stuck stuck stuck

[sanmagic7]

thanks, snowdrop

just been up and down lately.  had some very stressful news about my d's girlfriend - they were friends since they were 9 or so - and it knocked me out of my socks for a few days.  feeling better now, but still not sleeping well.  will see that other t on fri.  i just want this battling to lessen.  it's wearing me out, not sleeping well, not eating well, not feeling well.  ugh!

[Not Alone]

I hope your session on Friday brings you a little relief. Hope you get a good night's sleep tonight. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone.  i hope so, too, on both counts.  little extra xanax today, maybe that'll help me sleep better tonite.

[Snowdrop]

Sleep well, dear one.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, snowdrop.  i actually did sleep well last nite - i'll bet your vibes helped!

feeling better today.  xanax is helping with the triggers.  i'm looking forward to seeing a shrink, maybe get more meds that will help in a different way.  xanax feels pretty flimsy to me, like flighty or something.  not sure if i need some anti-deps, but i'm not ruling them out at this point.  ack!  i just can't wait to get my t back and get back on some kind of routine.  my mind is too full, flaky, and frenetic.  that's gotta stop!

anniversary of my marriage to my ex - it was on leap year, so it stands out every time it rolls around.  at least i'll have a t appt. the day before (with the substitute) so i'll be able to hopefully get some of the crapola out with her, leave it at her office.  the cleaning people will wash it away for me.  dang, i can't get away from triggers!!!

[Snowdrop]

I hope it goes well with the t today, San. We'll be in the waiting room if you need us.

[sanmagic7]

i definitely need you all, snowdrop - thanks for the reminder.

my regular t will be back, and there's so much, i know i'll be a mess, but i'll get to see her next week as well, so just having a week between should be ok.  i'm so nervous, afraid cuz so much has happened, there's so much stress financially - just had a filling crack on me, it's like 65 yrs. old, and no dental ins. and there's none to be found.  i'm on soc. sec. and medicare, but, of course, it doesn't cover the 2 things us older folks need most - dental and vision.  ugh!  i hate the health care system. 

so, money we had earmarked for taxes will now have to go toward a stupid filling!  no pain, so it's not an emergency.  and my d got several slaps to her business - a client cancelling, another reader who raised her prices way out of range, and so-called friends who didn't come thru like they've been promising for 2 yrs. w/ clients for her.  plus, i've been so out of it, i can't write much to get another book out for when we go to the farmers market this summer to help bring in extra income.  way too much stress lately and we're both feeling it.  not a good thing for us.

so, yes, you're all with me, holding me up so i can support her.  i hate seeing her so down - she's got her own crapola going on so this isn't good for her, either.  my mother's heart weeps.  i'm so sick of being poor . . .

[sanmagic7]

dang, that was a pure rant last nite that i posted.  i'm a little calmer now - my d and i were able to talk about it a bit, and she's gotten more optimistic, so that's good. just waiting for my appt. w/ my t.  i'm a nervous wreck, for some reason, tho.  it's like i don't know how to get back into this with her.  it seems like it's been ages.

[Not Alone]

Money issues are stressful.

Our mom hearts never stop hurting for our kids. Glad your d is feeling more optimistic.

How did your session go?

[Blueberry]

Money issues are stressful.

to you san. If you feel like a rant on here, then rant away. It's your Journal!

[Snookiebookie2]

San,

It sounds like you're having a stressful time of things.  So you did the best thing by having a rant.

I hope that things improve soon. 

Sending my hugs 

[sanmagic7]

hey, notalone, i totally agree - mom hearts never take a rest.   

blueberry, thanks for that.  i may need to rant more as my process in therapy goes on.   

snook, thank you - it just came out, so i guess that's what i needed to do.  frustration!

my session was full of tears and toxicity - my d told me i needed to sage myself when i got home cuz it was seeping off me!  that helped, at least.  it was good to be back w/ my t, tho - it felt comfortable and settling.  i don't feel so scattered today, thank heaven.  i gave her the list of triggers i'd started writing down after she left, (couldn't finish them cuz it was too triggering to revisit them by writing them) and she just kept reading and the looks on her face changed from sympathy to caring to being amazed how many there were in such a short amount of time.

