stuck stuck stuck

[sanmagic7]

thank you dear tee.  love your hugs!  hope you are ok.

[Not Alone]

Glad the xanax is taking the edge off and helping you to sleep better. Great that you were able to talk and "dump" at your last session. Sometimes that is what is most needed. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone.  i appreciate your support very much.  you're right, sometimes dumping is just what helps the most.  she also mentioned that it helps to be heard, and i agree w/ that, too.   

[sanmagic7]

wow - feeling alone and lonely today, which is rare for me.  been thinking about it all day, a thought suddenly struck me.  i don't deserve kindness cuz i'm not good enough, not worthy of it.  this is some deep-seated crapola i haven't been aware of.  definitely a target for my next session.  i believe it's why i cry so much when i'm shown a kindness, one that i can feel.  i think that way deep down inside i want to reject it. 

most of the time, i don't really feel it, when people are nice to me.  i've always accepted it as my due - my arrogance or some such defense mechanism i've developed over the years.  i'm thinking out loud here.  if i were perfect, like i've believed i've had to be, so i made it so in my mind that i was - every good thing that came to me was simply my due.  i didn't give much weight to 'things', like compliments for an achievement because that was simply part of what i was expected to do anyway.  so, of course people are going to admire what i did, would admire me.

o, geez, i just realized that this came from my book - honestly, so much has popped its head up since doing this book.  i announced it to my friends, there were about 20 of them in that email, and i heard from only one of them.  i just thought that if someone i knew had told me about something they'd done, i'd for sure respond, if only with a 'good for you', but something positive.  this has thrown me more than i realized.  writing a book at my age seems like a triumph to me, yet it seems like only a select few people very close to me, and the wonderful people here who i don't even know have given me any credit for it.

not that that's the reason i wrote it, but am i self-centered to think it's worth a pat on the back from people i've known for 50 yrs. or so?  this book had a rocky start re: my ex, and has stuck w/ me ever since, i guess.  i'm quite amazed that i actually did this, but maybe i'm so used to getting compliments that not getting them is a huge trigger?  at any rate, it did bring to my mind the idea that i'm not worth kindness and caring and patience - i always thank my d when she shows it to me, often burst into tears at how thoughtful she is toward me, a sick old lady. 

whew - lots of stuff getting uncovered here, right at this minute.  i'm not used to actually feeling negatively toward myself, so this is a blam! to the head and heart.  this is what i've covered up for so long, i guess.  do i hate myself?  i read about all the neg. beliefs that people here have about themselves, and just couldn't relate usually.  well, now i can, and it's a horrible way to feel.  i want to cry right now.  so much sadness inside me, and i think this is part of the link to it.  dang.

just had to get this out.  i hope no one thinks badly of me for this.  i'm afraid of that, even tho i know that the people here are too kind to say if they do.  still,  .  . . . . .o my heart, waves and waves of self- loathing are coming to the surface.  so ugly!  this is what so many of you feel like so often - i don't know how you've done it.  you people are incredible!

gonna go take a shower, see if i can wash some of this off, maybe smudge myself after.  i'm vibrating w/ negativity right now.  i've been a fraud. 

[Not Alone]

I don't know that you've been a fraud. I think you have had a lot of pain and have been doing what you can to survive and thrive. I know I have felt your care and that is 100% genuine. Be kind to yourself. 

[Blueberry]

san, I don't think badly of you at all!

[sanmagic7]

notalone and blueberry, you both brought tears to my eyes.  i could feel your care for and about me.  thank you so much.

it's just after the new year, and as soon as it turned midnite, i began crying.  i think i'm mourning a piece of me i've had for so long.  getting to a core issue is always difficult.  being pushed off my pedestal always shakes me up when i land on my butt.  it just hurts. 

[Not Alone]

 

[Snowdrop]

You're not a fraud. I don't think badly of you in any way. You are worthy of kindness.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone, for the hug.  i love it, and here's one back to you

snowdrop, thank you for those kind and reassuring words.  they made me tear up, but i appreciate them so much, as i appreciate you.

feeling quite hollow today, can still feel something missing.  i see my t tomorrow!  i thought i had to wait till fri.  and a wave of relief washed over me just now, a huge sigh - i'm so glad.  i'll make it thru today.  you've all been so helpful to me.  for some reason i'm feeling ashamed.  cuz i feel so needy?  that might be it, i'm feeling needy for other peoples' words of kindness, letting me know that my pic of me is distorted.

i thought of how difficult it is for people who think ill of themselves, have done so for most of their lives, to begin feeling better about who they are.  they have a mountain to climb sometimes while pushing a huge rock.  they start from the bottom and have to work their way to the top.  for me, i've started at the top, and have to get chopped down off my pedestal - i'd already put myself at the top.  but, when i think of it, i guess i've been at the bottom this whole time, just lived in the illusion of being up there, above everyone.  breaking that illusion, no matter from which direction (cuz i totally believe that it's an illusion how badly we think of ourselves, too) is difficult.

o, i'm rambling now.  i'm feeling so hollow, i want to fill my space up with words.  i've done that a lot in my life.

[Sceal]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hug, sceal.  i know you're with me.

[Wattlebird]

Hi San
You've always been an enormous encouragement to me and many others here, thank you so much for your love and empathy, I'm sorry your feeling hollow that's such a horrible feeling.
But as I read your posts I felt I needed to tell u what an encouragement you've been, I haven't expressed it nearly enough in the past
Wb

[sanmagic7]

wattlebird, that was so sweet of you to tell me all that.  thank you so very much. these responses i'm getting from people help encourage me as well.  i don't know that i would've lasted this long w/o them.

[woodsgnome]

Wattlebird's comment: "You've always been an enormous encouragement to me and many others."

       

As one of the 'others', I admire and am sometimes in awe of your comments here. They're insightful, thoughtful, and empathetic. Sometimes it's not easy to get past the stuck parts, for all of us. Thank you so much for being you, and in the process helping us all 'ford the stream', so to speak.