stuck stuck stuck

[Not Alone]

San,
Glad your session went well. They way you worked with your daughter about her not mentioning ex, sounds really positive. It's neat that you have that kind of relationship. Grieving. . . not sure how you allow that to happen. I find it to be painful, but also a bit of a relief when I can let it out. Unfortunately, for me that's rare. Like you, I can cry over kindness, but not too often for my own pain.

[Three Roses]

I'm so glad you're feeling better now, to me the thing that seemed most significant in your post was that your daughter seems to finally see that the other person has been so damaging, and now your daughter seems to be acknowledging it instead of seemingly just thinking you should not let it affect you. This seems to be progress from where she was before... I may be off base but that's how it seems to me. Anyway, glad you are doing better. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, notalone,

i've only recently been feeling sorry for me and crying for myself and what i've gone thru.  i just think i've gotten to that spot in my process lately, at least consciously.  it feels better, tho, to know what the crying is connected to.  i do believe the funeral i'm going to do for the family dynamic w/ my d's and my ex will help bring up a lot of tears - i'm putting it off for right now cuz i've got some work to do - and i do intend to cry for what i didn't get from either my ex or d#1.  and, from what i got from them instead of the kindness, etc., that brings tears running down my face every time i see an example of it now.  so, that's how i'm going to begin the grieving process.  i've got lots of other relationships and experiences to grieve about, but they will come later.  this one will be a biggie for right now.  still, it's a start.

3r, i think the thing w/ my d is that she didn't really understand the extent of the wounding from him.  my reaction to her telling me  after i asked who she'd gotten a priority mail envelope from was so negative, so dark, that she felt very uncomfortable w/ the vibes i was giving off.  she and i had had a discussion when we first moved in together and she got some money from him (this was a check for christmas for her from him) that she didn't tell me about, and i'd told her that i needed to be involved in all the finances.  so, she included gifts that he gave her.  i didn't even know my reaction would be so strong - i was probably telling myself i should be getting over it more than she was thinking it.

her biggest problem were these terrible vibes that were emanating off me when she was mentioning money she'd get from him, even tho i'd originally requested she do so.  i told her i was sorry, that i was working on lessening the trigger aspect of it, and she said she knew that, and i was amazing for tackling this.  she's also very literal, so she doesn't intuit well - she goes by the last thing i said, and will stick w/ that till i say something different.  plus, this has put her in a really rough spot between her parents, which i'm not pleased about, either.

so, no, i don't think you're totally off base, just that, like so many things, there were a lot of complications mixed into the entire matter.  when i was first married to my mex. hub, he didn't understand at all what was going on w/ me until he came w/ me to see the shrink, who explained depression and bi-polar disorder (that's how i was diagnosed at the time), and how meds would help my mind.  i think that for my d to know that i was actually dissociating while working on this, and that my t explicitly asked her not to mention him at all, not even in passing, for the next 3 mos. was what helped her understand the severity of this for me.   another case of if you don't know, you can't understand.  and, there's a lot she doesn't know about my relationship w/ her father - she wants to stay in the dark about it cuz she's not strong enough to deal w/ all that, either. 

so, yeah, in some ways we have a truly fantastic relationship, but this part is sticky and icky at times.  i still know when she's talking to him on the phone - she either goes to another part of the house, or i can just feel the difference in the vibes while she's talking.  so, i can't escape it completely, but i think this will be helpful going forward.  whew!

and, my beautiful book is helping me heal in ways i'd never thought possible.  i'm so thankful i've lived long enough to experience this.  my d and i went to a library set-up yesterday where they invited 20 local authors to come, sit there for 3 hrs. and display their books for sale.  mine was the only self-help book, but i actually sold 3 copies!!  it validated me and this experience, actually getting a book published and have it be something people are interested in that blew my neg. experience w/ my ex out of the water! 

