stuck stuck stuck

[sanmagic7]

thank you, hope - that big hug was wonderful.  it felt like you were gathering me in, and that's something that brings a smile to my heart and tears to my eyes.  that kindness and caring.

notalone, fire away.  when he told me that, i didn't register everything it could mean.  when i told me d, she said 'well, that was insensitive of him' (she knows the history).  it was her perceptiveness of things, like what would be a proper emotional response, that helped me get into it on all these levels.  w/o her feedback, just that one simple sentence, i would've just absorbed it like i have everything else without even realizing what it meant to me.

so, yes, please, tell me what you think.  my alexithymia gets in my way on these things, which is a lot of the reason for my addictions and physical frailties i'm recovering from.  all the help i can get, i totally appreciate it.  thanks for your anger for me.  i felt a bit of it last nite, almost squeezed out some tears, but am basically just roiled up inside.  thank you for your caring about me.

this is huge for me.  he's been my last male resource, the one place i could return to if something happened to my d.  i'm a mess today, and t has cancelled and you all are a big part of my strength.

[Hope67]

Thinking of your SanMagic, and hoping that you have a weekend that will be nicer - with some relaxing things in it. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

got an email from my hub yesterday, all about deflecting, that i didn't listen to him or hear what he was saying.  i got so mad, i couldn't even believe it!

my entire body began vibrating, i was so upset.  i wrote back telling him exactly what he'd said on the phone, that i'd both listened and heard what he'd said, then again reiterated what the whole thing meant to me about our relationship, that he was will to try something to fix his 'problem' after i'd left, but while i was there and we'd discussed it several times, he'd refused over and over.

i told him that it speaks a lot to what he thought of me and our relationship, that he hadn't read what i'd said, hadn't listened, and i repeated that another thing he hadn't heard was that i didn't want to speak to him for a while - it was too triggering as to other hubs and their behaviors, and that i was a wreck once more getting this email from him.  i'd even told him in my first email that the time for apologies was over, long gone, and in this second email he apologized twice!  talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

so, he wrote me again, said he'd wait till i wanted to talk to him.  better, but still stirred up all the old junk again.  and, next week is the 5th anniversary of my going nc w/ my d#1 and my daughters' father, and that always makes me nuts.  plus, my t is out cuz of surgery, she won't be back till march, and altho they set up 2 interim appts. for me, they won't be till feb. and all this crapola is going down before then!  they did say that they were going to try to find someone who'd give me a phone session next week - keeping my fingers crossed for that, cuz the timing is necessary. 

so, still on meds just to stay sane thru all this. 

[Not Alone]

I am so sorry all this is going on. It is so much at once. Meds, blankets, posting on OOTS; whatever (unharmful things) brings you some degree of comfort and relief. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much, notalone, for the support.  i didn't think about the idea of this stuff being too much all at once till i read what you said, then re-read what i wrote.  i was just getting it back together, had a couple days w/o meds, which felt good, and now i'm battling again to keep my head on straight.i'm really sick of relationships right now, except w/ my d.  and people here whom i've never met.  you all are saving my life and my sanity.

looks like i'll be doing another funeral this week.  i need to cry this out, but the tears just won't break thru.  they're on the edge of my eyelids, but won't spill out.  i feel like i'm stuck in between here and somewhere, reaching but not being able to grab onto what i need.  having my t gone is not helping right now.

[Snowdrop]

I hope you're feeling a bit better today, San.

[Blueberry]

  to you san

[Not Alone]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks so much for the hugs and support, sd, bb, and notalone.  they are truly appreciated.

yesterday, my d and i treated ourselves to a spa day - it was a christmas gift for us - and it was glorious.  i was looking for releasing toxins mainly, so did a long sit in the steam room, and got a great massage, one of the best i've had, back to the steam and relaxed by the bay.  felt cleansed - not only were things loosened up and expelled, but i did some eye movements and expunged some thoughts of people who had been mean to me, which felt really good.  just some stuff i'd tolerated and absorbed, but it feels like it's out of me now.

dang, i wish i could do that every week! 

back to reality now.  still having trouble w/ those dang intrusive thoughts, don't know what to do about my mex. hub, still using the meds to get myself thru the day still no t until next month.  i'd gotten used to seeing her every wee, it felt so supportive, and now i'm back to floundering on my own.  those thoughts come in and i find myself creaming STOP!STOP! to my mind - it's not a very pleasant experience to wake up to.

gotta stop writing about this - just brings it all up into my face again.

