disclosure I was expecting to go through and full of anticipation.

My partner forgot about this appointment and the night before he was moody and tired. I felt so alone. The morning of it he drove like a lunatic not wanting us to be late, and it scared me. After the appointment he didn't pick me up like he said he would. I walked home crying and got into bed. For the first time since knowing him I absolutely did not want to see him. I felt so 'left', as well as feeling distraught at the disappointment and futility of the appointment.

This followed an incident a few days before where he had been frustrated in the middle of a task and dropped something large in anger that smashed closed to me. The smashing and the stressful emotions triggered me and I spent 2 days feeling very bad, confused and angry that he had done this, especially as I thought he knew how much things like this can mess me up. He said sorry and that he was angry with himself for this happening, and that he didn't mean to scare me. I struggled with this but it felt suitable to forgive him. I cried a lot due to how much pain the whole incident brought up for me. For two days afterwards I had a trigger hangover with more physical symptoms, difficulty concentrating and some more.

So the doctor disappointment came after this. And since then it has just been one thing after another. My head has been going "go away, leave me alone, I don't want to see you" and I have had flashbacks of my mother a few times when he has tried to be close and comforting, of when she would hurt me and then try to comfort me later, when I was crying in bed, or feeling very scared. I found this disorienting and confusing as a child and have been feeling this way as of recent. It is a newer flashback for me.

I can articulate this now but I do find that when things are tricky sometimes I can't think let alone write. I really lost my own comforting helpful guiding voice during this time, which felt frightening. I have felt very alone and scared for the past two weeks.

Speaking to my friend last night, and my brother who was very helpful, I feel like I have established a few things.

It seems that both my partner and I have been experiencing a lot of stress. He has a very demanding job, long hours that demand his full attention and a lot of responsibility. He has an unwell relative who he is worried about, and also has a constant painful health condition. I feel very bad writing this as he really is having an ongoing tough time that I don't know what I can do to support.  Perhaps this is something I need to think about more. I also think he has been very worried about me as I have not been feeling great recently. Perhaps a vicious cycle is going on between us? 

The relationship has become a bit of an emotional dumping ground, as I have been struggling to access any therapeutic support (not for lack of trying!!!). I have been feeling like I need him for this recently and I have felt saddened at feeling like I suddenly don't have his support, affection or care. It has been devastating, to be honest. I have cried so much. However, through speaking With trusted loved one, I realise that I can help myself distributing the load by talking to friends (I'm going to see my friend again tonight), doing more things that I enjoy, getting back to myself again.

My partner and I talked the other day a lot and I felt it best if we see each other less at the moment, focussing on quality time and not quantity. This is a big change as we didn't stop seeing each other after we met, so the changes have felt like loss to me, however if I focus on looking after myself more at the moment hopefully I will find some strength and resilience, the capacity to support him again.

[Not Alone]

Sasha,
You have been going through so much. Glad you are reaching out to a friend.

I feel angry at the person who did the assessment for not listening to you. That person should have acted in a way that made you feel heard, not humiliated.

Sorry it's so hard right now.

[Sasha]

Thanks to everyone who has commented on my journal and been very supportive. It is incredibly kind and I am sorry I am not more giving on this forum. I hope there is a flip point where I can give more.

Sometimes I don't write for a while because things are ticking along, and sometimes I don't write because things are too difficult to put it down. I am wondering what it is that makes me get the urge to write on here. I suppose it likely changes, however I do know that I often cannot find resources and discourses that explore the nuances of trauma at the hand of family and major people in ones life.

A few days ago me and other members of my family were criticised for 'not supporting' my brother who has been violent to three of my FOO, including me. This came in the form of being uninvited to a very close friend's wedding, as their family is now supporting him after he was forced by the police to leave my mums house, after he assaulted her.  He turned up hundred of miles away at the friends family home and they took him in, against our advice. We were very concerned as had asked the police to take him in when he next surfaced, however the family did not want that.

