stuck stuck stuck

Started by sanmagic7, November 05, 2019, 05:28:57 PM

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sanmagic7

thanks, sd.  yeah, when i originally looked it up, i noticed that it can be personally blended.  i'm keeping it in mind.  so far so good, tho, altho i'm using a double dose.  white chestnut looked really good to me.  i do appreciate you keeping me in mind, tho.  very sweet and kind of you.

so, i made it thru today.  hopefully, a shower tomorrow.  that's what i'm aiming for. 

Sceal


sanmagic7

thanks for the hugs, sceal - much appreciated!

i made my goal, plus walked to the store and did the dishes.  yay!  tired tonite, tho.  hopefully i'll be able to sleep tonite.

my d called the therapy center to ask if i could get in sooner w/ someone than next week, but, no.  they gave her a crisis line instead, in case i needed to talk to someone.  honestly, i don't trust it, which is why i haven't called it before.  i've heard so much from people here about being burned on these things, plus i don't know what i'd say!  anyway, maybe i need to keep a more open mind about it - i know i'm gonna be wigged out next week when i go to see someone different.  don't know what i'll say to her, either.

i hate this.

Sceal

Have you tried online chat with help lines? I've done that on some of my darkest evenings and I found they've helped more than phonecall to crisis lines.

Thinking of you

sanmagic7

no, sceal, i don't know anything about those.  i did another narc abuse forum for awhile, but the mods were quite rude, plus the program ended up being very disturbing for me, so i just backed away.  i've been to other forums in the past, but not very helpful.  don't have the energy right now to look for anything.  what would i look under?  i'm not thinking too well right now, but thank you for the suggestion.  i appreciate it. :hug:

MoonBeam

Thinking of you San. That's great you got so much done! I know how hard it is to even move when feeling in it so deeply.

I totally understand not wanting to call the crisis line too. My T would tell me to call the crisis line when I needed extra support and it never felt like a viable option. I felt like I didn't need to talk to just anyone, I needed to feel cared for by someone who knew me or kind of knew me, and in that, not alone, which there just wasn't anyone like that for so long. OOTS helped me more than anything in those times. Just reading and rereading sometimes if I couldn't post.  I have heard others say they are helpful and perhaps worth a try. I think for me, when I'm in crisis, it feels like too much of a risk.

I'm here with you San, in spirit for sure, lighting a candle for you each night when I reflect on my day and ask for blessings, holding a little light for each of us.  :hug:

sanmagic7

hey, mb, i agree w/ you.  hearing from you, what you said, helped me feel just that little bit better.  i believe i had the same kinds of thoughts as you - i didn't want just 'someone' to talk to me generically.  this stuff is so far away from generic.  i appreciate the candle - that's just such a lovely thought, and i'll take it to bed with me tonite.  thank you so much for that.  sharing a little light.  love and hugs! :hug:

had a good nap, which always helps.  gonna make it thru today till tomorrow, which is not a bad thing. 

Not Alone

San, really upsetting that the therapy center can't get you in to see someone. When you are hanging on the end of the rope, you need a net, not for someone to say hang on a little longer.  :stars:  :hug:

sanmagic7

you are part of my net, notalone, for which i'm totally grateful you and the others are here.  my d, too.  you all really help me hang on.  thank you so. i'll make it till tomorrow.

Sceal

I understand that not thinking well. It's hard to verbalise sometimes what one needs because one doesn't always know or know how to ask. Perhaps private chat helpline isn't what you need right now.
I'm not sure what one would search for either in the us.

If the crisis senter cant help, is there a church or something similar that could help?

Hold on in there. One breath at a time

sanmagic7

thank you so, sceal.  that's exactly what i'm doing - one breath, one step, one day.  i agree about not always knowing how to ask, and sometimes not even knowing what to ask for, not knowing what is needed.  right now i've put a hold on doing any kind of trauma work, which i think is also helping.  i was still going at it, like doing homework from my t, and not realizing the impact it was going to have.  i've stopped that now, keeping myself as bland as possible, except for an installation of an angel guardian to keep those intrusive thoughts at bay.  that's been helping, too.

i'll make it.  it just sucks as to how it feels like getting there!

MoonBeam

San, I think that is so wise, to take a step back from processing right now.  It is so hard on us to unpack, to dig into the trauma. I definitely had to work pretty diligently at distraction at times, to master my thoughts to be anywhere but in the pain, just so I could come back in. I needed a break. I know you have been doing so much and dealing with so much, feeling so much--which is amazing and brave and necessary. It's also so important to take time to fill back up. All things we know right? But rarely give ourselves the room to honor that for ourselves.  I wish for you a reprieve. A little R & R for San.

So much love and respect dear one.  :hug:

sanmagic7

hey, mb, thanks for the support and validation.  i appreciate it. :hug:

middle of the nite, woke up and was immediately bombarded by thoughts/images of D#1, and couldn't get rid of them so i decided to just get up and get my day going.  blast!   :fallingbricks: i wish i could get a break!  it just keeps coming!

i decided to write a list of everything that's triggered me since my t's been gone.  i realized last nite that i might not be able to remember it all when i finally get to see her again, and who knows what new horrors might come my way in the next month?  i don't want to forget, but i don't want to keep it in my mind trying to remember.  it's hard enough reminding me of everything, bringing it back to mind. 

trying not to process, but i guess my brain has other ideas! 

Not Alone

Maybe having it on paper will allow your brain to take a break from it.

sanmagic7

yeah, notalone, that's what i'm hoping for. :hug:

i did realize yesterday that writing on my next book is starting to trigger me, too, so i'll have to take a break from it.  it's about my first 3 mo. in mex., but the way i originally wrote it it was way more about my hub's story than it had been about mine.  i was encouraged to write from my point of view as well, what brought me down there, etc., and i thought all i needed to do was a bit of tweaking here and there, but getting into some of the details of my life till then, how i explained them to my hub when he was asking about me, and my emotions, depression, nightmares that were going on at the time was getting to me, so i guess i'll have to give that a rest for a bit right now, too.

dammit, this crapola is getting in my way!  i wanted to get this one done by this summer so i could have 2 books ready in case we're able to hit the farmers market like we did last year, which was very fun and quite a bit of selling was going on, much to our surprise.   but, i guess i'll have to give myself a few days on the porch - yesterday was extremely tough to get thru - so, i just need to do some mundane rather than creative things for a bit.  settle down a little in my mind.  netflix, here i come!