stuck stuck stuck

[Sceal]

So good to hear you managed to get some writing done!  The book sounds interessting, and also it sounds like an important book for you to write. Perhaps it will also give you some healing once you've finished the book. I hope so atleast!
I can understand how it is tiresome mentally to write about your history, your experiences and re-visiting old things. Perhaps that's why your ex and D1 is also popping more easilly into your mind?

[sanmagic7]

dang, sceal, i didn't think of that, but you could be right.  i am stirring up reasons i left, and a lot of them have to do w/ both those people!  thanks for the insight - much appreciated!

watching 'buffy' again.  one part especially hit a nerve, and i started sobbing, took a while to get myself back together.  she was talking about how she has all this responsibility, it's all on her, and i burst into tears.  i was thrown immediately back into that marriage - my ex had me doing everything, taking care of everything, dealing with everything that was going on in our family while he sat back and watched me crumble.  i had 2 breakdowns where i could barely move for a week, and he just watched it happen.

he knew how stressed i was - toward the end of our marriage, when i was going on a trip to mexico w/ my bestie (at the time - i've eliminated her now), he told me before i left that since i was so stressed, if i wanted to sleep w/ my ex-lover while i was there to go ahead and do so!.  i can barely believe that to this day!  the biggest stress reliever which he was depriving me of, and he tells me to go get it from someone else!   

just before that trip ended, i actually did end up w/ another man, but it was because, not only did i need the touch and tenderness (and relief!), i also knew my marriage was over.  about 3 weeks after i came home, we had a situation w/ D1 that he said he was going to take care of (have a family meeting), but i was home for 2 weeks and nothing had happened.  (somehow it feels good to be getting this out).  i confronted him on it, told him he was waiting for me to take care of it, as usual, and he admitted it. 

the next day, we had our 'family meeting', which consisted of the 4 of us sitting in the living room, he with a signed 'contract' that D1 had agreed to follow.  this was about the 10th contract she'd agreed to, never followed thru on any of them.  he'd asked for no input from me or D2, we just sat there, and the other 2 seemed satisfied.  i blew up - it was too much - said it was unacceptable cuz contracts had never worked in the past, and that was the end of that meeting.  a week later, i moved out of our house.  (i'd told him before i left for that trip that i couldn't live w/ D1 anymore - her abuse toward me, her unwillingness to help around the house, expecting me to be her maid service, etc. she was already 21, and i wanted her gone.  he chose her over me, so i went). 

so, yeah, a lot of crap about the 2 of them is coming up.  i've probably written all this before, but it seems to be hitting me on another level again, so again, it helps for me to write about it and get it out.  my heart is racing right now, but i want to write at least a little this morning.  i'll see my t on wed. and fri. this week - i am so looking forward to it. 

[sanmagic7]

so, writing this memoir of my first 3 mos. in mex., why i left here, meeting my mex. hub - i was writing an especially sweet part last nite and suddenly i really wanted to call him.  he's hurting cuz of me telling him i didn't want to talk to him until i met w/ my t this month.  dang, i'm flashing on sceal and leaving her roomie, feeling bad and kind of responsible for him.  wow - this is messed up!

i didn't call, will talk to my t about it tomorrow.  i left cuz i was sick, but also cuz we were bickering all the time, it was so very stressful, and even more so cuz i was dying so was losing energy by the day.  but he was also my back-up plan in case anything happened to my d.  i can't afford to move, there's no money saved, i'd be homeless up here if she died.  he's my only resource, so the thought of giving him up has filled me with dread.  i'm in the middle of an anxiety attack right this minute. 

i also believe that my c-ptsd stuff was just too much for that relationship to stand.  i know what it's like dealing with chronic mental/emotional problems with my d, and even under the best of circumstances, it's so terribly difficult.  and, he was working 12-hr. days, 7 days/week, and there was no time to talk things out cuz he was so exhausted that he could only stay awake for about an hour before he crashed.  i was alone almost all the time, and the t that i'd found down there had bailed on me.  plus the cancer was eating me alive.  o my god, how have i survived this long?  and still trying to accomplish something productive to bring more money to our household.  maybe i should just give up, call it a day with this. 

some days i have so much energy to do this, but days like today, it's stolen from me and i can't grab hold of it at all.  i just have to make it to tomorrow.