besides that, a counselor who works with young adults also bought a copy cuz she wants to use my program w/ some of the troubled kids she's working with.  to think that someone in my field thought enough of what she read on the cover to want to use it to help young people, well, to me it's a miracle.  i didn't get that kind of validation from colleagues who knew me, and here this stranger is and validates me a hundredfold.  last nite, i felt a sense of happiness that was safe and solid within me.  it feels like healing.

so, yeah, i did a little self emdr before bed to help expunge some thoughts of my ex that wanted to creep in and spoil the wonderfulness that i felt, but that took care of it for me, and i still feel really good today.  it was a magical day yesterday.  and, after i get done editing my d's latest book, i'm working on another one that i began about 10 yrs. ago, a memoir of my first 3 mos. in mex., and how i got there and how my hub and i got together, even being from 2 different countries and 2 totally different lifestyles.  so, i'm now excited about finishing that - my third career!  what a difference a day can make, smack us in a good way when we're not even looking.

i hope to have more of those, and i hope for everyone else to also have them.  they really do feel great!

[Snowdrop]

This is great, San. Really, really great. Your words are sparkling! and  .

[Not Alone]

. . .like so many things, there were a lot of complications mixed into the entire matter. 

so, yeah, in some ways we have a truly fantastic relationship, but this part is sticky and icky at times.

I had a friend who used to say, "people are messy." Yes, and that makes for complexity in relationships.

but i actually sold 3 copies!!  it validated me and this experience, actually getting a book published and have it be something people are interested in that blew my neg. experience w/ my ex out of the water! 

besides that, a counselor who works with young adults also bought a copy cuz she wants to use my program w/ some of the troubled kids she's working with.  to think that someone in my field thought enough of what she read on the cover to want to use it to help young people, well, to me it's a miracle.  i didn't get that kind of validation from colleagues who knew me, and here this stranger is and validates me a hundredfold.  last nite, i felt a sense of happiness that was safe and solid within me.  it feels like healing.

I am happy for you. Fantastic!
                                                           

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, thank you for the cheer!  keeps all that good stuff right in front of me and i love it!

notalone, as always, fireworks bring a smile to my heart, so thank you so much for them.  and, you're right - people are messy, there's no getting around that.  luckily, my d and i can talk things thru until they're resolved, and that makes it all go a lot more smoothly.

finished editing my d's newest book last nite, so i'm on the porch for the rest of the day.  so much brainwork!  and my week is busy, so i don't think i'll be able to go to my 'funeral' this week - it'll have to wait.  i just don't want to put emotional exhaustion on top of mind exhaustion right now.  it'll wait for me.

[Not Alone]

  and my week is busy, so i don't think i'll be able to go to my 'funeral' this week - it'll have to wait.  i just don't want to put emotional exhaustion on top of mind exhaustion right now.  it'll wait for me.

Wisdom and self-care. Fantastic!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone.  very sweet of you to say so - i love the support!   

[sanmagic7]

just did a funeral for my family (not foo - i'll do that another time.  this is w/ my ex and daughters).  i didn't realize how much pain i've been holding, but on the first try, it overwhelmed me and i had to stop.  played some games, and then i was able to finish it.  not as much pain now, but my heart is raw.  also did some eye movements to install my realizations, did some smudging to release all the negative and to accept the reality in order to move on.  all grieving.  i think someone asked in their journal about grieving - well, this is a piece that i did and i'm glad.  it feels like a lot of gunk was cleared out.

so, a hot shower to wash whatever might be lingering off and let it go down the drain.  xanax to give my brain a break for the rest of the day.  i feel cleaner and clearer.

[Not Alone]

Sending care to your hurting, raw heart.  The shower and xanax sound like good self-care. Glad you are feeling cleaner and clearer. Hope you can rest in the peace of release (if that makes sense).