I know the lengths that I personally have gone to try and support this person, and I did represent myself and my mum in response to this criticism and to being uninvited, as well as wishing my old friend the best. I appreciate that the family are helping him and I think he is very lucky to have them. They say is making progress with them by engaging with doctors, something he would not entertain when mentioned by me, and they don't want me being there to undo this. They also said there is animosity because they are supporting him like a son, where his biological family are not. I explained that I no longer know how to support him and can't be involved with someone who is consistently and seriously violent towards me. The friend understood and we agreed that it is a very difficult situation.

I cried so much afterwards, feeling that I have already lost my brother and am now losing my oldest friends and their family, who have also been like family to me. I felt uncomfortable imagining them and other close friends together at Christmas, talking about the decision to uninvite me.

From what I understand my brother absolutely hates me. I have realised in the last few days that I am processing and recovering from two different periods in my life, and relating to two different, albeit related, sets of events. One of these is my childhood trauma in the family home, and one is the more recent trauma of my brother being violent towards me adulthood.

I started seeing a therapist at the end of last year. We had a few sessions however she has had to stop seeing me for 6 weeks due to family bereavement. Maybe when I go back I should talk to her about my brother. My CPTSD has been extremely bad, morbidly fearful,  panic filled and jumpy since incidents with my brother over the last few years.

Could it be that I have both CPTSD and PTSD, from these more recents attacks? 

[Sasha]

Wipe out days.
You know. When you’ve been triggered
And boom
It rolls on.
Plans fall apart
Tears fall more and again and
Breathing is still or jagged
All of the spectrum is experienced
Words are lost
Words are found
Words are tumbling
Time is lost.
A friend is frustrated
Trying to help
But I can’t meet their eyes
Nor the world right now
Outdoors is a strange place
Full of possibilities I can’t engage
And the light
Hurts my eyes

[Snowdrop]

I can relate to your words so much.

I missed your earlier post. It sounds awful. I hope you're able to see your therapist again soon, if you're not already.

[MoonBeam]

Sasha, I understand and can really relate to your feelings, so beautifully expressed. You are not alone. I hope you can rest a bit, the trigger passes and there is some reprieve. It's hard to feel like we need to or want to care for others who are trying to care for us, when for me, I could barely tell what I needed at all in those moments. Everything shuts down and it's not our fault. It's the way we learned to cope, to get through.

I missed your earlier post as well and want to say, It takes great strength to  choose your well-being, in stepping away from an abusive relationship, over the pain of losing loved ones. Perhaps if your B can find some help with this other family, there will be room for repair for all of you down the road.

[Sasha]

Hi all.

I have started seeing a good therapist. I feel like we are making progress however am finding it very difficult this week following a deep session after intense triggering earlier that day.

We are going into all areas and I feel comfortable with this, but compared to how I normally handle being triggered and dissociation, this time I feel intensely confused, and am struggling with intensity of emotion, intensity of dissociation and some very disorienting internal conflicts.

My therapist is telling me I need to experience the unresolved feelings from my childhood. Not fix them, not escape them, but feel them. They have said that I deserved better and that it is sad that I spent so long learning that my feelings didn't matter, with my space and world being invaded all the time. I agree with all of this and I feel acknowledged.

During this period of symptoms I am struggling to understand 'what to do'. As if given permission, I am definitely staying with my feelings more than usual, which is incredibly uncomfortable.  I feel tired, depressed, confused and have been upset for days.

I am trying to communicate with my partner, however this is a huge struggle. My partner feels worried that I am annoyed at what they are doing and not doing, whereas more than anything I feel scared and am frightened to need help, to want help and to be let down. We have talked about this.

Today I thought that dissociation is accompanied with (or maybe just is) a type of regression. Where I was forced to look after myself and others so young, I have a strong head on my shoulders. With dissociation I lose my internal voice that parents me and tells me how to problem solve. This terrifies me, and I have to rest and wait til I can problem solve again, and help myself feel a bit better, regaining my internal parent voice.

This is confusing with my partner. When they offer help I feel fear and anticipate rejection, probably because I was not offered help by the people around me. It is confusing. To accept help makes me vulnerable, and I also don't know what help I need, so am unable to guide.. it's very hit and miss and although we are learning my partner often  feels useless and criticised.

