stuck stuck stuck

[Hope67]

Dear Sanmagic,
Glad that your T is going well, it sounds like you did a lot of great work together - I'd like to send you a hug, 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

love your hugs, hope.  thank you.

i'm glad i took the chance and decided to go for it.  it's so nice to have a backup, someone to lean on.  i paused for a minute about if this was worth it, to try again, after i'd read another post about doing this at an older age.  it's going to make these golden years less about struggling, more about enjoying.  i have a hard time enjoying anything while my mind is at war.  i'm just too tired for this anymore - been doing it for too long.  and this last round of triggers , the results have lasted over 3 months now.  that's too too much to continue to bear.

[Snowdrop]

I have enormous respect for what you're doing, San. I'm delighted that it's going well, and that you feel safe with your T.

[sanmagic7]

thank you so much, snowdrop.  that warmed my heart.   

yesterday was an amazing day (somehow i thought i wrote this already).  anyway, this was the first time i took xanax before i'd gotten to a crisis point of feeling like i was already over the edge.  i know i've been struggling, and i decided i didn't want to struggle for a day, give myself a real break, not just a 'ok, at least i can now breathe' kind of break.  the results were very different.

what happened was that i spent an entire day feeling happy.  actually feeling the happy.  i'd just told my t the day before that i've questioned that very thing several times in my life, wondering why, when i had it all, so to speak, i still didn't feel happy.  so, to have one day of it, no tension (not high, not giddy, it wasn't anything like when i was doing alc/drugs, where i felt good but still not happy), just enjoyment about what i was doing, what i ate, where i went - it was a revelation.  like, so this is what it's like to feel this. 

i didn't do xanax today, and there is a bit of residual lightness from yesterday, but the shades are still drawn most of the way down in my mind again.  i'll talk to my t about this, see what she says.  one neg. note that crept in was if she was going to be staying at her job.  she's only there 4 days/week, it's and HR position, so under gov't funding, and i suddenly got hesitant to keep opening up, getting partly into this, and then she's gone.  my stomach is upset just thinking about that.  i'll ask, but i don't even like the thought of it.

so, the struggle goes on, but it was wonderful to get that break.  i'd love to do that more often, but don't have enough meds for that.  we'll see what happens.

[sanmagic7]

triggered last nite - my ex sent my d a check for christmas.  she told me that, asked if i wanted to know how much he'd sent.  i felt myself tighten up immediately, said 'no, enjoy, buy yourself something pretty' and shut down.  i knew it was awkward for her, but all i could think of was ugliness toward him.  i was just wanting to slam myself shut so more of it wouldn't explode outward.

i'm hoping therapy will help take care of this.  i'm powerless over this, and it feels awful.  i don't know what to do anymore.  i feel really lost and confused, something i've felt for too much of my life.

ok, i can feel myself spiraling, and that's it for now.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
  That's a big hug for you - but a gentle one - I know that you've had that unexpected situation - and I really hope you feel a bit better later, as I know you mentioned that you're spiralling. 
This time of year is so tough for unexpected things happening - hope you're ok.
Hope 

[Tee]

  hug San

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope, thank you so much for that hug.  felt like you just gathered me in, and i'm grateful.

tee, so good to hear from you!  i miss you.  thank you for all the hugs, and right back atcha!

still on the edge, fighting hard, but it's so wearing.  meds help when i need a break for my mind.  gonna have to talk to a shrink if i can get referred from my t so i have enough.  this is just so stressful! 

[MoonBeam]

  to you San.  I'm sending a new, big beautiful, powerful crystal to you to recharge your outer armor, so your inner self can feel a little safer perhaps from the outside things. Want you to know I'm here with you.

Opening up to someone is so scary, feeling can be so scary and sometimes things are just really, really hard. I'm with you, thinking of you and understanding. One thought I had is that when I started to trust my T for the first time, realized she cares, I kind of started to fall apart even more. I think its 'cause it was the first time I actually felt supported, even remotely safe with another human and it allowed me to let my guard down, a little at a time, and I really needed to fall apart to whatever degree, before I could begin to put the pieces back together.
I'm still learning how, but I needed to mourn, to cry, to feel sad for the things that happened to me. Perhaps, there is a sense that you can be vulnerable with your T and that is creating a space for you to feel the sadness and in that, maybe it's a really healthy part of your process. Maybe releasing some of that allowed you to have that really connected and peaceful day-Xanax inspired or not. Idk, just a thought. Not wanting to make my experience yours. Just want to say I am so inspired by the way you are walking your path.

Wishing you peace and insight.

[sanmagic7]

hey, mb, thank you for all your thoughts.  i don't think anyone can make their experience someone else's, but i do think they can have similarities that are relatable, and i appreciate yours.  thank you for sharing.  i'm sure i have a lot of mourning to do.  both for what happened and what didn't happen that should have, if you know what i mean.  and, thank you for your kind words.   

went to brunch at a couple's house on sun., got triggered big time, ended up walking out their door crying.  she played a song she'd sung, it started out 'i once had a little girl', and i thought of my oldest d, and just broke.  couldn't listen anymore, and those words are continuing to raise their heads still today. 

so very sad, so very on edge.  i hate that this happens.  i'm having a wonderful xmas w/ my d#2, but this crapola burrows its way thru my mind and brings me up short.  i'm hiding as best i can.  all of it.  as long as i look like i'm enjoying what's going on, at least that's something good for me and my d.  looks like more meds tomorrow.  just want to get this behind me.  it's too hard.

[Not Alone]

San,

I also am enjoying Christmas with my family, but the pain is large inside, casting a shadow on my day. I even took a xanax when I got to the point of sitting on the bathroom floor, feeling the whirling in my head. Wish we could celebrate fully and joyfully. Sending you care. 

[Tee]

Hugs San holidays are hard.  I'm struggling this year too

[Blueberry]

  to you san and to you too Tee.

[sanmagic7]

notalone, sorry you struggled - i''m glad you had some meds to help you get thru.

tee, also sorry you're struggling thru all this.  hope you're feeling better.

blueberry, thanks for the hugs and for thinking of me.  so very appreciated.

well, i talked to my t, am now on xanax daily so that i'm not struggling and battling as hard all the time.  it's helping w/ that, w/ the intrusive thoughts - they seem easier to shout away.  what it's also doing, i noticed, is helping me to not hold as much tension in my body as usual.  also helping me sleep a bit better.  so, all that is to the good.

she just let me talk during our last session, thought it might be a good idea not to do actual brain work while i'm still getting used to the meds.  that was fine w/ me - i just dumped all my adulthood stuff out on her floor.  i'm feeling a little less full of it (lol!) by doing so, which feels good.  we also talked about me seeing a shrink for meds, which will be helpful, i think.  i asked if what i'm going thru is more than anxiety, and she said yes, that c-ptsd has layers and layers of stuff.  that felt good, too.

since i got back into therapy, i'm now questioning a lot more about myself in terms of emotions, feelings, how hidden they've been, how absent they've been, and whether or how much that's been a defense mechanism or an actual brain thing.  i'm not sure, may never know, but it's a bit unnerving to think that i may have been emotionless on purpose (as a defense) rather than my brain has been somehow not working correctly.  i guess as i get into more of this i'll get some answers.  alexithymia and autistic edge seemed to fit since i found out about them.  maybe that's another change of perspective i'll have to tackle.

don't want to get too far ahead of myself.  this is already a lot. 

[Tee]

  WOW it sounds like you are making some big supported steps that awesome.  Good luck on the next leg of your journey.  Hugs.