[sanmagic7]

i was thinking about all the struggling i've been doing since this past sept., wondering why my stuff has come up and hit me in the face so hard that i couldn't recover when i was doing my own work on myself, and was getting deeper into the abyss instead of feeling like i was doing more than simply keeping my head above water, to the point where i'm relying on meds most every day now - what came to me was that i've been in such a healthy environment for over a year and a half, and i think the lack of stress has allowed this stuff to bubble up. 

i mean, in a little over 2 yrs, i went from physically fighting cancer in mex., where it had gotten to the point that i was losing strength and energy daily, and the massive heat kept me indoors for the majority of the year, all the while squabbling every day w/ my hub and toxic relationships w/ friends and family to living w/ my d, being cared for and about with kindness and generosity, and being surrounded by nature of the highest quality.  wow!  an absolute breeding ground for all those demons to come roaring through cuz they weren't being distracted from, denied, or pushed away by continual chronic stress.

they now had found room to breathe, and decided all at once not to take a back seat in my life, cuz there was space for them and they could show their ugly faces en masse.  i don't know if this is how it works in reality, but it feels like it could be real for me.  guess i'll just push on, make it from day to day.  i really do miss seeing my t every week, tho - it didn't take long to depend on those weekly meetings - and she won't be back till march.  i've got 2 interim appts. w/ someone else, and it'll feel good to touch base w/ someone, i hope, just for stability's sake.  that doesn't happen till next month, tho, so i'm still struggling w/ this on my own and a bit of help from chemistry.

i'm so grateful i have this place to spew - it really helps.

[sanmagic7]

glancing thru the forum, i've noticed a couple times now that there are so many different places i could be writing about what's going on with me, but i've rarely used anything but my journal.  one thought flitted thru my brain just now - pain.  i'm only just becoming aware of how much pain i'm in, am holding in my body - the last funeral i did showed me some of that - and i think i'm scared of it.  the pain was so much that i had to take a break, do something else for about an hour before i could go back and finish the funeral.

i have more to do, i know that, but i'm scared.  and i'm scared/anxious to write in any of the other categories specific to what i'm going thru.  this is a new realization for me, but i guess it needs to come out or i wouldn't be writing about it here.  i know that at this time, i'm too fragile to read about the pain of others either.  crapola!  i feel awful.

i wrote to my mex. hub, told him that i'm working on all this stuff, all the triggers that got set off when he told me about his experiment w/ viagra, but that my t was gone till march, and it was upsetting me just to write that to him, so i sent just that.  this is the second day i've felt depressed, which i haven't felt in a long time.  then i was looking up acronyms, and found FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - and i believe that's what i'm feeling by cutting off talking to him.  he's just lost 2 jobs in 6 mos., not thru his own fault, and i know that talking to me, hearing my voice, was often what got him thru the hard times.

so, i've taken my voice away from him now, and i know that's hurting him terribly, and i feel awful about that.  i know people were glad to hear that i cut off communication w/ him, had opinions about him, but it's just more pain now.  i don't know if i'm doing the right thing - he's basically a good guy, just doesn't have much of a clue, and i keep telling myself this is a good thing.  but it feels horrible.

[Blueberry]

I'm not sure if I understand you correctly? I hope you don't feel awful for not reading about others' pain on here? Here, you are allowed to put your own healing in first place!! You're feeling fragile and you come first.

I would say the same about the situation with your ex-h in Mex. You're both in pain and distress, for different reasons, but you are now putting yourself first. It may not feel good or easy because such steps often don't. It does get better though!

[sanmagic7]

no, blueberry, i don't feel awful about not reading about others' pain, but thank you for that.  i feel awful cuz i'm now feeling my own pain, and it's horrendous, and to write on other parts of the forum, to get specific about some of those issues, well, i'm afraid of the pain that's going to bring up.  like, to recognize it, give it the weight it deserves, may be too painful to bear.

and thank you for the validation about mex. hub.  i appreciate that so much.  plus, those hugs felt so embracing, and i needed that feeling right now.

this pain thing - i've said i've been in pain before, but couldn't really feel it.  when i did the funeral for my family (ex and daughters) a couple weeks ago, i was grabbed by pain so strong i couldn't believe it!  i've done funerals for people before, but i guess my defenses were too high and hard to actually feel it then.  now, it's coming to the surface, and i can't believe how profound, deep, and all-encompassing it is!  like a huge tidal wave of hurt washing over, around, and through me at the same time.

so, i'm scared of it now, yet i know in the back of my mind that i'll need to push through it and write about some of my stuff in other places on the forum.  i just know how real that's going to make everything, in a very different way, and the pain attached to it is going to hurt so much.  dang, i've been defended w/in myself for so long, i didn't realize the extent of this.

but not today.  this was a big enough step for today.  i went to the ocean this morning, very rough and tumble waves, stood on the beach watching them.  it was a time for leaving things behind, letting the waves take this crapola from me.  a couple times they were so huge and gruff, and the tide was coming in, that watching them made it feel like they were going to keep coming and take me into the sea with them.  it was a strange feeling, a bit scary, but wondrous at the same time.  i let some of my gunk out and let the waves take that instead.  for a moment . . . but it was only for a moment, and i let it go.  i still have work to do.

[sanmagic7]

looking at all the different headings on the forum, i think i could write something meaningful under 90% of them.  not today - i'm wiped from writing about emotional neglect in childhood.  it was good, but i'm done for today.  off to the porch.

[sanmagic7]

told my mex. hub today in no uncertain terms to stop emailing me cuz every time i see his name, everything swirls up again.  i had a huge panic attack last nite, it took hours and meds to be able to breathe normally again.  i know part of that was from dealing w/ him and all the triggers that are plaguing me over and over.  i feel like i'm unraveling today.