[sanmagic7]

up at 2:30 this morning.  too much stuff in my head.  my t will be here soon - she's making a house visit.  very nice.  luckily, we're in a very small town and she lives near me, so she can visit w/ me before she goes into the office.  she's glad of that.

can't even take all this extra time to write, even on my other book, cuz i can't concentrate.  just blowin' off time till she gets here.

[Snowdrop]

I hope it went well, San.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, snowdrop.  it did go well.  she helped me make a decision about my mex. hub, which was to let him know i'm working on the whole trigger situation and the goal is to get me desensitized enough so that if some remark is made that triggers me, i won't respond to it so horribly in the future.  that felt good and right.

we also started tackling my sleep problems.  i realized that my hyper-vigilance has contributed to my anxiety about going to sleep - i always had to be alert in order to be responsible if something was going on, especially after i had kids.  so, we worked on that, and on releasing tension that i've kept in my body for forever.  i didn't want to release all of it today, tho, cuz i didn't know what i was going to replace it with - there would be a big hole that needed something more positive to fill it.  we'll work on that friday, and i'm looking forward to it.

so, i'm feeling a bit more stable, which was what i was looking for originally.  getting some of this basic stuff out of the way before some of the more excruciating stuff gets dealt with.  i think i feel a bit hopeful?  maybe?  a little smile here.

[Snowdrop]

It's good to see you smile . This all sounds really positive and right. I'm so glad you're feeling more stable. I think having two sessions a week will work out really well for you.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, snowdrop.  i sincerely appreciate all your support.

getting in touch w/ my hub was a survival thing.  i told my t that i didn't want to lose him cuz if my d died, i'd have nowhere to go, couldn't afford to stay here nor to get another apt.  i know he'd take me back, would find people to come and get me and my things, so i didn't want to eliminate him like i've done so with everyone else.  he's not a bad guy, but i think he just talks to me like talking to a best friend, so he lets it all out, doesn't quite think that there might be something personal attached.  i feel better now - i really don't want to be homeless!

cleaning day today, as a guest is coming to visit over the weekend for a few days.  so, lots of physical work, but it's not a bad thing to take a break from all the mental stuff lately.  off for a walk now, back to cleaning when i get home.

[sanmagic7]

already did a funeral for my first mexican love, the man who i built a life's dream around and who got me thru some tough times during my marriage to my ex.  so, already crying and feeling torn up inside as i wait for my t to get here.  just a glutton for punishment, i guess, but i've got to start feeling the pain of the heartaches i've gone thru - i've never felt the pain before, just got dumped or pushed out and had to keep going.  no time to crumple up and double over with the weight of those losses.  any one of them could've stopped me in my tracks, and the culmination of betrayal, deceilt, denial, lies, cheating has brought me to here, where i've beens tuck since last sept.

so, i have to force myself to feel the pain now, cry the unshed tears, stop still in my tracks so that i can move off this heap of tar on which i've been stuck for far too long, that's made me sick in body and soul and threatened to cause me loss of self and sanity.  so, i've got to push thru, do this, and it hurts so bad.  i've been carrying this pain forever.  why did they all try to break my spirit? it's what they loved about me in the first place, but every single one of them worked so hard to break me.  i don't get it.

on the porch for a few days.  don't have much brainpower right now.