I feel super frightened because the help I crave is a lot more regressive than I care to admit. I crave someone to make safe choices for me, to help me be warm, make me food, give me water and maybe wipe my tears or help me in very basic ways. This is when I am so dissociated that I am twitching, staring into nothing, unable to speak, silent tears. This has been on and off for 3 days as I write this.

I do tend so say I should be alone, not because this is what I want, but because I feel safer. I feel scared of causing my partner harm through exposure to my state, which I fear might be confusing for them. I feel frustrated that I can't communicate my needs well enough, and when I try sometimes they can't understand them. I feel angry to depend on someone and want to avoid how let down and disappointed I become.

Something I am aware of this week is how frustrating all of this is. If I am supposed to sit with these emotions, then we will have to acknowledge as a partnership how frustrating it feels for both of us not to be able to easily fix it.

My partner wants to know if what they should and shouldn't do to help. Today I admitted how meeting basic needs of mine is the most helpful and they were very accepting of this. I feel confused about whether this is healthy or acceptable, as it feels very strange for me to say I need help with these things.

I also explained that when I am not well, to feel like they go out their way and put me first really helps, as this definitely breaks the cycle of me feeling in the past. This morning  there was an opportunity for them to put me first, and they didn't take it. It caused me so much upset. I feel guilty for placing my needs so highly. Is this wrong, I just don't know. I feel like I don't know up from down right now.

[Sasha]

Today is Friday, I was triggered on Tuesday morning. Today I feel better. I went for a walk with my partner which is the first time I've been out and about for a couple of days. The light wasn't processing properly, and I feel like I can't focus when this happens. I think it is a cognitive hangover, not related to my eyesight. Everything is visually scatty, but also I feel scatty as well. Despite making it out I felt very tired and my head was low. With the foggy cognition stuff going on I felt quite unsure of things and wished I was home quickly. I wanted my partner to hold my hand, which after a while they did, and my tears flowed at this point. I struggled to vocalise but said quietly that I feel so tired of it all. That is what I feel today. A lot clearer and better, but still affected and fairly low. Tired and sore. It is still, however, such a relief to feel that the worse has passed. My therapist has advised me to imagine where I am on a scale of 0-10, 0 being absolutely okay, and 10 being absolutely not okay. Yesterday I was 10 on the scale, this morning I am probably 3-5. When resting I feel 3, when communicating and out in the world I feel 5, mostly due to exhaustion I think.

[Sasha]

Last night, on day 3 of major symptoms following a trigger and concurrent breakdown of functioning, I drank a herb tea mix with: Passion flower, lime flower and chamomile. It seemed to take the edge off and I felt relaxed afterwards, and pleasantly sleepy. Which makes a change from the twitchy overtired kind of exhausted I've been for days.

I used to make herb tea mixtures years ago, and am going to go to the herb shop later to buy some ingredients.

Am thinking to create specific treatment strategies for the different stages of my trauma response symptoms:

• shock (straight after trigger)
• dissociation, disorientation, de-realisation
• confusion and cognitive fogginess
• exhaustion and over-tiredness
• hyper-vigilance and anxiety
• tension headaches and occular migraines
• aching body (usually from where I've been hunched up and very still for days)

I reckon looking at these as stages ongoing might be helpful. They all have a different impact, even though they are vastly related.

[Sasha]

Just got triggered again. Felt like I was relaxing after days and partner put on something to do watch that made me feel uncomfortable and then had a disturbing scene showing parental abuse. Not good. Feels so tiring.

[Sasha]

I feel like writing in capitals. Not shouting. Just a strong repetitive feeling.

I  D O  N O T  W A N T  E M O T I O N S  A N Y M O R E

[Sasha]

• Partner wants space to find himself, on his terms, regularly.
• I've been trying to support this. It hurts, regularly.

Compromise compromise compromise. Something I'm VERY good at based on consistently having my needs trampled on and having to adapt all the time.

Recent relationship has felt better - I've been more communicative, feeling more authentic and expressing difficult emotions.

I've tried to support his need to his own space. After all, that's not odd? It's normal! I've wanted that in previous relationships myself.

But at this time in my life, I just don't want it. I want someone to want me in their life everyday. When we spend a lot of time together I feel so relaxed. The push and pull of my partner needing space feels too much for me.

