stuck stuck stuck

[sanmagic7]

notalone, my experience w/ t's has been horrific.  1st was npd, damaged me no end.  i've had to fire 3 out of 6 for harm or incompetence, 1 bailed on me, one was meh.  i want a t who will take care of me, help me.  i've had to tell t's what i need, how i need it, how to do it, even.  i've had to work thru their damage layered over my other traumas.  not one told me i was traumatized and treated me for that. 

ok, gotta stop.  this is all too triggering.  thanks for your support and concern, sweetie.

thanks tee, i love your comfort and care.  thanks for being with me.

[Kizzie]

Setting out a basin of warm water with a dash of epsom salts to soak your foot and a lovely fluffy towel to dry it with. I'm so sorry you haven't heard back from your T, I know how anxiety provoking that can be.  Hold everyone's well wishes, care and concern close to your heart, it might help the pressure in your chest subside a bit. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, kizzie - that's a great reminder, and i'll do just that.  and thanks for the nurturing for my foot.  it sucks that i can't walk outdoors - i get so much piece of mind (yep, spelled it correctely) when i do that. 

[Blueberry]

i think, and so sad to realize this, that i may have to call her again, get the energy up for myself once more, wishing she'd do it for me.  i'm so ired, this is so wearing.   

Dear san,

I so get this. Especially having to get the energy up for yourself, that being so tiring and wearing, wishing the other would do it. She was meant to contact you wasn't she? Or at least she shouldn't be so difficult to reach!

Idk what I can say to help, except to send   sit with you and feel  on your behalf.

[sanmagic7]

bb, you are a sweetheart.  thanks for all the emotion i couldn't achieve for myself!

i did talk to her, she says she knows about c-ptsd, is emdr trained, knows dissociation, all that good stuff.  i told her a little about all the damage from other t's, she said she's been hearing a lot of that lately.  hmmm . . . i'm now relieved to have an appt. in 2 weeks, and have some hope. 

taking it easy tonite, exhausted.  gotta rest again to feel better after all the stress of this.  so, i'm staying on the porch, but want to thank everyone for your care and support.  i kept you close to my heart today while waiting for the call, like kizzie suggested, and it helped keep me sane.   

[Not Alone]

San, I'm sorry you have been so hurt by so many therapists. I have some hurt from therapists also and I know the damage can severe. Glad you were able to talk to her and get some information and hope.

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you spoke to the t. Sounds promising.

[Blueberry]

San, I'm sorry you have been so hurt by so many therapists. I have some hurt from therapists also and I know the damage can severe. Glad you were able to talk to her and get some information and hope.

Same goes for me, which you know, san. But it bears repeating. 

Sorry for stealing your words notalone. It's easier, takes up less energy for me.

[Not Alone]

Sorry for stealing your words notalone. It's easier, takes up less energy for me.

Completely okay. I do the same thing. It also helps me to know that what I said was worthwhile.

San, don't want to hijack what you are saying, but wanted to respond to Blueberry.

[Blueberry]

 

Now back to you san, or back to replies to you

[Three Roses]

I'm so happy you have that appointment now, and that she's trauma informed! Trust the magic, dear San! You've been through so much, it's time for good things now. 🏵️🏵️🏵️

[MoonBeam]

I'm so happy you have that appointment now, and that she's trauma informed! Trust the magic, dear San! You've been through so much, it's time for good things now. 🏵️🏵️🏵️

   

I really feel that things have changed and continue to change day by day in understanding and promoting healthy therapy for trauma. (I didn't say that very well, but it gives me hope that there is greater understanding and open-mindedness--and faith in those of us who need help, to know what we're talking about or going through). Hopefully this time your T becomes an ally on your journey. Ready to support you in this next phase of your healing.

Hang in and keep taking care of you. Warm epsom soaks are a brilliant tool for healing achey, injured feet. I hope you rest with a warm soak and giant mug of cocoa with extra whipped cream. 

[sanmagic7]

bb and notalone, i don't for a minute feel like anything was hijacked.  i know how these things can sometimes overlap - been there, etc.  i'm glad you're able to use each other in a positive way - it warms my heart to see it, and that's a good thing for me, too.

thanks, snowdrop, for the reinforcement.  i don't trust myself to know those kinds of things, so i appreciate you commenting on it.

3r, you brought the tears tumbling down, but good, cleansing tears.  thank you for always being there for me.

thanks, mb, for the cocoa - i have been drinking some lately, and loving it.  i'll make a search to see if we have epsom salts - you're the second person who mentioned it.  and, yeah, there is a lot more understanding about trauma out there.  i think one of the things that did get my hopes up is that this t mentioned she's seeing a lot more people who have had damage done to them by other t's.  it seemed like being aware of that, treating that because she's aware of it was a really pos. sign to me.  don't know exactly why.

i was able to walk a short ways this morning, and that was grand.  still favoring my left foot, but i didn't want to wreck my right leg by walking too far.  still, the air was crisp, the forest smelled fresh, the ocean was steel gray w/ lovely, crashing waves.  foamy white after smooth, slow rolls. 

i'm going to give myself a pat on the back here, too.  thru all this, i have not smoked nor drank, have not contacted past unhealthy people (altho all of those have come to mind in the past 2 mos.).  i'm eating everything in sight, it seems, but i'm not gonna get down on myself for that right now.  i can take care of that at a later date.  3 days of xanax this past week has also helped me keep my sanity, as well as sometimes forcing myself to write here.  i'm considering this a win.

i'm not feeling stable yet, and, yes, 3r, thanks for the reminder -  trusting the magic.  i just doused myself in it this morning on my walk.  had a terrible nightmare about being chased by monsters.  when i looked it up, 2 places said it was about avoidance, but i haven't a clue as to what i may be avoiding.  and, my t warned me yesterday that doing this therapy might be painful - i just laughed, said i'm not scared of pain, i live in pain every day. 

it will be interesting to see how she handles the bi-lateral stimulation part of the emdr.  a lot of t's use light bars ) or audio stimulation w/ headphones (i've done both), and i'm not a fan of the technology.  my brain/mind responds much better to finger waving or tapping or even when i smack alternate arms of my chair for the audial part.  i hope i don't have a problem w/ that.  but, there goes my mind, trying to actualize every possible incident that may come up so i feel ready and have a plan for it.  i think i'm more nervous about this than i realized.

i'm also nervous about what to say, how to start the conversation.  it was like pulling teeth w/ my last t, and i'm hoping this one takes the lead, asks me questions, directs me.  so, that's the stuff my mind is wrapping itself around now.  i just asked myself if i'm trying to sabotage, but, no, it's just that i've been thru this so long, i know what does and doesn't work for me.  still, here, too, i have to trust the magic. i'm hoping that by writing it here, it'll help neutralize the worries.

i'm still on the porch - thanks for the blankets, coloring books, tv, everything you all have offered.  you're wonderful people.

[Blueberry]

  for being able to go for walks again! Have you come a little unstuck? 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry,  yes, a wee bit.  still treading lightly, tho.