[Snowdrop]

Please remember that you're not alone, San. We're here, we've got you, we care about you.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, I am also sending you a hug    Be kind to yourself and wishing you some restful time on the Porch, if that feels like a good thing.
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, as always, being reminded that you all have got me helps a lot.  i thought about it the other day, and smiled with renewed strength and energy.  thank you.

hope, always love your hugs and kindness.  thank you.

watched an episode of 'buffy' last nite, and, in short, i saw the relationship between my ex-bestie and me portrayed on the screen, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  i felt the hurt, pain, and the rage she carried into our own relationship, and sobbed throughout the entire episode.  getting these feelings back is so awful, yet so powerful and important to finally allow those toxic waste matters to be felt, acknowledged, and gotten rid of.

this morning i did a funeral for her.  it's the third funeral i've done lately (first for my family w/ my ex and d's that didn't work out the way i was hoping and expecting, second for my first mexican love who denied and dismissed me 40 yrs. later when i saw him the last time before i left).  i'm doing these now in order to feel the pain and hurt that i had never felt or allowed myself to feel at the time, and crying the tears that had never come forth before.

it's a painful process, but i believe it's necessary.  if the body keeps the score, then all this pain has been stored within me, and i am full of physical pain because of it (at least, that's my belief).  i think this unfelt, unrealized, and unshed tears are the cause of what's been diagnosed as fibromyalgia.  i'm hoping that as i get more of this pain and hurt out of me, my body will begin to feel better, too.  dang, wouldn't that be wonderful!

so, i said good-bye to my bestie this morning, and wrote all the thoughts down, let all the feelings show themselves, no matter what.   i found 2 different images of funeral flower arrangements that reminded me of  her, so they seem very individual and exclusively about her.  i've already eliminated her from my life last year, but this seemed to formalize it, and hopefully, put it more to rest.  since i've gotten a bit more of my emotions making themselves aware now, these funerals are taking on a different tone.  i mean, i've done funerals in the past, about 30 of them, but i think these are more precise, specific, and profound.

so, to rest now.  we have company coming for a few days, which will be wonderful, a dear friend of my d's since kindergarten, who has called me 'mom' most of her life.  it will be a joyous, unpretentious, and uplifting time for all of us.  time for some food and a nap.

[Not Alone]

San, hearing all the pain you are going through. Glad you are able to see your T 2x/week.
Enjoy your visit with your friend. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, notalone,

so am i glad it's 2x/week!  i know it's helping me to stay a little bit more stable than i have been. 

having not felt any of this pain before has made me realize a couple things.  for one, it's amazing what i've been carrying around inside me all these decades!  i've only done some recent ones - haven't gotten to foo stuff at all yet. 

for another, i don't know how i could have managed my life if i'd felt all this at the time it happened!  since i've only been able to get in touch w/ some of my feelings, such as fear, in the past few years, i can't imagine how i would have lived my life if i'd felt everything all along.  i've said it before here, i don't understand at all how people have lived feeling afraid for so much of their lives.  i think i've only begun feeling fear for about 2-3 yrs. and when i have, it's been so horrible, i just stop in my tracks.

so, yeah, feeling the pain now for something that happened a couple years ago, has been awful.  when i went into this about my family (ex and d's), the pain was nearly unbearable.  (that ended about 5 yrs. ago)  i didn't realize how much had been hidden.  the other night when i felt it about my bestie, i became a zombie for the rest of the evening, just totally shut down from the hurt of it all.

now that i'm writing these time spans down, i'm wondering if that's important for this.  something to perhaps think about, if i'm able, or just mention here.  might be able to see a pattern.  or maybe it was the weight of the relationship that causes the most heartache and break.  that might be part of it, too.

at any rate, i'll keep doing these cuz i know on a logical level it's good to get it out of me.  i'm so very glad for the support here, tho.  thank you!

[sanmagic7]

on the verge of tears this morning.  having too much fun with my d's friend here, but it completely knocked me out of my routine and i was so anxious last nite.  i decided then and there that i was going to have to pass on today's activities, just cuddle up by myself all day.  can't believe how this knocks me out of my socks.  she's a dear friend, calls me 'mom', she considers even me to be part of her family, but it's just too much.

so, i'm laying low the rest of the day. t tomorrow, hope that helps.