stuck stuck stuck

[Blueberry]

i was working w/ my d on researching mind control techniques for her newest book, she then asked if i'd look up sociopaths, kept talking, but immediately my mind went to her F, my ex - he is classic.  i stopped writing, told her i didn't want to do that one, she said ok.  i didn't explain, she didn't ask, but suddenly i could feel my face drain and my mind felt exhausted.  i don't know if she had an idea why i refused, but i know she doesn't want to know.  it's so hard not to be able to tell her - the battle is on more than one front when it comes to him.

you put yourself first here! imo your own emotional safety, your own health are more important than your d's book. I know you like to help her but good on you for taking care of you too!

You're doing so much emotional work for you atm and I think you're doing a wonderful job of balancing that along with everything else you've been doing irl including getting your own book published, printed and out there!

ime FOO or FOC stuff is so difficult when you know you can't be honest with one person about your feelings because they see somebody else differently from the way you do or they just don't want to know about your version of events. At least you can write it on here and we're listening and we care. 

[Blueberry]

One thing that helped was seeing that unwanted access as a cord connecting me to the person, and then getting rid of that cord so the connection was no longer there.

Getting rid of the cord to cut the connection sounds like what my T and I were doing with Screen Processing.  I don't want to overwhelm you atm either, san, but if you want any more information on this, I can pm you. Let me know if/when you're ready.

[Snowdrop]

Oof. But I'm glad you listened to yourself and stopped.

One more thought. Have you ever tried using Bach Rescue Remedy? I find it helpful, so I thought I'd mention it.

[Not Alone]

San, glad you were able to take care of yourself and tell your daughter that you couldn't help her with that now. I hear that it brought a lot of feelings and disruption. 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, thanks.  i'd like to take you up on that in a couple days when i settle a little.  i really appreciate you sharing that w/ me.  i'll pm you, ok?
snowdrop, i just got back from getting the Bach remedy, it's being absorbed on my tongue as we speak.  thank you for this suggestion - fingers crossed and prayers flying!
notalone, thanks for the validation.  i'm still reeling from it, many hours later.   

while in the store, getting the bach remedy, i started crying.  so sad that i am this messed up!  i think part of that is because i'm to the point where i can't do this on my own anymore, even w/ the help of everyone here.  it's like it's reached a new level of horrible.  i'm afraid of going down even further to the point where i just want to stay curled up in my chair and watch mindless tv all day.  or not.  just curl up.  and there are things i want to do, like working on my next book, but i can't focus for more than about 15 min. 

i just don't know.  not having my t available isn't helping - i'm at the edge of the rabbit hole.

[sanmagic7]

glad to say that the bach remedy helped last nite - i took larger than the recommended dose, but at least i was able to finally relax a bit.  it was really nice to feel that, so thank you, snowdrop, for mentioning it.  i'm really glad i tried it.  once again, the people here have helped save me.  i feel more human this morning.  i literally don't know what i'd do w/o you!

just want to stay a bit more stable today.  that's my goal for the entire day.  some stability.  wow - it doesn't sound like a lot, maybe, but right now that's HUGE!  just get thru today not feeling like i did yesterday. would feel so good. 

and, that's all i got.  but for now, it's enough.  thanks again for your support, and snowdrop, for letting me know about the bach remedy.  i've tried other herbal stuff w/ no results.  flower essences must speak to my inner flower child! 

[Snowdrop]

Oh that's such good news!

I get on well with Bach rescue remedy, and I'm so glad it helped you as well. It might help you stabilise today if you add a few drops to a hot drink or bottle of water, and keep sipping it through the day. I find doing that helps take the edge off things.

Take care San. Sending love and big flowery hugs.

[SharpAndBlunt]

sanmagic, just want to offer you a  , if that is OK with you.
Sab

[MoonBeam]

Thinking of you San.

Sometimes getting through the day IS the important thing we do. I know its hard to have patience with ourselves and the kind of compassion we would have for someone else we cared about, especially when we're down. 

I hope the light you keep shining out of you, even though you have been walking through so much, feels brighter and stronger, a little at a time perhaps, and you find some relief soon.  MB

[sanmagic7]

loved the flower-filled hugs, snowdrop.  thanks so much

s&b, hugs are always welcome.  thank you.  feels good.

mb, thanks for thinking of me.  i agree - getting thru the day can be the important thing.  i'm still there, and i'm still here.

couldn't get to sleep, it's 5 a.m.  i'm finding myself getting anxious after my d goes to bed cuz i'm worried about not being able to sleep.  and, here i am.  i did the bach remedy last nite, too, which did help me feel less stressed while she was still up, and i was hoping that would help when i finally got tired, but i guess not.  i'll sleep later.  again, just want to get thru this day.

[sanmagic7]

i'm beginning to wonder if this has turned toward depression.  i'm having a hard time maintaining 'level' on my own w/o xanax daily now.  dang, i wish my t would get back.

getting ready to go to sleep.

[Not Alone]

San, not sleeping is awful on top of everything else. Hope you were able to get some rest. 

[Snowdrop]

I'm sorry, San. I hope your t gets back soon.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone.  yep, not being able to sleep is such a great fear of mine, bad sleep has gone on for over 30 yrs., now, even w/ meds, that i'm anxious most every nite worrying about it.  doing absolutely the one thing that will not help, right?  i know,    back atcha.

thanks, snowdrop.  me, too.

my d is gonna call the office of my t tomorrow - she's going to try to 'coerce' them to get me in to see someone.  my pleas haven't been enough, or they're just too busy (it's part of soc. services).  at any rate, we'll see what happens.  of course, since we don't have a car and very little money, a cab is out of the question. ack!  all i see are reasons why it's not going to work!

time to see if dr. bach will help.

[Snowdrop]

If you get on well with rescue remedy, it's worth looking at the individual essences to see if anything leaps out at you. I found a list here: http://www.bachflower.com/original-bach-flower-remedies/. Rescue remedy is a blend of five of the essences.