Family member who is incredibly unwell

[Sasha]

NC/LC... how do I know if this is the right thing when a family member is incredibly mentally ill? They have extreme mania and psychosis. They have been aggressive and violent to me and others. They are currently trying to get help. Two other family members have gone NC with this person. How do I know what the right thing to do is? They are so ill. I feel fear and do not want to be harmed, or have my life destabilised, but I feel guilt as they need treatment and I have been advocating for them for many years, only recently stopping. Do I stop for good? Do I walk away for good? Or go LC? If so... How?

[Blueberry]

imo protecting yourself from an aggressive, violent person is paramount. I'd say you've done your part in trying to get help for many years and the person is only just reaching out for help now. It's even conceivable that the person will get back to relying on you if you start helping again. A person with extreme mania and psychosis needs qualified medical personnel!

Our sister website for people dealing with family members with personality disorders is called Out of the FOG. FOG stands for Fear Obligation Guilt. Feeling 'guilt' is something we cptsd-ers tend to do, mostly it was instilled into us at an early age.

Maybe check out their website eg. https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do/  or https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/no-contact There's a forum too. I've learnt a lot there about setting boundaries and saving myself before FOO members. Idk whether my FOO mbrs really have PDs (personality disorders) but they are emotionally very unhealthy. That's what counts for me. Equally somebody with psychosis and mania is probably strictly speaking not PD but relationship mechanisms will be similar in various aspects I'm sure.

[Perplex]

I personally don't believe that it's your responsibility to take care of someone like that. There are many resources out there, professionals and experts who can handle it in such a way that helps both parties. But looking after yourself is the most important thing.
Every time I struggle with that guilt of caring for others, I remember this... If you go on an air-plane, they always say that 'in case of emergencies, put your oxygen mask on first'. Many would immediately feel hesitant about this, preferring to protect the others around them that cannot help themselves. However, if the first thing you do is start handing out masks, you'll realise you're running out of oxygen - and you won't be able to help anymore, not even yourself. That's why they ask you to help yourself first, because once you're okay, it makes it a lot easier to do anything for others.
Of course, with CPTSD it's even harder to do these sorts of things. I believe it is important to set a line between others that might hurt you, take care.

Regards,
Complex.

[Kizzie]

It's normal to feel conflicted about other people's health and well-being even when it conflicts with our own. It means we haven't lost our sense of humanity and that's a good thing considering what we've been through.

Does this person have a GP you could speak to and explain that you are going LC/NC and that the health/social services systems need to step up because you won't be doing so now?  In cases like this all we can do really is try and get the system to do its job. 

[Three Roses]

I agree with everything Blueberry, Perplex, and Kizzie have said.

Going no contact or limited contact is a highly personal decision. It's difficult no matter how you look at it. There's the ingrained sense of familial duty, societal pressures, guilt, the sense that we're not worthy of feeling safe, or that we need to subjugate our own needs to accommodate others.

My sibling has been mentally unstable his entire life. Cutting off contact with him was one of the best things I've ever done to take care of myself. But it sure wasn't easy to overcome the brainwashing I received! When I was about 18 or 20 or so my parents even told me I'd probably have to take care of him my entire life. He was always excused by them from consequences because of his emotional limitations, so I grew up feeling like I had to endure everything he dished out.

Now that he's not in my life, I feel much safer, more stable.

Here's an article on boundaries that really helped me a lot, I hope you find it helpful too.

"How Traumatic Boundary Violations Destroy The Capacity for Self-Care"

http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=1911