i also gave her the funeral i'd done, so she asked if she could keep it, read it later, which was fine.  then i asked again if there was any way i could get in to see her 2x/week because these lapses between sessions had been so horrible for me, and i think she's understanding a bit better now just where i'm at, how bad it is for me.  since i can't get to her early morning appts. (the ride service doesn't start that early), she's going to come to my house for several sessions until her schedule opens up again - it's packed right now cuz she's just gotten back.  so, that's very cool (we live in a very small town, she lives near me, so she's gonna see me before she goes into the office.  she actually liked the idea cuz she has 10-hr. days, and she was glad to spend some of those hours being somewhere else.

i also asked about seeing a shrink for meds, she said she was going to refer me, it would probably take 2 weeks for all the paperwork to go thru, but i have enough meds to last until then.  i mentioned maybe needing anti-deps cuz this has lasted so long (since sept.) and i'm just feeling down all the time, and i'm wondering if my brain isn't going back to depressed mode.  she wondered if my mind isn't just exhausted w/ all the battling i've been doing trying to keep these intrusive thoughts at bay.  i told her that half the time when i wake in the morning, something about someone comes into my mind and i have to mentally start screaming 'stop stop stop!!!'.  she said that kind of thing takes a lot of energy.

so, all in all, it was all good.  it feels especially good to think that someone is going to help me with this.  that's an indescribable feeling.  i just kept crying tears of relief and sadness about it.  so, i'll get to see her twice next week - we have sessions scheduled for the next 2 months, i think.  anyway, it's far enough into the future that i'm feeling a lot more comforted and cared about.  i don't think i realized, yep, hear come the tears, until just now how important that is to me, how much it hasn't been there in my life.  but, it's here now, and that feels good.

my d is very kind and patient, but she's also got her own stuff going on, so she can't give me everything i need.  plus, that's not her role.  she's very reassuring and helpful, but her father, my ex, is something we can't discuss, and he has played such a big part in all this for me.  in fact, today is our anniversary date - leap year, sadie hawkins day, very significant, both of those re: my narc ex.  so, i'll end w/ that, get thru today.

thank you all for your support.  you mean the world to me.

[Snowdrop]

I didn't see it as a rant, but rant away if that's helpful to you and what you need to do. It's your journal for your benefit.

Your t sounds great. Wonderful that you're getting extra sessions, doubly wonderful that she's coming to your house. And she sounds as though she's giving you appropriate care and compassion. I'm delighted.

Sending you lots of love, and wrapping you up in big, big hugs.

[Not Alone]

it feels especially good to think that someone is going to help me with this.  that's an indescribable feeling.  i just kept crying tears of relief and sadness about it.  so, i'll get to see her twice next week - we have sessions scheduled for the next 2 months, i think.  anyway, it's far enough into the future that i'm feeling a lot more comforted and cared about.  i don't think i realized, yep, hear come the tears, until just now how important that is to me, how much it hasn't been there in my life.  but, it's here now, and that feels good.

It is huge to be heard and cared for by someone who is skilled in helping with trauma. I also have asked my T to see him 2x/week. This month that is scheduled for two weeks, and in April I start seeing him 2x/week on a regular basis.

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, i just love being wrapped in those hugs.  i was just writing about a man i was involved with, how he'd wrap me up at night, and it was some of the best sleep i've ever known.  i think it's why i like a lot of blankets, so that i can feel the weight of them against me while i sleep.  thank you for those hugs so much.

hey, notalone, i truly do believe that 2x/week is going to be especially beneficial, at least for a while.  sometimes our symptoms need to be jogged back into a safer place on a more constant level - less time for them to build up between sessions.  i'm glad you've got that going for you for as long as you need it.

feeling ok today - was able to write quite a bit this morning (memoir-type book this time, about my moving to mex. and getting together w/ my hub.  about a 3-mo. span).  it's bittersweet, tho.  it was such a convoluted time in my life, running away from home in my 50's and finding someone who was going to help me instead of hurt me.  so, it's a bit triggering at times, but it also brings some warm feelings through me.  still, it takes brain energy, and it's a rewrite, which is sometimes more difficult than the original version, so i can't spend too much time all together but have to do it in smaller pieces.  maybe i can do more later today.

it was nice to get to sleep at a decent time last nite.  i used that dr. bach stuff around 7, then my reg. meds at 10.  i think the combo helped me not be so anxious  about actually falling asleep.  also did some eft yesterday, both on my ex and my D1.  they were jumping into my mind unasked for and certainly unwanted.  it helped a bit, i think, but she still came calling first thing when i woke up this morning.  i'm so hoping therapy is going to break that up and crush it to shards for me, so i can sweep them away much more easily.  this is exhausting, this battling these thoughts.  ugh!