I'm unhappy. He's unhappy. Both of us are trying to get our needs met, both of us are trying to meet the others needs. But we're hurting.

Are we incompatible?

Is this where compromise has to stop?

Should I try harder, challenge my anxious fearful attachment feelings and stick it out?

He says he wants to live with me one day. I just want it to be now.

I feel like the wounded child is so loud and I don't know whether it's bad or good. I can't tell whether it's also my adult self. I think it is. I think all of me just wants to be wanted by the person I am with.

Not forced to take space and again prove my resilience and ability to adapt and compromise. I want someone to allow me to rest and stop forcing me to be independent in life.

I want to nest and be intimate, loved, cocooned, wanted, adored, cherished. I want a teammate, a partner, a spouse.

I WANT TO BE THE CENTRE OF SOMEONES WORLD!

Do any adults truly have this and feel secure in their marriage and relationship?

Or is it too late? Am I yearning for something an adult can never have? Do I need to let go, grieve, submit?

I wish people would stop forcing me to be brave and strong and alone. I wish someone would just wrap me in their arms and allow me to rest and stop there, with them.

I don't know if I even deserve this. I hope I do. I hope I am and can be a good enough partner. I so want this.

[holidayay]

I feel like the wounded child is so loud and I don't know whether it's bad or good. I can't tell whether it's also my adult self. I think it is. I think all of me just wants to be wanted by the person I am with.

Not forced to take space and again prove my resilience and ability to adapt and compromise. I want someone to allow me to rest and stop forcing me to be independent in life.

I want to nest and be intimate, loved, cocooned, wanted, adored, cherished. I want a teammate, a partner, a spouse.

I WANT TO BE THE CENTRE OF SOMEONES WORLD!

Do any adults truly have this and feel secure in their marriage and relationship?

Or is it too late? Am I yearning for something an adult can never have? Do I need to let go, grieve, submit?

I wish people would stop forcing me to be brave and strong and alone. I wish someone would just wrap me in their arms and allow me to rest and stop there, with them.

I so resonate with this.
It sounds like your inner child talking loud and clear?
In terms of adults having this....I don't personally believe the 'adult' you needs this. I think unconditional love is a period in our young lives where if it is not met, and I think it isn't met in many people - those of us from abusive families experiencing the worst of what this looks like - I don't think it can be recaptured. I read somewhere someone's opinion that until we become aware, most of us spend the rest of our lives avenging the inner wounded child.
However, I have also read - and personally agree with - the idea of mourning this loss. Of feeling the feelings we didn't get to feel (this seems for me the most challenging bit) and having support during THIS period can heal a lot of the wounding caused by missing out on the safety, acceptance, love and validation we missed out on.

It sounds like your inner child is crying out right now. And she deserves to, after all she has been through. I'm sorry its such a rough experience, but I can see in you a gritty and fierce spirit. You will heal over time, I feel.

[Sasha]

I don't know where to start. It's been a while. My partner and I broke up. Or rather he left me. In April.

I've been up and down. These last two weeks have been hard. I found out he is seeing someone new. A week later I witnessed stranger street violence that has caused trauma response.

Today I woke up and went back to bed. For two weeks me head has been swimming with thoughts and feelings towards the partner I have lost. I feel low. He was very supportive and helped me a lot with trauma responses and CPTSD / PTSD symptoms.

My therapist has suggested I could start to treat the loss like a death, and so I invited him to a 'ritual ending' on my terms, next week, where we are writing goodbye letters to one another. I already digitally deleted him when I found out about the new woman. Maybe this will give me a gentler sense of finality. I don't know. Right now I am swarmed with the feeling of him, images of him with someone else, feelings of loneliness and hopelessness, loss and longing.

I'm not okay. Finding the energy and mindset to bathe, clean up, go to the shops... it feels like too much. This week I engaged in destructive coping mechanisms that I'm not happy about. Stranger sex. Drugs. Alcohol. Hyper socialising. I feel frazzled. I want to look after myself but I feel like a ghost of sorts. 

[Not Alone]

That is a big loss.