[MoonBeam]

Wow San. That is amazing work.  You are so strong, showing up for you like that. You are so doing the work. Definitely time to nurture you now. Hot showers are so good for clearing away the residual gunk.  I just took a 45 minute bath! candles, crystals, relaxing music. I never take time to do that and it was so nurturing. Now to curl up under a soft cozy blanket and rest.
I wish you a peaceful evening after clearing so much.   Big 

[sanmagic7]

hey, notalone, that totally made sense - resting in the peace of release - i love that phrase!  thank you.

mb, so glad you allowed yourself that nurturing - sounds so lovely!  i hope you can do more of it.  and thank you for your kind words.  and, i really did sleep well last nite, so that was a blessing, too.

i'm feeling calmer today, not so shredded, which feels really nice.  i couldn't believe how much pain was involved, tho, even when i look back on it today.  i'm guessing i have a lot more in there that i need to feel, and i believe that's where the fibromyalgia comes from - all that pain from a lifetime of pushing it away in order to get on with the next phase of living.  i'd guess i pushed it into my muscles and they've stored it for me.  it had to go somewhere since i didn't really acknowledge or feel it at the time. 

i'm hoping that as i continue to do these funerals for what i'd wanted but didn't get, feel the pain of being heartbroken, misused, dumped, ignored, manipulated, etc. etc. etc. that i'll also be able to release some of the pain i've been holding in my muscles.  dang, that would be great!  i've always heard that we have to face the fear, go through it, before we can get to the other side of it.  i'm now thinking that it's the same w/ the pain.  i'd never faced pain like i did yesterday, not that i can remember (i've felt hurt and stuff, have done an  exercise where i've doubled up in pain in the past -- ooooh, thinking of that time, yeah, i never knew i'd been holding so much pain cuz of my M - but that was only once).

so, i'll be going into this knowing it's gonna be really painful, but also knowing that every time i feel it consciously and allow it to be, i'm one step closer to ridding my body of what it's been so generously holding for me.  thank you body - you've gone thru a lot, and i appreciate you!

[sanmagic7]

i swear, this crap just keeps coming.  whack a mole indeed!  and my t cancelled tomorrow cuz she had surgery, and they're going to try to get me in next week with someone but no guarantees.  that's not so bad in itself - i've been feeling a bit better, but i talked to my mex. hub today and he told me about going out and getting viagra to have sex w/ someone.  it didn't work - too bad, so sad (loads of sarcasm).

ok, we're not together, all that, but he denied relations w// me for years after he had hip surgery.  i asked, pleaded, told him to talk to a doc, a therapist that he was ok to hoochie coo, but he continually refused.  for years!  we even talked about viagra (altho i'm sure he just freaked after his surgery, convinced that his new hip would pop out even after being told that at the most his healing would take a year) and he refused that, too, being too afraid.  another coward of a man!

honestly, this is 3 out of 3 hubs who have done this to me for various reasons - each one different, but i was refused time and time again.  i'm up in the middle of the night again over this, so mad, so hurt, so sick of these men.  i want to cry about it, but the tears won't come.  so, not only did this hurt me, but it triggered all the other crapola from my other 2 marriages.  and people wonder why i was so slutty between marriages - i was attempting to reaffirm my desirability, my need for touch, just wanting to be wanted!

  i can barely stand to be me anymore, just continuing to get hit after hit, thinking i've got one thing sort of in place, and another one smacks me w/o a clue that it's coming!  i wrote him an email, told him how i felt, hurt, angry, and that i don't want to talk to him for a while.  we've been keeping in touch every week, he's otherwise been supportive and has gone thru a lot of this stuff with me, both physically and emotionally, but this one takes the cake.  i can't stand it!!!!

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
It sounds like your mex. hub was being quite self-absorbed and not really helping you in what he said to you on the phone.  I wanted to send you a hug, and I'm making it a big one...  here it is 
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Ugh! More triggers, more pain.  I was going to say some things about Mex. husband, but will restrain myself and just say that I angry that he hurt you.